Ixodes dammini = Deer. Tick
Along with mites, they constitute the subclass Acarina. Ticks are ectoparasites (external parasites), living by hematophagy on the blood of mammals, birds, and sometimes reptiles and amphibians.
Ticks carry a number of diseases (Lyme disease/Q fever/Colorado tick fever/Rocky Mountain spotted fever/African tick bite fever/tularaemia/tick-borne relapsing fever/babesiosis/ehrlichiosis/Tick paralysis/tick-borne meningoencephalitis/bovine anaplasmosis).
Tick species are widely distributed around the world. However, they tend to flourish more in countries with warm, humid climates, because they require a certain amount of moisture in the air in order to undergo metamorphosis, and because low temperatures inhibit their development from egg to larva. Ticks of domestic animals are especially common and varied in tropical countries, where they cause considerable harm to livestock by transmission of many species of pathogens and also causing direct parasitic damage.
For an ecosystem to support ticks, it must satisfy two requirements: there must be a high enough population density of host species in the area, and there must be high enough humidity for ticks to remain hydrated. Certain features of a given micro-climate -such as sandy soil, hardwood trees, rivers, and the presence of deer- are good predictors of dense tick populations.
Ticks, like mites, have bodies which are divided into two primary sections: the anterior capitulum (or gnathosoma), which contains the head and mouthparts; and the posterior idiosoma which contains the legs, digestive tract, and reproductive organs.
Ticks satisfy all of their nutritional requirements on a diet of blood, a practice known as hematophagy. They extract the blood by cutting a hole in the host's epidermis, into which they insert their hypostome, likely keeping the blood from clotting by excreting an anticoagulant.
Like all arachnids, ticks have eight legs. The tarsus of leg I contains a unique sensory organ known as the Haller's organ which can detect odors and chemicals emanating from the host, as well as sensing changes in temperature and air currents Life Cycle
Both ixodid and argasid ticks undergo three primary stages of development: larval, nymphal, and adult. Ixodid ticks require three hosts, and their life cycle takes at least one year to complete.
Up to 3.000 eggs are laid on the ground by an adult female tick. When larvae emerge, they feed primarily on small mammals and birds. After feeding, they detach from their host and molt to nymphs on the ground, which then feed on larger hosts and molt to adults.
Female adults attach to larger hosts, feed, and lay eggs, while males feed very little and occupy larger hosts primarily for mating
Ixodes Dammini Remedy Overview
• Spider-like energy (activity, performance, power/powerlessness, aggression)
• Parasitic themes (something taken forcibly from something else)
Ixodes will exhibit the same power and powerless themes seen in spider remedies (Power and powerless). On the power side, the force is more than just restrictive, it is dominant (Overwhelming power) and suppressive (Submission). It can be projected into the world as the all-powerful force of large business and industry or projected as an evil supernatural force.
Either way it is something to both fear and to feel powerless in relation to. The issue within tick is both the dependency and powerlessness in relation to others. The entity with the power is parasitic, meaning it does not respect boundaries (self-interest). It crosses into the other’s space without permission (Crossing boundaries) to take something which is not theirs (Stealing). The invasion is secretive and hidden (Secretive) and therefore others are not easily trusted (Suspicious). There is a certain paranoia that the other is seeking to infiltrate your space and take what is yours. Within the proving, relationships were broken through the efforts of people in authority positions and affairs occurred within marital relationships.
Ixodes will feel powerless, helpless and weak. Their defense is will be to submit, to escape, or to be aggressive (to bite). They will attempt to bond and connect with the one who can protect them, creating a dependency. They will have great fear around loosing this connection. The loss of this relationship is an issue of survival for them. Here they will commonly feel forsaken and alone. Their forsakenness is a particularly dark and empty experience. They will often turn to addictive behaviors to avoid the emptiness. For Ixodes the dark side will have despair and hopelessness. Life will seem insurmountable,
and their capabilities small and weak. They can be suicidal, although that didn’t specifically come out in the proving, it has been seen in cases. They are plagued with fears and nightmares of ghastly torture and evil being done to helpless victims. In the dreams they try to protect and save the others (essentially saving themselves) but are ineffective. In one dream, the dreamer sees people lying on the sidewalk wrapped like papooses (restrictive, like paralyzed victims) and are unable to get to them to protect them from falling debris from a bomb. There were many dreams and imagery of war and bombing.
War might represent the struggle within them, the struggle for power against overwhelming forces. Bombs represent sudden surprising destruction/death as do heart attacks.
It would be expected to see a victim-like mentality, where all of life is imposing on them. All of life is consuming and sucking them dry. They could easily be victims of abuse (sexual). They will have as active sex drive, like most spiders, but given their dependency pattern of behavior they would tend to get stuck in abusive situations.
Ixodes will have the restless and impulsiveness found in spiders. Therefore, it is also torturous for them to feel blocked or restricted. You would expect that in their life, whatever force has power, would be perceived as “blocking” them. It is interesting that the major symptom of Lymes disease is pain in the joints which serves to restrict movement. There is great sensitivity to the feeling of being paralyzed with dreams of disabled people. For them it is ameliorating to feel that things are moving or flowing. There are many references to water imagery and dreams near rivers. Water represents the movement they desire. Interestingly, many people also made reference to ice, the frozen or blocked form of water. As a tick feeds, it grows fat and the resulting sensation is one of tightness and restriction, which is similarly uncomfortable for them. Many provers found themselves both ravenously hungry as well as easily sated once they felt the least bit full.
Ixodes has the mental fog found in cases of Lymes disease. They may be industrious when clear, or dull and apathetic when feeling unclear. They can be forgetful and make mistakes easily. You would expect to see this for a good constitutional case.
Ixodes has a detached sensation, “As if there is a barrier between them and others” In this, they feel separate from others. This can lend support to their forsaken experience. It also creates a “floating” and “spacey” sensation. The floating is also the brain fog they experience. The tick itself will attach and detach from hosts through its life cycle. In life, you could see a person who needs this remedy doing the same with partners and friends. During the proving, people broke off relationships as well as getting paranoid about holding on to relationships they felt dependent on. It’s in this “detached” experience that they loose their orientation and can experience the “floating.” Life becomes what they can hold on to. In one dream, someone came in and stole all their favorite objects, leaving behind their money. Life for them is about attachments, attachments to their reputation, to their possessions, to their relationships. Any loss creates sadness and despair. They fear loss and suffer from much anxiety in anticipation of something happening.
They crave the good opinion of others because desire both recognition and acceptance. In favorable circumstances, they can be haughty and condescending. Money, wealth and status can be important to them. Thoughts and concerns about money were seen in the proving.
They are sensitive to greed and self-interest. Within them is hidden self-loathing and disgust.
Inside they can feel repulsive like a leper as well as tiny and child-like. They can have many experiences where they find themselves rejected by others.
Their anger is hot and aggressive. However, it is not likely that they would show this to the person in power, more likely to ones that they have power over, like the cat. Several people had dreams of cats and anger towards cats. They could be violent, and often self-destructive with their anger. If someone hurts them they might strike back impulsively and likely feel regret at the potential loss of the relationship afterwards.
Ixodes will have sudden mood swings, from apathy and dullness to excitement and enjoyment.
It would easily present as bi-polar behavior. They can love dancing like spiders and being active. Both master provers began walking long distance (15-20 miles a day) when they worked on the proving. They can also sink easily into apathy and ennui, loosing all motivation.
They are also reactive emotionally and sensitive environmentally to noises and crowds. In times of stress they might isolate themselves, hide. Ticks will look for shady and more hidden parts in which to attach to a host.
They will be full of fears and anxiety. In their restlessness is the need to move as well as the generalized anxiety in anticipation of something horrible happening. They have fears of sudden death, like in a heart attack. They have fears of deadly diseases like cancer and diseases that might incapacitate them (handicap). They have fears in the dark that are better when not alone.
They have fears of evil and delusions of evil around them. They will fear someone coming into their home (Crossing boundaries) and harming, raping or killing, them. They can be suspicious of entities/organization with power. As a defensive, they will be secretive, hiding their private and vulnerable parts.
Power and Powerless
Overwhelming Power, “This power consumes people,” “He is Wal-Mart”
• (Dream) Some silent magical power that was intrusive and overwhelming. An unknown magic that I did not understand. (10)
• This world power, it can kill people, it can envelope people, just consume people. Just takes people's souls. Makes them soulless. Makes us drones. Makes us unable to fight. This power or force, we cannot allow that to live. (5)
• Evil. The evil that contaminates the world. So big and so powerful. We are alone. He is Wal-Mart. He can do anything. Massive power of evil. (5)
• (About Dream) Overwhelming presence, the male teacher was. He was trying to get with me sexually. I was not into that. He was so powerful. He had advisors. People close to him were his bodyguards. It was such a sexual feeling I got from him. I was this young playboy. I was extremely uncomfortable. It reminded me of this time I had this real feeling about this guy I knew years ago. He was there and manipulative. Using his presence to manipulate me. (5)
• It is someone having a spell over someone, like control over someone. In that dream the woman put a spell over the owner of the salon. It was so frustrating, she was injecting her poison and it was devastating (6)
• It's not that I look at the yoga teacher as a whip cracker or slave driver... It's not Nazi yoga. But I tend to conform, do what's expected, do it well, be good then get resentful because I can't do it as well as I want. (9)
• I want to kick him, throw him against a wall, hit him, smash him down, into submission, into blind obedience to what we want him to do. (4)
• The essence of this substance is about exposing powerful feelings, recognizing them, and having the courage to release them. I have felt strong emotional power that has taken on the form of a lump or ball which is stuck somewhere between my solar plexus and throat. One fear that remains is - what will happen when I allow the power out into the open. It is like taking up a sword. Do I have the wisdom and discipline to wield it with love? (10)
Powerless, “It holds you in place” “Powerless to escape”
• Thinking about being a small child and having the mumps. A lot of pain. There's nothing you can do about it.
When will this end. Apprehension. There is nothing you can do to stop
this, this is just what happens to you. (12)
• I feel like everyone is telling me what to do - employees, clients, friends, husband. (108)
• The scenes of being experimented on caught my imagination wondering how does one traverse such an experience? ... what would it be like to be "tortured" and be powerless to escape. (4)
• I have about had it with this proving. I am tired of being at the service of a greater cause, sublimating my needs or desires for the sake of something or someone else....
Powerless, totally not in control, submissive, forced into being submissive. (4)
• This was another instance of feeling powerless. As if the whole world and everyone in it is against me. (10)
• That [kind] of power is like you swim in oceans of it. .. It holds you in place. You are under it. It can do anything it wants and send anyone after you. (5)
• (Dream) One of the gay men whose wedding reception I was just at what trying to have sex with me, but then was impotent at the crucial moment. (8)
• Invisible is a key word for me. Angry is now you are going to see me because you weren't paying attention. (7)
• (Dream) I begin crying hysterically in my dream just like the night before the proving started. I try to get the Master Prover to see that this is a symptom, but I am told "This just your remedy state." I am so frustrated. How can I make them hear me?!
This is important and nobody is listening to me! I feel ignored, scorned, held in contempt.
I wake sitting up in bed with nausea, cold sweat, palpitations, and stabbing chest pain. (109)
Submission, “Torture only comes from resisting it,” “You are just under it”
• Not screaming denial, but almost calm or peace with it. Relief because worst already happened, nothing can get worse. Torture only comes from resisting it...saying "I'm not crazy, I don't want to be here." If you accept it, just fine. Stop fighting it. (6)
• Under it? It's like a giant concrete massive structure coming down on your shoulders, crushing you.
What do you do? You are just under it. (5)
• Subdued implies there is something there being subdued. It is more than just dull or uninteresting. It is keeping something down, something hidden. Maybe just trying to hide the dullness. (9)
Blocked versus Flowing
Blocked, “Like your arms are encased”
• Tension, tight, like a fish clenching (I keep making a fist), not loose. Like a tight wire. (6)
• It hurts. It is like the feeling, like in your muscles when the lactic acid stays there. You need it to go and flow and release and recycle (HG flow) (1)
• All of the sudden, it gets stuck.
Vital Force swaying and getting stuck and it flows again!! (1)
• Watching all these logs falling down into this river, getting tangled up in a dam, blocked up, locked up, and yet the water flows around them and through them. A log jam... Water rushing
and this stuckness. Rushing and being stuck at the same time. Motion and not motion. Two extremes happening at the same time. Everything is stuck and moving. (2)
• Like something is happening in my heart. It is like a band tied around arm that didn't get blood flow and the arm isn't nourished with blood.
When you take band off, life force can flow into it again... Before it was tight and everything was in my mind. A process of consciously relaxing and allowing life force to circulate more. (6)
• I am laying in my bed thinking about the pain in my hip. It's like I have a blocked energy spot there. The energy can't flow through my right hip. (7)
• Images of my mother when she was young, she is fat and unhappy. She's just hanging on to this fat. No way to let it go, process it move it through . You get that build up, it just finds a place to hold on, to stay, a story, fat, a place to hang out. It's numbing, it weighs you down, I store so much and I cannot let go. (11)
• Like if you were wearing gloves that go down to your elbows. Like your arms are encased ... I've been feeling like I am in an old suit that does n't quiet fit anymore, and it is uncomfortable. (12)
• It's blocked. Get out of the fucking way! Just as I said this, the energy of that picture is coming in my body and expanding out, it feels good. It feels calm, peaceful. (12)
• Confined, working in a cubicle, straight jacket, stuck in traffic, blocked, being in an MRI machine. You want to move but you can't. The only movement you can have is the internal sense
inside of moving. (12)
“Thickening,” Paralyzed, “it came into form from the energy that gets stuck”
• A mass without substance, a thickening, this is different than how I would consider thickening. (2)
• You have a tumor. Where did it come from? No one put the tumor in you. It came into form from the energy that gets stuck. It’s so heavy and dense. If you can break it up, to free it, and recycle it into whatever it’s going to be, who knows, part will be blood, tissue, it’s going to go away. (1)
• Inside this circle,...like a build up of something in a vein. Something that isn't supposed to be there, like a clogged vein or something. (11)
• (Dream) I couldn't express. I couldn't warn everyone. My voice would not come out. I could barely move. (5)
• You are in so much mental pain that it totally paralyzes you to your core... This is very strange, I do not actually feel paralyzed, but I have the idea, is this what it is like to be paralyzed from the waist up, you want to move and you can't. It is that kind of idea, paralysis. There is no sensation, numbness. (12)
• (Dream) I am on an organized trip, there is a very handicapped woman coming with.. (4)
• (Dream) I had a dream that I was in a wheelchair, and lived somewhere in Asia. My Dad was pushing me around,... Life seemed to revolve around how to live with my disability. (5)
• (Dream) We were at the Hawaii airport,... my partner and I were offered seats as long as we supervised a disabled passenger. (5)
• This is very strange, I do not actually feel paralyzed, but I have the idea, is this what it is like to be paralyzed from the waist up, you want to move and you can't. ... Sadness, for all of the paralyzed people in the world. (12) Transform, “one tiny little thing can totally change something”
• Like a microbe holding all of this energy. Round, little round fish eggs, in a membrane, but don't underestimate how powerful it is. It might be small, but it could destroy you, if becomes too much.
Too much of anything isn't good. Destruction, like anthrax, so tiny, yet so, so deadly, without warning, without knowing what you are up against, it feels very dangerous. It is not a bad thing
out in the world, its just this powerful tiny force. (11)
• And I am starting to understand how something can start to change, develop, transform, before the physical or more material signs manifest. (4)
• This concept that one tiny little thing can totally change something is like holy cow! Really? One little thing sets something into motion. Changes the entire course of life... That whole transitioning thing was in my head, transform into something different. (1)
• I also find escape in movies, reading, fantasy, books, escape, appealing and how good guys could win, ability to change the world (5)
Expansive, Flowing, Stretching, “I want to move into the wide open”
• It feels like so much movement is happening in my life. Got a new job, buying a new house, kids going to school, so many new starts. Feels like energy is really flowing. I feel excited. (6)
• I want to get up and stretch. (11)
• Opening up, being more free, letting in more. Not sure what that is. Not being closed and guarded and protective. Like the spider thing protective. Being open, breathing in. Stretching out. (HG stretch out) (1)
• I want to be free to explore the world and move towards the things that feel good to me. I need freedom to do that! I can't get tied down by anyone and have to hold myself back for them. I want to move into the wide open. (7)
• A feeling of wanting to be open, this is more on the physical, to have my body open up more, when you see a butterfly with it's wings together, sitting on a flower, opening up it's wings, a feeling of expansion and opening. Wanting to spread things out, create space and stretch. (2)
• In yoga last night the poses felt very luxurious and also had an expansion, a filling-in that gave a similar sensation of suspension, of easy lengthening that was devoid of effort or struggle. (4)
Water and Ice Imagery, “the ice cube going from ice to a puddle,” dreams of water
• I need to get to Seattle where there is more flowing water. It’s fun- whooo! Floating down a river. Whooo! (HG dancing arms, open). Floating on a lake, floating, (1)
• When I took the remedy out of the mailbox, I felt a feeling like cool water flowing down over me from head to toe. It was a relief feeling, I felt lighter. (7)
• The ice slabs, there is momentum but they cannot go or move. (12)
• (Dream) I had glimpses of ice caves or caverns, like where you might live if you had to in the frozen tundra (5)
• All I’m picturing is the ice cube going from ice to a puddle. It’s expansive. Whoosh! (HG: arms out) Expanding. Want to stretch as far as I can. It’s like a release. It’s just, whoosh (HG arms apart, swinging apart)! (1)
• (Dream) To get to my car, I had to cross what looked like a small creek with a bridge, but as I took what looked like a sensible route, I could not cross easily. I was having to balance and climb around walls that dropped off into a rushing body of water that felt more like a lock and dam. There were bridges with ropes holding things together and concrete walls with metal posts I could barely stand on for balance. Halfway into crossing, it felt like a very bad idea, like I should have gone out a different door, but there was no going back. (2)
• I see streams...water hitting the stones or a boulder in a stream. (12)
• (Dream) The far room opens onto wide-open sand dunes, and a river to one side and perhaps under the house, which is built of stone, into the cliff. (4)
• (Dream) I was leisurely in a river with my boy friend. (13)
• (Dream) I was with a bunch of people and we were trying to cross a river. It was flooded and dangerous. We couldn't use the bridge for some reason, even though it seems like one
was near us. It felt like I was in charge, but didn't want to be responsible for all those people. (106)
Restless, Hurry, “I am antsy, restless, want to move on,” “a hurried feeling inside”
• I had so much anxiety I wanted to scream!! (107)
• I’m a little restless right now. I don’t want to sit still. I want to move it around. Move the energy around. Don’t contain it, let it flow, let it be free, let it flow. (1)
• Feel like I am rushing about on the inside, but externally, I am not rushing. There is a hurried feeling inside of me. There is a strong contrast here. (2)
• Have had higher tolerance of things like my son's jumping around like Tigger (8)
• I feel like bouncy joints. They aren’t stiff and sore. I’m bouncy. Flexible. Springy. Like a spring. I’m thinking of Tigger. Like Tigger (From Winnie the Pooh) Do, do, do (singing, jazz-like,
• I get antsy, restless, want to move on. (4)
• Extreme restlessness, unable to concentrate. I almost want to scream, or to lie down and go to sleep. I feel tense, agitated, wanting to be present and focus, but struggling to. (5)
• Tightness in upper body, nervous stomach like butterflies where you think you need to go to bathroom but don't. Too much energy I need to burn off. My body wants to move a lot. Like run
or be outside and do heavy physical work. (8)
• Everything is from sternum up, everything waist down is calm. Everything above is crawling, itchy, heavy. (12)
• The time went too fast for me. Not enough space or time to integrate, to assimilate. Am I slower than I think, or am I just lacking enough energy to stay more speedy, more active. (4)
Impulsive, “impulses to jump in front of the light rail”
• Strange desire to pull the emergency-brake while driving, and make the car “drift,” or spin. I felt like I would grab the emergency-brake and do it involuntarily, and I had to intentionally
concentrate to not do that. (5)
• I have also had impulses to jump in front of the light rail train when it comes, not that I would do it, but I've really felt the impulse, that closeness to death. I think this goes along with some
of the impulses to hit something while driving that I had earlier in the proving. (5)
• I want to be quiet, but I hear myself talking. I want to just shut-up but I cannot. This out-of-control talking feels just like the hysterics a few nights a go. Very disconcerting. Intense. (108)
• Excited to get to some tasks I have been putting off. Today is the day to move forward! (4)
• I have monumental tasks in front of me. But felt very industrious, been typing my notes in order, new year rebirth time great start. (5)
• Feel like whatever I'm doing in world is charged with more momentum no matter what it is. (6)
Relaxed, “I do not feel the urgency”
• I am less quick to act on tasks. I'm usually the first one on the block to shovel my walk and driveway. I do not feel the urgency. (2)
• Unlike these past days, I do not feel so rushed. I feel more content than I have in awhile, just to sit still and be quiet. I especially like the quiet. Feeling calm inside. Calm like water and
open space. Calm like going with the flow. (2)
• This is a welcome relief, as usually I am constantly overwhelmed by all I see around me that needs doing, addressing. I am experiencing a deep peace, a settled, simple state of existence. (3)
Floating = detached = cold, numb, Floating = no focus
Detached, “I feel like there is a glass barrier between myself and others”
• Tension in household. I’ve been much more detached. This has happened a couple of times. I’m not plugging into it as much. I am much more detached from it (1)
• It detaches from it’s whole self. Detaches from whatever it’s attached to in your body. It detaches from that, then it like just falls apart. (1)
• I feel sort of detached. In a way that I find my self feeling surprised when I make what feels like a mutual connection with another human. I realize that mostly, even when I'm with people,
I don't feel connected. (2)
• I feel like there's a glass barrier between myself and others, but the glass is so crystal clean that it is only recognized when it gets touched. (2)
• Over group dinner, started feeling very disconnected and separate from the group. (3)
• I am having difficulty connecting to this proving. Nothing is happening. (9)
• I am uncomfortable that I feel no compassion for prover and her husband and their situation. Maybe a detached curiosity at the most. I feel hard-hearted and cold. Very closed-off (108)
• (Dream) I feel detached from the whole thing, viewing it at a distance. Not mine to play out (4)
“It’s a free floating”,
“I am going to a place of no gravity”
• A constant motion, a feeling of something brushing up against me and a dizziness that comes into me, a swirling in and around it...Something about it feels very light headed. I lose direction.
Am I standing up or lying down or am I upside down or sideways? Like changing directions slowly. Everything else around me moves faster and slower.
I am going into a place of no gravity. (2)
• It is free floating. A kind of buoyancy or sort of... A feeling of being on a tire swing, that twirls up, you are curled up in a ball, if you are curled up in a ball you will spin really fast, to prevent
this you spread out, the feeling remains soft and fluid. (2)
• Spacy, feel floating, Not unpleasant, but who cares... Not depressed, just feeling of outer space... When detached and floating, see bigger picture but cold and numb. (6)
• (Dream) Here I am at sea in a small boat all by myself. The women are now swirling entities in the fog. I am drifting, yet I feel in control and powerful. I am in myself. (10)
• I slid down a hill and hit a snow bank today. All day after that, my car felt like it was floating. I kept feeling it shift under me and I couldn't stay focused. I felt calm, not scared, but it was as if
I couldn't really feel myself, my car, or the road underneath it. (106)
• I feel so heavy, but the heaviness seems to add stability to my mind. I feel more stable. (7)
Ennui, Apathy, Dullness,
“I don’t even care”
• At this point I do not feel much love for anything or anyone, although I perform as if I do. (10)
• I hate the word "dull" I have a history with that word. I think of myself as dull and boring. (9)
• Wow, feeling sort of been there done that about everything. Ennui. Seen it all. Working on a handout but hard to really focus in and know what I want to say. Feeling foggy and undisciplined.
• Nothing to look forward to. Dull and cold out ... So much to do and I don't even care. (6)
• Today I did nothing except watch TV and surf the internet. I just wanted to be totally detached from life and its activities. I have no feelings today. (10)
• This reminds me of those people who were buried alive, but they were not dead. There is a paralysis that is like not living, not being fully alive, just going through the motions. (12)
• Sense of hurry to get everything done, but underneath, I kind of don't really care. (103)
Isolating, “Just sort of had-it-with-humanity”
• All I want to do is lay on the couch and isolate, I have no desire to communicate with people, especially my family (103)
• Feeling slightly distracted and disconnected though. Overall still in similar place as past few days. Not really down, just sort of had-it-with-humanity. (3)
• I've felt to stay in today. It feels so good to be alone, away from people and public places. Other than shoveling 6" of snow, I have not left the house. I stayed in my pajamas until
• I don't want to interact, I don't want to be receptive, listening, interested in “the other”. I want to stay home and do my study, my work alone. (4)
Parasitic relationships, Dependency, Boundaries
Parasitic relationship, “You suck people’s life out of them”
• Attached, parasitic. Taking from something in order to like live. It’s staying there because it’s being able to feed off of it. If it no longer... ...I don’t know? Does it no longer get it’s supply?
It’s not getting fed...emotional pattern. It’s not getting whatever it was getting. It depends on where it is in the body... (1)
• This is my life, the other gets the enjoyment and I'm the provider and don't get it. (8)
• Feeding off of? You suck people's life out of them. You consume. The consumption. You need to feed off of them. You are feeding off of life force. (5)
• Stuck there in bed with me, having to put up with me bringing in this infectious, festering colony of bacteria or virus that might grow and take over and infect him as well. (4)
• [Thinking] on these two words feeds the ball or lump and makes it grow bigger. (10)
• [During proving] I started working in a Fertility Clinic; I draw blood. I love seeing the blood fill the tube. (6)
• This overarching shadow poisoning the system. This heavy cloud of black energy. The poisons just seep in and devastate...
The poison is like a mist or a poisonous gas that is injected, filling up every empty space, it curls around, like little Smokey wispy fingers grabbing. (6)
• Eating is such a chore. If you're an animal that eats once a week, have to gear self up to do it. Big chore. Not natural. Eating is fine when I’m eating, but the thoughts up to eating, get ready to do
something big. (6)
Self interest, “someone who only cares about themselves”
• Like something to which you give and give, but it is never satisfied. Like a person who only thinks of themselves, never appreciating others or seeing how they may be imposing.
I felt like saying, "Back off! You have taken enough from me and my family, stop being so greedy!" Like what a jerk the proving is, like a person you would call an asshole...(6)
• (Dream) My mom picked me up even though the place I was giving the talk was only a few blocks from our house (I was younger, still at home). And she made me pay the $50 for parking.
I was furious and told her I hated her and had always hated her. (3)
• Bloating, heaviness, the image of super heavy calves. Fish eggs are fatty. (11)
• (Dream) I then became uncomfortable because she was making footprints in all the private walks of these houses, and it felt like she was crossing boundaries. (2)
• He's anxious, he talks about my breasts constantly, I feel smothered by him. This is why we broke up two weeks ago. But we're still hanging out, there is still a connection. (7)
• (Dream) Dreamt I was on top floor of a three-story house and had forgotten to lock main door. Cat woke me up and there was a noise, we went downstairs (cat in my arms) and saw door open
but two people running away. Locked door. And checked all doors. (3)
• (Dream) There is a kid there who starts to touch all my stuff, bother me. I try to be nice but he is really irritating me. The mother leaves him alone with me while she goes to get more stuff to
put in her car. I am a bit trapped there, irritated, bothered. (4)
• (Dream) I gave a man a key to my house so he could deliver something. At some point I found he was shifty and not to be trusted and I tried to get my key back but he refused. (107)
• Felt really good holding out my hand and say “No!”, I'm not going to let you take advantage of me (I'm talking to the influenza). Feels powerful, grounded. I know this is right thing for me.
What your reaction is, your deal, not mine. Setting healthy boundary. (6)
Dependency, Deep connection, “Neediness, like the need to eat,”
• This neediness is like a true physical need like the need to eat. I either had to get this need filled or cut off the need all together. (8)
• When I opened the remedy vial, it almost needs something,... Let me out! They needed something to help them. (1)
• Had a strong feeling or fear at how fragile life, and love is. My beau could just suddenly no longer desire me, and there is nothing I could do about it. I will have to live with this
uncertainty the rest of my life. (4)
• Son is bugging me because he keeps asking if I love him and I see this as needy. (8)
• Thought of my emotional and physical need for boyfriend as like a true hunger; like when you don't eat for a day you are obsessed with it until you can eat, that type of longing. In the
process of accepting this as a real need, even for someone my age. (13)
• Woke up with the song "I would walk 500 miles" from Men at Work stuck in my head. "When I wake up, you know I want to be, I want to be the man who wakes up next to you."
• (Dream) I was with my old good friend, and she was trying to get very close to me. She tried to cuddle with me during a meeting, tried to kiss me, etc. (5)
• There is this thing that is attached but not connected. It is now a part of me. The knowledge that it is a part of me, but I am not in connect with it right now (2)
• (Dream) I hugged her tightly and felt great love for her. It felt like our hearts were very close and our souls were connecting at a very deep level, beyond the parent-child relationship. (6)
• I went to a place of feeling I had connected to the Universal Breath. We are all one. I felt the unity of everything in a way I had never experienced before. I felt the client and me folded
into the universal breath. We are all one. We are all breathing together. (9)
Protecting, “So I took care of him”
• (Dream) I found some guy who needed directions, and I took him to my house. But then I was concerned that he wouldn't find his friends again (who were down below). He seemed
clueless so I sort of took care of him even though he was a somewhat unappealing guy. I didn't want him to wander off in the snow and get hypothermia, which seemed not only possible
but likely. (3)
• (Dream) A little kid goes off in the woods: we must watch over him so he doesn't get lost. (4)
• (Dream) I had a dream that I was sleeping in my (former) partner and my room, and a dark human shape appeared in the window. The blinds were closed, so all I saw was the dark
silhouette, but I was filled with fear, so I grabbed my partner under the arms and dragged her out of the bed and into the hallway before the person could burst through the window.
I tried to scream to warn the others in my house, but all that came out were pathetic mumbles, because I was somehow still in a sleepy stupor (5)
• (Dream) My mother was climbing up high on some shelves, I was afraid she would fall. She did fall, but I was able to catch her very effortlessly as if she were a child. (6)
• (Dream) I am the cat. I and my husband are my parents who provided for my education and physical well being, but were unable to prepare me for the real world. They kept me protected
at home with little connection to the outside world except for school and church. (10)
• (Dream) I didn’t want to freak anyone out but wanted to protect them from the spiders. Afraid, but not freaking out. Calm. I need to keep calm so they don’t freak out. Hide what was
really happening. No one could totally see it. (1)
• (Dream) Entering one cabin, we realize there is a man on the floor behind the bed, and he seems to be with a woman. He hides from us and also attempts to protect the identity of the
• As if my guardian angel is maneuvering on my behalf. Just happened upon a little tally I was keeping and made this discovery. It makes me feel protected, watched over,
trusting in life and fate and serendipity. (4)
Ticks and Lymes
Small creatures, Primitive, “Like a spore” “Like a microbe”
• I see myself on Earth, like if there was like a spore, that came from the ground, I keep looking up, out through the dirt, I see an ice-covered mountain, I see many trees, I am on the ground.
I am real small. Like the size of a tiny fish eggs. There's a group of these small creatures, there's not just one. (11)
• I am old and primitive in consciousness. (11)
• (Dreams) Spiders. Lots and lots of big spiders. They were in the house. I can’t remember who’s house. In different people’s houses, but familiar. Spider webs, big spiders in them. Nobody really
saw them. You can’t always quite see. Oh my god there’s another one! (1)
• Something deeper in your cells, or in your nerves, like a microbe (12)
Lymes disease, ticks
• It's deep, deep in the nerves. It's like innervated, in-the-nerves, it feels like it's so, the essence of the nerves. Subatomic particles making things up.
The nerves, those nerves that make the body want to move. But, the body can't. It just is in the nerves. (12)
• Confinement, paralysis, deep nerve pain, nervous disorder, mind-body disconnect. The body cannot act or move or function the way it normally does. I feel a swaying like vertigo. There is a
vibration, a constant movement, but you cannot move, you have to crawl, like crossing a vast expanse, you crawl along, because your legs are not doing what you want them to do. (12)
• There is a coated, dragged-down, but slippery feeling, like the way a heavy oil-sludge or wet clay coats things. The shame is a sick, hot sliding feeling in my gut and along my arms and torso.
Like I am coated inside and out with this oily shame. (109)
• My eyes are closed two lung shaped connected images, yellow, orange, red and blue, into a total bull's eye of pink. (2)
• A feeling of Northern Minnesota, but no boundaries, or even a map, wind moving through water, something soft. Clouds with color, being under water, clouds of color fade together and then fade
apart. A constant motion. (2)
• The bottom half feels kind of dead, not much juice. Hiding, silent, in the dark. Inactive. Hibernating? The top half feels more alive, but it, too is reserved, withholding, not allowing full
expansion of the breath. (4)
• (Dream) Claws, in my hands. Dug into the palm, broken off. I feel no pain, but how will I get them out? Is it like thorns, should I not try to pull them out backwards, but ew! That would be
horrible to push them through. I turn my hand over and to my horror see several points of claws coming thus all the way through my hand and out the back. (4)
Want of confidence, Reproaching self, Desiring good opinion
Want of confidence, “A small childish feeling”
• A small childish feeling. Incapable. (12)
• Feeling like a loser (13)
• I felt embarrassed.
I felt like a child in a group of adults.
I felt defeated. I felt beaten. But I cannot put the blame on anyone in the group.
There was one woman in the group who wrote comments on a copy of my paper, but she would not share them with me. This whole situation added to my sense of powerlessness. (10)
• Fear of doing something wrong.
I hope I am doing it right. I feel like I sound a little crazy. Not enough. The fear of not being enough. Being small. (11)
• (Dream) Feeling not successful in attempts to do anything. Trying to call to get somewhere, couldn't find number, try look it up, so much effort was required. (6)
• [At my new job] I missed one,
I felt completely calm and confident, holding onto my own power.
There is a definitive line happening. I felt like I am realizing how much I was lacking confidence before in my life.
Confidence, self-assurance, and powerful, quietly powerful; not lording over others. (6)
Reproaching self, “Feeling like a disgrace,” shame and guilt
• Thought about "judgment" - is judgment about me judging myself. (8)
• They take him to emergency. After testing, it's looking more like gall stones than heart. I'm feeling like a disgrace as a homeopath. (9)
• [I didn’t have an event on my calendar]...Now I only have today to pull this together. I am overcome with a debilitating sense of shame and feelings of self-doubt. I can't believe I let this slip my mind this whole month. I am certain that I am not qualified to teach these providers and that after the presentation I will be publicly marked as something distasteful. (109)
• I do not want betray partner. I want be with her and I don’t want feelings for someone else... kind of guilty ... (5)
• In general I feel guilty for being obsessed with my boyfriend when I should be more involved with my kids. (13)
Self disgust, “living in their own filth”
• (Dream) My sister tells me I have bad breath. Really bad breath. It knocks you out from a couple feet away. She says it in a very matter-of -fact way: with neither judgment nor compassion.
I am stunned by this. I had no idea. I can't believe no one else has ever said anything or reacted to me as though I had bad breath. I begin to think about what I need to do to get rid of or
counteract this stigma. It feels quite shameful. I feel like I can't be walking around with this kind of bad breath. (9)
• State of being of the characters in show ‘Asylum,’ they just accept they are living in their own filth all the time. (6)
• I worry about bothering my beau in the evenings with my coughing. Worry about creeping him out, disgusting him, repulsing him with this disease... how repulsive... surely this will kill our
love, will rebuff any impulse towards intimacy. Is this how a leper feels? (4)
• (Dream) I'm in a basement, changing poopy diapers on a black baby. Green watery poop, it's going everywhere...I don't want to kiss her because she's been in the green poopy water. (7)
Longing for good opinion of others, “Fearful that someone will disapprove of me”
• Talking with my beau about visiting his various family members. For the first time I feel an anxiety. Will they like me? (4)
• Tired of being fearful that someone will disapprove of me or not want to be around me. (12)
• (Dream) I was recounting a story, and nobody was laughing. I knew it was a good story, though. But then one of the seniors recounted a story, and everyone laughed.
I was upset that people didn't like me, but they seemed to love him. (5)
• Exposing my private life of my relationships that go against social norms; I could be judged negatively without being understood. (13)
• There might be something I want to express in some way but I can't because I fear I will look ridiculous. (9)
• I enjoy writing about the New Moon and sending it out to my mailing list. I received some nice comments in return which made me feel appreciated and that it is important to continue my
• I seem to have fallen out of favor with many people. Part of me wants to get back into favor, and another says that I shouldn't care about those uptight people. (106)
Haughty, “Astonished these women thought that much of me”
• (Dream) There are also piles of articles written about me; was I well known? I could read them and be reminded of who I was, how I got to where I am now (4)
• I am actually well-qualified and have been teaching groups of mental health providers for years without this kind of problem (109)
• One of the women told me later that the woman who had recommended she sign up for this program had said just the fact that I was one of the co-facilitators made it worth it to go,...
Both those women are high-level corporate execs, and I was astonished to hear this other person really thought that much of me, (4)
• This woman she is so egotistical, she will book an appointment for a massage, and she won't tip. She wanted to trade me hour for hour for no equal exchange of services. Her whole presence
is trying to bring down the establishment. (6)
Sensitivity, Extreme moods, Suddenly
Sensitivity, “I feel the sensitivity of the plant world,” vulnerability
• Vulnerable, whim of whatever universe throws at me. Feel delicate instrument of feeling. I am violin-some instrument that can experience such low notes that I never knew could come out of me. (6)
• Yet now, hours later, on writing about it, I feel sensations, a sensitivity of the plant world. I am stuck, implanted in the ground, or on a rock or whatever, and I am having an experience of intensity of sensation, of the quality of how much I feel, how much I do not. Perhaps plants have more animal-ness, more qualities of existence to them than I have ever noticed! (4)
• Very bothered by the volume on the TV last night. Staying with my business partner and her husband. Loud surround sound. Went to bed feeling a bit sick and out of sorts. (3)
• I used to feel like people were doing stuff to me, attacking me, writing a mean note about me, I do not need to get involved, I don’t have to be infected by it, or affected by it. I am not as sensitive.
I have a thicker skin. (6)
• The feeling of not being agitated or annoyed at son by the noise of the play with the car. This has not been the case for a long time. (8) (Healed symptom)
Extreme moods, “Am I bipolar?”
• So up and down. Am I bipolar? One day so good, then next so tired. Even minute by minute ... Extreme highs and lows mentally. (6)
• A huge polarity theme... extremes, like extreme exhaustion and tired and so thrilled and excited about my life. Moods changing. Confused. (6)
• I felt empowered after two days of being down in the dumps. (10)
• Having a tough day at work. I really want to stop this proving, I really want to stop everything...What happened to my Buddha-like stillness and equanimity! (4)
• This misunderstanding is really shaking us, and I hardly recognize myself in the intensity of my reactions. I can be emotional and expressive of my emotions (4)
Suddenly, “All of a sudden!”
• With the remedy, I felt as though I suddenly have limbs, a hand. (11)
• And then, from behind me, his mom shrieked and came crashing into the water and grabbed him and he started crying and she yelled at me...he might have drowned!! Why didn't you say
something!? I remember that I started crying and I was scared that she yelled at me. I felt abused by her. It happened so fast that I didn't even have a chance to see that something was wrong.
I didn't even know that some thing was wrong. The panic is from then...it's the same feeling as I felt then. That I need to take every situation and be able to evaluate it for danger... (7)
• (Dream) Like nuclear bombs, the end. Everything was gone, it was the end of life as we knew it. We were watching this big atomic bomb blowing up in one of the dreams. (5)
• Frantic feeling. Like something has to be done, urgency with no direction. (12)
• Suddenly, I cannot stop laughing and this is getting scary. (109)
• I suddenly feel angry with Master Prover for no reason. (109)
• Since taking the substance, I will be eating and suddenly my food doesn't appeal to me. (9)
• Thinking of water, boiling water... It turns into steam, Whoa! It’s the same thing. I feel like, there’s a point when things change. When it’s boiling water, it’s boiling water, all of the sudden it’s
gone. It’s instantaneous. (1)
• Need to realize that's what my life is-as human that's my experience, things could change so quick. My life normal then suddenly complete hell. (6)
• All of a sudden he's buying rental properties. All of a sudden, I'm ready to do it, start living where I want to be. Things seem clear, simple, uncomplicated. (6)
• And then I remember, with a shock - when I got hit by a car at 15-years old. The car hit me in that spot; on my right hip. (7)
Anxiety General sense of fear, anxiety, “a frantic feeling,” “what is going to happen next?”
• Shock, perspiration, stunned, white noise or ringing in the ears, in a daze, fog, at a turning point, on a precipice. Powerless and terrified at what may happen any moment. (4)
• Feeling really anxious this morning. Uncomfortable. Very on edge. Feeling in sternum of "what could happen." (6)
• Episodes where super nervous. Fear of being attacked was coming up so strongly.
Wanted husband to come home. So terrifying it
takes over my body and almost panic attack.
Mostly happens in evening, between 18 – 20 h. If kids are here, I'm fine. Just need someone else there. About being alone. (6)
• I just felt panic when I woke up. What's going to happen next? Everything feels so uncertain to me right now. (7)
• Doing a proving feels scary and risky. (9)
• Fear of doing something wrong. I hope I am doing it right. I feel like I sound a little crazy. Not enough. The fear of not being enough. Being small. Old childhood issues, never enough. (11)
• Survival, the pace of my heart is rapid, like an intensity, something urgent that I've got to do. Actually no. But the heartbeat is so intense. It takes a lot to settle down... This produces this
anxiety, with urgency, there is a kind of urgency to it and yet there is nothing to do about it. (2)
• Frantic feeling. Like something has to be done, urgency with no direction. (12)
• I feel very closed-off and exhausted. As if I have been flinching hard for hours, waiting for something to hit and hoping it misses me. (108)
Fear A sense of evil, “I am terrified things are lurking”
• (Dream) I was being pursued by an evil force. There was a mask that was enchanted with evil and I was trying to get rid of it, but could not. I felt scared that it would get me. It was a dread, a
feeling that it knew more than me and would get me. (6)
• Again, when I got up, it looked like a short woman was leaning over the back of my desk chair. Also, for a moment, the stuff in the room seemed to move: the table was sliding, and a towel left
on my desk chair appeared to rise for a second. I was scared, scared that there might be something or someone in the shadows, and I was afraid that I might imagine something in the
room coming to life and rushing at me, to attack. (5)
• (Dream) The feeling underneath my dreams seems to be panic, shock, surprise, fear. I feel terror someone is going to sneak up behind me and get me. (7)
• Experiencing a sense of evil at night quite active and paranoid. (5)
• I am terrified things are lurking, if I cling to the light or material world I will be safer, even the phone, even excess, this the world I want to deal no w, I don’t want to deal with the spiritual now,
it’s not my belief system, last night I didn’t want to deal with what’s beyond... (5)
• In general, I have been very scared of the dark, of evil forces, of monsters and robbers and evil people coming after me. I have this fear in general, but it is quite present whenever I am
walking in a dark space, or walking up the stairs, or especially when I am walking outside in the early morning (4 h.) to get to my job. (5)
• (Dream) Evil people, evil deeds. I feel like a participant but one who is a sort of observer, lucid, seeing clearly what's happening but not panicking, looking for loopholes and cautiously moving in
a way that will extricate me. my chest feels rest rained, suffocative, as if it has been clenched and twisted, held close. I don't want to write any more about this, it is too unpleasant! (4)
Fear of disease, “This lump might be cancer,” “Am I having heart attack symptoms?”
• I am thinking about how this throat lump is not going away again and the slight fear that it could be cancer. (8)
• Soon after starting proving, I became convinced I had breast cancer and proceeded to tell everyone this fear. (110)
• Am I having heart attack symptoms? Is this the proving substance? Is it because my boyfriend said he doesn't want to see me? (7)
• Doing a proving feels scary and risky, but I don't see my self as sensitive as others. The prover I supervised in the past had scary chest and heart symptoms. That's scary. (9)
• I am incredibly worried about my husband and the little calico cat. I am unreasonably afraid I will lose them both. I am deep in the shame of not finding a remedy that helps the bloody
diarrhea and gut pains. I fear they will bleed out without my knowing it and I will be without these creatures I love so deeply. (109)
• Odd spots, ... on my right foreleg, sure it is some effect of my untreated diabetes and I will die. Have been already having a fear of what might happen, but it feels more desperate today.
I must make myself care for this!! (3)
Nightmares, “Really scared someone will come in and kill me”
• (Dream) Upon arrival, we found that our home had actually been broken into while we were away. Though the door had been left unlocked, it appears that the people had broken in through
a window. My housemate saw blood on the window. I couldn't see it. There was a feeling that we should be quiet in case they were still in the house, so I stepped out the front door with my
phone to call the police. My phone was so slow. I went to the neighbor's house and asked her to call the police for me. My phone was not responding quickly enough. (2)
• In the night, evil rules. Everything about the night was horrifying. I woke up screaming. Dream of a dark figure outside my room. I wake I see this figure about to come in. I scream for
everyone. It's going to jump thru the window. I was horrified. I was moaning in my dream. I couldn't express. I couldn't warn everyone. My voice would not come out. I could barely move. (5)
• This morning really scared someone will come in and kill me. I really need to do something about this, if someone would break in and rape me, it would be relieving because it is the
culmination of all my worry, would all be over (6)
• (Dream) I had a dream that I was walking my dog in front of a super store and a security guard came out and asked if I wanted a treat for my dog. I smiled and accepted. Then, he followed us
and asked if I wanted another treat. I was more reluctant this time because it was a bagel he was offering. When he gave me the bagel, I became suspicious of him because he was moving very
close to me. Finally he asked if I wanted a third treat. He was clearly using this as an excuse to follow us, so I was scared at this point and put my dog behind me. He was very close, and I knew
he was going to attack, so I grabbed what looked like his gun and pointed it at him. He was not scared; apparently it was a tranquilizer gun. Before I could shot, he took out another tranquilizer
gun and shot me. I started feeling woozy. I shot him, but as he started to fade, he said to me, "it doesn't matter". He pulled out a massive knife, raised it above his head, and plunged it down into
my neck. I froze, believing that this was the end. I woke up and was terrified. My dog was sleeping next to me and I grabbed him. I did not want to look around because I thought there
might be someone in the room. It was a horrifying dream. (5)
• (Dream) Then we are all in a sort of auditorium, and these evil people are going to kill a few of us, in front of us all, like a performance with a shocking conclusion. On the stage, two people are
attached to ropes, like a clothesline, and then suddenly dropped so they are hung, choked. Is this real, is this actually happening? (4)
Suspicious, “I don’t want the government watching me”
• I don't want the government watching me. (5)
• Apart of these massive powers that can crush anyone. He can do anything. He was so powerful. It seemed sexual. When people are completely surrendering, it's very dangerous for these people. (5)
• I don't want to write about my personal life in this journal. Don't want to be vulnerable like people have a piece of you if they know. All these people in our community involved in situations-
so muddled together. (5)
• I do have fears about boyfriend’s authenticity, which creeps up when I can't be with him in person. He's asking me to work with him in a way that involves me trusting him in a very serious
way. I am thinking about how I trust people and how this trust issue is with me. I think trust is hard for me. (13)
• I know that I am not being excluded or left out, and yet I have the delusion that I am going to be. I feel very suspicious and confused because of it. (11)
Desire to escape, “All of sudden I felt like going under the covers, escaping”
• Very sudden. I don’t know how this came on, but I was drinking milk and all of a sudden I felt like going under the covers, lying down, escaping. (5)
• It was extremely terrifying, I wanted to curl up and not see what was coming, rather not see what’s out there, scary, want close up, grab my do g or brother, whatever is close to me ... in the
dream never thought about fighting back just terrified running away. (5)
• I want to stay in basement now that I fixed it up. Huddle under a blanket. Like a little apartment. So safe. Rest of house exposed - windows people can see in. Down here only glass block
windows, fireplace, bathroom right there. Everything we need. I love a nice apartment where others around-so safe. Don't like being in house alone. (6)
• It feels like a turning inward in a hiding kind of way. (9)
• (Dream) Dreamt I was quitting school to work in a car wash with my boyfriend. (2)
Forsaken, “I wish I had a mother,” “I am all alone doing so much”
• I just cry while I'm getting ready for work. I wish I had a mother. I wish I had a home. Home means enveloped with love. Mother means that too. (7)
• This feeling of being left out has been with me all of my life. However, during this proving it is much exacerbated. I know that I am not being excluded or left out, and yet I have the delusion
that I am going to be. I feel very suspicious and confused because of it. (11)
• Tired of being fearful that someone will disapprove of me or not want to be around me. (12)
• This was a hard experience, no one wanted to connect, no one ever really wanted to talk... (5)
• I have been crying easily. It all just seems so much and so sad. Like I have no connection to anything. I am all alone doing so much, and even though my boyfriend wants to help and is
trying, there is no way that anything he can do will make this all go more smoothly. (106)
• It is becoming really clear to me that I don't feel like anyone helps me and that everyone falls through on their promises. (106)
• (Dream) It makes me want to stop having sex with him, but I'm afraid of what will happen if I do. Will he leave me? Will he go be with someone else? How would it feel if he did? I would be so
devastated...it would be a breaking of our relationship. (7)
Denied entry, “I was on the public ‘no’ list”
• (Dream) Dreamt about the coaching school I work for. I was on the public "no" list for two different things (not something we actually do) and I confronted the head of staff, who wouldn't tell me why
at first but finally told me it was because I was more authentic about my mom since she died, than I had been when she was alive. (3)
• (Dream) With my husband. He didn't want me around. I was so hurt. Feeling of misunderstood and accused... Everyone was against me unfairly. (6)
• (Dream) This feels like an orphan thing. I want to fit in, but I don't and somehow someone might be able to look at me and say, "Hey, you don't belong here!", and then kick me out. (7)
• (Dream) My siblings are going to discuss something but keep it hidden from me. I become irate... I felt very angry about being left out. (11)
• (Dream) They told us we could not pass. I said, OK, we'll go around, but there was no other way. (5)
• I am going to back out on you just when you need me the most. It's because I am unstable. I am not going to care about everyone else's dreams and wants and feelings so much anymore. I am
unstable because I need to figure out what I want. (7)
• This feeling of being left out has been with me all of my life. However, during this proving it is much exacerbated. (11)
Breaking relationships, “My partner and I broke up”
• I saw her tonight and she wouldn't look at me when she talked. I don't need this silent treatment. I deserve better in friendships. She has so much drama-how can she love me like she says she does but then do these cruel things? Selfish. So I broke off our friendship via e-mail. I have no regrets at all. (106)
• My partner and I broke up tonight. It hurts, aches, in my heart. I feel empty, voraciously hungry, but then I ate some chicken and did not feel better. I was hungry again. I realized it was
an emptiness food could not fill. (5)
• Lot [of thoughts] about the way I handled the "break up" with my friend. Was I overreacting? I wasn't very fair; I should have at least tried to call her. I am pretty sure she wouldn't have answered anyway. Part of me wishes I had called her and she didn't answer just so I have more ammo against her; more justification of why she is a bad friend. (106)
Emptiness, “I feel empty and alone”
• Upon reflection there is a sense of emptiness, loss, and separation (10)
• I feel somber, melancholy, like my life force has been drained and I am out on the tundra, frozen, seemingly alone, with the cold dark dry wind blowing over me, into oblivion.
Without my partner, I feel empty and alone, so intensely distant and lacking intimacy and touch. (5)
• I have to admit that I have a need for partner's love, feeling content with love and without physical love. (13)
• Feeling empty, there is nobody there. Alone. Feeling full, people care, I want to be with you and participate and support you. Lots of attention. (7)
Sadness and despair
Sadness, “There is a reservoir of disappointment in my chest”
• Woke up feeling empty, sad. Like there is a reservoir of disappointment in my chest. Vast unhappiness. (7)
• Feelings of lethargy and apathy which led me to contemplate the differences between depression, repression, and suppression. Depression is associated with feelings of sadness which disassociate one from normal functions and activities. Repression is unconscious acknowledgement of feelings. Suppression is conscious effort to deny feelings. (10)
• I am almost depressed, feeling weary, had a difficult conversation with my beau and feel like all the sparkle has gone out of my life. I know I'm exaggerating, playing Sarah Bernhardt again, but I feel like giving up. The world seems dull, lifeless, pointless. It feels like way too much effort to really connect with people. I want to crawl in a hole and read a zillion books. I am adrift, with no ambition or energy to invest in anything. (4)
Despair, “I feel despairing about my life”
• Having a tough day at work. I really want to stop this proving ,... I feel despairing about my life. It feels insurmountable. (4)
• (Dream) I'm a bad speller and someone says that means I'm not alive. Like I'm not trying hard enough, so I don't get to consider myself as living.
More despair, is this really the way life is? (7)
• Watching Asylum-seems like "why would you make show about people being tortured" so awful. Live my whole life trying to not realize that or fool myself that that's not an aspect of what humans
are doing to each other. Feeling of-living on this facade or something.
Everything could fall apart and we'd be like animals to each other. What is keeping us from acting like that? So easy to slip into collapse of society and civilization. People torturing each other and living in
horror. Have to be okay with that. Need to realize that's what my life is-as human that's my experience, things could change so quick. My life normal... then suddenly complete hell. (6)
• (Dreams) They took the books, my favorites from over the years. Only my favorites! That's all I had kept, and I had been so specific about choosing only the best, the favorites, the most sentimental.
And even as I recognized that it was only things, I was feeling such deep devastation about, I could not seem to let it go. I then realized that they'd left my wallet, my money. It felt as if my deepest sadness was for what could not be replaced. I was so sad! (2)
Anger, “The anger is hot”, “I want to kick him, throw him against the wall”
• The anger is hot. Fierce. Saying mean things to hurt. Strike out and get 'me. I would say things just to get you. But that's what I really want to do. I always want to do it but you feel like a total jerk when you do. I've broken windows, kicked doors off hinges. I've done violent things in anger. You need to see me, hear me. I'm going to the extreme to make myself seen. (7)
• Pissed off, actually angry and irritated at our cat, who is refusing to eat this organic home-made food we got for him. I want to kick him, throw him against a wall, hit him, smash him down,
into submission, into blind obedience to what we want him to do. (4)
• I suddenly feel angry with Master Prover for no reason.
Rageful. Want to poke Master Prover in the nose! (108)
• The itching is so intense, I cannot get back to sleep. There's a feeling of desperation as I itch and scratch, scratch and itch, wanting to remove that part of my face. Just take this skin off! It takes great restraint not to dig my nails into the itchiness with a fierceness!! (2)
• I wanted to slap someone, I was frustrated at how the obvious video was, that was the capper on it all (3)
• Before I would have bit back, emailed her. (6)
Striking, Kicking, “He pulled out a massive knife,” “I need to strike”
• I found myself wanting to poke people with my hand, or jab them. I even play-slashed my friend across the arm, harder than I usually would. I feel playful. (5)
• I get mad and want to kick things. I actually have been kicking things... ...parking meters, equipment at the gym, pounding on my steering wheel. I need to express my anger through a physical expression. It makes me feel better. Like I need to strike. (7)
• (Dream) He pulled out a massive knife, raised it above his head, and plunged it down into my neck.
The knife finished it, but he had me before the knife. I was stuck, I could not move. I was vulnerable. He was sucking me out. He was evil. (5)
• Husband reports having bloody diarrhea with knife-like pains in lower abdomen. (109)
Battles, War, Fighting , “I can’t win this war with him”
• I feel so worn out, defeated. I can't win this war with him. (7)
• My brain is split. I have a rational, logical brain and an emotional brain and they are at war. My rational, logical brain has won most of the battles in my life, but now my emotional brain fights back. (8)
• The battle of good and evil, intense and dark, coming at me... (5)
• (Dream) Very competitive dreams.... It is like I am fighting for my life. (11)
• Have to talk in code. I don't want to be the target of a little war between whoever. (6)
• (Dream) Dream was about someone was going to bomb us. (1)
• (Dream) I was in some nursing home with a bunch of other people... We were looking out the window towards the north when we saw a massive explosion, blinding light, and a huge mushroom cloud.
It was a big nuclear bomb. (5)
• Feel like conversations with my housemate are met with disagreeable energy. It feels like anything I say, she argues it. (2)
• Crabby and unhopeful about life in general. (3)
• Been direct, not much of a mask thing, either bit irritable or lots warm fuzzy. (5)
• I am irritated that I let the dentist mess with my crown ... Ever since he fixed it I've had problems with it. I am irritate with my self for letting him fix it even though I had no problems with it. (9)
• Client sent me a YouTube video to watch ... He is proposing (as breakthrough thinking) that putting other people's needs ahead of our own some times is what leadership is about. Only a
man would think this is noteworthy, and only a man would get attention for writing this book or talking about it. I am feeling very disgusted. (3)
Secretive, “I’m proving but my partner doesn’t know”
• I’m proving but my partner doesn’t know that I’m taking it. (5)
• I don't want to write about my personal life in this journal. Don't want to be vulnerable like people have a piece of you if they know. (6)
• It is very private, don't normally share anything like this with anyone. I probably didn't need to share is not about the proving. it is extremely revealing and I am normally unrevealing with my friends. (13)
• In this situation, I feel forced to lie and I hate lying because I am inherently honest and I feel dishonorable. (13)
• (Dream) I'm involved in some conspiracy with the first lady of the United States and if anyone finds out about the conspiracy there will be dire consequences for her. Her security is all around her all the time, but they are not on her side, not there to protect her but to watch her instead. To look for mistakes or find out the details of the thing she's hiding. (7)
• The word 'camouflage' came into my mind. (7)
• (Dream) Entering one cabin, we realize there is a man on the floor behind the bed, and he seems to be with a woman. He hides from us and also attempts to protect the identity of the woman. (4)
Confusion, “Brain-mud all day”, “a struggle to clarify”, forgetting, mistakes
• (Dream) I was trying to set a huge table very formally, and it was taking forever because I kept doing it wrong. (3)
• Brain-mud all day... I feel like I am thinking through wet spring clay...I feel like I am moving through thick, heavy mud. (108)
• Confusion. I feel really confused by this process. What is mine? What is the substance? It is blurry, but it has a structure to it. I am frustrated I am supposed to be able to describe this. I don't think I can describe this. (2)
• Managed to get a blog post written, but it was a bit of a struggle to clarify what I was thinking and took longer than usual. (3)
• Loss of words. Mental fog. Wanting to say something but unable to think of what I want to say. (5)
• Staring at my prover as she sits and thinks about remedy. My eyes glaze over. (103)
• Because I was in such a hurry I did not proof it very well. It turned out to be a disaster, filled with mistakes. (10)
• I forgot my phone in my Dad’s car. I have been forgetting or losing everything lately: wallet, insurance card, now phone. It is irking me. (5)
• Editing proving journals for spelling errors. I have a lot of words spelled wrong (106)
Surreal, “Am I really doing this?” “Not sure what is real and made up”
• There is this surreal am I really doing this? Oh my goodness, what did I do? As if I don't have enough going on in my life. (2)
• I feel like a child creating a theatrical production for her parents and relatives where she is encouraged to use her imagination, but she finds herself afloat in it, not quite sure what is real and what is made up, no one to bounce things off of, no way to confirm the existence of what she imagines, or even to anchor the imagining, the felt sense through another to give it form. (4)
• (Dream) I had so much to do-working for a non-profit, going to school, and was trying to figure out my schedule. I couldn't figure out where I was supposed to be. It felt unreal... (106)
• I feel like I am making things up or reporting stuff that's not really related to the proving. (9)
Piercingly focused, hyper-focused
• Meeting friends socially, sitting at a table, feeling piercingly focused on whomever was speaking at any given moment, felt as if my eyes could see only one at a time. (2)
• It is weird to be so hyper-focused on myself. Normally things come and go. (9)
• Having a great day. Very focused. Very busy. Haven't felt this vibrant in the past four years. This is very noticeable. I hope it lasts (108)
Money and Greed: Money, Greed, Stealing, “We were all quite wealthy”
• (Dream) I am buying a very expensive coat and shoes. I am spending lots of money. I feel completely out of control. (11)
• (Dream) I found a wallet with British pounds in it that I had put aside from a previous trip and there were a lot of them -- like over 1000 pounds total. (3)
• (Dream) We were quite wealthy, it seemed. (5)
• (Dream) I was waiting for some supplies to come on the light rail, and I was going to run on the train, grab the stuff and get off. (5)
• (Dream) She was my friend, she had stolen all of this stuff from Banana Republic. I was proud of her-she rolled it all in a newspaper. Very clever, she's such a good thief. Thought-is it okay?
Yes, it is. Because of the cleverness of it. She was talking to them when the police were there about who could have done it. I felt really justified an d wanted to give her some sort of prize. (6)
• I went to a medium. He began to talk about my dad and his addiction and addiction in my family. (12)
• Been dying to play rook the last two nights, addicted, urge, need to play cards, begging people to play, intense, weird last couple of days wanting to do, very peculiar. (5)
• Sick kind of, watching American Horror Story about Asylum from 1960. It is gross and creepy. Feel sick from watching it. Addictive. (6)
Laughing, excited, dancing, sex
Laughing, “Dancing like Beyoncé,” “I am laughing again and cannot stop”
• Cheerful, random giggles. (5)
• I am laughing at pictures a lot. Normally it's hard for me to laugh. (8)
• Hysteria. Husband is home from work surprisingly early. We are in high spirits. He is making jokes and I am laughing. Suddenly, I cannot stop laughing and this is getting scary. I am out of
control and I feel my hysterical laughter turning to hysterical tears. I am crying and cannot catch my breath.
Then I am laughing again and cannot stop. I feel I will suffocate because I am laughing and crying at the same time and cannot breathe. It is like having the breath knocked out of me, or perhaps more like drawn out of me in hard jerks. I am not sad, and nothing is funny, but I can't stop this spasmodic crying and laughing.
I am thinking 'oh how stupid to die like this when the proving hasn't even started yet.' Everything suddenly stops and I settle down. (109)
• I saw people my age dancing. I though they looked ridiculous, but I had the impulse to dance too. (9)
• (Dream) I was on stage dancing like Beyoncé with another woman. (106)
• A little spurt of energy late afternoon, started dancing around the room, humming songs, playing, pretending to tap dance. (4)
• Caught myself whistling an old '50s tune, my friend says it's a Danny Kaye song from some musical. I have no idea what it is or how it popped into my head. It makes me feel cheerful, peppy. Like all's right with the world. (4)
• I am getting really excited talking about this book! (9)
• It made me excited to take the remedy. I feel so elated! Just so happy to be on the planet today! (7)
Sexual, “She had sex in this car and remains forever guilty”
• Thoughts of how exhibitionism would be received in a homeopathy class, since the atmosphere is so different from public spaces. For example, what would the class do if I flashed them? (5)
• I am getting a bit anxious and libido is a bit too intense (8)
• I had some imagination of what sex would look like with a guy, a friend from work with spend time with him; moving back to point where feel like I don’t have to be straight. (5)
• There is this car, as a teenager she had sex in this car and she remains forever guilty. Guilt and shame, you are wrong. You are not enough. You are caught in a downward shame spiral. You are stuck, ashamed. Shame is locked in you. (11)
• (Dream) While dancing I felt strong and sexy, but after the show, no one really seemed to notice anymore. (106)