Meles Meles = Badger
https://www.homeopathyschool.com/the-school/provings/badger/
Vergleich: All-u. (= Hexenzwiefel/= Daslook/= Bärlauch/= All-s-ähnlich Asparagales.). Siehe: Mammalia
Badger. Considered the littlest of the Bear family, but very tough and
dangerous. Badger is the only animal that will attack a Grizzly Bear. Medicines
that make the digestate go downwards in the GI tract, and that look like
badgers or people: yellow dock root, rhubarb, goldenseal, American ginseng.
Strengthens the autonomic nervous system to create a 'powerful stomach.'
Aggressiveness
Badger is vicious, and attacks with powerful aggression. Badger is quick
to anger and quicker to pounce. The power of Badger's medicine is
aggressiveness and the willingness to fight for what it wants. The very thought
of facing Badger makes other animals run for cover. Like Skunk, Badger's
reputation precedes it. Its hissing fangs will tear less aggressive opponents
to shreds.
Badger is the medicine of many powerful medicine women, for Badger is
also the keeper of the medicine roots. Badger sees all the roots of Mother
Earth's healing herbs hanging in its burrow home. These roots are a key to
aggressive healing. Roots can ground negative energy into the Earth by allowing
illness to pass through a body into the ground as neutral energy. Badger
medicine people are quick to act in a crisis, and they do not panic.
If Badger medicine is part of your medicine, you are quick to express
your feelings, and you do not care what the consequences are. Badger people
oftentimes insist on carrying the ball for the touchdown. This attitude,
however, does not endear them to their teammates.
Badger medicine may also point to the aggressive healer who will have
the courage to use unconventional means to exact a cure. Like the mother who
sits for days nursing
a child with high fever, Badge is willing to persist. Badger people can
be vicious gossips, or may exhibit a chip on the should, if they are out of
balance. You can be sure
that people with Badger medicine will be aggressive enough to make it to
the tops of their chosen fields, because they do not give up. They are also the
finest healers,
because they will use any and all methods to ensure healing, and will
not give up on the critically ill.
A Badger person is often the boss, and the one what everyone fears. That
same boss will surely keep any company afloat. Badger gets the job
accomplished.
Badger is certainty is a source of strength.
If Badger has pushed its way into your cards today, it may be telling
you that you have been too meek in trying to reach some goal. Badger asks you
how long are you willing to sit and wait for the world to deliver your silver
spoon.
In this medicine, the key is to become aggressive enough to do something
about your present state of affairs. Badger is teaching you to get angry in a
creative way and say,
"I won't take it any more." You must follow-up by keeping your
eye on the goal. Honor the healing process as you express those inner feelings.
Be aggressive, but do not cut others to ribbons on the way-that is too
much aggression. use your anger to stop your lolling around, so that your
doldrums of apathy are a thing of the past. Badger is powerful medicine when
properly used for self-improvement.
Remember that Badger may be signalling a time when you can use your
healing abilities to push ahead in life. Heal yourself by aggressively removing
the barriers that do not grow corn. Cut away the dead wood and use Badger's
aggression to seek new levels of expression. Use Badger's medicine roots to
keep grounded and centered in the process.
Contrary
Oops! Here comes Badger upside-down and fuming! This could mean that you
are being chewed out by someone else, or that you have expressed your anger in
an unhealthy way. If this applies to you, remember that all anger stems from
anger towards the self. It is an anger of helplessness that is misdirected
towards others. If you are angry at a
co-worker for telling the boss that you were looking for another job,
you are really angry at yourself for not keeping your own secret. If you are
angry at your children for disobeying, it is usually anger that stems from fear
for the children's well-being. This self-anger condition is usually present
when you have "silly accidents," falls, cuts and scrapes, or when you
find yourself bumping into furniture.
Badger in the contrary position can issue in a time of reflection on
what you feel helpless about. Is it your lack of aggressiveness or initiative?
Is it your fear of being blasted
or belittled if you present a new idea? Maybe it is a time when you need
to get in touch with your own jealousy or envy of others who are willing to put
themselves on top through hard work.
In the reverse, Badger teaches you the pitfalls of shyness and
insecurity as well as of misused or vicious aggression. Go to your feelings -
maybe you just need to let off steam. If so, scream into a pillow and then
punch it a few times. It will surely put Badger back into balance. Badger can
be difficult medicine, and learning to use it properly is a rare gift.
In another context, contrary Badger could be calling you to use herbs
and roots to heal your body. Badger reversed may also be putting you on notice
to be aware of those areas of your life that need the input of someone else's
aggressive creativity to spark your own.
In any case, contrary Badger speaks of a need for more aggressive action
in life. No more inactivity can prevail without creating pain of some kind.
Overview
Badger is a quick and aggressive animal which will fight ferociously for
what it wants. It lives in burrows and feeds of the roots of plants. As a power
animal, Badger teaches the need to fight for your rights and to defend your
principles against any attack.
Badger emphasizes that you should take the initiative in any difficult
situation, and not just accept it meekly. If the problem is an emotional one, Badger
encourages you not
to keep your feelings bottled up inside but to let off steam. Have a
good cry. Blow your top. You will feel better afterwards.
Badger is helpful in healing and harmonizing, encouraging you to look
for unconventional means if necessary to affect a cure or result. Roots and
herbs can help to restore your health. If the problem lies in a work situation,
or is one concerning human relationships, the solution can be found at the
roots. Take charge of your life. Go for it. Trust your abilities.
Source: Sams, Jamie and Carson, David.
[Misha Norland/Peter Fraser]
We settled on the Badger as an animal who in some way is seen to be
particularly evocative of the English countryside ands in some way of the
English character. Badger in “The Wind in The Willows” sums up these qualities
as grumpy and averse to company, a curmudgeon, but also loyal and kindly and
fiercely defensive of his friends and of tradition and historical values. Thus
the badge r has qualities that go beyond its actual nature. These metaphorical
qualities are often indicative that the substance will make an important
remedy.
Badgers have also been implicated in and blamed for the widespread
presence of bovine tuberculosis in the UK. This has resulted in proposed culls
to exterminate badgers in certain areas.
There is undoubtedly a correlation between the infection rates in
badgers and in cattle but there is no real evidence that the badgers infect the
cattle. Given behaviour patterns and the nature of modern cattle husbandry it
is more likely that badgers are being infected by cattle than vice a versa. The
proving, surprisingly, revealed very little of a tubercular nature. The
persecution that has come out of the tuberculosis crisis in farming has more of
a resonance to a long and, unfortunately continuing, history of badger digging,
badger baiting and general persecution. This feeling was to be found in the
proving. The badger cubs are extremely playful and invent complicated ways of
playing and enjoying themselves.
The adults are extremely stubborn and tenacious and do not give up. This
is one of the reasons that they are so desirable as "sporting"
animals, they will fight until the end and never give up.
The badger is a member of the Mustelidae, the family that includes weasels,
stoats and otters. Various subspecies are found in a band that stretches from
almost the whole west coast of Europe across Europe, Russia and Asia to the
east coast of China. The subspecies used for the remedy, Meles meles meles is
that which is found throughout Western Europe, except for the Iberian
peninsular.
Badgers live in setts, networks of tunnels and chambers that they dig in
the earth. These setts can be hundreds of years old and can be extensive and
deep. They are extremely territorial and again these territories can have been
established many hundred or even thousands of years ago and been walked and
marked every night by generations of badgers stretching back to long before the
Romans or the Saxon the word 'spineless' in the dictionary: 'Spineless: lacking
resolution; lacking energy'. She said it wasn't what she'd expected and I
immediately think, "that's exactly what this remedy is: lacking
resolution; lacking energy."
Thinking about this now I look it up in the dictionary and don't find
lacking energy but also find 'lacking purpose'. Its how I've now started to
feel about the last month and about the way I've been.
For the 1st 31/2 weeks I just enjoyed the lack of worry and hadn't even
realised that I wasn't worrying. 01P 32
Meeting has potentially disastrous consequences; despite difficulties I
remained totally unemotional. 03P 08
Had a feeling all day of nothing matters, nothing is worth bothering
about. Void of emotion. 03P 09
Speak to supervisor and she asks me to include some emotional stuff I've
been feeling. Sort of went blank when she said that. I feel as if I'm on a
holiday from my emotions; observing myself takes me a bit away from myself
which is a nice feeling. 04P 08
Difficulty planning, organising. When doing shopping, I leave the
children to finding ingredients for a cake we want to make. Can't really plan
any shopping anyway, so I am glad my younger son takes initiative. 08P 04
I feel relaxed, tired, don't get so uptight about things, just 'go with
the flow', altered from my non-fluent walking movement. Not very organised.
Don't get an awful lot done, but it seems to be just the most important things
that I do. 08P 04
Sharing tasks, responsibilities: I leave younger son to organise the
cake while I organise food for supper and the kitchen in general. Have never
left him as much to his own devices; result was brilliant: cake and supper and
kitchen were all done, I wasn't exhausted. 08P 04
Lack of interest: just can't be bothered, don't care. Can't be bothered
about what we'll eat tonight, even though we have a guest which makes me
normally much more keen to 'get it right'. 08P 05
Animal Behaviour
Awake early again and with strong urge to get up again and go for walk.
Lie there longer to try to get more sleep but its not going to happen and I get
up. Outside its still quite dark this morning. There are all the sounds of a
new day. I hear it , feel it, look at it. Alertness again. Every sound makes me
turn my head to locate it. This must be what animals feel like: in and part of
nature and on the look out. I move but with stealth, aware of my own sounds.
Drawn to woods but not sure that's where I want to go yet.
As near woods my heart is racing and I can't get my breath. This is not
fear or on a mental level but racing on a physical level. I climb over style
into woods. Its pretty dark in here and I can't see much but enough to follow
the path to the field we were in last night. I walk fast and come to the field.
Climb the style but don't want to move into field. See a person in the distance
but don't want to be seen by her. She turns and calls a dog and walks back away
from me. Don't want to come across a dog. Feel very wary of the dog. Thought
I'd wanted to come to this field to look down on Stroud again but now I don't
want to go into the field and break from the cover of the woods. Go out
stealthily into the field but civilisation is too near and I go back to style
and edge of woods. 01P 03 06.20 NS
Sudden urge to lie down on floor and sprawl and roll around. 01P 03
12.00 NS
Home. Kids very excited to see me. Want to snuggle up to them and smell
them. 01P 03 20.00 NS
Intensification of senses. Cuddling my children feels just great. More
so than usual. Want to cuddle in and sniff them in and feel them close. 01P 04
Feature about meerkats. Talks about how they are family orientated and
cooperative with different roles: the baby sitter, the look out guard and how
all these things give it an anthropomorphic quality in the eyes of the public
but also how there's another side that's dark and aggressive. Really
interesting. I wonder whether this is the sort of animal we're proving. 01P 05
Irritated with the others in my group, almost a sense of competition.
Who is going to be top dog, a slight challenge of Social positioning. 06P 01
This evening I have been joking and wrestling and playing with the kids
at bedtime. 09P 29
Nature
Go for walk in grounds. Its just past dawn and already getting light.
Its so beautiful I fill up with tears. Why don't we care for it (the world)
more? I feel the great stillness of
it and yet my heart is beating fast.
I have a real sensation of alertness in the top of my head: hard to
describe. I stand still and watch everything, hearing noises, noticing the
birds flying overhead. Though I'm still and calm my heart beats fast.
I move on a bit and I see a deer, a stag, he's beautifully framed in an
arch of trees and he's watching me as I watch him. He's quite close and we both
stand absolutely still and watch each other.
We stay like this for what seems like ages but is probably only a minute
or 2. It occurs to me that he can't move whist I'm watching him like this so I
move forward slowly a few steps and remove my gaze from him.
He immediately runs and jumps over the fence into the woods. A bit further
on I see another deer, a doe this time a bit further away. She's seen me but is
not so bothered by me. She stops to look at something else she's seen. She's so
alert and still: it mirrors how I feel and I'm fascinated by her watching and
alert movement. After a while I head back to the garden and am drawn by the
spring I have to take a sip (although at the time I don't know that this is
safe water to drink) and splash my 01P 02 06.50 NS
One of group has lost her phone. Thinks she might have left it where
they sat and had picnic on their walk earlier through woods and she resolves
she wants to go and look for it (we really try to dissuade her: it seems mad,
its pitch black, through woods the phone's on silent etc.). She won't be
dissuaded and someone else from proving group says they'll go to. Have very
strong sudden urge to go as well and in the end 5 of us go with 1 little torch
through woods. Very surreal experience. We make our way through the woods in
the pitch black. Its not scary, feels euphoric to be out here.
Get to this field that looks down on Stroud and its bright lights. Feels
like we're looking down on other world. Needless to say we don't find phone but
we get back safely and its been a real adventure. 01P 02 21.00 NS
Went into Birmingham City Centre today. Not used to all the crowds and
noise, have quite a strong sensation that I just want to get out of it. All the
noise and hubbub very overstimulating. 01P 18
Joy of sitting by tree, there is a heightened feeling of oneness. 06P 02
I am observing sounds in the landscape in a more focused way. The
swaying of the grass lands. Observing little eco systems. Noticing the power of
large rock formations. 0P07
Visit an Arboretum. Whilst walking round we reach a type of clearing
filled with very tall old Pine trees and red Acers. I am struck by the beauty.
It looks like the edge of heaven. There is a mystical feel, as if this is the
doorway to another world. 11P 06
Driving back into London I feel incredibly sad to leave the countryside.
I feel sad, despair at having to live in 11P07
Outside & Open Air
Head for bed. Look out of window into valley. Sudden urge to be out
there. to go for walk but go to bed and sleep quickly. 01P 03 22.00 NS
Loving being outside and I'm doing as much as I can outside. Its a
beautiful day and this is not unusual for me but I really had a strong urge to
be outside all weekend even when it wasn't nice weather.
Its an urge that's intensified to how it would normally be. 01P 04
Had to go outside several times to breath fresh air, even in rain. Could
not stay in dining room for lunch, had to go outside twice to relieve
claustrophobia. It feels like there
is something angry in my abdomen that I want to rip out. 05P 34
Feel a real need to feel fresh air, instead of the warmth inside. I go
for a short walk in the woods. 08P 02
Feel a real need to go out into the woods, fresh air, sunshine. 08P 04
Instigated a group going out into the woods at night, hate to be inside.
10P 01
Strong desire to be out side in the woods and to sit near the window.
10P 01
Better for being outside. 10P 20
Sunset, Dawn & Morning
Energy levels swing during morning. 01P 03
I have a long standing tendency to be grumpy in the morning and I have
certainly been free of this last week. 01P 08
Rush to make tea so can get out for sunset, don't know where the time
went. 02P 04
Wake feeling ready for the day which is a surprise! It's dull again but
I don't feel so affected by it today as the weather has been very important.
02P 08
Early evening the sunset was quite beautiful this evening and really
unusual. The clouds looked like the sand on a damp beach where the ripples of
the sea have gently left their imprint. Instead of being a sandy colour the
whole of the sky was red. 03P 05
Territorial
Come into teaching room with all my bags from the weekend as we've had
to move out of our bedrooms. I'm the 1st one there and head for the seat I had
yesterday, it’ is
a comfy one. I put all my stuff (a lot of stuff) around it and then need
to leave the room and find myself thinking, had I better put a book or
something on the chair so people know its mine and then realise how ridiculous
this is, I'm marking my territory and I've already made it quite obvious by the
way I've arranged all my bags! 01P 03 09.00 NS
Husband has been snoring and I haven't been able to get to sleep. Having
been lying here for well over an hour now. Usual methods like prodding him etc.
haven't worked so finally say, "I can't sleep you're snoring". Bit of
an argument ensues when he says he's not snoring which ends up with him
stomping off to find another bed. The thoughts that go through my mind are that
he'd taken possession of the bed and of the sleep and made it his territory
without caring about me. 01P 04
In light of snoring last night he thinks he'll sleep spare bed again: he
doesn't want to have to move in middle of night. He thinks he will snore again
because has sore throat.
I don't want to sleep without him and persuade him that it'll be OK if I get a
head start on sleep I'll probably sleep through his snoring. My feeling is that
I really don't want to sleep alone. 01P 05
Felt as though I had been very selfish during proving. I had been
territorial and protective. 05P 57
I am walking up the mountain and do a wild wee. I notice that I am
leaving a bloodstain from my period. I am happy and satisfied that I am making
my mark on the landscape. It feels primal. 06P 06
Third time someone steals my chair, I'm jokingly angry, they say
"you weren't here", but I was here, I was asleep upstairs, indignant.
07P 03
I am shocked and disillusioned due to territorial behaviour on chairs
between classmates. 08P 03
I notice on the tube that I am sat next to a man who leans into my
personal space with seemingly no regard or knowledge that he is doing so. Makes
me feel annoyed, irritated. Felt angry and tried not to. On tube ride home man
sat next to me leans into my personal space. I am struck by the repetition from
this morning and how annoyed and helpless it makes me feel. 11P 03
Sex & Bawdy
Sex with husband. Feel less inhibited and reticent than have felt for
while so its really good. More playful, impulsive and spontaneous. 01P 09
Friend holds up a massive bright pink Bratwurst which causes a lot of
bawdy hilarity. 04P 01
Overwhelming hilarity at sight of a poached pear presented at the table
for pudding. Looks like a drooping penis, unlike any other. The hilarity feels
bawdy and loud among those of the group sitting around.
I see strong image of C's very large breasts heaving up and down as she
laughs, stretched straight out on her chair like something from a Hogarth
painting. It's a lovely image full of life and joy in its bawdiest moments. I'm
loving C's mood and her youth, she seems abundant. I'm aware of a rather
maternal acceptance of her child like qualities of selfishness and precocity
which normally rankle me and now vaguely amuse me. It's a relief, letting go of
the cynicism and dryness of old age. 04P 02
C is standing at the breakfast bar with pyjama bottoms revealing her
very round buttocks and I have an almost irresistible urge to pull her trousers
down. She is our youngest and has a wonderfully full and lively figure. D
follows, saying she has an urge to give her a wedgy. Buttocks start to figure a
lot in the group's collecting of images since the proving. 04P 02
Strong feelings of love for the whole group excited by thinking of
individual people, for example remembering C is laughing with her breasts
heaving, the hilarity of the penis pear excites feelings of wanting to be bawdy,
have a really good fun orgy in the style of Hogarth, lots of tankards of beer
swilling about with buttocks and breasts and big, frothy petticoats. Feel
amused by myself having these thoughts because I am normally so private about
my sexuality and sex. The idea of an orgy suddenly seems good fun and earthy,
not sordid and desperate like I usually think. 04P 04
Slumped and farting in front of log fire, laughing, sexual innuendo. 07P
01
Picture hooks look sexually suggestive, amusing. 07P 01
Laughing hilariously at phallic dessert, sensation as if I've wet myself
in a squirt, though I haven't. 07P 02
Two tutors take me into the office/bedroom one afte
r the other, feels illicit, like a sexual liaison. 07P 03
Interested in the concept of choice as a mechanism, like a circuit board
with an on - off switch. Interested in prostitution as a reasonable choice. 07P
13
Drinking a little, got talking about moonies, bums, arses with friends –
one ripped her trousers dancing today, one used to pull moonies as a hockey
girl at university, I told them about the proving theme of arses, 07P 15
An old friend comes over for a sexual liaison. It's not unusual, but I
am particularly clear this time about what I want. Very warm and caring but I
have no hesitation about not contacting him afterwards, ensuring it is
definitely a one night thing. I realise I've been thinking about and
researching prostitution recently, it seems like a decent option, I feel very
pragmatic and unemotional about it. 07P 31
My boobs feel massive and people have commented on it. Feel uninhibited.
Want everyone together, no need for clothes. I feel I'm lacking human touch.
Want to go home and have a shag. I feel quite lush. Not normally as 07P 38
Clothing
I've enjoyed Halloween much more than previous years, it fits in with my
general joie de vivre! I even got dressed up to go out tonight (witchy costume)
I don't usually like dressing up. I dyed my hair blue for the night and put on
a short skirt and make-up! Quite unlike me. 01P 23
I spent the afternoon sewing. I altered 2 skirts to make 'miniskirts'
each for my daughter and myself. (This in it self is a bit bizzarre because I
haven't worn short skirts for very many years and I have this month had an urge
to wear them. 01P 30
Getting dressed its so lovely and warm at Hawkwood and I don't need so
many layers of clothes. I've got a short sleeved top and no shoes and it feels
great. Reminds me of feeling so uncomfortable the other day in all my layers of
clothes. I've felt uncomfortable in my clothes quite often during the proving.
The layers of clothes is like the layers
of rational thinking in the Dream:; the guilt, the consideration of the
consequences. Its been very comfortable through out the proving without all
those layers! 01P 37
Walking around with just a top on. Realise I've been doing this after a
bath last few days. Feels really comfortable and right. Sometimes have slippers
on as well.
Feel like a child or animal. 04P 48
Don't want to dress for breakfast, go down in pyjamas. 07P 02
I do not normally buy many clothes, but I have recently been really keen
to buy a mini skirt/dress and today I buy 3: 1 skirt and 2 dresses. 08P 22
Wearing my mini skirt, it is okay, but doesn't feel as good as it did
earlier in the proving. 08P 41
Bought a bright red lip stick. 10P 05
Today I went into town and bought some high black boots, black tights
and a short red and black dress, felt really good in it. 10P 08
Consumerism
I've ended up completely atheist and enjoying consumerism. 07P 00
Very interested in matt and shiny silver surfaces of foil on pot of
cheese, more interested generally in modern world, excited by multiplex cinema,
interested in adverts, drawn to city, noise, stimulation, my town feels too 07P
06
Voluptuous adoration of a gift catalogue, every thing in it is glorious,
wonderful, delicious, gorgeous, beautiful, "too much of a good thing is
wonderful", joy at its existence, single-minded, devouring. 07P 08
Feel loving towards inanimate objects such as the bus, taking my time,
more deliberate, self-contained, people are contours in the area which I must
move through. 07P 09
Groups
Lectures finished and some of group have gone for walk in woods. Didn't
want to go (feeling tired and hungry) but now I'm missing them I don't know
what to do with myself. Fell a real regret at seeing them go. Don't know
whether I want a glass of wine, a cup of tea, a sleep, to be inside or outside.
Have a really indecisive hour or so feeling restless and ill at ease. Suddenly
want to go home and be with my family, particularly husband. 01P 02 18.30 NS
Still been missing the college group. Can't wait to see them tomorrow.
Strong resentment at times that I haven't been able to talk to them about the
proving. 01P 35
I feel responsible for the group: have to mark a point to make sure we
find the way when we return. Others laugh, but I feel an urge to mark that
place so we can't miss it and lose our way. I don't think the others will
remember the path; I have to do it my way. 08P 02
Desire not to be with 'my group'; have lunch with 4th years.
Not just disappointed, but I don't want to see them, close to being revolted.
08P 03
Irritable & Intolerant
Woke up with continuing feelings of animosity towards a student in the
group. Had gone to bed last night with the same feeling, hoping it would go
away. Had feelings of animosity towards her before but have managed to sweep
them aside. Maybe it's because yesterday she announced to the group that she felt
there was some animosity towards her from people in the group and now I feel
guilty and accused. I'm also thinking that people are feeling an animosity
towards me but it's momentary, coming and going with small incidences. 04P 04
Wife complained that I am being very intolerant. I am not aware of this
and feel that I am more tolerant than 05P 22
Extremely irritable, misanthropic, feel guilt and blame, have to try to
control my sharp tongue, don't want to go out, want to stay at home. 07P 09
Quarrelling constantly with my husband. I really feel like he is
behaving in a negative and helpless manner, demanding support. I don't
understand why he is behaving unreasonably. 09P 05
Get offended quite easily, feel like telling people to back off you lot because
you think you are better than me, I'm closer to spitting it out, to speaking my
mind, I don't give a shit, I think " accept it " to them. 10P 10
I find myself feeling intolerant in class. This is a new symptom for me
at college. I am intolerant of discussions that seem to go nowhere or questions
that seem silly or obvious to me. 11P 21
Felt irritable, on a short fuse, intolerant. The new symptom side of
this is that I feel I am acting or speaking without my previous internal
dialogue of 'what will people think?' 11P 24
Aggression & Anger
Intense and aggressive feelings towards others in my group, I want my
views to be known. I stand up for my views and feel that I will fight for them.
06P 02
Suddenly I feel anger coming up: vicious, wanting to growl, to lash out
quickly, bite, real vicious anger. Wanting to insult. Geared towards someone
who isn't present and the frustration of not showing my anger makes me tearful.
But then the anger comes back up, like a wave. Waves of anger followed by sadness.
(Similarity with pain in legs and abdomen that comes and goes as in waves) When
I realise it is badger influence, I can let go of the anger, but the sadness
stays. It continues to come in waves. 08P 60
I smacked my son on the bottom tonight. I have never done that before.
It happened really quickly and instinctively, before I had even thought about
it. He was understandably furious with me.
I am disappointed in myself and worried about the instinctive nature of
it. It was entirely dispassionate, both before and afterwards. I normally feel
inner rage, the awareness of which ensures that
I don't act upon it. 09P 13
Partner said I've been swearing a lot and am angry, I don't feel angry,
just assertive. Feel like I really know what I want and how to get it. 10P 05
Irritable, really angry, could have bitten partners head off. Could do
with a punch up, fist clenched tight as I say this, I'm really angry and
irritable. I want to break and smash stuff. Assertive, feels really good to be
competitive. I feel as though I have no boundaries, angry. 10P 08
Growling
Read couple of emails in the staff forum from the boss. She's written a
couple of really curt condescending emails (quite characteristic of her). But
this morning it really gets my f...ing back up. Want to really go for this
woman, tear her apart, scratch her eyes out. (normally I'd feel cross but would
let it pass over me or brood on it for a bit & then drop it: rare to feel
aggressive like this). I feel quite incensed , arrrgh (growl), claws. 01P 03 08.00
NS
Growl about something that's momentarily irritated me as getting ready
for bed. Husband says, "you keep growling". I hadn't noticed. I don't
usually growl! It’s a noise deep in the back of my throat. 01P 04
Someone sat on my seat for the second time today. I made a low sound
"Bwrooar" like a chicken and chased them off, neck out, no arms, felt
warm towards them, it was a good-natured warning. 07P 02
Insects
Many flies and mosquitos around. Sensitive to their presence and
frightened by them. 01P 00
Lots of flies in kitchen: not particularly unusual for hot day with all
doors and windows open though seem like lots. But go upstairs and into bedroom.
Count 12 flies on son's bedroom window then find at least as many on windows in
all other bedrooms. This is very unusual: never experienced it before! They
make my skin crawl and scalp itch and feel a bit shivery. 01P 04
I watch a Youtube clip of fire ants making a 'life raft' to escape the
flood. I'm drawn to watch it. The way they work together makes me think of that
fine tuned machine of my Dream: From that I watch another fire ant clip about
how a particular fly lays its larva in fire ants heads. For 2 weeks they behave
pretty normally whilst the growing larva sucks out its body juicies. Then its
head falls off and the larva continues to grow in there until it hatches. I'm
awestruck and horrified by this. Physically I'm shivery and my skin crawls. 01P
07
Kamikaze lady birds. In bath in evening, one landed on me and I put it
on the window sill. It then started crawling up my candle which I warned it
against. It then jumped off it onto the window and then jumped straight back
into the flame! The other one ended up drowning in the bath water. 02P 07
Side of house suddenly covered with ladybirds, they were everywhere came
into the kitchen. They made me feel happy with a sense of privilege at being
amongst them.
03P 13
Watch a wasp being caught by a spider in a rosemary bush. See the spider
stabbing it and the wasp trying to stab back. Intermittently return to observe
the stages following its capture. I have added this later because while looking
back through pre-proving diary, I saw I had a Dream: about a wasp trapped in a
rosemary bush, before this happened. 04P 13
I am having a lovely moment with a hoverfly. It flew down and landed on
the cushion next to me, seemingly with no awareness that I was watching it. I
cannot take my eyes off it. 09P 03
I disturbed a fly today and, thinking it was something grotesque such as
a horsefly, I tried to kill it. However I then realised that it was actually
two flies mating.
I was intrigued and tempted to leave them alone but rationally decided
to kill them to prevent the eggs etc. However, as I did it, I felt awful as
they couldn't even move as
I did it. They were so stuck to each other, they couldn't even fly away.
They didn't seem able to separate and I felt sad that they had no chance
against me. 09P 08
I'm plagued by flies again, hearing one all the time. I caught one just
now with one single swat. I seem acutely aware of flies and how to catch them.
09P 08
A mosquito was bothering me as I lay in bed reading. I seemed to be able
to hear it all the time, so much so that I started to wonder if I was imagining
it. Eventually it did fly over my head and I thought I managed to trap and kill
it in my bedside light. 09P 09
I was at the sink in the kitchen and a wasp flew in the window and
slowly followed me into the lounge. I ran as was scared (I am scared of wasps
but this reminded me of the Dream:). I went back into the kitchen and it
followed. I became more alarmed and ran round to the bedrooms shutting the door
behind me. Heart was beating fast. Went back in to the lounge and noticed the
wasp at the window, it then found its way out. 11P 17
Alone
Feel incapable all day. Decide to give in to it and watch old romantic
black and white films! Getting really annoyed with doing this diary! It feels
really intrusive and like
I want to pull down the shutters and be private! 02P 17
Desire to be by myself with nobody else. 08P 05
I organise a place to sleep: I get duvet, get hammock, hang it up, lie
in it with the duvet, nice and warm, head in the shade side, in the hammock, in
the dark, hidden. 08P 06
I am fed up of company and I really feel that I need some time without
anyone else around. 09P 14
Feel the need to distance people from my self preservation. 10P 10
The noise really got to me. In fact everything got to me, opinions,
noise, narrow mindedness, I want everyone to fuck off. 10P 18
Vulnerable
Driving home. Its dark now and I'm going through narrow lanes, nearly
there. Feel wary of bright lights of a couple of cars I meet coming towards me
in lanes. Like a rabbit caught in the headlights. 01P 03
A visit to a new neighbour who talks a lot and interrupts me when I try
to talk. Her voice feels as if it is drilling into my head. I get a headache in
the frontal lobes and observe her in a detached sort of way, I can' wait to get
06P 08
Desire to indulge into being alone and be fed, looked after by someone
else. With a blanket and a fire. Wanting to be dependent, opposite to being
responsible. 08P 05
Paranoid
Went up to common to see sunset, kept looking over shoulder because I
thought someone was there but there wasn't. 02P 02
Standing at the end of a lane. At the other end stands a figure, not
sure if it's a man or beast. Feels like it's looking at me intently, very
still. I feel like I'm caught in the moment, doing the same. I feel a bit
creeped out by the feeling that it might be a spirit and that it may be
malicious or evil. But it doesn't feel that it would be entirely evil, only
half evil. I also feel a sense of wonder and respect and there is a very
internalised feeling of being excited, almost like anticipation. I also feel
closer to myself and nature in that moment. I then move to see if it moves but
it doesn't. I realise it's a tree. 04P 02
Whilst hanging out after class, I felt that others in my class were
ganging up on me. It was two people together and it felt like they were acting
in unison almost like a pack. They were putting me down through jest, I thought
that they felt threatened by me. 06P 02
Have felt very jumpy the last few days as if someone is sneaking up on
me. 10P 24
Fear of the Future
Twice have had a feeling that something dreadful has happened to my
loved ones but there is nothing I can do about it. Have imagined that my
daughter has fallen down
the stairs at my mothers (babysitting) and is lying dead and
undiscovered. Also, then heard a bang and thought I saw my husband in the room
except I knew he was out.
I felt that this was a sign that he was dead, having been hit by a car
on the street outside the hotel. In both cases I could do nothing, call no-one.
I felt helpless. 09P 07
Lying and obsessing about the decision not to go to a remembrance
Service. I feel that by not attending then I will be causing a tragic thing to
happen to my husband during his coming tour. I think that I will be bringing it
on myself if I don't go, to spend the remainder of my life going to Remembrance
Services in memory of my husband,
It is a very morbid thing and I cannot get the thought out of my head. I
decide to act on my instincts and change my mind. I will go with the kids to a
Remembrance Service.
I am trying to live by listening to my instincts so I feel better that I
am acting according to that truth, even though it may be warped with
superstition. 09P 31
Feeling quite paranoid about flying, about Partner taking out life
insurance, nasty sense of something bad is going to happen. 10P 10
Out of shower and felt anxiety about health. Realised that the small
bumps on my scalp were probably skin cancer and I was going to die. Either that
or my recent abdominal discomfort was cancer. Feeling was a realisation rather
than panic. 11P 02
Depressed
Suddenly felt really depressed, wanted to cry. In a state of despair all
day. 03P 27
Feel utterly flat, depressed, emotionally unable to lift myself up,
anything is pointless, flat, can't fill the emptiness, eat lots of ice cream.
07P 10
Grey
Feel grey and flat, longing for something. 07P 02
Everything feels grey. Work is grey, life is grey, Dream:s are grey. 11P
00
Guilty
Feel guilty, as if I've done something wrong, feel sick, tightness in
throat. 07P 21
I feel a sort of self-loathing this evening. I am angry at myself for
snacking on crisps and chocolate earlier. I feel like I have let myself down
09P 13
Confusion
Notice as I'm writing that I suddenly find myself writing the wrong
thing. I'm writing the words from the next sentence which I've already thought
of. Its as if my writing can't keep up with my thoughts which are racing 01P 06
Scatty as leave college and forget half my stuff, have to go back for it
when was about to get in car. 02P 03
Feel really tired and muggy headed, have really struggled to use the
correct format in typing this up. It's been like wading through treacle with
it! 02P 05
Words becoming meaningless, can only hear sounds. Have to really
concentrate to get any sense out of what is being said. Feeling of being 'out
of it' above the world. 03P 02
A flash of confusion, maybe I'm colour blind, I thought I put green
paper in the photocopier but it comes out pink. 07P 13
This morning I was completely befuddled at school drop off, forgetting
things and having to go back home to get them. Normally this would send me into
a bad mood for the rest of the morning, but I am totally fine with it and take
it totally in my stride. 09P 04
Losing stuff. 10P 01
Time
Time has flown and I haven't actually done very much. I've somehow just
been being. And yet things have been done and achieved! When I get down to
doing something specific it seems to come easily and happen efficiently. 01P 0
Weird time distortion thing going on today. 01P 10
Started cleaning house, everything seemed to be slow take longer than
usual. 03P 27
Clarity in the moment, forgotten what's been done and said in the recent
past. 07P 02
Frustrated over rigidity with time, need for absolute punctuality. 07P
32
Quicksand
Great difficulty to stay awake when I wake up. Big effort. My eyes want
to close all the time, and it feels like I get dragged down into swampy
shifting sands. I have to work hard to pull myself back upwards and open my
eyes, time and again; altered location: drawing down sensation in legs has
altered to mental symptom. 08P 06
I feel really under pressure when people suggest that my partner moves
back in now. I cant do it, feel like I am being swallowed up like a quick sand.
10P 18
Tunnels
Told to visualise a place that is safe. The image that immediately comes
to mind is a burrow in the earth. I'm surrounded by other furry animals of my
kind, curled up and sleeping. We're all snuggled up together and I can feel
their warmth against me. It feels very safe and warm. 01P 11
I go with four friends to visit a disused mine. Two old men go every
Sunday to dig tunnels to locate it. We climb down a shaft into tunnels that you
can barely turn around in. I am lying in these tunnels and feel as if this is
where I belong. I feel a great peace and I think that if the tunnel caves in I
will accept that. It's beautiful. I can hardly contain myself with gratitude
for the friend that brought me here. Knowing that I was terrified of such
spaces, he wanted me to try and see if I could overcome that fear and feel the
peace that he feels in them. I never thought I could do this. Normally, the
fear is so great that just talking about confined spaces like these make me
panic. Instead I was able
to keep any rising panic down; it wasn't difficult; I didn't want to
dishonour such a place. Instead I feel like a child cum animal, we are all like
animals, scurrying through on hands and knees not wanting it to end. I'm away
from the world, I am in a peaceful place which is in the earth. 04P 45
Other
Out of the blue decided to email an old flame! Just thought why not!
Want to feel of significance to somebody. 02P 10
I looked younger in the mirror, like a stranger. Did not recognise
myself for a moment. 05P 03
I had a strange delusion, when I looked at my finger nails they appeared
tiny like a child' 05P 35
Laughing hilariously at people's stories, including that everyone thinks
the absent protagonist in them is me, which it's not. 07P 02
On the tube I sit next to an older lady wearing big coat and scarves.
Realise when I sit down that she has an odour of not having washed for some
time. When she moves her head there is a strong odour of ulcers/ rotting flesh.
I find it too strong and have to swap tube carriages. 11P 04
Dreams
There is a recurring theme in my Dream:s of looking after other people's
children 01P 00
Dream: that I'm looking after a friend's child, a toddler. I take her
with me to pick my own kids up from school and its Friday which is 'sweetie day'
and we find a nice sweet shop they're all enjoying picking out what they want.
01P 06
Dreamt I was on a big, old-fashioned steam engine. We were going to
exhibit it at a steam rally and I was riding on the front. The owners were
tinkering with the engine to get it all working well. But then we couldn't at
first find the correct tool to make it right. I need to find somewhere to hold
onto as we start to move but its hard because all the parts I could get hold of
are hot and I'd burn myself. The thing that suddenly comes to me is we're all
working together like a fine tuned machine.01P 07
Dream: that I was at a theatre. I knew some of the actors from
somewhere. Its at the end of the show and the audience are waiting for a role
call but the actors have all drifted off, getting changed, getting a drink. It
takes ages to get them all back on stage, in turns by which time I've lost my
family and can't get through to where I think they might be because the way is
blocked by another show starting. I end up going a long circuitous route to try
to get to the front door where I hope to meet them but wake up before I do. 01P
08
We were on a train; me and my whole family, heading home. The next
station would be Birmingham but we were still a while away. We were going to
let my daughter out at Birmingham whilst the rest of us carried on home because
she was going to stay with a cousin: Fred. I was in a quandary because actually
I knew that cousin Fred doesn't exist and was just a figment of our
imagination. Therefore it seemed to me that Fred probably wouldn't be at the
station to meet my daughter and I didn't know what to do about letting her off
the train there (she's only 8). I discussed this with my husband and we
wondered if she could stay with his mother instead but there wasn't much time
to arrange it and she'd have to get there by herself. We wondered about giving
her the address on a piece of paper and the money for a taxi. 01P 09
My youngest daughter and I were in the woods and came across a
rectangular pool of mud. Daughter had been here before and said, "I wonder
if its still so squelchy" and proceeded to try it out with her foot. I
said, "no don't do that" but by this time she's been sucked down by
the mud and had disappeared. She was still able to talk to me even though she
was completely under the mud and said, "no mum its OK".
I was in a real panic, horrified, but she seemed really calm. I said
"I demand that you give me your hand" and was fishing around under
the surface of the mud until I found her raised hand. I started to pull on her
hand but couldn't get a good grip and then I woke up. 01P 09
An arched hole in the wall of the house which is an alternative way in.
The hole starts out about the size of a small window and opens into a tiny
space just big enough for a person to crouch in and then it really narrows down
to a very narrow, short passage that I can only just squeeze through on my
front and then opens out into a much bigger space, big room or courtyard. This
way of getting in seems very familiar in the Dream: I've used it lots before.
01P 11
Dream: I was at the top of a tower block that had a central courtyard
i.e. an enclosed long drop. I was with another person who jumped off the top
and floated down in a parachute position but very slowly. Because of the
enclosed drop there was a really strong updraft that stopped you falling at
normal rates and you could even ride it a bit like a bird on a convection
current. I (but not me) jumped too and made the same slow, gentle descent. - -
- 01P 13
Dream: I was going to have a go at riding a giraffe unicycle and was at
the top of some step ladders ready to get on. Then the Dream: altered and I was
upside down and close to the ceiling and walls. I was totally disorientated,
couldn't make out what was ceiling and what was wall and where the floor was
despite the fact each of the walls and the ceiling were painted in strong,
differing colours. It was a really strong sense of being disorientated in
space. - - - - 01P 13
A neighbour explained a local boy who already had a kidney problem had
been given him something (drugs) by my son and he'd collapsed. I got out of the
ambulance and went to find my son at home. He was smirking when I asked him
what had happened but didn't wait for an answer. I pushed him over to the floor
and started pummelling him with my fists but I was aware that I wasn't really
hitting him hard. I was angry with him but my anger wasn't coming through this
way. I don't know where this Dream comes from: it has no foundation in anything
that's happened. The physical sensation of hitting my son was really strong. I
could really feel myself hitting him: the strength of the punches. 01P 14
I was in the pub and was supposed to be with my husband but had got
split up from him and was looking for him in different bars/different pubs.
Instead I had a young girl with me who was apparently a friend's child. I
didn't remember having made an official arrangement to look after her but she
was definitely with me. I found some pens for her to colour with. I was doing
some knitting and hoping that husband would turn up too. 01P 14
Dream: hitting my oldest son again and pulling his hair. I even picked
up a plastic bottle of cleaning fluid and was hitting him around the head with
it. - - - - 01P 15
Dream: Was carrying a small baby. It got a bit heavy just carrying it in
my arms and it had gone off to sleep so I made a sling for it out of a piece of
material so I could carry it more comfortably. it wasn't my baby, perhaps I'd
found it. - - - - 01P 16
Dream: The world is going to end, fall apart and I'm packing up some
stuff just essentials like, clothes, boots and things, to take away. I'm
escaping with 2 of my boys
(I think I'm going to meet up with the rest of the family later) to
somewhere remote (possibly an island) where we're meeting up with some others
to make a new more simple life. 01P 20
Long, complicated Dream: about having a sexual encounter with X (not
anyone I know). We don't actually have sex. The alarm clock goes off and I wake
up feeling very sad and frustrated. I feel that I've missed an opportunity to
go to bed with X and I want to go back to sleep and dream that I am in bed with
him!
As I replay the Dream: in my mind I realise that I started off with pure
animal desire, instinct and lust.
Then as the Dream: progresses new layers of rationalising what I'm doing
are added on: will we be discovered? What about my kids and husband? What about
his wife, guilt! I get further and further from the instinct as I rationalise
the consequences a little bit more. In the end I can't even talk to my close
friends about what's happened! I feel as if this Dream: sums up the proving
experience for me. The sexual urge represents the larger picture of being
instinctual and uncompensated. My 'more usual self' rationalises life much
more: questions and worries about consequence. - - - - 01P 37
One of the women on the course is breastfeeding twin babies. She has
big, voluptuous breasts and the babies are big, really chunky and healthy
looking. I say "that must be good stuff you're feeding them because every
time I look at them they've grown a bit more." 01P 39
Dream: In a car in the back with lots of children, someone else driving.
Being followed by a van full of 'youths'. One of the children is diabetic and
really needs some sugar
so we get ahead a bit then hope there is time to stop. I'm left in car
with them while the driver dashes out to a shop. The van catches up before they
get back, and the 'youths' surround the car, being menacing, brandishing
bottles. They were about to start smashing the car windows to get to us, when I
decided I'd had enough and got out of the car.
I kept walking towards them each in turn and blocked their bottles with
my outstretched hand in a defiant 'no/ stop' gesture. Somehow I didn't get
hurt. Eventually my bravery won them round. - - - - 02P 02
Dream: A group of us go to a water place to cool down. It is a big lake
with a hut in the middle. I have a view from up in a very tall tree that is
casting useful shadow onto the lake. I look down along a very long branch that
goes into the water and curves around like a very long elephant's trunk. There
are actual elephants below that use the branch to rub up against and scratch.
The hut in the middle of the lake has a further middle bit partially walled off
of really thick mud, still under the roof but around the muddiest bit
it is water but very thick with the mud. I joined the other people
walking through this muddy water which required effort, round and round in an
anti-clockwise direction.
We did it because we knew it was good for us. Some people were in the
middle smothering the mud all over themselves. There was an element of tension
about how long to stay as though it wasn't that safe a place, but it was nice.
My friends got out and cleaned up and dressed quicker than I wanted to be. - -
- - 02P 04
Dream: I own a little tower house, some kind of old round building that
used to be something else like a clock tower, however some of it is underground.
In my Dream: it seems to be in 2 places simultaneously, London and my
home town. You get into it through a little door in a busy street in London,
and then go down some stone spiral steps. It needs lots of work doing to it and
I'm in the middle of doing it whilst living there. To get from the first small
room to the next you have to go along on your belly because it is so low, and
literally wriggle through. I tell a friend I am showing it to that I will have
to dig all of this ground out. She looks worried that she might
get stuck it's so low. Then it opens out into a large room with a very big
window. From this window I can see across the stray (a very large open grassy
area around the town
I grew up in), and I think how wonderful it will be when it snows to
watch it come down from here in warmth and safety. - - - - 02P 06
Dream: Walking along a really winding road in a hot mountainous region.
At one point there is what I assume should be part of an old building that was
religious, at the side
of the road. There is only windows left, but now they just look like
windows for the beautiful view from the road. At one of the bends I find stairs
that lead down to the car park, it's a very long way down and it takes ages,
going down a few, then turning back round on yourself to go down a few more,
over and over. I feel like I'm leaving the heights of the sky to get back down
to ground level. I don't remember where I went when I got to the bottom, but I
do remember then returning to the car park wanting to leave and get back up to
the top. The queue for the lift was huge. Everyone was all huddled together,
jostling to get a bit nearer the front. When the lift filled each time,
everyone else very eagerly rushed to fill in the space they had left in the queue,
but in small movements, shuffling, and some steps had to be ascended also to
get to right outside the lift door which wasn't easy. I think everyone had bags
of shopping which was making it harder. I felt too carried along with the crowd
and didn't like having
no space so I stepped out to look for another way. - - - - 02P 07
Dream: I remember being in a very big posh house that has lots of very
complicated staircases in it. On one, in order to go down, you had to go up a
little way first and then curve back round on yourself, you couldn't just join
it where you wanted to because it had sides. It felt as though it was for show,
to be posh and different, not straightforward, it actually made it very
confusing.
Then as I was going down I felt like I didn't need to use my legs, and
that I could just hold onto the rail in the middle and, leaning into it with my
feet pointing out, glide down. It was a very slow and controlled movement, but
felt natural and elegant to me, whilst I knew I shouldn't be able to so it. I
was then seen by a young boy on one of the landings and so stopped immediately
and tried to act naturally. He looked at me in a way that told me he'd seen and
I just smiled and he knew not to say anything. For some reason I have to take
this boy and his friend to another house. When we get there I know something is
wrong. He is fiddling with the keys and I take them off him because I don't
want him to go in first in case he sees something unpleasant. As I open the
door a little I smell the air that comes out to see if it smells of death, it
doesn't so I open the door a little further but sure enough, right away on the
kitchen floor is a dead body lying on it's back with arms by it's side wrapped
in cling film. I close the door immediately and tell him how glad I am I
stopped him from seeing that. 02P 07
Dream: I remember being in some sort of panic situation like a war, and
finding myself with others up a big tower on the outside. We had to get down
quickly. There was one person who was in the army and told us to do as he said
or certainly die. There were ropes and we had to hold on tight but lean out and
absail down, walking steadily. I remember people falling off from above me and
being determined not to let go. The ropes ran out just before the bottom, but
there was an inflatable to land on. I found it very hard to let go. - - - - 02P
08
Dream: Re-united with 2 long lost brothers (I don't have). Felt really
wonderful to reconnect with them. One of them is treating my first ever
boyfriend who he says still has problems as a result of our breakup. I feel
terribly guilty. - - - - 02P 4
Woke up still in Dream: like state with vivid, lucid sensation of
expansion, almost bliss-like feeling that I was above the world, almost above
everything that is, calm, floating but not dreamy. 03P 04
Woke up with the vision of a chart in front of my eyes, very ornate, a
navigational chart of some sort. It was quite spectacular in vivid blues and
silver and whilst I had the feeling of the sea there seemed to be a type of
universe navigation feeling too as if I was being given the ultimate map of the
universe to enable me to 'set sail' and navigate it freely. 03P 06
Dream: about moving to a house. It was a circular community where each
house was a segment of the circle and the inner circle was communal. Felt as if
it was a forced move of some sort and I was uncomfortable and edgy about it,
something wasn't right. - - - - 03P 10
Get up early sunny morning with friend in pyjamas that look like
clothes, feeling half undressed. 04 P 02
Dream: Really powerful feeling of love for my daughter as a five year
old. She is so alive and happy. She is now - - - - 20. 04P 04
Dream: In a kitchen. Black objects on string hanging from the ceiling. I
rationalise that they are sculpture. The black shapes are shiny, heavy, longer
rather than wider.
They are organic in shape. Like bits of something. They feel a bit
sinister but because they are in a domestic environment, the kitchen, and I
have decided they are sculpture then I don't feel I have a reason to be afraid
of them or think that they are odd or menacing. - - - - 04P 04
Dream: Image of young, pretty teacher at work lying on a trolley pushing
herself at high speed round the driveway with great abandonment, with a short
skirt on, baring her bottom and also her vagina. I can see in great detail the
pubic hair around her vagina. It's silvery grey, coarse and sparse, like an old
lady's. I feel momentary shame and concern for her, for being so abandoned. I
am standing with teachers from my department and we are all laughing, saying
how crazy she is. But we are also concerned that the school boys and teachers
will see her and then mock her, so we are feeling protective of her and her
craziness as well. - - - - 04P 04
Dream: Partner is telling me how he used to run around, as a child with
his friends on holiday, and enter the houses of a shanty town messing up the
families' belongings.
We are standing in the area as he is telling me and I feel really cross
because he cannot see how horrible that is. I feel sad for the families and
ashamed at this behaviour. - - - - 04P 04
Dream: My co-worker accuses me of stealing some paper. I go 'What?'
'What?' 'What are you saying?' like a kid, denying by looking surprised and
offended. Feel really upset and accused and manage to get her off my back. Then
realise that I have in fact stolen a sketch book and therefore I have lied
about the stealing. Feel a bit bad but then realise that I had been accused of
stealing paper, not the sketch book. I then feel a relief because I haven't
lied after all and I have managed to steal the sketch book without getting
found out. - - - - 04P 05
Dream: Standing in Sloane Square waiting for my partner. Raise my arms
to put my hair up and then realise I have hairy arm pits. Get a snapshot of my
hairy armpits in detail. Elegant, suited man in his fifties catches sight of my
armpits and is curious and attracted to them so I feel reassured and can carry
on. Keep trying to put my hair up with elastic band but can't get it right. Hair
feels too thick and the texture feels uncomfortable to the skin on my hands as
if my skin is too dry. I can't manipulate the hair and elastic band properly
and can't get the bun in the centre. My arms feel really heavy and tired. This
overplays again and again. Meanwhile young men keep walking towards me and
smiling. I smile back and realise they're smiling at someone behind me. I think
they're my partner each time but as I realise they're not they morph into
someone else.
I feel embarrassed and awkward, shy and unattractive. - - - - 04P 06
Dream: I'm a student, but also an adult, living with other students in a
really nice house which is chaotic but homely. Two men drive up in a very
expensive car surveying us.
I feel plain and uninteresting compared to the other students but then
the driver shows an interest in me. Then I feel attractive. I am also turned on
by the situation, which is like one of a prostitute being picked up
by a man, because it feels seedy, dangerous and slightly abusive. - - -
- 04P 07
Dream: Trying to escape from some very sinister people, one who is a
woman. Everything feels a bit futuristic set in a dark dungeon. I am with a
heroic character but then I am the heroic character.
I am flying at great speed, like batman, down a long tunnel, dark and
glistening, like a sewage tunnel. I'm flying towards a gate at the end before
it closes. As I get near it's already closed. I nearly panic but because I am a
super hero I calmly whoosh down to the right and enter a subsidiary tunnel. There
is an Amazonian female welder welding a gate onto its exit. I ask her to let me
through. She is scared for me and herself, in case she gets caught out helping
me, but she lets me through. I feel a huge gratitude for her but I feel bad for
asking her to help me because I know she may now get killed and tortured. 04P
07
Dream: I am on a peninsula which has sand dunes and coarse grass, going
up and down. Feel as if I'm on a walking holiday visiting homes on the way.
Rich houses. Man in his 50's, rugged, weathered, bit shabby. I'm attracted to
this man, curious about him but my sister says to keep away. Feel as if I can
make friends with this man will feel secure. He's by a fire, moving around. He
slightly scares me but I think he's good even if anyone else doesn't. Walking
along lane. Snake comes out at me like a dart and I dodge, warn people behind
me. See snake's head at eye level very defined, its body out of focus.
Encounter with a dog along the way, walking downhill along the dunes. Was a
physical feeling of its body mixed with a vague sexual feeling. Talking to a
dog lying on the ground, bear like, big woolly hairy dog, stroking it roughly,
friendly dog, feel like its looking after me. At the same time wondering if
it's getting an erection but don't let it worry me. I like stroking it too
much. - - - - 04P 08
Dream: Italy. Lots of money around, talking about money, buying things,
market with jewellery. Italian friends are in the dream feels quite dark,
glistening, almost like an Arab bazaar. - - - - 04P 08
Dream: In the wilderness, the steppes, dry, bitterly cold and beautiful.
Ice cold. Wild animals. Beautiful delicate creatures eating crunchy grass. I
can see their lips close up around the green crunchy blades of grass coming
through the icy ground. They can find the grass because they're wild, not like
me. They're surviving. Are they deer? My legs are so bitterly cold. Snow is
stinging them. Trying to survive but getting colder. Can feel my legs freezing
up. Difficult to move them. Feel as if I might die. I'm given some special
trousers for the cold and put them on. Feel my legs getting warmer. - - - - 04P
10
Dream: Skiing. Skating on ice. Perfect carving patterns through the snow
and ice. - - - - 04P 10
Dream: Staying in a communal house. Looking at it from above, like a
floor plan. Like a box separated into box like compartments, each with paper
thin walls. - - - - 04P 10
Dream: At homeopathy school. Trying to find way to my bedroom. Feel
disconnected from everyone. Can't find my way. Keep going the wrong way. No one
is helping me. Suddenly come across an old school friend but I don't know how
to talk to her. She seems happy and comfortable but I'm not. - - - - 04P 10
Strong memory of a very physical sensation of rubbing up against another
man, so I must be feeling like a man. Our chests are rubbing against each
other. Hairy chests, like coarse hair. Can feel that sensation very clearly.
Very sexual and powerful. A feeling of competition, physical and powerful
strength, vigorously rubbing up and down against each other as if in a
competition of strength. - - - - 04P 12
Dream: My daughter is sitting astride my lap with her arms round me and
head on my shoulder like a child though she is her present age of 20. Her
partner is sitting next to
us with my daughter's best friend sitting on his lap. I see them have a
covert kiss. I get seething angry. Really seething. I pick my daughter's friend
up by her face with just
one hand. My whole hand is around her face and I dig my finger nails
into her skin. She is shocked and completely still, sort of hanging there half
suspended by my hand.
In a seething voice I tell her to never touch him again. Her face morphs
into another face. I know I am being a complete bully but I can't stop my self
because I need to vindicate my feelings of anger and protection towards my
daughter. I feel repulsed at myself, bullying a younger and weaker person, but
at the same time I feel a kind of masculine pride, that it's my responsibility
as a man to do this in order to protect my daughter. - - - - 04P 13
Leaving my partner. My partner cheating on me and I leave him. 04P 13
Dream: Lovely eating place high up on a hill looking over the sea.
Idyllic and tranquil. Simple, metal lanterns on the tables. I steal one as I leave.
Other women in the cafe.
Feel a sexual attraction towards them. Sitting with another woman,
stranger. Strong attraction towards her, feels quite predatory and male but I
am definitely a woman.
Tell her to steal a lantern. Then the owners come out, female gay couple
who are really nice. Feel guilty and want to put the lanterns back but might
get caught. Feel as if I have betrayed them and their hospitality, feel false,
as if I am bad and they are good. - - - - 04P 14
Dream: Strong sexual urge to masturbate. Try to find somewhere but my
mother or my daughter keep appearing. - - - - 04P 16
Dream: Woken up by fear of diving underwater to a cave. I know there is
sulphur gas in there and I don't want to breathe it in. I panic and head back,
water swirling around me, which wakes me up. - - - - 04P 17
Dream: Arena with a throng of shabby people. Savagely beating men with
planks of wood. One tries to get out and is pulled back and beaten. Can see the
planks beating their bodies and heads.
Am in the arena looking down. Watching a man's head being hacked off in
a really messy, brutal way. Fearful I'll be spotted. Not feeling too much, just
shocked. See huge photos of men's upper body. Put up there by militant
extremists. One man has throat gashed, really messy. All the men's eyes have
been mutilated. The two eyes have been made into one eye like a cyclop's eye in
the centre. It's bulging and has been enlarged to make it wide open so it can't
blink. There is still a second eye next to the central one but it's smaller.
It's ghastly and nightmarish. - - - - 04P 19
Dream: Bar full of ½ naked men. I had to brush past them if I wanted a
drink, did not like the thought. - - - - 05P 04
Dream: Could see a young girls legs through a see – through dress, had
lustful thoughts. - - - - 05P 07
Dream: Hotel, long passage to reception, thought it was 10 h. and that I
had missed breakfast, but then noticed my watch hands were turning very fast
and it was actually only 8 h. - - - - 05P 09
Dream: Held captive in grounds of a large house. Tried escaping by
running through woods but it was all in vain, I could not escape. Felt very
inevitable and hopeless. It was as though there was a boundary that I could not
pass. I seemed to be captive in the woods not the house. - - - - 05P 21
Dream: mixing chemical together to see if they explode. It produced a
high energy whooshing like a rocket and a white light/flame; I hid behind the
furniture. 05P 24
Dream: Belt tightening and
tightening around my waist. In my sleep I was saying " no" - I made
myself wake up so that my ? could be heard - wife heard me wailing. 05P 25
Dream: daughter taken by freak wave at beach, wife hysterical saying
" was digging herself in over there" I pictured her under the water
burying herself under the sand like
a scared crab so I would not be able to find her and she would drown.
05P 43
Dream: I was living in a commune in Glastonbury. My boyfriend was there
as well and we were preparing food. There were other men there who seemed to
like me sexually, though they were with partners, we were flirting anyway. I
was enjoying the attention. 06P 03
Dream: Within a time span of half an hour three generations of the men
in my family died. I experienced this one after the other. My reaction to my
grandfather was acceptance, as I knew that he was old and knew that in reality
he was already dead. Then when it came to my father I also accepted the news,
as I knew he had died a while back in reality and so it wasn't really a shock.
I had already grieved a lot for him. But I said as an answer to someone in my
Dream: that my father was my fire. This felt like
a very profound and meaningful statement at the time. Then lastly I went
to my mum' house and my brother was upstairs dead, having had a heart attack of
some sort and had drowned in a puddle of blood. I started screaming " How
could this happen? How could this happen?" I was in full grief mode,
wailing out the window. I was beside myself. And couldn't understand how we let
other human beings come to such a tragic end. Whose responsibility is it? Why
don' we care more? My boyfriend then woke me as he said I was weeping. 06P 13
Dream: Two of my colleagues are waiting to leave in the car, me and a
male colleague are indulging in erotic stroking in the garden, and his body is
also the garden, he's worried about me pressing down the plants, "don't
trample the rocket", we have a vague sense that someone might see us, but
we carry on, rolling around together, I assume it's ok, it feels good and he's
impressed. 07P 02
Dream: I think I'm fabulous but people gathering around me are jeering.
07P 02
Dream: I'm in a prison camp, we've been promised to leave, get ready,
parade out then paraded straight back in again, disappointment, Jewish-Nazi
connection. 07P 06
Dream: I'm on a boat in a river with my colleagues, can stand on the
boat or dive and swim alongside, I flirt with an encouraging attractive man,
then relax and kiss a lovely less attractive man, I don't have to try hard. 07P
07
Dream: I'm cuddling and kissing with an old boyfriend. 07P 10
Dream: a potato headed man is being shaved with a peeler, he's creamy
white, I can't wait to touch him, we kiss, I'm surprised his mouth doesn't
taste of salt. 07P 12
Dream: A group of people have committed a crime, there's real
camaraderie before they get taken away, feels dirty, wake up feeling guilty.
07P 34
Dream: I was sharing my room with 2 others. My friends are in a
different room, also sharing with someone else. In the morning we are lining up
for the bathroom, with our towels around our necks. Suddenly my friends come in
with their towels, giggling but also indignant: "the other woman won't let
us in to the bathroom. She says we are not allowed in, she is staying there and
nobody else can use the bathroom." I feel this can become a really
unpleasant territorial issue, I decide to laugh it off with a joke: "Oh
well, if you grow mushrooms up certain parts of your body, it may take a while
before you're finished cleaning yourself." 08P 02
Dream: with images of body parts, legs, piles of legs. 08P 07
Dream: about money: I have taken some money from the table where all
betting money was 08P 09
Dream: I'm in the street, I have a saw - like knife with me, opened up
so everybody can see I got a knife. Other people also have their stiletto's with
them and open. 08P 16
Dreamt that a friend of ours has got cancer and we get her daughters to
stay with us for a night. But after 3 weeks I realise that the parents have
never come to collect the girls, so they stay and live with us. 08P 22
Dream: of mountain, skiing down. 08P 31
Dream: of a strange 'futuristic' style tall platform, like a watchtower.
There was a room at the top which was used to spy on people or watch what was
happening in the corners of a grassy yard down below the tower. It has a
sinister feel to it, and I was not in the tower, but was looking up at it from
below. I felt that there was nowhere I could be without being seen. The whole
yard was illuminated with beams of light from the top of the tower. 09P02
Dream: I was in a scorched earth and separated from my son, except I had
my other two children with me. I tried to leave them with someone while I ran
around looking for my son, but they abandoned them so I was forced to search
whilst carrying my other children. I finally found him and we all had to pack
up our things (remnants within ashes) as we were being told to come away
forever. It was frightening and panicky. I didn't feel I would manage it, and
felt that we wouldn't survive without everything we needed. 09P 06
Dream: there was an aeroplane that had been hijacked and that the plane
was going to be blown up on the tarmac. My husband was involved in getting the
terrorists out of the plane whilst I looked after the kids elsewhere. In the
Dream: I felt torn between looking after the kids and being with my husband. At
one point, I leave my kids with a friend so that I can go and be with my
husband even though it is very dangerous. whilst it isn't safe, I feel better
that I am near him and that I am doing all that I can to prevent a disaster.
09P 17
Dream: something ancient. I can't remember the details but I know that
the essence was of something ancient and timeless. It was important. 09P 30
Have a Dream: last night, not very clear about some animal or even
person marking there territory by spraying on it (yuck). 10P 06
Dream: that I was bullying my 8 - year old son, in it I felt irritable,
antagonistic, being nasty, as if I was bullying him. 11P 04
Dream: I took a glass vase from the fridge with a mouldy type of mixture
in it. It had been in fridge for a long time, had been put there on purpose.
When I had taken it out
I realised there were two large wasps in it still a bit dopey from
having been in the fridge for so long. They start to wake up. I realise they
see me as the person who has trapped them (but it was unintentional). They warm
up and wake up and one of them starts to chase me, as I run faster I realise it
is going to sting me. 11P 11
Dream: I am driving a car (a mini) with my son, daughter, mother in law
and mother in law's partner inside. There is a heavy frost outside and I am
trying to turn the car around on a grassy verge very close to a river. I think
to myself that it would be awful to fall in. I try to go a little closer to the
river in order to complete a turn and the car slides into the water. We sink
and the car starts to fill with water. I manage to get out and try to swim back
to get my son and daughter but I don't move. My Mother in law and her partner
free them and all are ok. I am left with the feeling that it was my silly fault
and I could not get to them. Feeling of horrid helpless panic. 11P 13
Dream: My brothers were being horrible (normal) and I was an outcast and
being driven away. The unusual part was I just accepted it and bowed to their
authority. 12P 19
Dream: I am working on Toronto subway, it is my first day and no one
tells me what to do. There is a notice that says everyone has to make a pipe by
sticking shorter pipes together and then take it to a station downtown. I do
this and it is a bit of an Odyssey getting it down to the place with various
adventures. When I get there I can't find where to take it look everywhere till
an kindly old lady says: "they finished that last week dear." 12P 21
Physicals
Sensorium
Feel dizzy. Its a swimmy, dizzy feeling, hard to focus. I have had this
before, tends to come out in acute situations. 01P 06
Sit at computer to write this etc. and feel really dizzy again. It seems
to be concentrating on the screen that's making me feel dizzy now. Dizziness is
better when I get up and wander around and worse when I sit down again and look
at the computer. 01P 28
Suddenly came over very weak, wobbly, nauseous and faint. Would not
expect this to happen while happily busying about. Felt very shaky, cold sweat,
and like I desperately needed a sugar fix, the quickest thing I could eat was
crisps but they didn't seem to help much. 02P
Just had strange dizzy brief moment where felt like brain was pushed to
the left inside my head like an old type writer movement when you reach the end
of the line. 02P 05
Nausea which feels like motion sickness, yet I am lying down. It' a bit
like spinning. 06P 07
Dizzy vertigo feeling on way to school whilst walking. 11P 24 XX:XX
Head
During making of remedy (during last few potencies) started to feel a
prickling sensation in head, scalp and on face and back of neck. Lasted after
taking remedy into evening. 01P 01 18.00 NS
Slight headache in left side of forehead. Pressing in above eyebrow. It
is better when I lie on it 01P 01 19.30 NS
Headache is still there: its a feeling of heaviness pushing down over
left eyebrow pushing eye closed. Really want to close my eyes despite lecture
being really interesting. Heaviness over my brows, < l. 01P 02 11.45 Feeling
in top of head, the prickling is there again this morning. It's inside my
scalp, on the top of my brain. I've only felt this sensation before momentarily
on orgasm and in a particular period some years ago on smoking cannabis. This
has been there all morning and is really intense now. The feeling is outward;
its as if there's intense activity in the top of my brain: a bit like a very
active flickering circuit board. It's around the top of my head but now that
I'm really concentrating on it, it is also in my cheeks. It's cold. 01P 04
10.00 NS
Still have the strange sensation in the top of my head. It feels as if
there's lots of energy leaving the surface, that's why it feels cold, because
the energy is being used on the surface. The exact location on the surface of
the brain changes according to what I'm focussing on. It really is as if I'm
feeling the nervous electrical activity in the brain as a physical sensation:
all the nerve endings are stimulated and hence the prickly sensation (like the
hairs standing up on your arms in fear). Actually the word tingling is a better
word then prickling. 01P 07
Have very itchy scalp. I keep thinking (over last few days) that I must
have head lice. My very susceptible son has got them again. But I keep checking
myself and have checked again this morning and there's nothing. This morning
its particularly strong: a crawly feeling on my scalp, just like when I've had
lice. 01P 26
Put a hat on and notice that tingling in my scalp quickly reduces. Back
at home, take hat off and tingling is intense again! 01P 28
Strange sensation as if brain split down middle being teased apart,
pulled very gently by some external force with a marked feeling of pressure
changing in both hemispheres as it was happening. Not at all a painful
sensation. Can feel both sides functioning simultaneously. 03P 08
Scalp seemed unusually pink. 03P 09
Woke up scratching head all over. Couldn't stop scratching. 03P 16
Whole brain felt as if it was being split down the middle and pulled apart
by an unseen force. Not painful more a pulling cotton wool feeling. 03P 25
Sudden stabbing pain in head right temple area. 03P 33
Localised pressing sensation on right mastoid process. Vague feeling of
this pressing sensation extending to other parts of the skull at the back. 04P
02
Intense and sudden piercing stabbing pain, like one stab that remains,
in temple area just above right ear. 04P 08
Headache spreading over whole head, moving towards forehead and face.
Tension. 04P 16
Headache, clamping sensation, relieved by pressure 05P 03
I am stroking my hair constantly from my forehead over the top of my
head. It feels reassuring like grooming. 06P 04
I can't stop itching my head. This is the itchiest it's ever been! Have
caught head lice off my friend' kids and I haven't had lice since I was little.
The fuckers have bitten all round the back of my neck; it's driving me potty.
06P
A mini brain spasm, like a recalculation, with a slight jerk in the
neck. 07P 04
Slightly itchy behind ears 07P 05
Heavy feeling in head and eyes. I bend my head down and close my eyes.
Then my neck stretches as my head feels lighter. 08P 01
My head wants to turn from left to right and back, continually. My neck
turns easily, no stiffness as there often is. 08P 01
Have a steady headache at the top of my head, however I still feel
confident and in control. 09P 03
A prickling sensation at the back of my head as if the hairs are
standing up. 09P 06
A left sided headache, just above my left eye, with neck pain. 09P
Headache at the front of my head. A dull throbbing sensation 09P 22
Headache; the centre of the pain is directly behind the bridge of my
nose and there is a clamp being tightened around my head, tighter and tighter.
Each 'throb' is another turning of the vice. 09P 27
Awful headaches now on the left back of head, its like its all bruised
and sore. 10P 00
Headache, sensation as head is full, predominantly over left side,
desire to cover eye, < morning. 10P02
Massive bursting headache. 10P 03
My head is throbbing and pulsating, very sensitive to noise, keep
thinking the phone is ringing. 10P 19
Sensation or delusion that the skin of my scalp is paper thin. It is
itchy but it feels as if the skin is separated from the skull, as if an
enormous blister is lifting it from the skull. The skin feels very fragile as
if it could disintegrate very easily. Would like to scratch it but have an
image of it tearing. 12P 00
Partner thinks that the hair along my hairline is growing in and fuller.
12P 09
Sight and eyes
When I opened my eyes to try to write this down I can't focus my eyes
for minute or two. On turning on my computer the screen appears really blurred.
I can't focus my eyes properly. 01P 04
My eyesight seemed to get worse during the proving and this stayed for months
but has gradually improved again though still worse than before the proving.
I'd been prescribed glasses for reading many years ago but have never used
them. I did start using them for reading (only) during the proving. I need them
more at night/ in poor light and can manage in good light. This has lasted long
after the proving. 01P 00
Eyes not focusing with reading glasses normally worn for computer
screen. I have had to use much stronger ones all day. 03P 09
Woke up scratching at eyes which were unbearably itchy. No relief from
scratching them. Eyes unbearably itchy all day. 03P 22
Face of lecturer starts morphing as he is talking. Try to see what it is
morphing into but keeps moving in and out of focus. Made me giddy, as if
putting on the wrong glasses. 04P 02
Itchy around eyes. Compulsion to rub in one direction repetitively along
the crevice between bone of left eyebrow and eyeball. Feels really satisfying.
04P 17
Noticed sty under right eye. Noticed it gone on day 20. 05P 08
My eyesight has got much worse. I used to sometimes forget my glasses on
leaving the house, because I didn't need them. Now I have to put them on to do
my hair in the mirror. 07P 00
Eyesight seems sharper.
Eyes seem awake, though I'm probably tired. 07P 01
Keep finding human hairs everywhere, Sensation of hair in left eye. 07P
02
Woke up with a sticky, watery right eye. 09P 20
My eyes still feel heavy and big as if vision is slightly different,
more to the side. 10P 20
Hearing & Ears
The pipe work in our bedroom is very noisy. Keeps me awake for while but
then sleep. 01P 01 24.00 NS
Today is so noisy in my peaceful little village. Everybody is hammering
or drilling or strimming or delivering something and its all very loud, even my
neighbours children seem very loud. I don't really mind its more just that I'm
noticing. Even the aeroplanes seem louder than normal. 01P 04
Pain in left ear as though there's something stuck in there, congested
feeling. 02P 05
Became aware that r. ear is throbbing not loudly but sounds as if I can
hear the blood being squeezed through veins in time with my heartbeat. A
squishy buzzing sound. It came again over the next few days. 03P 19
Right ear started with slightly different sound more a rushing sound.
Like rushing water. 03P 23
Normal sounds in rest of the house rattling around in my head like a pea
in a can and echoing. 03P 26
Pressing sensation on mastoid process of right ear. Starts to extend to
crease between ear and skull. I think it's my hair so I pull it away but the
sensation is still there. Sensation starts extending to whole of the pinna.
Feels numb when I touch it. Have a fancy that my ears are getting bigger and
longer at the points. 04P 07
Pulsating sensation in right eardrum, on and off throughout evening.
Less strong and frequent in left eardrum. 04P 08
Left ear feels stopped at ear drum. Doesn't impair hearing. Intermittent
aching inside left ear. 04P 09
Itching inside both ears, better for boring finger in. 07P 23
Tinnitus in right ear has returned. Can't be sure it had gone all the
time, but it was definitely not an issue for me whereas I am normally aware of
it 08P 34 XX:XX CS
I notice that sounds are more acute. The radio is on or the washing
machine and suddenly in another room I will momentarily hear part of the sound,
as if an extract of the noise. Makes me turn around to see what is there and
then I realise it is the radio or washing machine etc. It feels strange, 11P 17
Smell & Nose
Smell of the grass very strong. Senses feel bombarded. 01P 04
For about 8 years I have suffered chronic cold symptoms. A cold that
never quite goes away with sore throat and swelling of the glands up to my
ears. Its usually better in the summer and flares up in the autumn and stays
all winter. Usually its worse on waking and often symptoms have cleared by
about 10am. Its also much worse for dust. In fact, with good homeopathy it has
started to look more like a dust allergy and I think that's probably what it
is. Housework, even in the summer leaves me snuffly and with sore itchy eyes
and a sore throat. All of these symptoms were very much reduced until day 10.
From day 10 to 31 day it crops up occasionally but relatively mildly ( and
comes and goes. On day 31 the symptoms came back very strongly and slowly faded
over the next several days. Then they disappeared again and I have been
virtually free of them ever since (writing this 8 weeks after proving started).
01P 00 CS
Strange acrid smell in nostrils. 03P 05
Sticky, slightly yellow catarrh from nose. 04P 07
Blocked, stuffy nose. Soon clears as runny phlegm passes down my throat.
04P 09 09.30 NS
Violent sneezing, uncontrollable. 05P 03
Very watery running nose, dripping, with great itching 05P 03
Sensation of tiny bogey in right nostril. 07P 02
Sensitive to smell of toilet. 07P 02
I notice fumes from the main roads. Smells are very acute. 11P 04
Awoke with intense itch in left nostril. 11P 11
Face
Son commented that I appeared to have a grey ring around my mouth and
chin. 03P 04
Face bright red and a horseshoe shaped rash appeared around right side
of the mouth. Very much like a German Measles rash. 03P 22
Pain at top of nose, bruised, as though punched in face. Surprised to
look in mirror and not see bruise. This pain got worse until for 3 days. 05P 03
My face looks yellow in the mirror. 07P 03
Diagonal red mark/blemish on right cheek. 07P 14
Dry hot cheeks, flushed, feverish, from exposure to cold, better after a
bath and sleep. 07P 30
I've got a rash around my mouth. 10P 08
Teeth and Gums
Gums bled when brushing my teeth. 09P 09
I am clenching my teeth harder. My front teeth top and bottom are
painful in the morning and feel loose. I also notice that my top front teeth
feel as if they have moved
and now are protruding slightly. 11P 11
Taste and Tongue
Woke up with really sore tongue, think I may have been chewing it
overnight. 03P 03
Metal taste in mouth, metal sensation, cold, especially when breathing
through my mouth. Reminds me of copper. 08P 20
Throughout the proving everything tasted salty. Made a risotto without
adding salt and could barely eat it as it was so salty. Everyone else said it
tasted fine.
Continued months after the 12P 00
Inner Mouth
Soreness on back of roof of mouth moving to left side. Better for
swallowing phlegm. 04P 11
Throat
Back of throat, dry on roof of mouth. Drinking water makes it go away.
04P 09
Sensation of a bit of something, like a small nail clipping, back of
throat, left side. Sensation sometimes renewed on swallowing. With accompanying
aching, possibly on both sides but I seem to focus on left side more. 04P 11
Sensation of hair at back of throat, left side, intermittently
throughout day. 04P 12
Hair in throat feeling that is making me cough. 06P 02
Tickly throat as if there is a little feather in my larynx. 06P 02
Post nasal drip has returned (which means it had gone for some days). It
is different in that it feels very stringy, ropy, difficult to swallow away.
08P 05
Woke up with tight sore throat and mild catarrh in my left nostril. 09P
11
A tight throat and sore glands in my throat. Swallowing is painful, like
there is something constricting around my throat. 09P 22
Appetite, Thirst & Desires
Realized I was really hungry and wanted to eat to combat feeling
slightly sick. Like on a boat, motion, flopping about from side to side. 02P 01
Couldn't drink the coffee I ordered which was unusual. Smelled/tasted
wrong, body said no. Tasted too milky too creamy, it smelled, tasted wrong,
artificial, something missing. 02P 01
Really enjoyed eating, really wanted to consume because I felt so empty!
Headache that I'd had all day went whilst eating. 02P 01
Very unusually couldn't eat the whole of a lovely meal prepared for me
by my eldest son. Had to go to bed feeling bloated and full. 03P 08
Comment to my partner while having supper that I haven't been desiring
any salt recently. Usually desire lots of salt and have to control myself with
how much I use.
This lack of a strong desire for salt has continued and it is now
approximately 5 weeks after end of proving. 04P 00
Could not drink glass of wine, poured it away, 2 evenings running - very
unusual. 05P 08
Eating more savoury things than usual. 07P 00
Feel hungry but repulsed by food. 07P 01
Savoury food tastes bland, much prefer sweet. 07P 02
Eat meat. 07P 11
Wake thirsty, meal was salty. 07P 13
More thirsty today. 07P 36
Craving ham or egg sandwich, usually I'm vegetarian but do eat fish, I
have eaten more meat recently, generally eaten more and been more physically
lazy. 07P 36
Ravenous hunger when I wake up; I am often hungry in the morning, but it
is much, much worse. 08P 02
I like the sensation of being hungry, not even hungry its empty. 10P 05
I have been feeling hungry but empty but I like this feeling, until I
feel faint then I think I had better eat out of duty, eat out of necessity, I
like this feeling of hunger. 10P 06
Hiccough, Belching, Nausea & Vomiting
When I lay down on the sofa at bedtime I felt nausea as if the room was
swinging. 06P 04
Am feeling queasy and nauseous. 09P 14
Nausea worse for food. 10P 07
Abdomen
Woke to the sound of rain. And then a pain came on suddenly in my lower
abdomen, at first across the whole lower abdomen but then focussed on the right
hand side next
to my hip bone. It was quite an intense cramping pain. Judging by the
position of the pain I thought that it was probably related to the large
intestine and sure enough I passed some flatulence which eventually relieved it
after about 15mins. It was the intensity and fleeting quality that was unusual.
01P 12
Itching around navel lasted through most of the proving. 03P 00
Area all around navel intensely itchy. 03P 02
Stabbing throbbing pain at front centre of pelvis, slightly to the
right. 07P 04
I am feeling a tightness in my lower
abdomen and am aware of a mild discomfort. 09P 13
Skin itching around solar plexus. 10P 03
My left side kidney region hurts. 10P 17
Digestion feels unsettled, bloated, pain in lower abdomen, slight pain
in epigastric region. Have not had this for a long time. 11P 01
Rectum & Stool
Seem to be pooing more often than usual (and therefore more quantity in
day). 01P 04
Stool like sheep' hard and small. 05P 02
Long fart like a pooooof, musty, unashamed. 07P 02
Small hard stools like little golf balls. 07P 07
Stool dry hard balls, straining to get them out. 08P 07
Mildly loose stools, not usual for me. 09P 04
Diarrhoea and cramps in my lower abdomen. 09P 18
Constipated with sore anus. 10P 05
My arse is still sore makes me want to clench it. 10P 06
My arse began to feel as if I had a massive boil just inside it, really
uncomfortable. 10P 08
I realise that I am constipated, I have not passed stool for a few days,
it feels that my bowels have come to a complete halt. 11P 19
Urinary Organs
Organs Frequency of urination is unchanged but when I do have to go it
is sudden and urgent. 12P 00
Male Sexual Organs
Erections have been more often and stronger. 12P 09
Female Sexual Organs
Period has come on with no premenstrual symptoms and have none of the
usual mental symptoms associated with onset of period. 01P 04
My period came and went this week without any symptoms (except fleeting
mild period pain): easiest menstruation I can remember. 01P 07
Surprised I started period which I hadn't sensed coming at all whereas
usually I would. 02P 02
Usually I have a bad first couple of days to my period but today was
fine and I achieved lots of physical things with out cramps. 06P 04
Ache in left ovary whilst menstruating, and top of left thigh. 07P 13
Period has early started, 19 days after previous one, normally much
later. Period pains, discomfort, tender abdomen; I do not normally have period
pains. 08P 06
Period pains in abdomen, drawing pain as if the internal tissues are
drawn inwards. I want something sturdy, that I can hold onto something that
stays in one place, that
I can lean against. 08P 07
Sudden desire for sex after more than a month of no desire whatsoever.
08P 20
Feeling quite full and tight in my uterus area. It is uncomfortable and
I am worried that it will become painful. 09P 05
Menses early, painless, slow. 11P 00
Respiration
Left college with a colleague who was staying with me in her car,
leaving mine behind. Felt very disorientated and 'woozy'. Was sticking my head
out of the window because
I needed the air. 02P 01
Feeling a bit oppressed on my chest tonight as I am lying down. It is as
if there is something heavy resting on my chest, and breathing is difficult.
Not painful 09P 05
Cough
Coughing up phlegm, lumpy, grey. 03P 09
Coughing. Loose.
After a while small amount of thin catarrh comes up. 04P 34
Inner Chest & Lungs
Started coughing a bit chesty with phlegm. Chest feels tight. 03P 05
Sharp, violent pain inferior to ribs, right hand side for few seconds.
Wakes me suddenly from half sleep and cry out with pain. 04P 11 07.30 NS
Very strange sensation in right side of chest, a vibration like very
rapid palpitations, several times. 05P 37
Stitching sharp pain on right side under ribs like a needle has been
pierced deep into my side. Better for holding it tight and carefully drawing
deep breaths which hurts but seems to release it. 11P 22
Heart, Pulse & Circulation
On falling asleep, single palpitation of heart. 07P 06
Empty explosion in heart, feel breathless, breathe into it, pleasant
sensation. 07P 06
On falling asleep, tiny empty explosions in heart, feels good, sleep.
07P 11
Tight restricting pain around my heart and within my chest behind my
heart. Difficult to inhale as this makes the pains worse, shooting pains which
cause me to have to crunch forward to alleviate them. It is not tender to the
touch, but I am worried. 09P 08
Outer Chest
Notice a small red mark on my right breast whilst in shower about 1cm x
0.5cm, rash like and slightly raised. Can't think of anything that caused it.
01P 02 08.15 NS
Sudden sharp penetrating pain in left breast. 03P 32
Had a breast lump and tingling and tightening sensations and a sore throbbing
pain. The knowledge that there might be something wrong with my breast is
plaguing. I am still compulsively checking to see if I can feel anything. 09P
00
Painful when I touch my right lower ribcage. It is tender and sore in
one part, between the ribs, as if I have been prodded hard with something
leaving a bruised spot. 09P 02
As I am lying in bed, I felt a strange sensation in my right breast akin
to the 'let-down' sensation of breast-feeding. It is a filling/tightening
sensation and I feel that there is some change in my breast as I examine it. It
feels fuller and lumpier. 09P 08
I have been feeling a tightness in the area directly above my right
breast. 09P 14
I have extremely itchy armpits. I can't stop itching them. Scratching
them eventually makes the itch subside but I know that the itch is still there
and will be there tomorrow. 09P 30
Lay in the bath breasts very sore thought to my self they feel like two
huge udders. 10P 30
Neck & Back
I have a pain in my neck: right at the very top of my spine, which I
think is from yoga. The irony is that we were working very slowly and
thoughtfully on alignment of the spine and the importance of not over
stretching it! But I think I've pulled something! It hurts as I make certain
movements. 01P 26
My neck pain has eased slightly but hurts when I make a very particular
movement of extending my neck forward: craning my neck. The movement reminds me
of the alert animal craning its neck when its heard a sound to look for danger.
01P 26
Neck very sore, especially on the right as though I've got it wet then
in a draft. 02P 04
Wake feeling very achy in middle of back on the r. hand side below the
ribcage. The location is unusual for me as well as the sensation. It feels
bruised, stiff and sore like I've been still too long and have compressed it by
lying on it. I want to be able to massage it out but can't really reach it.
Think it would be better for going swimming and by being able to move a bout in
the water differently that that would soothe it. 02P 07
Neck ache, stiff, tight, restricting. 05P 03
Tension on root of neck, right side. 06P 02
Tension in upper back. Better for stretching. Feels like it' pulling my
shoulders forward. As if there is a weight on my back. My neck is lengthening
forward and at 60°. 06P 02
Tension in upper back as if head is heavy. 06P 03
Hunched over, no strength in lower back. 07P 36
Lower back is aching right on my coccyx. Think I am going mad because I
thought now I am growing a tail. Bottom of spine felt as though something was
pushing through and extending. 10P 05
I feel a fluttery feeling in my right shoulder near end of my clavicle.
It flutters for several minutes before dying down and then starts again a
little while later. This continues
on and off during the evening. It is not uncomfortable but does grab my
attention. 11P 21
Head and neck very stiff, hard to move it around, need to move whole
body. 12P 01
Stiffness of neck and headaches if I look at anything other than
straight on. 12P 09
Upper Limbs
I have tingling numbness in left hand, < middle and index finger and
at ends of fingers (beyond last joint), though there in all fingers and
slightly in palm too. Pretty constant. Also feels that movement in hand is
restricted; hand feels more comfortable slightly bent and it feels as if
stretching it out and using it is going to be difficult when actually it isn't.
The tingling in my hands swaps from right to left, then back again. Continues
to switch every few hours or so. 01P 08
In class got strange prickly heat sensation, like a nettle rash between
finger nail and end knuckle on left hand fore finger. In a very specific
rectangular area, looks like a burn. Obviously red. > blowing on it. 02P 02
Sudden transient stabbing pain in right elbow. 03P 01
Back of both hands seemed to have developed lots of tiny freckles. 03P
02
Sharp pain in right wrist like I've sprained it. Feels like an injury,
happened overnight, unknown cause. Ext. as an aching sensation up forearm. Ext.
as a pain towards middle finger. Movement exacerbates pain.
Limit movement to avoid pain. 04P 13
Have burnt or injured left hand four times in last few days. 05P 17
Cut finger on right hand. Seem to be injuring my fingers/hands several
times daily. 05P 27
Freckle on left forearm becomes itchy, raised, looks more like a mole,
more small red spots form on left forearm. 07P 05
Notice small circle of psoriasis under left armpit, 1cm in diameter, red
and dry, hurts when it rubs, sore, seems to have evolved from raised spot that
looked like an insect bite. 07P 18
Peeling tips of all my fingers. 07P 51
Numb feeling in hands (thumbs). They feel heavy, as if they don't want
to move or be moved, lifeless, as if there is no blood running through them.
08P 01
Elbows and finger joints sore and stiff. 11P 04
Lower Limbs
Sitting on bench on phone to Mum, ended cross legged. When got up to
move legs don't quite work, stiff, stumble a bit.
Lasts first dozen steps and then OK again. 01P 04 10.30 NS
Knees hurt going upstairs. I had noticed this twice yesterday but hadn't
written in down. Had history of knee problems which have been better for about
2 years. They now only hurt after night dancing or big hilly walk & this
rarely. When they used to hurt all the time & now when they hurt the
modality is always worse for going downstairs or downhill. 01P 05
After getting out of the shower I notice that my right knee isn't
working properly. There's a slight dull pain down the left hand side of the
knee cap (muscle or tendon) but the main thing is that it won't seem to support
my weight properly and so I have to limp. This lasts at least 10 to 15 minutes.
Tidying up after breakfast I squat down to wipe some marks off the cooker and
feel that I can't get up again. I say to my daughter, "I can't get
up" and she comes over and gives me a heave. My son says, "Its like
your really old mum." That's how it felt! 01P 07 07.30
Sudden pain in left knee as depressed clutch at start of journey. Didn't
last. that start of movement thing again. 01P 15
As we walked into town a strange cramp like sensation came on in right
leg, below calf, felt very tight and painful. When sat eating dinner didn't
notice it, so thought it had gone but as soon as got up and left to walk home
noticed it was there again. Worse walking down hill, I wanted to stride out
more like on the flat, to take nice big strides. 02P 01 20.00 NS
Whilst in bath fleeting cramp in left buttock. Cramp in right lower leg
still very strong, and a little in left leg too. Hard to get out of bath cause
legs don't feel like want to work. It feels like the tendons are trying to hang
on. Can't stand on tip toes as where that action would stretch up the back of
the legs is where it hurts. Almost feel like I'm having to waddle a bit like a
penguin because my legs wont 02P 01
Fell down on path to house. Didn't hurt as much as I thought it might,
even though legs went out from under me and fell hard on lower back. Felt like
legs tried to hang on
to the ground but failed. Like my legs slipped forward rather than me
falling backwards. 02P 01
Just under ball of right foot suddenly really itchy. 03P 02
L. foot excruciatingly sore, sharp, lancing cold type of pain never felt
pain like this but at the same time knew it wasn't a Dream: but wasn't really my
pain at all. Went back
to sleep. 03P 03 24.00 NS
Woke to sensation of tightening in left calf. 03P 05
Left calf aching as climbed stairs to go to bed 03P 07
Strange 'loose' feeling in left hip on getting out of bed. 03P 07
Left foot felt as if the skin was slithering off it. 03P 09
Strange sensation in right ankle as if joint slipped and rolling round
as if lubricated with oil no friction whatsoever. 03P 13
Left ankle hurt, sudden stabbing pain didn't continue. 03P 14
Intense aching as if from pressing on a small circular bruise, side of
left foot on the instep. 04P 03
Tiny pinching sensation in left side of calf muscle, right leg, changes
to a bruised sensation, while walking to station. 04P 05
Half woken up by prickly sensation in crease of underside of right big
toe.
Persistent and eventually wakes me up. 04P 06
Legs feel leaden when walking. Feel my buttocks and they feel hard and
heavy, don't feel the right shape. 04P 06
Wake up with strong sensation of cold heat on both knees as I turn over onto
my back. 04P 19
Sudden pain just below crease of right groin. Pulsating pain, localised
to one spot. Intermittent throughout day. 04P 20
Desire to walk in bare feet to feel the cold on the undersides of my
feet. Normally hate having cold feet. After breakfast walk out and stand on the
grass. Feet feel firmly attached to the ground and can feel the cold rising
through the soles. Feels right. 04P 38
Hot sensation in left knee. 05P 27
Tightness in calves and ankles. 06P 01
Tightness at the back of the ankles, Achilles, better for stretching and
pointing my toe. 06P 02
Intense itching in right knee, better for scratching. 07P 14
Itching between toes. 07P 23
Left upper leg, feels very tired. The pain feels hot, aching, drawing,
it comes and goes, wave-like, a bit like contractions: it gets worse and worse
and worse and just as I think it can't get any worse, it goes, ebbs away. Just
above the knee. I would want a hot water bottle against it. 08P 04
Intense itching on inner side of my left knee. Had to scratch hard for
about 5 minutes to get relief. 09P 01
Woke up to an extremely itchy big toe on right foot, as if I have been
bitten. 09P 07
I have a maddeningly itchy right big toe. It is awful and I have to
scratch it so hard I rub the toe hard on the carpet to get friction working, so
much so that the heat burns my toe. 09P 26
Feeling something inside my legs, a tingling aching. 10P 06
Ankles and feet feel very stiff on getting out of bed. 11P 04
After sitting on a chair for 15 mins, when I get up I have pins and
needles in my bottom and icy cold legs and feet. 11P 17
My feet become very sore and ache after only a short time of standing
up. Relieved by lying down with them slightly elevated. 11P 20
Limbs in General
Itching inside left elbow and inside left knee. 07P 27
Rest, Position & Motion
Really strong need to stretch my body, outwards and lengthwise. Legs
outstretched and together, arms backwards and over my head, clasping hands. The
stretch holds me rigid until complete. 09P 02
During meditation found I was swaying backwards and forwards, somehow
different from rocking. 12P 01
Sleep
Wake up early and can't get back to sleep. Have really strong urge to
get up and go for walk. Unlike me: I'm not a morning person usually! 01P 02
06.20 NS
Went to bed and slept very quickly. Feel as if I've not been asleep long
when wake with sudden image of a dinosaur with a long neck eating from a tree.
Quickly fall asleep again and sleep deeply. 01P 02 24.00
Extreme tiredness after lunch. Start to pick up about 4pm when go
outside for a while. 01P 03
Feel really tired so decide to try to sleep for half an hour. Choose to
stay outside and find comfy warm place on kids trampoline relax but don't
sleep. 01P 04 14.30 NS
Slept really deeply, no Dream:s. Easier to wake up and get up than
usual. Wake up still tired but more immediately awake again than usually in
mornings (usually not a morning person, takes ages to really 'come round' in
the mornings) Today I feel awake and ready for the day even though I'm still a
bit tired. I feel glad to be awake and glad to be alive! 01P 04
Go on long walk with dog. Feel like I need a sleep after it. Just want
to lie in the sunshine with the 02P 05
Really tired but it's too early to got to bed! 02P 06
Woke with a jump through whole body. Felt as if I'd fallen off a step,
that is not a far distance at all, but was very shocked. 02P 06
Woke in the night again a few times and enjoyed noticing I still had
plenty of sleep time left! It is odd for me to wake in the night I usually
sleep right through. 02P 10
Waking up repeatedly, maybe 5 or 6 times. Very sudden, almost as if I
wake up and my eyes open wide but it's more like my mind opening wide 04P 02
Woke up suddenly at exactly 04:44 several times. 05P 00
I hit my wife 4 times in my sleep. 05P 03
I have slept badly for about a week. Got about 2 hours sleep tonight.
Restless physically and mentally with abdominal (wind) pains. 05P 25
Alertness, couldn't sleep even though I am exhausted. 06P 01
Difficult falling asleep, feel very much awake, full of life, feel like
laughing and making fun all night. Difficult to switch over to falling asleep.
08P 01
A restless night with many wake-ups. 09P 07
Awake every couple of hours. 11P 03
Partner says I am sleeping more deeply. Not snoring so much. 12P 00
Generals
I seem to be experiencing more symptoms in the mornings. The frequency
and intensity wears off as each day progresses. 01P 00
Tea break. Want to move around, particularly want to stretch out, flap
arms, swing legs, stretch legs out. Can't keep still. 01P 02 16.15 NS
Can't get comfortable at all, very fidgety. Every little ridge or bump
on the cushion seems exaggerated and sticks into me. Feel like the Princess and
the pea. My clothes feel uncomfortable in a similar way.
They're really sticking into me and irritating me e.g. Seams, bra strap.
01P 04
Get strong static electric shock as get off trampoline. Another 1 when
sit on chair in kitchen to write 01P 04
Leave friends house and walk home, really aware of heightened senses
again. Hearing and sight more acute particularly. Aware of all the noises
around me, every bird, every noise e.g. someone hammering somewhere in village.
Sense of sound is very directional, notice where its coming from. Notice small
movements, colours seem very intense. Also smell intensified. Notice smell of
coconut (from shampoo) in bathroom. 01P 04
Feeling very tired suddenly, physically too: limbs feel weak and wobbly.
01P 06 14.30
Clumsy and uncoordinated today. Bump into washing line, drop crisps on
floor. Burn myself on the handle of a pan when I'm cooking. 01P 06
I notice again in yoga a particular stiffness when I try to move from
squat position to standing. I've noticed this a few times now. Otherwise it
feels great to stretch and I particularly enjoy yoga tonight. 01P 11
Was being very clumsy, knocking things over. 02P 01
Wake up with body feeling really heavy and slumped. Lie there feeling
the weight, feels as if it would never move. 04P 06
Sitting is very uncomfortable I want to move. 06P 03
Restless right hand side, legs and hands, better for shaking pen and
leg. 07P 02
Extremely tired; legs, arms, head, eyes are all exhausted. I can't get
up and stay in bed. 08P 15
Feels good to stretch out and back with pressure on the back of my neck
10P 05
Evening, just absolutely done in, knackered. 10P 10
Temperature and Weather
Moving about to stay in the sun whilst on laptop as want to feel it's
warmth on me. 02P 04
Felt like I had a chill right through and feet felt like they were the
weak spots, I'm wearing really thick socks. 02P05
I want to be outside but it is cold. Desire to be outside but I feel the
cold. 08P 03
Desire to be in the sun: have moved into position so my leg is in the
sun. The need to be in the sun is so great that I do not mind being in a
position where I can barely type and I can hardly see on the screen because of
the sunlight. 08P 04
Real need to be warm and held. I am so warm that I sweat, but I don't
want to be cooler. 08P 05
Feel cold all day: want to be in warm sunshine, with a blanket around
me. Worsened from wanting warmth on painful leg. 08P 05
I still feel affected by heat, and am struggling to maintain a good
temperature. I am finding the central heating stifling and oppressive. 09P 13
Skin
Woke up itching all over, scratched and scratched until finally went
back to sleep. This itching persisted on and off for several days. 03P 17
I have a very itchy body, keeping me from going to sleep. 06P 15
Insect bite on left side of neck and on right shoulder blade. Both
insect bites are itchy, raised and red. 07P 25
The scar tissue on the forefinger of my right hand is sore and enlarged.
09P 15
ltching of skin especially on scalp and nose. 11P 00
When I have been sitting for a long time in one position I have an
imprint of the crease from my clothes on my skin, it forms a deep crease which
itches intensely and takes a couple of hours to go away. I usually experience
this when wearing jeans on long car journeys. Last night I had it at night from
lying in bed from creases of bedclothes. 11P 09
Perspiration
I've started wearing deodorant. 07P 31
Very smelly sweat under arms, not much sweat but really smelly. 08P 02
Sensations
Sensation as if a little insect is crawling onto my left calf. Then one
on my right calf. Then one on left upper leg,
then one on my heel and one in my neck. Like individual insects (lice or
flees, or smaller): they don't bite, they walk or creep. 08P 03
Have noticed when lying on my back that it feels as if the bed tilts
down to the right and I feel that I am sliding off it, perhaps into space. Has
happened several times on different beds. 12P 21
Vorwort/Suchen Zeichen/Abkürzungen Impressum