Meles Meles = Badger

 

Vergleich: All-u. (= Hexenzwiefel/= Daslook/= Bärlauch/= All-s-ähnlich Asparagales.). Siehe: Mammalia

 

[Medicine Cards]

Aggressiveness

Badger is vicious, and attacks with powerful aggression. Badger is quick to anger and quicker to pounce. The power of Badger's medicine is aggressiveness and the willingness to fight for what it wants. The very thought of facing Badger makes other animals run for cover. Like Skunk, Badger's reputation precedes it. Its hissing fangs will tear less aggressive opponents to shreds.

Badger is the medicine of many powerful medicine women, for Badger is also the keeper of the medicine roots. Badger sees all the roots of Mother Earth's healing herbs hanging in its burrow home. These roots are a key to aggressive healing. Roots can ground negative energy into the Earth by allowing illness to pass through a body into the ground as neutral energy. Badger medicine people are quick to act in a crisis, and they do not panic.

If Badger medicine is part of your medicine, you are quick to express your feelings, and you do not care what the consequences are. Badger people oftentimes insist on carrying the ball for the touchdown. This attitude, however, does not endear them to their teammates.

Badger medicine may also point to the aggressive healer who will have the courage to use unconventional means to exact a cure. Like the mother who sits for days nursing a child with high fever, Badge is willing to persist. Badger people can be vicious gossips, or may exhibit a chip on the should, if they are out of balance. You can be sure that people with Badger medicine will be aggressive

enough to make it to the tops of their chosen fields, because they do not give up. They are also the finest healers, because they will use any and all methods to ensure healing, and will not give up on the critically ill.

A Badger person is often the boss, and the one what everyone fears. That same boss will surely keep any company afloat. Badger gets the job accomplished. Badger is certainty is a source of strength.

If Badger has pushed its way into your cards today, it may be telling you that you have been too meek in trying to reach some goal. Badger asks you how long are you willing to sit and wait for the world to deliver your silver spoon.

In this medicine, the key is to become aggressive enough to do something about your present state of affairs. Badger is teaching you to get angry in a creative way and say, "I won't take it any more." You must follow-up by keeping your eye on the goal. Honor the healing process as you express those inner feelings.

Be aggressive, but do not cut others to ribbons on the way-that is too much aggression. use your anger to stop your lolling around, so that your doldrums of apathy are a thing of the past. Badger is powerful medicine when properly used for self-improvement.

Remember that Badger may be signalling a time when you can use your healing abilities to push ahead in life. Heal yourself by aggressively removing the barriers that do not grow corn. Cut away the dead wood and use Badger's aggression to seek new levels of expression. Use Badger's medicine roots to keep grounded and centered in the process.

Contrary

Oops! Here comes Badger upside-down and fuming! This could mean that you are being chewed out by someone else, or that you have expressed your anger in an unhealthy way. If this applies to you, remember that all anger stems from anger towards the self. It is an anger of helplessness that is misdirected towards others. If you are angry at a co-worker for telling the boss that you were looking for another job, you are really angry at yourself for not keeping your own secret. If you are angry at your children for disobeying, it is usually anger that stems from fear for the children's well-being. This self-anger condition is usually present when you have "silly accidents," falls, cuts and scrapes, or when you find yourself bumping into furniture.

Badger in the contrary position can issue in a time of reflection on what you feel helpless about. Is it your lack of aggressiveness or initiative? Is it your fear of being blasted or belittled if you present a new idea? Maybe it is a time when you need to get in touch with your own jealousy or envy of others who are willing to put themselves on top through hard work.

In the reverse, Badger teaches you the pitfalls of shyness and insecurity as well as of misused or vicious aggression. Go to your feelings - maybe you just need to let off steam. If so, scream into a pillow and then punch it a few times. It will surely put Badger back into balance. Badger can be difficult medicine, and learning to use it properly is a rare gift.

In another context, contrary Badger could be calling you to use herbs and roots to heal your body. Badger reversed may also be putting you on notice to be aware of those areas of your life that need the input of someone else's aggressive creativity to spark your own.

In any case, contrary Badger speaks of a need for more aggressive action in life. No more inactivity can prevail without creating pain of some kind.

Overview

Badger is a quick and aggressive animal which will fight ferociously for what it wants. It lives in burrows and feeds of the roots of plants. As a power animal, Badger teaches the need to fight for your rights and to defend your principles against any attack.

Badger emphasizes that you should take the initiative in any difficult situation, and not just accept it meekly. If the problem is an emotional one, Badger encourages you not to keep your feelings bottled up inside but to let off steam. Have a good cry. Blow your top. You will feel better afterwards.

Badger is helpful in healing and harmonizing, encouraging you to look for unconventional means if necessary to affect a cure or result. Roots and herbs can help to restore your health. If the problem lies in a work situation, or is one concerning human relationships, the solution can be found at the roots. Take charge of your life. Go for it. Trust your abilities.

Source: Sams, Jamie and Carson, David.

 

[Misha Norland/Peter Fraser]

We settled on the Badger as an animal who in some way is seen to be particularly evocative of the English countryside ands in some way of the English character. Badger in “The Wind in The Willows” sums up these qualities as grumpy and averse to company, a curmudgeon, but also loyal and kindly and fiercely defensive of his friends and of tradition and historical values. Thus the badge r has qualities that go beyond its actual nature. These metaphorical qualities are often indicative that the substance will make an important remedy.

Badgers have also been implicated in and blamed for the widespread presence of bovine tuberculosis in the UK. This has resulted in proposed culls to exterminate badgers in certain areas.

There is undoubtedly a correlation between the infection rates in badgers and in cattle but there is no real evidence that the badgers infect the cattle. Given behaviour patterns and the nature of modern cattle husbandry it is more likely that badgers are being infected by cattle than vice a versa. The proving, surprisingly, revealed very little of a tubercular nature. The persecution that has come out of the tuberculosis crisis in farming has more of a resonance to a long and, unfortunately continuing, history of badger digging, badger baiting and general persecution. This feeling was to be found in the proving. The badger cubs are extremely playful and invent complicated ways of playing and enjoying themselves.

The adults are extremely stubborn and tenacious and do not give up. This is one of the reasons that they are so desirable as "sporting" animals, they will fight until the end and never give up.

The badger is a member of the Mustelidae, the family that includes weasels, stoats and otters. Various subspecies are found in a band that stretches from almost the whole west coast of Europe across Europe, Russia and Asia to the east coast of China. The subspecies used for the remedy, Meles meles meles is that which is found throughout Western Europe, except for the Iberian peninsular.

Badgers live in setts, networks of tunnels and chambers that they dig in the earth. These setts can be hundreds of years old and can be extensive and deep. They are extremely territorial and again these territories can have been established many hundred or even thousands of years ago and been walked and marked every night by generations of badgers stretching back to long before the Romans or the Saxon the word 'spineless' in the dictionary: 'Spineless: lacking resolution; lacking energy'. She said it wasn't what she'd expected and I immediately think, "that's exactly what this remedy is: lacking resolution; lacking energy."

Thinking about this now I look it up in the dictionary and don't find lacking energy but also find 'lacking purpose'. Its how I've now started to feel about the last month and about the way I've been.

For the 1st 31/2 weeks I just enjoyed the lack of worry and hadn't even realised that I wasn't worrying. 01P 32

Meeting has potentially disastrous consequences; despite difficulties I remained totally unemotional. 03P 08

Had a feeling all day of nothing matters, nothing is worth bothering about. Void of emotion. 03P 09

Speak to supervisor and she asks me to include some emotional stuff I've been feeling. Sort of went blank when she said that. I feel as if I'm on a holiday from my emotions; observing myself takes me a bit away from myself which is a nice feeling. 04P 08

Difficulty planning, organising. When doing shopping, I leave the children to finding ingredients for a cake we want to make. Can't really plan any shopping anyway, so I am glad my younger son

takes initiative. 08P 04

I feel relaxed, tired, don't get so uptight about things, just 'go with the flow', altered from my non-fluent walking movement. Not very organised. Don't get an awful lot done, but it seems to be just the most important things that I do. 08P 04

Sharing tasks, responsibilities: I leave younger son to organise the cake while I organise food for supper and the kitchen in general. Have never left him as much to his own devices; result was brilliant: cake and supper and kitchen were all done, I wasn't exhausted. 08P 04

Lack of interest: just can't be bothered, don't care. Can't be bothered about what we'll eat tonight, even though we have a guest which makes me normally much more keen to 'get it right'. 08P 05

Animal Behaviour

Awake early again and with strong urge to get up again and go for walk. Lie there longer to try to get more sleep but its not going to happen and I get up. Outside its still quite dark this morning. There are all the sounds of a new day. I hear it , feel it, look at it. Alertness again. Every sound makes me turn my head to locate it. This must be what animals feel like: in and part of nature and on the look out. I move but with stealth, aware of my own sounds. Drawn to woods but not sure that's where I want to go yet. As near woods my heart is racing and I can't get my breath. This is not fear or on a mental level but racing on a physical level. I climb over style into woods. Its pretty dark in here and I can't see much but enough to follow the path to the field we were in last night. I walk fast and come to the field. Climb the style but don't want to move into field. See a person in the distance but don't want to be seen by her. She turns and calls a dog and walks back away from me. Don't want to come across a dog. Feel very wary of the dog. Thought I'd wanted to come to this field to look down on Stroud again but now I don't want to go into the field and break from the cover of the woods. Go out stealthily into the field but civilisation is too near and I go back to style and edge of woods. 01P 03 06.20 NS

Sudden urge to lie down on floor and sprawl and roll around. 01P 03 12.00 NS

Home. Kids very excited to see me. Want to snuggle up to them and smell them. 01P 03 20.00 NS

Intensification of senses. Cuddling my children feels just great. More so than usual. Want to cuddle in and sniff them in and feel them close. 01P 04

Feature about meerkats. Talks about how they are family orientated and cooperative with different roles: the baby sitter, the look out guard and how all these things give it an anthropomorphic quality in the eyes of the public but also how there's another side that's dark and aggressive. Really interesting. I wonder whether this is the sort of animal we're proving. 01P 05

Irritated with the others in my group, almost a sense of competition. Who is going to be top dog, a slight challenge of Social positioning. 06P 01

This evening I have been joking and wrestling and playing with the kids at bedtime. 09P 29

Nature

Go for walk in grounds. Its just past dawn and already getting light. Its so beautiful I fill up with tears. Why don't we care for it (the world) more? I feel the great stillness of it and yet my heart is beating fast.

I have a real sensation of alertness in the top of my head: hard to describe. I stand still and watch everything, hearing noises, noticing the birds flying overhead. Though I'm still and calm my heart beats fast.

I move on a bit and I see a deer, a stag, he's beautifully framed in an arch of trees and he's watching me as I watch him. He's quite close and we both stand absolutely still and watch each other.

We stay like this for what seems like ages but is probably only a minute or 2. It occurs to me that he can't move whist I'm watching him like this so I move forward slowly a few steps and remove my gaze from him.

He immediately runs and jumps over the fence into the woods. A bit further on I see another deer, a doe this time a bit further away. She's seen me but is not so bothered by me. She stops to look at something else she's seen. She's so alert and still: it mirrors how I feel and I'm fascinated by her watching and alert movement. After a while I head back to the garden and am drawn by the spring I have to take a sip (although at the time I don't know that this is safe water to drink) and splash my 01P 02 06.50 NS

One of group has lost her phone. Thinks she might have left it where they sat and had picnic on their walk earlier through woods and she resolves she wants to go and look for it (we really try to dissuade her: it seems mad, its pitch black, through woods the phone's on silent etc.). She won't be dissuaded and someone else from proving group says they'll go to. Have very strong sudden urge to go as well and in the end 5 of us go with 1 little torch through woods. Very surreal experience. We make our way through the woods in the pitch black. Its not scary, feels euphoric to be out here.

Get to this field that looks down on

Stroud and its bright lights. Feels like we're looking down on other world. Needless to say we don't find phone but we get back safely and its been a real adventure. 01P 02 21.00 NS

Went into Birmingham City Centre today. Not used to all the crowds and noise, have quite a strong sensation that I just want to get out of it. All the noise and hubbub very overstimulating. 01P 18

Joy of sitting by tree, there is a heightened feeling of oneness. 06P 02

I am observing sounds in the landscape in a more focused way. The swaying of the grass lands. Observing little eco systems. Noticing the power of large rock formations. 0P07

Visit an Arboretum. Whilst walking round we reach a type of clearing filled with very tall old Pine trees and red Acers. I am struck by the beauty. It looks like the edge of heaven. There is a mystical feel, as if this is the doorway to another world. 11P 06

Driving back into London I feel incredibly sad to leave the countryside. I feel sad, despair at having to live in 11P07

Outside & Open Air

Head for bed. Look out of window into valley. Sudden urge to be out there. to go for walk but go to bed and sleep quickly. 01P 03 22.00 NS

Loving being outside and I'm doing as much as I can outside. Its a beautiful day and this is not unusual for me but I really had a strong urge to be outside all weekend even when it wasn't nice weather.

Its an urge that's intensified to how it would normally be. 01P 04

Had to go outside several times to breath fresh air, even in rain. Could not stay in dining room for lunch, had to go outside twice to relieve claustrophobia. It feels like there is something angry in my abdomen that

I want to rip out. 05P 34

Feel a real need to feel fresh air, instead of the warmth inside. I go for a short walk in the woods. 08P 02

Feel a real need to go out into the woods, fresh air, sunshine. 08P 04

Instigated a group going out into the woods at night, hate to be inside. 10P 01

Strong desire to be out side in the woods and to sit near the window. 10P 01

Better for being outside. 10P 20

Sunset, Dawn & Morning

Energy levels swing during morning. 01P 03

I have a long standing tendency to be grumpy in the morning and I have certainly been free of this last week. 01P 08

Rush to make tea so can get out for sunset, don't know where the time went. 02P 04

Wake feeling ready for the day which is a surprise! It's dull again but I don't feel so affected by it today as the weather has been very important. 02P 08

Early evening the sunset was quite beautiful this evening and really unusual. The clouds looked like the sand on a damp beach where the ripples of the sea have gently left their imprint. Instead of being a sandy colour the whole of the sky was red. 03P 05

Territorial

Come into teaching room with all my bags from the weekend as we've had to move out of our bedrooms. I'm the 1st one there and head for the seat I had yesterday, i’ s a comfy one. I put all my stuff (a lot of stuff) around it and then need to leave the room and find myself thinking, had I better put a book or something on the chair so people know its mine and then realise how ridiculous this is, I'm marking my territory and I've already made it quite obvious by the way I've arranged all my bags! 01P 03 09.00 NS

Husband has been snoring and I haven't been able to get to sleep. Having been lying here for well over an hour now. Usual methods like prodding him etc. haven't worked so finally say, "I can't sleep you're snoring". Bit of an argument ensues when he says he's not snoring which ends up with him stomping off to find another bed. The thoughts that go through my mind are that he'd taken possession of the bed and of the sleep and made it his territory without caring about me. 01P 04

In light of snoring last night he thinks he'll sleep spare bed again: he doesn't want to have to move in middle of night. He thinks he will snore again because has sore throat. I don't want to sleep without him and persuade him that it'll be OK if I get a head start on sleep I'll probably sleep through his snoring. My feeling is that I really don't want to sleep alone. 01P 05

Felt as though I had been very selfish during proving. I had been territorial and protective. 05P 57

I am walking up the mountain and do a wild wee. I notice that I am leaving a bloodstain from my period. I am happy and satisfied that I am making my mark on the landscape. It feels primal. 06P 06

Third time someone steals my chair, I'm jokingly angry, they say "you weren't here", but I was here, I was asleep upstairs, indignant. 07P 03

I am shocked and disillusioned due to territorial behaviour on chairs between classmates. 08P 03

I notice on the tube that I am sat next to a man who leans into my personal space with seemingly no regard or knowledge that he is doing so. Makes me feel annoyed, irritated. Felt angry and tried not to. On tube ride home man sat next to me leans into my personal space. I am struck by the repetition from this morning and how annoyed and helpless it makes me feel. 11P 03

Sex & Bawdy

Sex with husband. Feel less inhibited and reticent than have felt for while so its really good. More playful, impulsive and spontaneous. 01P 09

Friend holds up a massive bright pink Bratwurst which causes a lot of bawdy hilarity. 04P 01

Overwhelming hilarity at sight of a poached pear presented at the table for pudding. Looks like a drooping penis, unlike any other. The hilarity feels bawdy and loud among those of the group sitting around.

I see strong image of C's very large breasts heaving up and down as she laughs, stretched straight out on her chair like something from a Hogarth painting. It's a lovely image full of life and joy in its bawdiest moments. I'm loving C's mood and her youth, she seems abundant. I'm aware of a rather maternal acceptance of her child like qualities of selfishness and precocity which normally rankle me and now vaguely amuse me. It's a relief, letting go of the cynicism and dryness of old age. 04P 02

C is standing at the breakfast bar with pyjama bottoms revealing her very round buttocks and I have an almost irresistible urge to pull her trousers down. She is our youngest and has a wonderfully full and lively figure. D follows, saying she has an urge to give her a wedgy. Buttocks start to figure a lot in the group's collecting of images since the proving. 04P 02

Strong feelings of love for the whole group excited by thinking of individual people, for example remembering C is laughing with her breasts heaving, the hilarity of the penis pear excites feelings of wanting to be bawdy, have a really good fun orgy in the style of Hogarth, lots of tankards of beer swilling about with buttocks and breasts and big, frothy petticoats. Feel amused by myself having these thoughts because I am normally so private about my sexuality and sex. The idea of an orgy suddenly seems good fun and earthy, not sordid and desperate like I usually think. 04P 04

Slumped and farting in front of log fire, laughing, sexual innuendo. 07P 01

Picture hooks look sexually suggestive, amusing. 07P 01

Laughing hilariously at phallic dessert, sensation as if I've wet myself in a squirt, though I haven't. 07P 02

Two tutors take me into the office/bedroom one afte

r the other, feels illicit, like a sexual liaison. 07P 03

Interested in the concept of choice as a mechanism, like a circuit board with an on - off switch. Interested in prostitution as a reasonable choice. 07P 13

Drinking a little, got talking about moonies, bums, arses with friends – one ripped her trousers dancing today, one used to pull moonies as a hockey girl at university, I told them about the proving theme of arses, 07P 15

An old friend comes over for a sexual liaison. It's not unusual, but I am particularly clear this time about what I want.Very warm and caring but I have no hesitation about not contacting him afterwards, ensuring it is definitely a one night thing. I realise I've been thinking about and researching prostitution recently, it seems like a decent option, I feel very pragmatic and unemotional about it. 07P 31

My boobs feel massive and people have commented on it. Feel uninhibited. Want everyone together, no need for clothes. I feel I'm lacking human touch. Want to go home and have a shag. I feel quite lush. Not normally as 07P 38

Clothing

I've enjoyed Halloween much more than previous years, it fits in with my general joie de vivre! I even got dressed up to go out tonight (witchy costume) I don't usually like dressing up. I dyed my hair blue for the night and put on a short skirt and make-up! Quite unlike me. 01P 23

I spent the afternoon sewing. I altered 2 skirts to make 'miniskirts' each for my daughter and myself. (This in it self is a bit bizzarre because I haven't worn short skirts for very many years and I have this month had an urge to wear them. 01P 30

Getting dressed its so lovely and warm at Hawkwood and I don't need so many layers of clothes. I've got a short sleeved top and no shoes and it feels great. Reminds me of feeling so uncomfortable the other day in all my layers of clothes. I've felt uncomfortable in my clothes quite often during the proving. The layers of clothes is like the layers of rational thinking in the Dream:; the guilt, the consideration of the consequences. Its been very comfortable through out the proving without all those layers! 01P 37

Walking around with just a top on. Realise I've been doing this after a bath last few days. Feels really comfortable and right. Sometimes have slippers on as well. Feel like a child or animal. 04P 48

Don't want to dress for breakfast, go down in pyjamas. 07P 02

I do not normally buy many clothes, but I have recently been really keen to buy a mini skirt/dress and today I buy 3: 1 skirt and 2 dresses. 08P 22

Wearing my mini skirt, it is okay, but doesn't feel as good as it did earlier in the proving. 08P 41

Bought a bright red lip stick. 10P 05

Today I went into town and bought some high black boots, black tights and a short red and black dress, felt really good in it. 10P 08

Consumerism

I've ended up completely atheist and enjoying consumerism. 07P 00

Very interested in matt and shiny silver surfaces of foil on pot of cheese, more interested generally in modern world, excited by multiplex cinema, interested in adverts, drawn to city, noise, stimulation, my town feels too 07P 06

Voluptuous adoration of a gift catalogue, every thing in it is glorious, wonderful, delicious, gorgeous, beautiful, "too much of a good thing is wonderful", joy at its existence, single-minded, devouring. 07P 08

Feel loving towards inanimate objects such as the bus, taking my time, more deliberate, self-contained, people are contours in the area which I must move through. 07P 09

Groups

Lectures finished and some of group have gone for walk in woods. Didn't want to go (feeling tired and hungry) but now I'm missing them I don't know what to do with myself. Fell a real regret at seeing them go. Don't know whether I want a glass of wine, a cup of tea, a sleep, to be inside or outside. Have a really indecisive hour or so feeling restless and ill at ease. Suddenly want to go home and be with my family, particularly husband. 01P 02 18.30 NS

Still been missing the college group. Can't wait to see them tomorrow. Strong resentment at times that I haven't been able to talk to them about the proving. 01P 35

I feel responsible for the group: have to mark a point to make sure we find the way when we return. Others laugh, but I feel an urge to mark that place so we can't miss it and lose our way. I don't think the others will remember the path; I have to do it my way. 08P 02

Desire not to be with 'my group'; have lunch with 4th years. Not just disappointed, but I don't want to see them, close to being revolted. 08P 03

Irritable & Intolerant

Woke up with continuing feelings of animosity towards a student in the group. Had gone to bed last night with the same feeling, hoping it would go away. Had feelings of animosity towards her before but have managed to sweep them aside. Maybe it's because yesterday she announced to the group that she felt there was some animosity towards her from people in the group and now I feel guilty and accused. I'm also thinking that people are feeling an animosity towards me but it's momentary, coming and going with small incidences. 04P 04

Wife complained that I am being very intolerant. I am not aware of this and feel that I am more tolerant than 05P 22

Extremely irritable, misanthropic, feel guilt and blame, have to try to control my sharp tongue, don't want to go out, want to stay at home. 07P 09

Quarrelling constantly with my husband. I really feel like he is behaving in a negative and helpless manner, demanding support. I don't understand why he is behaving unreasonably. 09P 05

Get offended quite easily, feel like telling people to back off you lot because you think you are better than me, I'm closer to spitting it out, to speaking my mind, I don't give a shit, I think " accept it " to them. 10P 1

0

I find myself feeling intolerant in class. This is a new symptom for me at college. I am intolerant of discussions that seem to go nowhere or questions that seem silly or obvious to me. 11P 21

Felt irritable, on a short fuse, intolerant. The new symptom side of this is that I feel I am acting or speaking without my previous internal dialogue of 'what will people think?' 11P 24

Aggression & Anger

Intense and aggressive feelings towards others in my group, I want my views to be known. I stand up for my views and feel that I will fight for them. 06P 02

Suddenly I feel anger coming up: vicious, wanting to growl, to lash out quickly, bite, real vicious anger. Wanting to insult. Geared towards someone who isn't present and the frustration of not showing my anger makes me tearful. But then the anger comes back up, like a wave. Waves of anger followed by sadness. (Similarity with pain in legs and abdomen that comes and goes as in waves) When I realise it is badger

influence, I can let go of the anger, but the sadness stays. It continues to come in waves. 08P 60

I smacked my son on the bottom tonight. I have never done that before. It happened really quickly and instinctively, before I had even thought about it. He was understandably furious with me.

I am disappointed in myself and worried about the instinctive nature of it. It was entirely dispassionate, both before and afterwards. I normally feel inner rage, the awareness of which ensures that

I don't act upon it. 09P 13

Partner said I've been swearing a lot and am angry, I don't feel angry, just assertive. Feel like I really know what I want and how to get it. 10P 05

Irritable, really angry, could have bitten partners head off. Could do with a punch up, fist clenched tight as I say this, I'm really angry and irritable. I want to break and smash stuff. Assertive, feels really good to be competitive. I feel as though I have no boundaries, angry. 10P 08

Growling

Read couple of emails in the staff forum from the boss. She's written a couple of really curt condescending emails (quite characteristic of her). But this morning it really gets my f...ing back up. Want to really go for this woman, tear her apart, scratch her eyes out. (normally I'd feel cross but would let it pass over me or brood on it for a bit & then drop it: rare to feel aggressive like this). I feel quite incensed , arrrgh (growl), claws. 01P 03 08.00 NS

Growl about something that's momentarily irritated me as getting ready for bed. Husband says, "you keep growling". I hadn't noticed. I don't usually growl! It’s a noise deep in the back of my throat. 01P 04

Someone sat on my seat for the second time today. I made a low sound "Bwrooar" like a chicken and chased them off, neck out, no arms, felt warm towards them, it was a good-natured warning. 07P 02

Insects

Many flies and mosquitos around. Sensitive to their presence and frightened by them. 01P 00

Lots of flies in kitchen: not particularly unusual for hot day with all doors and windows open though seem like lots. But go upstairs and into bedroom. Count 12 flies on son's bedroom window then find at least as many on windows in all other bedrooms. This is very unusual: never experienced it before! They make my skin crawl and scalp itch and feel a bit shivery. 01P 04

I watch a Youtube clip of fire ants making a 'life raft' to escape the flood. I'm drawn to watch it. The way they work together makes me think of that fine tuned machine of my Dream: From that

I watch another fire ant clip about how a particular fly lays its larva in fire ants heads. For 2 weeks they behave pretty normally whilst the growing larva sucks out its body juicies. Then its head falls off and the larva continues to grow in there until it hatches. I'm awestruck and horrified by this. Physically I'm shivery and my skin crawls. 01P 07

Kamikaze lady birds. In bath in evening, one landed on me and I put it on the window sill. It then started crawling up my candle which I warned it against. It then jumped off it onto the window and then jumped straight back into the flame! The other one ended up drowning in the bath water. 02P 07

Side of house suddenly covered with ladybirds, they were everywhere came into the kitchen. They made me feel happy with a sense of privilege at being amongst them. 03P 13

Watch a wasp being caught by a spider in a rosemary bush. See the spider stabbing it and the wasp trying to stab back. Intermittently return to observe the stages following its capture. I have added this later because while looking back through pre-proving diary, I saw I had a Dream: about a wasp trapped in a rosemary bush, before this happened. 04P 13

I am having a lovely moment with a hoverfly. It flew down and landed on the cushion next to me, seemingly with no awareness that I was watching it. I cannot take my eyes off it. 09P 03

I disturbed a fly today and, thinking it was something grotesque such as a horsefly, I tried to kill it. However I then realised that it was actually two flies mating. I was intrigued and tempted to leave them alone but rationally decided to kill them to prevent the eggs etc. However, as I did it, I felt awful as they couldn't even move as I did it. They were so stuck to each other, they couldn't even fly away. They didn't seem able to separate and I felt sad that they had no chance against me. 09P 08

I'm plagued by flies again, hearing one all the time. I caught one just now with one single swat. I seem acutely aware of flies and how to catch them. 09P 08

A mosquito was bothering me as I lay in bed reading. I seemed to be able to hear it all the time, so much so that I started to wonder if I was imagining it. Eventually it did fly over my head and I thought I managed to trap and kill it in my bedside light. 09P 09

I was at the sink in the kitchen and a wasp flew in the window and slowly followed me into the lounge. I ran as was scared (I am scared of wasps but this reminded me of the Dream:). I went back into the kitchen and it followed. I became more alarmed and ran round to the bedrooms shutting the door behind me. Heart was beating fast. Went back in to the lounge and noticed the wasp at the window, it then found its way out. 11P 17

Alone

Feel incapable all day. Decide to give in to it and watch old romantic black and white films! Getting really annoyed with doing this diary! It feels really intrusive and like I want to pull down the shutters and be private! 02P 17

Desire to be by myself with nobody else. 08P 05

I organise a place to sleep: I get duvet, get hammock, hang it up, lie in it with the duvet, nice and warm, head in the shade side, in the hammock, in the dark, hidden. 08P 06

I am fed up of company and I really feel that I need some time without anyone else around. 09P 14

Feel the need to distance people from my self preservation. 10P 10

The noise really got to me. In fact everything got to me, opinions, noise, narrow mindedness, I want everyone to fuck off. 10P 18

Vulnerable

Driving home. Its dark now and I'm going through narrow lanes, nearly there. Feel wary of bright lights of a couple of cars I meet coming towards me in lanes. Like a rabbit caught in the headlights. 01P 03

A visit to a new neighbour who talks a lot and interrupts me when I try to talk. Her voice feels as if it is drilling into my head. I get a headache in the frontal lobes and observe her in a detached sort of way, I can' wait to get 06P 08

Desire to indulge into being alone and be fed, looked after by someone else. With a blanket and a fire. Wanting to be dependent, opposite to being responsible. 08P 05

Paranoid

Went up to common to see sunset, kept looking over shoulder because I thought someone was there but there wasn't. 02P 02

Standing at the end of a lane. At the other end stands a figure, not sure if it's a man or beast. Feels like it's looking at me intently, very still. I feel like I'm caught in the moment, doing the same. I feel a bit creeped out by the feeling that it might be a spirit and that it may be malicious or evil. But it doesn't feel that it would be entirely evil, only half evil. I also feel a sense of wonder and respect and there is a very internalised feeling of being excited, almost like anticipation. I also feel closer to myself and nature in that moment. I then move to see if it moves but it doesn't. I realise it's a tree. 04P 02

Whilst hanging out after class, I felt that others in my class were ganging up on me. It was two people together and it felt like they were acting in unison almost like a pack. They were putting me down through jest,

I thought that they felt threatened by me. 06P 02

Have felt very jumpy the last few days as if someone is sneaking up on me. 10P 24

Fear of the Future

Twice have had a feeling that something dreadful has happened to my loved ones but there is nothing I can do about it. Have imagined that my daughter has fallen down the stairs at my mothers (babysitting) and is lying dead and undiscovered. Also, then heard a bang and thought I saw my husband in the room except I knew he was out. I felt that this was a sign that he was dead, having been hit by a car on the street outside the hotel. In both cases I could do nothing, call no-one. I felt helpless. 09P 07

Lying and obsessing about the decision not to go to a remembrance Service. I feel that by not attending then I will be causing a tragic thing to happen to my husband during his coming tour. I think that I will be

bringing it on myself if I don't go, to spend the remainder of my life going to Remembrance Services in memory of my husband, It is a very morbid thing and I cannot get the thought out of my head. I decide to act on my instincts and change my mind. I will go with the kids to a Remembrance Service. I am trying to live by listening to my instincts so I feel better that I am acting according to that truth, even though it may be warped with superstition. 09P 31

Feeling quite paranoid about flying, about Partner taking out life insurance, nasty sense of something bad is going to happen. 10P 10

Out of shower and felt anxiety about health. Realised that the small bumps on my scalp were probably skin cancer and I was going to die. Either that or my recent abdominal discomfort was cancer. Feeling was a realisation rather than panic. 11P 02

Depressed

Suddenly felt really depressed, wanted to cry. In a state of despair all day. 03P 27

Feel utterly flat, depressed, emotionally unable to lift myself up, anything is pointless, flat, can't fill the emptiness, eat lots of ice cream. 07P 10

Grey

Feel grey and flat, longing for something. 07P 02

Everything feels grey. Work is grey, life is grey, Dream:s are grey. 11P 00

Guilty

Feel guilty, as if I've done something wrong, feel sick, tightness in throat. 07P 21

I feel a sort of self-loathing this evening. I am angry at myself for snacking on crisps and chocolate earlier. I feel like I have let myself down 09P 13

Confusion

Notice as I'm writing that I suddenly find myself writing the wrong thing. I'm writing the words from the next sentence which I've already thought of. Its as if my writing can't keep up with my thoughts which are racing 01P 06

Scatty as leave college and forget half my stuff, have to go back for it when was about to get in car. 02P 03

Feel really tired and muggy headed, have really struggled to use the correct format in typing this up. It's been like wading through treacle with it! 02P 05

Words becoming meaningless, can only hear sounds. Have to really concentrate to get any sense out of what is being said. Feeling of being 'out of it' above the world. 03P 02

A flash of confusion, maybe I'm colour blind, I thought I put green paper in the photocopier but it comes out pink. 07P 13

This morning I was completely befuddled at school drop off, forgetting things and having to go back home to get them. Normally this would send me into a bad mood for the rest of the morning, but I am totally fine with it and take it totally in my stride. 09P 04

Losing stuff. 10P 01

Time

Time has flown and I haven't actually done very much. I've somehow just been being. And yet things have been done and achieved! When I get down to doing something specific it seems to come easily and happen efficiently. 01P 0

Weird time distortion thing going on today. 01P 10

Started cleaning house, everything seemed to be slow take longer than usual. 03P 27

Clarity in the moment, forgotten what's been done and said in the recent past. 07P 02

Frustrated over rigidity with time, need for absolute punctuality. 07P 32

Quicksand

Great difficulty to stay awake when I wake up. Big effort. My eyes want to close all the time, and it feels like I get dragged down into swampy shifting sands. I have to work hard to pull myself back upwards and open my eyes, time and again; altered location: drawing down sensation in legs has altered to mental symptom. 08P 06

I feel really under pressure when people suggest that my partner moves back in now. I cant do it, feel like I am being swallowed up like a quick sand. 10P 18

Tunnels

Told to visualise a place that is safe. The image that immediately comes to mind is a burrow in the earth. I'm surrounded by other furry animals of my kind, curled up and sleeping. We're all snuggled up together and I can feel their warmth against me. It feels very safe and warm. 01P 11

I go with four friends to visit a disused mine. Two old men go every Sunday to dig tunnels to locate it. We climb down a shaft into tunnels that you can barely turn around in. I am lying in these tunnels and feel as if this is where I belong. I feel a great peace and I think that if the tunnel caves in I will accept that. It's beautiful. I can hardly contain myself with gratitude for the friend that brought me here. Knowing that

I was terrified of such spaces, he wanted me to try and see if I could overcome that fear and feel the peace that he feels in them. I never thought I could do this. Normally, the fear is so great that just talking about confined spaces like these make me panic. Instead I was able to keep any rising panic down; it wasn't difficult; I didn't want to dishonour such a place. Instead I feel like a child cum animal, we are all like animals, scurrying through on hands and knees not wanting it to end. I'm away from the world, I am in a peaceful place which is in the earth. 04P 45

Other

Out of the blue decided to email an old flame! Just thought why not! Want to feel of significance to somebody. 02P 10

I looked younger in the mirror, like a stranger. Did not recognise myself for a moment. 05P 03

I had a strange delusion, when I looked at my finger nails they appeared tiny like a child' 05P 35

Laughing hilariously at people's stories, including that everyone thinks the absent protagonist in them is me, which it's not. 07P 02

On the tube I sit next to an older lady wearing big coat and scarves. Realise when I sit down that she has an odour of not having washed for some time. When she moves her head there is a strong odour of ulcers/ rotting flesh. I find it too strong and have to swap tube carriages. 11P 04

Dream:s

There is a reccuring theme in my Dream:s of looking after other people's children 01P 00

Dream: that I'm looking after a friend's child, a toddler. I take her with me to pick my own kids up from school and its Friday which is 'sweetie day' and we find a nice sweet shop they're all enjoying picking out what they want. 01P 06

Dream:t I was on a big, old-fashioned steam engine. We were going to exhibit it at a steam rally and I was riding on the front. The owners were tinkering with the engine to get it all working well. But then we couldn't at first find the correct tool to make it right. I need to find somewhere to hold onto as we start to move but its hard because all the parts I could get hold of are hot and I'd burn myself. The thing that suddenly comes to me is we're all working together like a fine tuned machine.01P 07

Dream: that I was at a theatre. I knew some of the actors from somewhere. Its at the end of the show and the audience are waiting for a role call but the actors have all drifted off, getting changed, getting a drink. It takes ages to get them all back on stage, in turns by which time I've lost my family and can't get through to where I think they might be because the way is blocked by another show starting. I end up going a long circuitous route to try to get to the front door where I hope to meet them but wake up before I do. 01P 08

We were on a train; me and my whole family, heading home. The next station would be Birmingham but we were still a while away. We were going to let my daughter out at Birmingham whilst the rest of us carried on home because she was going to stay with a cousin: Fred. I was in a quandary because actually I knew that cousin Fred doesn't exist and was just a figment of our imagination. Therefore it seemed to me that Fred probably wouldn't be at the station to meet my daughter and I didn't know what to do about letting her off the train there (she's only 8). I discussed this with my husband and we wondered if she could stay with his mother instead but there wasn't much time to arrange it and she'd have to get there by herself. We wondered about giving her the address on a piece of paper and the money for a taxi. 01P 09

My youngest daughter and I were in the woods and came across a rectangular pool of mud. Daughter had been here before and said, "I wonder if its still so squelchy" and proceeded to try it out with her foot. I said, "no don't do that" but by this time she's been sucked down by the mud and had disappeared. She was still able to talk to me even though she was completely under the mud and said, "no mum its OK".

I was in a real panic, horrified, but she seemed really calm. I said "I demand that you give me your hand" and was fishing around under the surface of the mud until I found her raised hand. I started to pull on her hand but couldn't get a good grip and then I woke up. 01P 09

An arched hole in the wall of the house which is an alternative way in. The hole starts out about the size of a small window and opens into a tiny space just big enough for a person to crouch in and then it really narrows down to a very narrow, short passage that I can only just squeeze through on my front and then opens out into a much bigger space, big room or courtyard. This way of getting in seems very familiar in the Dream: I've used it lots before. 01P 11

Dream: I was at the top of a tower block that had a central courtyard i.e. an enclosed long drop. I was with another person who jumped off the top and floated down in a parachute position but very slowly. Because of the enclosed drop there was a really strong updraft that stopped you falling at normal rates and you could even ride it a bit like a bird on a convection current. I (but not me) jumped too and made the same slow, gentle descent. - - - 01P 13

Dream: I was going to have a go at riding a giraffe unicycle and was at the top of some step ladders ready to get on. Then the Dream: altered and I was upside down and close to the ceiling and walls. I was totally disorientated, couldn't make out what was ceiling and what was wall and where the floor was despite the fact each of the walls and the ceiling were painted in strong, differing colours. It was a really strong sense of being disorientated in space. - - - - 01P 13

A neighbour explained a local boy who already had a kidney problem had been given him something (drugs) by my son and he'd collapsed. I got out of the ambulance and went to find my son at home. He was smirking when I asked him what had happened but didn't wait for an answer. I pushed him over to the floor and started pummelling him with my fists but I was aware that I wasn't really hitting him hard. I was angry with him but my anger wasn't coming through this way. I don't know where this Dream: comes from: it has no foundation in anything that's happened. The physical sensation of hitting my son was really strong.

I could really feel myself hitting him: the strength of the punches. 01P 14

I was in the pub and was supposed to be with my husband but had got split up from him and was looking for him in different bars/different pubs. Instead I had a young girl with me who was apparently a friend's child. I didn't remember having made an official arrangement to look after her but she was definitely with me. I found some pens for her to colour with. I was doing some knitting and hoping that husband would turn up too. 01P 14

Dream: hitting my oldest son again and pulling his hair. I even picked up a plastic bottle of cleaning fluid and was hitting him around the head with it. - - - - 01P 15

Dream: Was carrying a small baby. It got a bit heavy just carrying it in my arms and it had gone off to sleep so I made a sling for it out of a piece of material so I could carry it more comfortably.

it wasn't my baby, perhaps I'd found it. - - - - 01P 16

Dream: The world is going to end, fall apart and I'm packing up some stuff just essentials like, clothes, boots and things, to take away. I'm escaping with 2 of my boys (I think I'm going to meet up with the rest of the family later) to somewhere remote (possibly an island) where we're meeting up with some others to make a new more simple life. 01P 20

Long, complicated Dream: about having a sexual encounter with X (not anyone I know). We don't actually have sex. The alarm clock goes off and I wake up feeling very sad and frustrated. I feel that I've missed an opportunity to go to bed with X and I want to go back to sleep and dream that I am in bed with him! As I replay the Dream: in my mind I realise that I started off with pure animal desire, instinct and lust.

Then as the Dream: progresses new layers of rationalising what I'm doing are added on: will we be discovered? What about my kids and husband? What about his wife, guilt! I get further and further from the instinct as I rationalise the consequences a little bit more. In the end I can't even talk to my close friends about what's happened! I feel as if this Dream: sums up the proving experience for me. The sexual urge represents the larger picture of being instinctual and uncompensated. My 'more usual self' rationalises life much more: questions and worries about consequence. - - - - 01P 37

One of the women on the course is breastfeeding twin babies. She has big, voluptuous breasts and the babies are big, really chunky and healthy looking. I say "that must be good stuff you're feeding them because every time I look at them they've grown a bit more." 01P 39

Dream: In a car in the back with lots of children, someone else driving. Being followed by a van full of 'youths'. One of the children is diabetic and really needs some sugar so we get ahead a bit then hope there is time to stop. I'm left in car with them while the driver dashes out to a shop. The van catches up before they get back, and the 'youths' surround the car, being menacing, brandishing bottles. They were about to start smashing the car windows to get to us, when I decided I'd had enough and got out of the car. I kept walking towards them each in turn and blocked their bottles with my outstretched hand in a defiant 'no/ stop' gesture. Somehow I didn't get hurt. Eventually my bravery won them round. - - - - 02P 02

Dream: A group of us go to a water place to cool down. It is a big lake with a hut in the middle. I have a view from up in a very tall tree that is casting useful shadow onto the lake. I look down along a very long branch that goes into the water and curves around like a very long elephant's trunk. There are actual elephants below that use the branch to rub up against and scratch. The hut in the middle of the lake has a further middle bit partially walled off of really thick mud, still under the roof but around the muddiest bit it is water but very thick with the mud. I joined the other people walking through this muddy water which required effort, round and round in an anti-clockwise direction. We did it because we knew it was good for us. Some people were in the middle smothering the mud all over themselves. There was an element of tension about how long to stay as though it wasn't that safe a place, but it was nice. My friends got out and cleaned up and dressed quicker than I wanted to be. - - - - 02P 04

Dream: I own a little tower house, some kind of old round building that used to be something else like a clock tower, however some of it is underground. In my Dream: it seems to be in 2 places simultaneously, London and my home town. You get into it through a little door in a busy street in London, and then go down some stone spiral steps. It needs lots of work doing to it and I'm in the middle of doing it whilst living there. To get from the first small room to the next you have to go along on your belly because it is so low, and literally wriggle through. I tell a friend I am showing it to that I will have to dig all of this ground out. She looks worried that she might get stuck it's so low. Then it opens out into a large room with a very big window. From this window I can see across the stray (a very large open grassy area around the town I grew up in), and I think how wonderful it will be when it snows to watch it come down from here in warmth and safety. - - - - 02P 06

Dream: Walking along a really winding road in a hot mountainous region. At one point there is what I assume should be part of an old building that was religious, at the side of the road. There is only windows left, but now they just look like windows for the beautiful view from the road. At one of the bends I find stairs that lead down to the car park, it's a very long way down and it takes ages, going down a few, then turning back round on yourself to go down a few more, over and over. I feel like I'm leaving the heights of the sky to get back down to ground level. I don't remember where I went when I got to the bottom, but I do remember then returning to the car park wanting to leave and get back up to the top. The queue for the lift was huge. Everyone was all huddled together, jostling to get a bit nearer the front. When the lift filled each time, everyone else very eagerly rushed to fill in the space they had left in the queue, but in small movements, shuffling, and some steps had to be ascended also to get to right outside the lift door which wasn't easy. I think everyone had bags of shopping which was making it harder. I felt too carried along with the crowd and didn't like having no space so I stepped out to look for another way. - - - - 02P 07

Dream: I remember being in a very big posh house that has lots of very complicated staircases in it. On one, in order to go down, you had to go up a little way first and then curve back round on yourself, you couldn't just join it where you wanted to because it had sides. It felt as though it was for show, to be posh and different, not straightforward, it actually made it very confusing.

Then as I was going down I felt like I didn't need to use my legs, and that I could just hold onto the rail in the middle and, leaning into it with my feet pointing out, glide down. It was a very slow and controlled movement, but felt natural and elegant to me, whilst I knew I shouldn't be able to so it. I was then seen by a young boy on one of the landings and so stopped immediately and tried to act naturally. He looked at me in a way that told me he'd seen and I just smiled and he knew not to say anything. For some reason I have to take this boy and his friend to another house. When we get there I know something is wrong. He is fiddling with the keys and I take them off him because I don't want him to go in first in case he sees something unpleasant. As I open the door a little I smell the air that comes out to see if it smells of death, it doesn't so I open the door a little further but sure enough, right away on the kitchen floor is a dead body lying on it's back with arms by it's side wrapped in cling film. I close the door immediately and tell him how glad I am I stopped him from seeing that. 02P 07

Dream: I remember being in some sort of panic situation like a war, and finding myself with others up a big tower on the outside. We had to get down quickly. There was one person who was in the army and told us to do as he said or certainly die. There were ropes and we had to hold on tight but lean out and absail down, walking steadily. I remember people falling off from above me and being determined not to let go. The ropes ran out just before the bottom, but there was an inflatable to land on. I found it very hard to let go. - - - - 02P 08

Dream: Re-united with 2 long lost brothers (I don't have). Felt really wonderful to reconnect with them. One of them is treating my first ever boyfriend who he says still has problems as a result of our breakup. I feel terribly guilty. - - - - 02P 4

Woke up still in Dream: like state with vivid, lucid sensation of expansion, almost bliss-like feeling that I was above the world, almost above everything that is, calm, floating but not dreamy. 03P 04

Woke up with the vision of a chart in front of my eyes, very ornate, a navigational chart of some sort. It was quite spectacular in vivid blues and silver and whilst I had the feeling of the sea there seemed to be a type of universe navigation feeling too as if I was being given the ultimate map of the universe to enable me to 'set sail' and navigate it freely. 03P 06

Dream: about moving to a house. It was a circular community where each house was a segment of the circle and the inner circle was communal. Felt as if it was a forced move of some sort and I was uncomfortable and edgy about it, something wasn't right. - - - - 03P 10

Get up early sunny morning with friend in pyjamas that look like clothes, feeling half undressed. 04 P 02

Dream: Really powerful feeling of love for my daughter as a five year old. She is so alive and happy. She is now - - - - 20. 04P 04

Dream: In a kitchen. Black objects on string hanging from the ceiling. I rationalise that they are sculpture. The black shapes are shiny, heavy, longer rather than wider. They are organic in shape. Like bits of something. They feel a bit sinister but because they are in a domestic environment, the kitchen, and I have decided they are sculpture then I don't feel I have a reason to be afraid of them or think that they are odd or menacing. - - - - 04P 04

Dream: Image of young, pretty teacher at work lying on a trolley pushing herself at high speed round the driveway with great abandonment, with a short skirt on, baring her bottom and also her vagina. I can see in great detail the pubic hair around her vagina. It's silvery grey, coarse and sparse, like an old lady's. I feel momentary shame and concern for her, for being so abandoned. I am standing with teachers from my department and we are all laughing, saying how crazy she is. But we are also concerned that the school boys and teachers will see her and then mock her, so we are feeling protective of her and her craziness as well. - - - - 04P 04

Dream: Partner is telling me how he used to run around, as a child with his friends on holiday, and enter the houses of a shanty town messing up the families' belongings. We are standing in the area as he is telling me and I feel really cross because he cannot see how horrible that is. I feel sad for the families and ashamed at this behaviour. - - - - 04P 04

Dream: My co-worker accuses me of stealing some paper. I go 'What?' 'What?' 'What are you saying?' like a kid, denying by looking surprised and offended. Feel really upset and accused and manage to get her off my back. Then realise that I have in fact stolen a sketch book and therefore I have lied about the stealing. Feel a bit bad but then realise that I had been accused of stealing paper, not the sketch book. I then feel a relief because I haven't lied after all and I have managed to steal the sketch book without getting found out. - - - - 04P 05

Dream: Standing in Sloane Square waiting for my partner. Raise my arms to put my hair up and then realise I have hairy arm pits. Get a snapshot of my hairy armpits in detail. Elegant, suited man in his fifties catches sight of my armpits and is curious and attracted to them so I feel reassured and can carry on. Keep trying to put my hair up with elastic band but can't get it right. Hair feels too thick and the texture feels uncomfortable to the skin on my hands as if my skin is too dry. I can't manipulate the hair and elastic band properly and can't get the bun in the centre. My arms feel really heavy and tired. This overplays again and again. Meanwhile young men keep walking towards me and smiling. I smile back and realise they're smiling at someone behind me. I think they're my partner each time but as I realise they're not they morph into someone else. I feel embarrassed and awkward, shy and unattractive. - - - - 04P 06

Dream: I'm a student, but also an adult, living with other students in a really nice house which is chaotic but homely. Two men drive up in a very expensive car surveying us. I feel plain and uninteresting compared to the other students but then the driver shows an interest in me. Then I feel attractive. I am also turned on by the situation, which is like one of a prostitute being picked up

by a man, because it feels seedy, dangerous and slightly abusive. - - - - 04P 07

Dream: Trying to escape from some very sinister people, one who is a woman. Everything feels a bit futuristic set in a dark dungeon. I am with a heroic character but then I am the heroic character.

I am flying at great speed, like batman, down a long tunnel, dark and glistening, like a sewage tunnel. I'm flying towards a gate at the end before it closes. As I get near it's already closed. I nearly panic but because I am a super hero I calmly whoosh down to the right and enter a subsidiary tunnel. There is an Amazonian female welder welding a gate onto its exit. I ask her to let me through. She is scared for me and herself, in case she gets caught out helping me, but she lets me through. I feel a huge gratitude for her but I feel bad for asking her to help me because I know she may now get killed and tortured. 04P 07

Dream: I am on a peninsula which has sand dunes and coarse grass, going up and down. Feel as if I'm on a walking holiday visiting homes on the way. Rich houses. Man in his 50's, rugged, weathered, bit shabby. I'm attracted to this man, curious about him but my sister says to keep away. Feel as if I can make friends with this man will feel secure. He's by a fire, moving around. He slightly scares me but I think he's good even if anyone else doesn't. Walking along lane. Snake comes out at me like a dart and I dodge, warn people behind me. See snake's head at eye level very defined, its body out of focus. Encounter with a dog along the way, walking downhill along the dunes. Was a physical feeling of its body mixed with a vague sexual feeling. Talking to a dog lying on the ground, bear like, big woolly hairy dog, stroking it roughly, friendly dog, feel like its looking after me. At the same time wondering if it's getting an erection but don't let it worry me. I like stroking it too much. - - - - 04P 08

Dream: Italy. Lots of money around, talking about money, buying things, market with jewellery. Italian friends are in the dream feels quite dark, glistening, almost like an Arab bazaar. - - - - 04P 08

Dream: In the wilderness, the steppes, dry, bitterly cold and beautiful. Ice cold. Wild animals. Beautiful delicate creatures eating crunchy grass. I can see their lips close up around the green crunchy blades of grass coming through the icy ground. They can find the grass because they're wild, not like me. They're surviving. Are they deer? My legs are so bitterly cold. Snow is stinging them. Trying to survive but getting colder. Can feel my legs freezing up. Difficult to move them. Feel as if I might die. I'm given some special trousers for the cold and put them on. Feel my legs getting warmer. - - - - 04P 10

Dream: Skiing. Skating on ice. Perfect carving patterns through the snow and ice. - - - - 04P 10

Dream: Staying in a communal house. Looking at it from above, like a floor plan. Like a box separated into box like compartments, each with paper thin walls. - - - - 04P 10

Dream: At homeopathy school. Trying to find way to my bedroom. Feel disconnected from everyone. Can't find my way. Keep going the wrong way. No one is helping me. Suddenly come across an old school friend but I don't know how to talk to her. She seems happy and comfortable but I'm not. - - - - 04P 10

Strong memory of a very physical sensation of rubbing up against another man, so I must be feeling like a man. Our chests are rubbing against each other. Hairy chests, like coarse hair. Can feel that sensation very clearly. Very sexual and powerful. A feeling of competition, physical and powerful strength, vigorously rubbing up and down against each other as if in a competition of strength. - - - - 04P 12

Dream: My daughter is sitting astride my lap with her arms round me and head on my shoulder like a child though she is her present age of 20. Her partner is sitting next to us with my daughter's best friend sitting on his lap. I see them have a covert kiss. I get seething angry. Really seething. I pick my daughter's friend up by her face with just one hand. My whole hand is around her face and I dig my finger nails into her skin. She is shocked and completely still, sort of hanging there half suspended by my hand. In a seething voice I tell her to never touch him again. Her face morphs into another face. I know I am being a complete bully but I can't stop my self because I need to vindicate my feelings of anger and protection towards my daughter. I feel repulsed at myself, bullying a younger and weaker person, but at the same time I feel a kind of masculine pride, that it's my responsibility as a man to do this in order to protect my daughter. - - - - 04P 13

Leaving my partner. My partner cheating on me and I leave him. 04P 13

Dream: Lovely eating place high up on a hill looking over the sea. Idyllic and tranquil. Simple, metal lanterns on the tables. I steal one as I leave. Other women in the cafe. Feel a sexual attraction towards them. Sitting with another woman, stranger. Strong attraction towards her, feels quite predatory and male but I am definitely a woman. Tell her to steal a lantern. Then the owners come out, female gay couple who are really nice. Feel guilty and want to put the lanterns back but might get caught. Feel as if I have betrayed them and their hospitality, feel false, as if I am bad and they are good. - - - - 04P 14

Dream: Strong sexual urge to masturbate. Try to find somewhere but my mother or my daughter keep appearing. - - - - 04P 16

Dream: Woken up by fear of diving underwater to a cave. I know there is sulphur gas in there and I don't want to breathe it in. I panic and head back, water swirling around me, which wakes me up. - - - - 04P 17

Dream: Arena with a throng of shabby people. Savagely beating men with planks of wood. One tries to get out and is pulled back and beaten. Can see the planks beating their bodies and heads.

Am in the arena looking down. Watching a man's head being hacked off in a really messy, brutal way. Fearful I'll be spotted. Not feeling too much, just shocked. See huge photos of men's upper body. Put up there by militant extremists. One man has throat gashed, really messy. All the men's eyes have been mutilated. The two eyes have been made into one eye like a cyclop's eye in the centre. It's bulging and has been enlarged to make it wide open so it can't blink. There is still a second eye next to the central one but it's smaller. It's ghastly and nightmarish. - - - - 04P 19

Dream: Bar full of ½ naked men. I had to brush past them if I wanted a drink, did not like the thought. - - - - 05P 04

Dream: Could see a young girls legs through a see – through dress, had lustful thoughts. - - - - 05P 07

Dream: Hotel, long passage to reception, thought it was 10 h. and that I had missed breakfast, but then noticed my watch hands were turning very fast and it was actually only 8 h. - - - - 05P 09

Dream: Held captive in grounds of a large house. Tried escaping by running through woods but it was all in vain, I could not escape. Felt very inevitable and hopeless. It was as though there was a boundary that I could not pass. I seemed to be captive in the woods not the house. - - - - 05P 21

Dream: mixing chemical together to see if they explode. It produced a high energy whooshing like a rocket and a white light/flame; I hid behind the furniture. 05P 24

Dream: Belt tightening and tightening around my waist. In my sleep I was saying " no" - I made myself wake up so that my ? could be heard - wife heard me wailing. 05P 25

Dream: daughter taken by freak wave at beach, wife hysterical saying " was digging herself in over there" I pictured her under the water burying herself under the sand like a scared crab so I would not be able to find her and she would drown. 05P 43

Dream: I was living in a commune in Glastonbury. My boyfriend was there as well and we were preparing food. There were other men there who seemed to like me sexually, though they were with partners, we were flirting anyway. I was enjoying the attention. 06P 03

Dream: Within a time span of half an hour three generations of the men in my family died. I experienced this one after the other. My reaction to my grandfather was acceptance, as I knew that he was old and knew that in reality he was already dead. Then when it came to my father I also accepted the news, as I knew he had died a while back in reality and so it wasn't really a shock. I had already grieved a lot for him. But I said as an answer to someone in my Dream: that my father was my fire. This felt like a very profound and meaningful statement at the time. Then lastly I went to my mum' house and my brother was upstairs dead, having had a heart attack of some sort and had drowned in a puddle of blood. I started screaming " How could this happen? How could this happen?" I was in full grief mode, wailing out the window. I was beside myself. And couldn't understand how we let other human beings come to such a tragic end. Whose responsibility is it? Why don' we care more? My boyfriend then woke me as he said I was weeping. 06P 13

Dream: Two of my colleagues are waiting to leave in the car, me and a male colleague are indulging in erotic stroking in the garden, and his body is also the garden, he's worried about me pressing down the plants, "don't trample the rocket", we have a vague sense that someone might see us, but we carry on, rolling around together, I assume it's ok, it feels good and he's impressed. 07P 02

Dream: I think I'm fabulous but people gathering around me are jeering. 07P 02

Dream: I'm in a prison camp, we've been promised to leave, get ready, parade out then paraded straight back in again, disappointment, Jewish-Nazi connection. 07P 06

Dream: I'm on a boat in a river with my colleagues, can stand on the boat or dive and swim alongside, I flirt with an encouraging attractive man, then relax and kiss a lovely less attractive man, I don't have to try hard. 07P 07

Dream: I'm cuddling and kissing with an old boyfriend. 07P 10

Dream: a potato headed man is being shaved with a peeler, he's creamy white, I can't wait to touch him, we kiss, I'm surprised his mouth doesn't taste of salt. 07P 12

Dream: A group of people have committed a crime, there's real camaraderie before they get taken away, feels dirty, wake up feeling guilty. 07P 34

Dream: I was sharing my room with 2 others. My friends are in a different room, also sharing with someone else. In the morning we are lining up for the bathroom, with our towels around our necks. Suddenly my friends come in with their towels, giggling but also indignant: "the other woman won't let us in to the bathroom. She says we are not allowed in, she is staying there and nobody else can use the bathroom." I feel this can become a really unpleasant territorial issue, I decide to laugh it off with a joke: "Oh well, if you grow mushrooms up certain parts of your body, it may take a while before you're finished cleaning yourself." 08P 02

Dream: with images of body parts, legs, piles of legs. 08P 07

Dream: about money: I have taken some money from the table where all betting money was 08P 09

Dream: I'm in the street, I have a saw - like knife with me, opened up so everybody can see I got a knife. Other people also have their stiletto's with them and open. 08P 16

Dream:t that a friend of ours has got cancer and we get her daughters to stay with us for a night. But after 3 weeks I realise that the parents have never come to collect the girls, so they stay and live with us. 08P 22

Dream: of mountain, skiing down. 08P 31

Dream: of a strange 'futuristic' style tall platform, like a watchtower. There was a room at the top which was used to spy on people or watch what was happening in the corners of a grassy yard down below the tower. It has a sinister feel to it, and I was not in the tower, but was looking up at it from below. I felt that there was nowhere I could be without being seen. The whole yard was illuminated with beams of light from the top of the tower. 09P02

Dream: I was in a scorched earth and separated from my son, except I had my other two children with me. I tried to leave them with someone while I ran around looking for my son, but they abandoned them so I was forced to search whilst carrying my other children. I finally found him and we all had to pack up our things (remnants within ashes) as we were being told to come away forever. It was frightening and panicky. I didn't feel I would manage it, and felt that we wouldn't survive without everything we needed. 09P 06

Dream: there was an aeroplane that had been hijacked and that the plane was going to be blown up on the tarmac. My husband was involved in getting the terrorists out of the plane whilst I looked after the kids elsewhere. In the Dream: I felt torn between looking after the kids and being with my husband. At one point, I leave my kids with a friend so that I can go and be with my husband even though it is very dangerous. whilst it isn't safe, I feel better that I am near him and that I am doing all that I can to prevent a disaster. 09P 17

Dream: something ancient. I can't remember the details but I know that the essence was of something ancient and timeless. It was important. 09P 30

Have a Dream: last night, not very clear about some animal or even person marking there territory by spraying on it (yuck). 10P 06

Dream: that I was bullying my 8 - year old son, in it I felt irritable, antagonistic, being nasty, as if I was bullying him. 11P 04

Dream: I took a glass vase from the fridge with a mouldy type of mixture in it. It had been in fridge for a long time, had been put there on purpose. When I had taken it out I realised there were two large wasps in it still a bit dopey from having been in the fridge for so long. They start to wake up. I realise they see me as the person who has trapped them (but it was unintentional). They warm up and wake up and one of them starts to chase me, as I run faster I realise it is going to sting me. 11P 11

Dream: I am driving a car (a mini) with my son, daughter, mother in law and mother in law's partner inside. There is a heavy frost outside and I am trying to turn the car around on a grassy verge very close to a river. I think to myself that it would be awful to fall in. I try to go a little closer to the river in order to complete a turn and the car slides into the water. We sink and the car starts to fill with water. I manage to get out and try to swim back to get my son and daughter but I don't move. My Mother in law and her partner free them and all are ok. I am left with the feeling that it was my silly fault and I could not get to them. Feeling of horrid helpless panic. 11P 13

Dream: My brothers were being horrible (normal) and I was an outcast and being driven away. The unusual part was I just accepted it and bowed to their authority. 12P 19

Dream: I am working on Toronto subway, it is my first day and no one tells me what to do. There is a notice that says everyone has to make a pipe by sticking shorter pipes together and then take it to a station downtown. I do this and it is a bit of an Odyssey getting it down to the place with various adventures. When I get there I can't find where to take it look everywhere till an kindly old lady says: "they finished that last week dear." 12P 21

Physicals

Sensorium

Feel dizzy. Its a swimmy, dizzy feeling, hard to focus. I have had this before, tends to come out in acute situations. 01P 06

Sit at computer to write this etc. and feel really dizzy again. It seems to be concentrating on the screen that's making me feel dizzy now. Dizziness is better when I get up and wander around and worse when I sit down again and look at the computer. 01P 28

Suddenly came over very weak, wobbly, nauseous and faint. Would not expect this to happen while happily busying about. Felt very shaky, cold sweat, and like I desperately needed a sugar fix, the quickest thing I could eat was crisps but they didn't seem to help much. 02P

Just had strange dizzy brief moment where felt like brain was pushed to the left inside my head like an old type writer movement when you reach the end of the line. 02P 05

Nausea which feels like motion sickness, yet I am lying down. It' a bit like spinning. 06P 07

Dizzy vertigo feeling on way to school whilst walking. 11P 24 XX:XX

Head

During making of remedy (during last few potencies) started to feel a prickling sensation in head, scalp and on face and back of neck. Lasted after taking remedy into evening. 01P 01 18.00 NS

Slight headache in left side of forehead. Pressing in a bove eyebrow. It is better when I lie on it 01P 01 19.30 NS

Headache is still there: its a feeling of heaviness pushing down over left eyebrow pushing eye closed. Really want to close my eyes despite lecture being really interesting. Heaviness over my brows, < l. 01P 02 11.45 Feeling in top of head, the prickling is there again this morning. It's inside my scalp, on the top of my brain. I've only felt this sensation before momentarily on orgasm and in a particular period some years ago on smoking cannabis. This has been there all morning and is really intense now. The feeling is outward; its as if there's intense activity in the top of my brain: a bit like a very active flickering circuit board. It's around the top of my head but now that I'm really concentrating on it, it is also in my cheeks. It's cold. 01P 04 10.00 NS

Still have the strange sensation in the top of my head. It feels as if there's lots of energy leaving the surface, that's why it feels cold, because the energy is being used on the surface. The exact location on the surface of the brain changes according to what I'm focussing on. It really is as if I'm feeling the nervous electrical activity in the brain as a physical sensation: all the nerve endings are stimulated and hence the prickly sensation (like the hairs standing up on your arms in fear). Actually the word tingling is a better word then prickling. 01P 07

Have very itchy scalp. I keep thinking (over last few days) that I must have head lice. My very susceptible son has got them again. But I keep checking myself and have checked again this morning and there's nothing. This morning its particularly strong: a crawly feeling on my scalp, just like when I've had lice. 01P 26

Put a hat on and notice that tingling in my scalp quickly reduces. Back at home, take hat off and tingling is intense again! 01P 28

Strange sensation as if brain split down middle being teased apart, pulled very gently by some external force with a marked feeling of pressure changing in both hemispheres as it was happening. Not at all a painful sensation. Can feel both sides functioning simultaneously. 03P 08

Scalp seemed unusually pink. 03P 09

Woke up scratching head all over. Couldn't stop scratching. 03P 16

Whole brain felt as if it was being split down the middle and pulled apart by an unseen force. Not painful more a pulling cotton wool feeling. 03P 25

Sudden stabbing pain in head right temple area. 03P 33

Localised pressing sensation on right mastoid process. Vague feeling of this pressing sensation extending to other parts of the skull at the back. 04P 02

Intense and sudden piercing stabbing pain, like one stab that remains, in temple area just above right ear. 04P 08

Headache spreading over whole head, moving towards forehead and face. Tension. 04P 16

Headache, clamping sensation, relieved by pressure 05P 03

I am stroking my hair constantly from my forehead over the top of my head. It feels reassuring like grooming. 06P 04

I can't stop itching my head. This is the itchiest it's ever been! Have caught head lice off my friend' kids and I haven't had lice since I was little. The fuckers have bitten all round the back of my neck; it's driving me potty. 06P

A mini brain spasm, like a recalculation, with a slight jerk in the neck. 07P 04

Slightly itchy behind ears 07P 05

Heavy feeling in head and eyes. I bend my head down and close my eyes. Then my neck stretches as my head feels lighter. 08P 01

My head wants to turn from left to right and back, continually. My neck turns easily, no stiffness as there often is. 08P 01

Have a steady headache at the top of my head, however I still feel confident and in control. 09P 03

A prickling sensation at the back of my head as if the hairs are standing up. 09P 06

A left sided headache, just above my left eye, with neck pain. 09P

Headache at the front of my head. A dull throbbing sensation 09P 22

Headache; the centre of the pain is directly behind the bridge of my nose and there is a clamp being tightened around my head, tighter and tighter. Each 'throb' is another turning of the vice. 09P 27

Awful headaches now on the left back of head, its like its all bruised and sore. 10P 00

Headache, sensation as head is full, predominantly over left side, desire to cover eye, < morning. 10P02

Massive bursting headache. 10P 03

My head is throbbing and pulsating, very sensitive to noise, keep thinking the phone is ringing. 10P 19

Sensation or delusion that the skin of my scalp is paper thin. It is itchy but it feels as if the skin is separated from the skull, as if an enormous blister is lifting it from the skull. The skin feels very fragile as if it could disintegrate very easily. Would like to scratch it but have an image of it tearing. 12P 00

Partner thinks that the hair along my hairline is growing in and fuller. 12P 09

Sight and eyes

When I opened my eyes to try to write this down I can't focus my eyes for minute or two. On turning on my computer the screen appears really blurred. I can't focus my eyes properly. 01P 04

My eyesight seemed to get worse during the proving and this stayed for months but has gradually improved again though still worse than before the proving. I'd been prescribed glasses for reading many years ago but have never used them. I did start using them for reading (only) during the proving. I need them more at night/ in poor light and can manage in good light. This has lasted long after the proving. 01P 00

Eyes not focusing with reading glasses normally worn for computer screen. I have had to use much stronger ones all day. 03P 09

Woke up scratching at eyes which were unbearably itchy. No relief from scratching them. Eyes unbearably itchy all day. 03P 22

Face of lecturer starts morphing as he is talking. Try to see what it is morphing into but keeps moving in and out of focus. Made me giddy, as if putting on the wrong glasses. 04P 02

Itchy around eyes. Compulsion to rub in one direction repetitively along the crevice between bone of left eyebrow and eyeball. Feels really satisfying. 04P 17

Noticed sty under right eye. Noticed it gone on day 20. 05P 08

My eyesight has got much worse. I used to sometimes forget my glasses on leaving the house, because I didn't need them. Now I have to put them on to do my hair in the mirror. 07P 00

Eyesight seems sharper.

Eyes seem awake, though I'm probably tired. 07P 01

Keep finding human hairs everywhere, Sensation of hair in left eye. 07P 02

Woke up with a sticky, watery right eye. 09P 20

My eyes still feel heavy and big as if vision is slightly different, more to the side. 10P 20

Hearing & Ears

The pipe work in our bedroom is very noisy. Keeps me awake for while but then sleep. 01P 01 24.00 NS

Today is so noisy in my peaceful little village. Everybody is hammering or drilling or strimming or delivering something and its all very loud, even my neighbours children seem very loud. I don't really mind its more just that I'm noticing. Even the aeroplanes seem louder than normal. 01P 04

Pain in left ear as though there's something stuck in there, congested feeling. 02P 05

Became aware that r. ear is throbbing not loudly but sounds as if I can hear the blood being squeezed through veins in time with my heartbeat. A squishy buzzing sound. It came again over the next few days. 03P 19

Right ear started with slightly different sound more a rushing sound. Like rushing water. 03P 23

Normal sounds in rest of the house rattling around in my head like a pea in a can and echoing. 03P 26

Pressing sensation on mastoid process of right ear. Starts to extend to crease between ear and skull. I think it's my hair so I pull it away but the sensation is still there. Sensation starts extending to whole of the pinna. Feels numb when I touch it. Have a fancy that my ears are getting bigger and longer at the points. 04P 07

Pulsating sensation in right eardrum, on and off throughout evening. Less strong and frequent in left eardrum. 04P 08

Left ear feels stopped at ear drum. Doesn't impair hearing. Intermittent aching inside left ear. 04P 09

Itching inside both ears, better for boring finger in. 07P 23

Tinnitus in right ear has returned. Can't be sure it had gone all the time, but it was definitely not an issue for me whereas I am normally aware of it 08P 34 XX:XX CS

I notice that sounds are more acute. The radio is on or the washing machine and suddenly in another room I will momentarily hear part of the sound, as if an extract of the noise. Makes me turn around to see what is there and then I realise it is the radio or washing machine etc. It feels strange, 11P 17

Smell & Nose

Smell of the grass very strong. Senses feel bombarded. 01P 04

For about 8 years I have suffered chronic cold symptoms. A cold that never quite goes away with sore throat and swelling of the glands up to my ears. Its usually better in the summer and flares up in the autumn and stays all winter. Usually its worse on waking and often symptoms have cleared by about 10am. Its also much worse for dust. In fact, with good homeopathy it has started to look more like a dust allergy and I think that's probably what it is. Housework, even in the summer leaves me snuffly and with sore itchy eyes and a sore throat. All of these symptoms were very much reduced until day 10. From day 10 to 31 day it crops up occasionally but relatively mildly ( and comes and goes. On day 31 the symptoms came back very strongly and slowly faded over the next several days. Then they disappeared again and I have been virtually free of them ever since (writing this 8 weeks after proving started). 01P 00 XX:XX CS

Strange acrid smell in nostrils. 03P 05

Sticky, slightly yellow catarrh from nose. 04P 07

Blocked, stuffy nose. Soon clears as runny phlegm passes down my throat. 04P 09 09.30 NS

Violent sneezing, uncontrollable. 05P 03

Very watery running nose, dripping, with great itching 05P 03

Sensation of tiny bogey in right nostril. 07P 02

Sensitive to smell of toilet. 07P 02

I notice fumes from the main roads. Smells are very acute. 11P 04

Awoke with intense itch in left nostril. 11P 11

Face

Son commented that I appeared to have a grey ring around my mouth and chin. 03P 04

Face bright red and a horseshoe shaped rash appeared around right side of the mouth. Very much like a German Measles rash. 03P 22

Pain at top of nose, bruised, as though punched in face. Surprised to look in mirror and not see bruise. This pain got worse until for 3 days. 05P 03

My face looks yellow in the mirror. 07P 03

Diagonal red mark/blemish on right cheek. 07P 14

Dry hot cheeks, flushed, feverish, from exposure to cold, better after a bath and sleep. 07P 30

I've got a rash around my mouth. 10P 08

Teeth and Gums

Gums bled when brushing my teeth. 09P 09

I am clenching my teeth harder. My front teeth top and bottom are painful in the morning and feel loose. I also notice that my top front teeth feel as if they have moved and now are protruding slightly. 11P 11

Taste and Tongue

Woke up with really sore tongue, think I may have been chewing it overnight. 03P 03

Metal taste in mouth, metal sensation, cold, especially when breathing through my mouth. Reminds me of copper. 08P 20

Throughout the proving everything tasted salty. Made a risotto without adding salt and could barely eat it as it was so salty. Everyone else said it tasted fine. Continued months after the 12P 00

Inner Mouth

Soreness on back of roof of mouth moving to left side. Better for swallowing phlegm. 04P 11

Throat

Back of throat, dry on roof of mouth. Drinking water makes it go away. 04P 09

Sensation of a bit of something, like a small nail clipping, back of throat, left side. Sensation sometimes renewed on swallowing. With accompanying aching, possibly on both sides but I seem to focus on left side more. 04P 11

Sensation of hair at back of throat, left side, intermittently throughout day. 04P 12

Hair in throat feeling that is making me cough. 06P 02

Tickly throat as if there is a little feather in my larynx. 06P 02

Post nasal drip has returned (which means it had gone for some days). It is different in that it feels very stringy, ropy, difficult to swallow away. 08P 05

Woke up with tight sore throat and mild catarrh in my left nostril. 09P 11

A tight throat and sore glands in my throat. Swallowing is painful, like there is something constricting around my throat. 09P 22

Appetite, Thirst & Desires

Realized I was really hungry and wanted to eat to combat feeling slightly sick. Like on a boat, motion, flopping about from side to side. 02P 01

Couldn't drink the coffee I ordered which was unusual. Smelled/tasted wrong, body said no. Tasted too milky too creamy, it smelled, tasted wrong, artificial, something missing. 02P 01

Really enjoyed eating, really wanted to consume because I felt so empty! Headache that I'd had all day went whilst eating. 02P 01

Very unusually couldn't eat the whole of a lovely meal prepared for me by my eldest son. Had to go to bed feeling bloated and full. 03P 08

Comment to my partner while having supper that I haven't been desiring any salt recently. Usually desire lots of salt and have to control myself with how much I use. This lack of a strong desire for salt has continued and it is now approximately 5 weeks after end of proving. 04P 00

Could not drink glass of wine, poured it away, 2 evenings running - very unusual. 05P 08

Eating more savoury things than usual. 07P 00

Feel hungry but repulsed by food. 07P 01

Savoury food tastes bland, much prefer sweet. 07P 02

Eat meat. 07P 11

Wake thirsty, meal was salty. 07P 13

More thirsty today. 07P 36

Craving ham or egg sandwich, usually I'm vegetarian but do eat fish, I have eaten more meat recently, generally eaten more and been more physically lazy. 07P 36

Ravenous hunger when I wake up; I am often hungry in the morning, but it is much, much worse. 08P 02

I like the sensation of being hungry, not even hungry its empty. 10P 05

I have been feeling hungry but empty but I like this feeling, until I feel faint then I think I had better eat out of duty, eat out of necessity, I like this feeling of hunger. 10P 06

Hiccough, Belching, Nausea & Vomiting

When I lay down on the sofa at bedtime I felt nausea as if the room was swinging. 06P 04

Am feeling queasy and nauseous. 09P 14

Nausea worse for food. 10P 07

Abdomen

Woke to the sound of rain. And then a pain came on suddenly in my lower abdomen, at first across the whole lower abdomen but then focussed on the right hand side next to my hip bone. It was quite an intense cramping pain. Judging by the position of the pain I thought that it was probably related to the large intestine and sure enough I passed some flatulence which eventually relieved it after about 15mins. It was the intensity and fleeting quality that was unusual. 01P 12

Itching around navel lasted through most of the proving. 03P 00

Area all around navel intensely itchy. 03P 02

Stabbing throbbing pain at front centre of pelvis, slightly to the right. 07P 04

I am feeling a tightness in my lower abdomen and am aware of a mild discomfort. 09P 13

Skin itching around solar plexus. 10P 03

My left side kidney region hurts. 10P 17

Digestion feels unsettled, bloated, pain in lower abdomen, slight pain in epigastric region. Have not had this for a long time. 11P 01

Rectum & Stool

Seem to be pooing more often than usual (and therefore more quantity in day). 01P 04

Stool like sheep' hard and small. 05P 02

Long fart like a pooooof, musty, unashamed. 07P 02

Small hard stools like little golf balls. 07P 07

Stool dry hard balls, straining to get them out. 08P 07

Mildly loose stools, not usual for me. 09P 04

Diarrhoea and cramps in my lower abdomen. 09P 18

Constipated with sore anus. 10P 05

My arse is still sore makes me want to clench it. 10P 06

My arse began to feel as if I had a massive boil just inside it, really uncomfortable. 10P 08

I realise that I am constipated, I have not passed stool for a few days, it feels that my bowels have come to a complete halt. 11P 19

Urinary Organs

Organs Frequency of urination is unchanged but when I do have to go it is sudden and urgent. 12P 00

Male Sexual Organs

Erections have been more often and stronger. 12P 09

Female Sexual Organs

Period has come on with no premenstrual symptoms and have none of the usual mental symptoms associated with onset of period. 01P 04

My period came and went this week without any symptoms (except fleeting mild period pain): easiest menstruation I can remember. 01P 07

Surprised I started period which I hadn't sensed coming at all whereas usually I would. 02P 02

Usually I have a bad first couple of days to my period but today was fine and I achieved lots of physical things with out cramps. 06P 04

Ache in left ovary whilst menstruating, and top of left thigh. 07P 13

Period has early started, 19 days after previous one, normally much later. Period pains, discomfort, tender abdomen; I do not normally have period pains. 08P 06

Period pains in abdomen, drawing pain as if the internal tissues are drawn inwards. I want something sturdy, that I can hold onto something that stays in one place, that I can lean against. 08P 07

Sudden desire for sex after more than a month of no desire whatsoever. 08P 20

Feeling quite full and tight in my uterus area. It is uncomfortable and I am worried that it will become painful. 09P 05

Menses early, painless, slow. 11P 00

Respiration

Left college with a colleague who was staying with me in her car, leaving mine behind. Felt very disorientated and 'woozy'. Was sticking my head out of the window because I needed the air. 02P 01

Feeling a bit oppressed on my chest tonight as I am lying down. It is as if there is something heavy resting on my chest, and breathing is difficult. Not painful 09P 05

Cough

Coughing up phlegm, lumpy, grey. 03P 09

Coughing. Loose.

After a while small amount of thin catarrh comes up. 04P 34

Inner Chest & Lungs

Started coughing a bit chesty with phlegm. Chest feels tight. 03P 05

Sharp, violent pain inferior to ribs, right hand side for few seconds. Wakes me suddenly from half sleep and cry out with pain. 04P 11 07.30 NS

Very strange sensation in right side of chest, a vibration like very rapid palpitations, several times. 05P 37

Stitching sharp pain on right side under ribs like a needle has been pierced deep into my side. Better for holding it tight and carefully drawing deep breaths which hurts but seems to release it. 11P 22

Heart, Pulse & Circulation

On falling asleep, single palpitation of heart. 07P 06

Empty explosion in heart, feel breathless, breathe into it, pleasant sensation. 07P 06

On falling asleep, tiny empty explosions in heart, feels good, sleep. 07P 11

Tight restricting pain around my heart and within my chest behind my heart. Difficult to inhale as this makes the pains worse, shooting pains which cause me to have to crunch forward to alleviate them. It is not tender to the touch, but I am worried. 09P 08

Outer Chest

Notice a small red mark on my right breast whilst in shower about 1cm x 0.5cm, rash like and slightly raised. Can't think of anything that caused it. 01P 02 08.15 NS

Sudden sharp penetrating pain in left breast. 03P 32

Had a breast lump and tingling and tightening sensations and a sore throbbing pain. The knowledge that there might be something wrong with my breast is plaguing. I am still compulsively checking to see if I can feel anything. 09P 00

Painful when I touch my right lower ribcage. It is tender and sore in one part, between the ribs, as if I have been prodded hard with something leaving a bruised spot. 09P 02

As I am lying in bed, I felt a strange sensation in my right breast akin to the 'let-down' sensation of breast-feeding. It is a filling/tightening sensation and I feel that there is some change in my breast as I examine it. It feels fuller and lumpier. 09P 08

I have been feeling a tightness in the area directly above my right breast. 09P 14

I have extremely itchy armpits. I can't stop itching them. Scratching them eventually makes the itch subside but I know that the itch is still there and will be there tomorrow. 09P 30

Lay in the bath breasts very sore thought to my self they feel like two huge udders. 10P 30

Neck & Back

I have a pain in my neck: right at the very top of my spine, which I think is from yoga. The irony is that we were working very slowly and thoughtfully on alignment of the spine and the importance of not over stretching it! But I think I've pulled something! It hurts as I make certain movements. 01P 26

My neck pain has eased slightly but hurts when I make a very particular movement of extending my neck forward: craning my neck. The movement reminds me of the alert animal craning its neck when its heard a sound to look for danger. 01P 26

Neck very sore, especially on the right as though I've got it wet then in a draft. 02P 04

Wake feeling very achy in middle of back on the r. hand side below the ribcage. The location is unusual for me as well as the sensation. It feels bruised, stiff and sore like I've been still too long and have compressed it by lying on it. I want to be able to massage it out but can't really reach it. Think it would be better for going swimming and by being able to move a bout in the water differently that that would soothe it. 02P 07

Neck ache, stiff, tight, restricting. 05P 03

Tension on root of neck, right side. 06P 02

Tension in upper back. Better for stretching. Feels like it' pulling my shoulders forward. As if there is a weight on my back. My neck is lengthening forward and at 60°. 06P 02

Tension in upper back as if head is heavy. 06P 03

Hunched over, no strength in lower back. 07P 36

Lower back is aching right on my coccyx. Think I am going mad because I thought now I am growing a tail. Bottom of spine felt as though something was pushing through and extending. 10P 05

I feel a fluttery feeling in my right shoulder near end of my clavicle. It flutters for several minutes before dying down and then starts again a little while later. This continues on and off during the evening. It is not uncomfortable but does grab my attention. 11P 21

Head and neck very stiff, hard to move it around, need to move whole body. 12P 01

Stiffness of neck and headaches if I look at anything other than straight on. 12P 09

Upper Limbs

I have tingling numbness in left hand, < middle and index finger and at ends of fingers (beyond last joint), though there in all fingers and slightly in palm too. Pretty constant. Also feels that movement in hand is restricted; hand feels more comfortable slightly bent and it feels as if stretching it out and using it is going to be difficult when actually it isn't. The tingling in my hands swaps from right to left, then back again. Continues to switch every few hours or so. 01P 08

In class got strange prickly heat sensation, like a nettle rash between finger nail and end knuckle on left hand fore finger. In a very specific rectangular area, looks like a burn. Obviously red. > blowing on it. 02P 02

Sudden transient stabbing pain in right elbow. 03P 01

Back of both hands seemed to have developed lots of tiny freckles. 03P 02

Sharp pain in right wrist like I've sprained it. Feels like an injury, happened overnight, unknown cause. Ext. as an aching sensation up forearm. Ext. as a pain towards middle finger. Movement exacerbates pain.

Limit movement to avoid pain. 04P 13

Have burnt or injured left hand four times in last few days. 05P 17

Cut finger on right hand. Seem to be injuring my fingers/hands several times daily. 05P 27

Freckle on left forearm becomes itchy, raised, looks more like a mole, more small red spots form on left forearm. 07P 05

Notice small circle of psoriasis under left armpit, 1cm in diameter, red and dry, hurts when it rubs, sore, seems to have evolved from raised spot that looked like an insect bite. 07P 18

Peeling tips of all my fingers. 07P 51

Numb feeling in hands (thumbs). They feel heavy, as if they don't want to move or be moved, lifeless, as if there is no blood running through them. 08P 01

Elbows and finger joints sore and stiff. 11P 04

Lower Limbs

Sitting on bench on phone to Mum, ended cross legged. When got up to move legs don't quite work, stiff, stumble a bit.

Lasts first dozen steps and then OK again. 01P 04 10.30 NS

Knees hurt going upstairs. I had noticed this twice yesterday but hadn't written in down. Had history of knee problems which have been better for about 2 years. They now only hurt after night dancing or big hilly walk & this rarely. When they used to hurt all the time & now when they hurt the modality is always worse for going downstairs or downhill. 01P 05

After getting out of the shower I notice that my right knee isn't working properly. There's a slight dull pain down the left hand side of the knee cap (muscle or tendon) but the main thing is that it won't seem to support my weight properly and so I have to limp. This lasts at least 10 to 15 minutes. Tidying up after breakfast I squat down to wipe some marks off the cooker and feel that I can't get up again. I say to my daughter, "I can't get up" and she comes over and gives me a heave. My son says, "Its like your really old mum." That's how it felt! 01P 07 07.30

Sudden pain in left knee as depressed clutch at start of journey. Didn't last. that start of movement thing again. 01P 15

As we walked into town a strange cramp like sensation came on in right leg, below calf, felt very tight and painful. When sat eating dinner didn't notice it, so thought it had gone but as soon as got up and left to walk home noticed it was there again. Worse walking down hill, I wanted to stride out more like on the flat, to take nice big strides. 02P 01 20.00 NS

Whilst in bath fleeting cramp in left buttock. Cramp in right lower leg still very strong, and a little in left leg too. Hard to get out of bath cause legs don't feel like want to work. It feels like the tendons are trying to hang on. Can't stand on tip toes as where that action would stretch up the back of the legs is where it hurts. Almost feel like I'm having to waddle a bit like a penguin because my legs wont 02P 01

Fell down on path to house. Didn't hurt as much as I thought it might, even though legs went out from under me and fell hard on lower back. Felt like legs tried to hang on to the ground but failed. Like my legs slipped forward rather than me falling backwards. 02P 01

Just under ball of right foot suddenly really itchy. 03P 02

L. foot excruciatingly sore, sharp, lancing cold type of pain never felt pain like this but at the same time knew it wasn't a Dream: but wasn't really my pain at all. Went back to sleep. 03P 03 24.00 NS

Woke to sensation of tightening in left calf. 03P 05

Left calf aching as climbed stairs to go to bed 03P 07

Strange 'loose' feeling in left hip on getting out of bed. 03P 07

Left foot felt as if the skin was slithering off it. 03P 09

Strange sensation in right ankle as if joint slipped and rolling round as if lubricated with oil no friction whatsoever. 03P 13

Left ankle hurt, sudden stabbing pain didn't continue. 03P 14

Intense aching as if from pressing on a small circular bruise, side of left foot on the instep. 04P 03

Tiny pinching sensation in left side of calf muscle, right leg, changes to a bruised sensation, while walking to station. 04P 05

Half woken up by prickly sensation in crease of underside of right big toe.

Persistent and eventually wakes me up. 04P 06

Legs feel leaden when walking. Feel my buttocks and they feel hard and heavy, don't feel the right shape. 04P 06

Wake up with strong sensation of cold heat on both knees as I turn over onto my back. 04P 19

Sudden pain just below crease of right groin. Pulsating pain, localised to one spot. Intermittent throughout day. 04P 20

Desire to walk in bare feet to feel the cold on the undersides of my feet. Normally hate having cold feet. After breakfast walk out and stand on the grass. Feet feel firmly attached to the ground and can feel the cold rising through the soles. Feels right. 04P 38

Hot sensation in left knee. 05P 27

Tightness in calves and ankles. 06P 01

Tightness at the back of the ankles, Achilles, better for stretching and pointing my toe. 06P 02

Intense itching in right knee, better for scratching. 07P 14

Itching between toes. 07P 23

Left upper leg, feels very tired. The pain feels hot, aching, drawing, it comes and goes, wave-like, a bit like contractions: it gets worse and worse and worse and just as I think it can't get any worse, it goes, ebbs away. Just above the knee. I would want a hot water bottle against it. 08P 04

Intense itching on inner side of my left knee. Had to scratch hard for about 5 minutes to get relief. 09P 01

Woke up to an extremely itchy big toe on right foot, as if I have been bitten. 09P 07

I have a maddeningly itchy right big toe. It is awful and I have to scratch it so hard I rub the toe hard on the carpet to get friction working, so much so that the heat burns my toe. 09P 26

Feeling something inside my legs, a tingling aching. 10P 06

Ankles and feet feel very stiff on getting out of bed. 11P 04

After sitting on a chair for 15 mins, when I get up I have pins and needles in my bottom and icy cold legs and feet. 11P 17

My feet become very sore and ache after only a short time of standing up. Relieved by lying down with them slightly elevated. 11P 20

Limbs in General

Itching inside left elbow and inside left knee. 07P 27

Rest, Position & Motion

Really strong need to stretch my body, outwards and lengthwise. Legs outstretched and together, arms backwards and over my head, clasping hands. The stretch holds me rigid until complete. 09P 02

During meditation found I was swaying backwards and forwards, somehow different from rocking. 12P 01

Sleep

Wake up early and can't get back to sleep. Have really strong urge to get up and go for walk. Unlike me: I'm not a morning person usually! 01P 02 06.20 NS

Went to bed and slept very quickly. Feel as if I've not been asleep long when wake with sudden image of a dinosaur with a long neck eating from a tree. Quickly fall asleep again and sleep deeply. 01P 02 24.00

Extreme tiredness after lunch. Start to pick up about 4pm when go outside for a while. 01P 03

Feel really tired so decide to try to sleep for half an hour. Choose to stay outside and find comfy warm place on kids trampoline relax but don't sleep. 01P 04 14.30 NS

Slept really deeply, no Dream:s. Easier to wake up and get up than usual. Wake up still tired but more immediately awake again than usually in mornings (usually not a morning person, takes ages to really 'come round' in the mornings) Today I feel awake and ready for the day even though I'm still a bit tired. I feel glad to be awake and glad to be alive! 01P 04

Go on long walk with dog. Feel like I need a sleep after it. Just want to lie in the sunshine with the 02P 05

Really tired but it's too early to got to bed! 02P 06

Woke with a jump through whole body. Felt as if I'd fallen off a step, that is not a far distance at all, but was very shocked. 02P 06

Woke in the night again a few times and enjoyed noticing I still had plenty of sleep time left! It is odd for me to wake in the night I usually sleep right through. 02P 10

Waking up repeatedly, maybe 5 or 6 times. Very sudden, almost as if I wake up and my eyes open wide but it's more like my mind opening wide 04P 02

Woke up suddenly at exactly 04:44 several times. 05P 00

I hit my wife 4 times in my sleep. 05P 03

I have slept badly for about a week. Got about 2 hours sleep tonight. Restless physically and mentally with abdominal (wind) pains. 05P 25

Alertness, couldn't sleep even though I am exhausted. 06P 01

Difficult falling asleep, feel very much awake, full of life, feel like laughing and making fun all night. Difficult to switch over to falling asleep. 08P 01

A restless night with many wake-ups. 09P 07

Awake every couple of hours. 11P 03

Partner says I am sleeping more deeply. Not snoring so much. 12P 00

Generals

I seem to be experiencing more symptoms in the mornings. The frequency and intensity wears off as each day progresses. 01P 00

Tea break. Want to move around, particularly want to stretch out, flap arms, swing legs, stretch legs out. Can't keep still. 01P 02 16.15 NS

Can't get comfortable at all, very fidgety. Every little ridge or bump on the cushion seems exaggerated and sticks into me. Feel like the Princess and the pea. My clothes feel uncomfortable in a similar way.

They're really sticking into me and irritating me e.g. Seams, bra strap. 01P 04

Get strong static electric shock as get off trampoline. Another 1 when sit on chair in kitchen to write 01P 04

Leave friends house and walk home, really aware of heightened senses again. Hearing and sight more acute particularly. Aware of all the noises around me, every bird, every noise e.g. someone hammering somewhere in village. Sense of sound is very directional, notice where its coming from. Notice small movements, colours seem very intense. Also smell intensified. Notice smell of coconut (from shampoo) in bathroom. 01P 04

Feeling very tired suddenly, physically too: limbs feel weak and wobbly. 01P 06 14.30

Clumsy and uncoordinated today. Bump into washing line, drop crisps on floor. Burn myself on the handle of a pan when I'm cooking. 01P 06

I notice again in yoga a particular stiffness when I try to move from squat position to standing. I've noticed this a few times now. Otherwise it feels great to stretch and I particularly enjoy yoga tonight. 01P 11

Was being very clumsy, knocking things over. 02P 01

Wake up with body feeling really heavy and slumped. Lie there feeling the weight, feels as if it would never move. 04P 06

Sitting is very uncomfortable I want to move. 06P 03

Restless right hand side, legs and hands, better for shaking pen and leg. 07P 02

Extremely tired; legs, arms, head, eyes are all exhausted. I can't get up and stay in bed. 08P 15

Feels good to stretch out and back with pressure on the back of my neck 10P 05

Evening, just absolutely done in, knackered. 10P 10

Temperature and Weather

Moving about to stay in the sun whilst on laptop as want to feel it's warmth on me. 02P 04

Felt like I had a chill right through and feet felt like they were the weak spots, I'm wearing really thick socks. 02P05

I want to be outside but it is cold. Desire to be outside but I feel the cold. 08P 03

Desire to be in the sun: have moved into position so my leg is in the sun. The need to be in the sun is so great that I do not mind being in a position where I can barely type and I can hardly see on the screen because of the sunlight. 08P 04

Real need to be warm and held. I am so warm that I sweat, but I don't want to be cooler. 08P 05

Feel cold all day: want to be in warm sunshine, with a blanket around me. Worsened from wanting warmth on painful leg. 08P 05

I still feel affected by heat, and am struggling to maintain a good temperature. I am finding the central heating stifling and oppressive. 09P 13

Skin

Woke up itching all over, scratched and scratched until finally went back to sleep. This itching persisted on and off for several days. 03P 17

I have a very itchy body, keeping me from going to sleep. 06P 15

Insect bite on left side of neck and on right shoulder blade. Both insect bites are itchy, raised and red. 07P 25

The scar tissue on the forefinger of my right hand is sore and enlarged. 09P 15

ltching of skin especially on scalp and nose. 11P 00

When I have been sitting for a long time in one position I have an imprint of the crease from my clothes on my skin, it forms a deep crease which itches intensely and takes a couple of hours to go away. I usually experience this when wearing jeans on long car journeys. Last night I had it at night from lying in bed from creases of bedclothes. 11P 09

Perspiration

I've started wearing deodorant. 07P 31

Very smelly sweat under arms, not much sweat but really smelly. 08P 02

Sensations

Sensation as if a little insect is crawling onto my left calf. Then one on my right calf. Then one on left upper leg,

then one on my heel and one in my neck. Like individual insects (lice or flees, or smaller): they don't bite, they walk or creep. 08P 03

Have noticed when lying on my back that it feels as if the bed tilts down to the right and I feel that I am sliding off it, perhaps into space. Has happened several times on different beds. 12P 21

 

 

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