Grows in the rainforest on the Atlantic coast of Costa Rica and southward into Columbia and Ecuador. Attaining a height of up to 100 feet and living over 200 years,
exudes a milk-like sap that is used by the local herbalists to treat indigestion and stomach ulcers.
The sap is also said to taste like cream when fresh and is sometimes used to lighten coffee.
I gathered the specimen on a trip to Costa Rica in 1998 and the proving was done, double blind, with eight provers and eight supervisors from the Five Elements School of Classical Homeopathy from 1998- 1999.
I was especially interested in this tree because of the milk like sap and because, after spending time in the rainforest, I was aware of the interdependence of all of the plants and animals. If one large tree
is cut down, many other species die because of the disturbance of the ecosystem. I hoped that the proving would bring some light onto the need for understanding the interdependence of all living things.
Sample is the fresh sap in 190 proof “Everclear” alcohol. It was gathered from a tree that is approximately 200 years old growing in the Costa Rican rainforest about kilometers south of Dominical on the pacific side of the country. The tree grows on a hillside jungle about 2 kilometers from the ocean. The sample was taken by cutting open the tree with a machete and letting the sap flow into a half filled bottle of the alcohol. It was gathered Sunday March 22, 1998 in the afternoon on a hot, humid, sunny and slightly breezy day. It was during the “El Nino” weather pattern that affected Costa Rican weather very dramatically - creating a very dry and hot summer season.
The sap of the “cow tree” is used by local herbalists to treat indigestion and particularly stomach ulcers.
It is interesting to see the copious amount of white sap that flows from the tree whenever it is cut.
The supervisors recorded symptoms and dreams of the provers for two weeks before the proving and proceeded according to Jeremy Sherr’s proving guidelines.
As soon as the proving began there were a lot of problems. Most of the provers did not want to communicate with their supervisors. There was a lot of secrecy and isolation. One prover locked
Herself in the bathroom when her husband came home from work. The most pervasive symptom was procrastination, lack of motivation and apathy. Unfortunately, the proving extended over
Christmas and spoiled that holiday for a lot of families. One, usually very responsible prover, didn’t put up her tree until the day after Christmas.
Although not officially a proving symptom, it was noted that many of the supervisors had symptoms of procrastination and one student found it so unpleasant to be around the remedy because of the isolation, depression and procrastination, that she buried the remedy in her back yard.
Wanting to escape or retreat, not wanting be bother ed with anything. Apathy
Separation, isolation, hating being married.
Dealing with the world as a front, but I don’t care most of the time.
Not wanting to be bothered. "I'll get to it later."
Desire to be left alone
Difficulty focusing mind
Refuses to speak (answer)
Desire to hide from people
Nose: discharge, sense of smell increased,
Eyes: burning, stinging
Stiffness in neck
Dreams: sex/superhuman/animals-deer/Friends/Flying an airplane
Stomach: pains, burning, sick feeling
Abdomen: gurgling intestines cramping pain
Rectum: constant urging for stool, frequent stool, flatulence,
Antidotes remedy- 2, , 4 (day )
Face, eruptions, pimples 4
Lower limbs- pain, knee ankle feels weak
Sexual desire increased
Prover #1 - 0C
Day 0 (Tuesday, November 16, 1998)
8.20 h. I took the remedy. 8.25 h. I got a sort of headache. (RS) I woke up with a slight feeling of tightness in my forehead (around 8 h.). This feeling was over my whole forehead, but was stronger in the area over my right eye, above the eyebrow. This tension or tightness or pressure increased within 5 minutes of taking the remedy. It wasn't quite at a level that I would describe as painful. I would describe it as persistently annoying. This lasted for a little more than an hour and then it decreased in intensity, but the feeling of tightness was still present. At this level, I noticed it only when I wasn't paying attention to something else.
I didn't notice anything that made it significantly better or worse. Firm but gentle pressure on my forehead or temple helped slightly, but only a little.
This tightness in my forehead is not uncommon for me, but it rarely gets worse. However, I often get headaches similar to this after being in a crowded, stuffy room. The most recent occurrence was
the previous Saturday, after spending all day in a school gymnasium for some dance classes. The headache normally starts with a feeling of tension in my forehead, usually stronger over my left eye.
The headache (when it goes that far) has always been only on the left or significantly stronger on the left side.
Going out into the fresh air helps. If I do this early enough, I can avoid the headache, but once the headache starts, it lasts for an hour or two. The headache often makes my eyes water (l.) (since the
headache is usually left sided). The headache goes from a dull to a sharper, bursting or splitting kind of couple of years.
Dream 1: He drove a beetle while I was in college. He usually took me to the place where I went to college at least for 2 years).
This time I rode with him to a town (my hometown, Germany?) to meet some other old friends of mine (some from school, some from church, some my age, some younger). We had to drive several hundred miles. Started in Northeast of USA, drove south (maybe up to Washington) then west, crossed almost whole US.
When I was there (I don't know how long I had been there already) we decided against going to a restaurant * (We talked about actual places I had been before.) I decided to prepare something to eat
(just snack) and drink. (I did all this in a room I really went to when I was a teenager to meet with girls I went to church with.) I surprised some of my old friends with the snack. Later on I was with
a friend sitting on a bench (with table) near a river.
Somehow I went to a bench where my little sister sat. I could see two other benches with tables from there. One was just across the river. Several of my friends were sitting there. There was a bridge
nearby. One was further up the river. Only the friend I had been with was sitting there. My little sister was complaining don't remember about what. I told her that if I travel all across the US and stay
only for some days, I should be allowed to spend time with my friends. She agreed.
*My two sisters were there as well.
Dream 2: I was standing on top of a parking garage (2 floors above ground, rest underground). There were other people waiting with me for something (a train?). I talked to one woman. She told me where she came from, but I didn't know the town. We waited maybe 10 more minutes. Then what we all had been waiting for had happened. (I don't know what it was, I was still by myself and didn't know the people around me).
The woman I had talked to before had told me and told me again now that her husband apparently had forgotten to pick her up. She was desperate. I had been thinking about offering her a ride, but had
not done it. But she suddenly talked to me like I had made this offer to drive her. So I asked her again where she needed to go. I told her that I didn't know the town and asked her to explain where it was and how to get there. She told me but I did neither know any of the places she described nor the freeways she was mentioning. I wasn't sure about doing it but I went to get my car. I took the shortest way which meant to jump two floors down to street level. During the dream, I had done this several times. The first time without thinking about it at all , no fear. The more I did it the more afraid I became. So when I did it this time, I really was scared but did it. While I was in the air falling, suddenly I was sure to get hurt when I reached the ground by hitting my feet on the curb.
Day 4 (December , 1998):
Neck: heavy, stiff after taking shower, (RS) 11 h. stays for 0 minutes, comes back at 12:30 while sitting on bed.
Low blood pressure, have to hold on to (RS) something and see only black when getting up.
Yeast infection further improving, no discharge, (RS) slight itching.
Feel tired, no dreams.
Day 5 (December 4, 1998): Feel fine, have lots of energy.
Neck: no problems,(AS) only after sitting and studying my usual backpain starts and neck feels stiff, but differently from last days. Stiffness more on sides of neck and in shoulders.
Stiffness along neck while driving caused by holding steering wheel like before, but leaves after I leave car.
Yeast infection, vulva felt hot (AS) and was itching after taking shower, then no itching after 10 minutes.
Slight itching in afternoon.
Very impatient, tired of restricting my diet (no sweets, less carbohydrates, no cappucino) because of yeast infection and proving.
Day (December 5, 1998):
Yeast infection burning during washing, slight itching, and burning during day. No complaints in evening even after having wine and sweets.
Very sensitive to my husband's behavior (i.e. notice that he is very nervous, because he doesn't want to wait any longer (car needs to be repaired). Don't want him to be like that but stay calm and talk to
Him about it instead of getting angry.
Can feel exactly how he feels and why (AS) (usually I just try to understand).
Neck: slight stiffness while driving a car (caused by sitting, turning steering wheel).
Very sensitive to surroundings, cars, people (NS) around me, as if I could feel everything that's going on in class at the Five Elements Center.
When I saw myself at the Center, I would say "Wait, I'm not supposed to be here. I am at my mother in law's having dinner." A curtain would literally rise or close in front of me and I would be seated across from Luciano again. It was as if Luciano was on the curtain. My reference point in the dream never changed. I was in the dream seeing it through my eyes. The dream was in color.
Day 8 (November 23, 1998): It was a multiple dream night. I went to bed at 23.20 h.
Dream 1: a shark swimming along the coast. The commentary was that the shark would swim equal distance from the coast and maintain the distance even when the coastline changed. The next scene is an aerial view looking down on the shark swimming the coastline maintaining the distance. The coastline was shaped in the shape of a shark.
Dream 2: visiting Laura Pedalino and her children in Mendham. I was dreaming, seeing a lot of burgundy and green colors: in wallpaper, on frames, in paintings and furnishings. In the next scene,
I am at Laura's house visiting her. The connection I believe is that these are Laura's decorating colors.
Dream 3: I am on the boat taking a trip. It is very relaxing and peaceful. The weather is warm and sunny.
Dream 4: I am visiting John Gilbert in Stanhope. Things have not changed. He is still very sick. His business is still struggling.
Day 9 (November 24, 1998): I retired at 23.30 h. and rose at 12.30 h. It was a restful sleep with a lot of dreaming activity, however I did not remember any of my dreams.
Day 10 (November 25, 1998): I retired at 23.30 h. and rose at 8 h. I had a restful night's sleep. The dreams were peaceful. There was one dream involving four people which I remember saying to myself
"Remember that dream!" However, my husband woke me this morning and immediately began a conversation. Any distraction first thing in the morning and my dreams are lost.
One image, however, still stands out. It is the image of a beautiful blonde haired woman. She has long straight flowing hair. She is wearing a long, cream soft flowing gown with a low cut front with lace
bordering the edges. The sleeves are short and puffy. She is wearing a wreath of off-white flowers in her hair. There is a glowing light surrounding her. The scene is very peaceful, a feeling as if an angel
is watching over me. Perhaps it is my sister, Lorrie.
Day 11 (November 26, 1998): I went to bed at 23 h. The dream state was active and peaceful. I remember having four dreams.
Dream 1: I was on a boat which was backing into the weeds. This is very unusual because boats belong on the water.
Dream 2: I was travelling on a boat and pulling into a University for a lecture by Barry Ziering, a high school friend. I drove the boat into the Registrar's Office to get the tickets for the lecture.
Dream 3: Now I'm in Seattle, Washington visiting with a friend, Christina Stark at her mom's apartment to put on make-up.
Dream 4: Finally, I found myself in Spain reliving memories of my trip to Spain.
Day 12 (November 27, 1998): I dreamed that I lived in a brick apartment building which was built in the late 1950's or early0's. It was two to three stories tall with a large glass paned area at the front of the building.
I was a tenant living with other people. I felt uncomfortable living there. I wanted to move but I stayed.
Skinheads lived there as well as black people. There were other common white folk living in the building as well. The tension between the skinheads and the black people scared me.
I stayed in the building because I know my energy is needed to offset the racial tension and keep peace.
There are others living in the building for this reason. I work on balancing my energy to be more effective.
Day 13 (November 28, 1998): I went to bed at 12.30 h. I rose at 9.30 h. I've come down with a cold, sniffling and sneezing through the night. I do not remember any dreams.
Day 14 (November 29, 1998): I went to bed at 23 h. and rose at 8.30 h. I have a head cold. I only remember having one dream.
We are on our boat. Jorge is walking around frantically. There is a powerboat to our left side. Jorge is talking to the skipper about boat speeds and distances to ports. I don't really understand what is
happening. Then I look forward and see that the bow is about only one inch above the waterline. This means that the boat is taking on water and we are slowly sinking. I wake up to end the dream.
SEQUENCE OF EVENTS REMEDY IN MY HOUSE BUT NOT ADMINISTERED.
Monday, Nov. 30: Barbara and I talked. Barbara mailed remedy.
Tuesday, Dec. 1: I received remedy and left it on chair in my livingroom.
Wed., Dec. 2: I began arguing with my husband. He has no right to tell me how to live or what to do with assets in my name. Separation is a key element. I sleep in a separate bedroom tonight. I go out for the evening and come home late.
Thurs., Dec.: I'm still not talking with my husband. I am sleeping in a separate bedroom. I caught a virus of sorts. I come home early from work. I vomit then go to bed for awhile. I get up and have some
soup then go back to bed. My husband comes home at 19.30 h. Again, he brings the subject up of what I should do with my rental property to protect us.
Again, I tell him to back off. My decision is made and I want to be left alone. The feeling is separation, isolation and hating being married.
Friday, Dec. 4: I feel physically better but I still am not talking to my husband. I keep my distance. Today, the tears start. I'm emotional. I can't stand my husband and I hate being in an intimate relationship. I just want to be free. I avoid my husband and I sleep in the spare bedroom again. I tell my girlfriend that I hate being married.
Sat., Dec. 5: Jorge tries to break the tension by suggesting we go rake leaves in the morning over at the rental property. We leave at 10 h. and it is starting to rain. On the way over, we drive by a
property which is for sale. It is out of our way but we go anyway. We finally arrive at the rental property but it is still raining so we leave.
We arrive home have a bite to eat and go out to Edison to look at another neighborhood. I keep asking myself why am I doing this if I want to leave him?
We leave Edison and Jorge asks that we stop by the boat to look at it. He wants my opinion of whether the boat smells of gasoline from a spill. I say yes but I sense something is up.
We pull up to the boat and Jorge sees Dave a friend of his. He gets out of the truck and walks over to talk with him. I stay in the truck because it is cold and I have a sore throat. Two or three times Jorge
Yells over for me to get out of the truck to say hi to Dave. I wave to Dave but stay in the truck because I am cold and tired.
When Jorge finishes the conversation, he comes over to the truck and tells me how rude I am for not getting out of the truck. I don't care and I tell him so. Jorge knows from many, many prior conversations that I want nothing to do with the boat this time of year. Now Jorge wants to stay to work on the boat.
That's what I sensed earlier - manipulation to get his way. I say no these were not the terms we came down under. I want to go home.
Jorge was angry but we left. However, I was verbally attacked on the way home. His comments kept getting nastier and nastier until finally I got angry. Now I am crying and screaming back at him.
At one point I demand he stop the car so I can get out and walk. He refuses but the argument has one too far.
He stops two blocks from the house and gives me permission to get out. I walked home, took my car keys and left for the rental property to rake leaves. I raked leaves for three hours to release the anger
and tears. Jorge finally showed up to apologize for his nasty comments. The unfortunate thing is I know he will do it again as soon as he feels he is loosing an argument. I return to the house and sleep in the extra bedroom again.
NOTE: I still have not taken the remedy. I recorded these notes one week after taking the remedy because I saw a pattern emerge.
Wednesday (December 12, 1998): I took the remedy (30C) on Tuesday night, December 8th at 23.15 h. upon retiring to bed.
My dream state was normal. There was no disturbed sleeping patterns. I slept soundly through the night.
My dreams were multiple reviewing the events of Sunday and a conversation I had with a realtor on Tuesday night. My dreams consisted of walking through houses to see the layouts, designs and views.
We had been looking at waterfront and waterview properties on Lake Mohawk in New Jersey. The dreams were peaceful and mellow.
Throughout the morning and day my mood had remained the same: pleasant, mellow, relaxed and quiet.
There was a major mood shift around or p.m. when I became angry and upset with my marriage. I began to emotionally distance myself from the relationship. My husband was out for the evening so
I had the house to myself. I was depressed and crying on and off. My memory was being flooded with hurtful comments my husband has made in the past. I realize how unhappy I am in the marriage.
Thursday, December 10, 1998: I retired at 123 h. on Wednesday evening, Dec. 9th I did not sleep soundly through the night. I woke up at 24 h. when my husband came home and again at a.m. when
he came to bed.
There were multiple dreams. However, the phone rang at 24.20 h. startling me awake and puff.....the dreams were gone.
This was a very emotional day. In the morning, I journaled and cried. It was not hysterical crying, rather it was a sense of mourning. A thought would come along, my eyes would fill up and I would cry. I used a lot of tissues. I wanted to hide from the world.
I did not answer my phone and I went out to do only what I had to do. I decided I hated intimacy as I hated being soon so closely by another. My husband is a perfectionist and super critical.
My self esteem is very low and I am beginning to see why. There are things I have allowed to happen in the relationship, things I have tolerated, things said and done by Jorge.
Jorge came home from work at 11 h. and I ran to the bathroom to hide by taking a shower. I lock the door which is unusual for us. This action shows me how vulnerable I am feeling. I'm still crying and
I don't want him to see.
Jorge is asking me what I want for Christmas and I am talking about separating after the holidays. I'm still crying profusely and I don't want him near me! I leave the house crying. cry on and off all day.
When I return home, I am still crying.
Friday (December 11, 1998): I retire at 23 h. on Thursday evening and rise at a.m. I do not remember my dreams. I leave the house early (8.30 h.) to pick up my niece and her girlfriend to see a
play in New York City. I am not crying today but I am quiet and sad. My girlfriend is with us. She knows how I feel and she allows me to just be.
The play "A Christmas Carol" lifts my spirits a little. I feel as if I am related to Scrooge.
My general feelings today: I feel depressed, I have low energy levels, I lack focus, there is an inability to concentrate, easily distracted, bad memory, misplacing things and lots of crying.
This is unusual behavior for me as I am usually organized and prepared for the holidays. I have maybe two or three gifts bought and I am finding it difficult to motivate myself to shop or even put a gift
Saturday (December 12, 1998):
I retire at 23 h. and rise at a.m. I do not remember my dreams.
Today I have my homeopathy class. I am still quiet and down but I feel relieved that I do not have to spend the day with my husband.
In class, studying Miasmas and I discover that Humanity is sicker than I thought originally. I am part of humanity so that includes me! Now I am really depressed. Thank God I am not crying in class.
I am having difficulty focusing on the subject matter in class. I don't know if it is me or the subject matter.
I arrive home at:30 p.m. and I feel safe so I start crying again. My husband is out for the evening at a Christmas party. I call my sister and before long I am crying to her.
I have to decide if I want to stay in this marriage or leave but nothing is making sense right now. I can't stop the tears.
Sunday (December 12, 1998): I retire at 22.30 h. I wake up at 1.20 h. when I hear Jorge come home from the Christmas party. I fall back to sleep and rise at:30 a.m. No dreams are remembered.
I realize that even journaling for the proving has become a struggle as I have difficulty focusing and concentrating. I'm back in class today. The mental stimulation is good for me as it keeps my mind
off the emotional issues.
Driving home from class, I feel tired. I arrive home and my husband has dinner cooked. This is a relief because I did not want to cook. Jorge suggests that we decorate the Christmas tree together as he sees how I'm struggling with the holiday season this year.
While we are decorating the tree, he asks for a hug and it is the first time in five days since I let him touch me. It is a quiet, peaceful night between Jorge and myself. We decorate the tree then watch television together.
Monday (December 14, 1998):
I retire at 23 h. reading for awhile. I rise at 8 h. It was a very restful night of sleep. I do not remember my dreams.
After Jorge leaves for work, I make phone calls and do paper work. I am still having trouble staying focused. For example, I go upstairs and I leave something downstairs that I need upstairs. Half
of my time is spent retracing my footsteps.
I try to do some holiday shopping and I get confused. The process of decision making is slow and painful.
Finally, a sales person helps me. I am uncertain a
s to whether my sister in law will like what I picked out.
It took 2 to 21/2 hours to make the selection.
I am tired so I return home and cook dinner. It is a quiet night for Jorge and myself. We are friendly with each other.
Tuesday (December 15, 1998):
I retire at 10:30 p.m. and read for a while. I rise at a.m. I do not remember my dreams. I try journaling and find I am having problems concentrating.
Jorge suggests that I visit his store to look for some gifts. He gets a good discount and it might make holiday shopping easier for me this year. I reject the idea at first. He leaves for work and I realize
he is right. I call to tell him I'll be up later.
I spend 2 hours looking and complete a large part of the shopping for the men in the family. What a relief!
I go to work with the intention of trying to shop a gain later in the evening but the energy and mood is low so I return home. I cook dinner. The night is quiet and peaceful for us both. All is well. I turn
On Christmas Carols for the first time this holiday season. Usually, I begin listening to them after Thanksgiving.
As I retire to bed, I notice pimples starting to break out on my face. I never get pimples. Oh well, just another thing to be happy about.
Wednesday (December 16, 1998): I retire at 23 h. and rise at 8 h. I do not remember my dreams.
I look in the mirror and there are eight pimples on my face of varying depth and sizes. I feel as if I am living through puberty again; strong emotional states, pimples which I seldom if ever get. It's as if
I am going through a major hormonal imbalance.
I go to work and finish by p.m. After work, I am shopping. I see someone I know in the store and quickly hide behind some racks so they don't see me. I just don't feel like talking to anyone. I buy
one gift and attempt to look for another but I get confused so I quit and go home.
Jorge comes home and starts probing me on my prior relationships, specifically John. He refuses to let up and I refuse to answer. Next, we are screaming at each other. I just want to be left alone and
he won't back off. He wants to know what John did right that he is not doing. I refuse to answer because Jorge takes information and uses it against the person later. We do not talk for the rest of the evening. Jorge stays in the den and I stay in the kitchen.
Thurs., (December 17, 1998):
I retire at my normal time 23 h. and rise at a.m. I do not remember my dreams. Jorge leaves for work by a.m. As soon as Jorge leaves I am back to crying again. Where are all the tears coming from?
I am having flashbacks of some of the nice things John said or did.
There is difficulty in focusing and centering my attention. I lack motivation and all tasks take much long to perform.
I leave the house shortly before noon for some Christmas shopping. I know I am over buying but I don't care. I just want to finish the job.
I go to work and finish by 17 h. I have no desire to shop so I return home to cook dinner.
I am in a fair mood this evening. Thank God there are no tears. I try to firm up some gift ideas by making a few phone calls.
I still am having difficulty making decisions.
Friday, (December 18, 1998): I retire at 23.30 h. to read. I rise at :30 a.m. I do not remember my dreams. I try journaling but it is difficult. I lack focus; there is difficulty concentrating.
Jorge has off today. We are pleasant with each other. We separate to go in different directions today.
I shop and find I am still having problems making choices. I buy what I can and return home.
I volunteer to spend time with Jorge going to his mother's and aunt's houses to put trees in stands.
It is a peaceful night. We are home by 22 h. We watch some television before retiring.
Saturday, (December 19, 1998): I retire at 23.30 h. and rise around 8 8. I do not remember my dreams.
Jorge comes downstairs and within 20 to 0 minutes, we are arguing. "How can you be so nice yesterday and so cold and distant today? What is going on?" He wants to know.
I go upstairs and lock myself in the bathroom to take a shower. While I am in the shower, I am crying profusely. I dry my eyes and my body. When I come out of the bathroom, Jorge wants to know if
I am still going to keep our appointment with the realtor to look at homes in Lake Mohawk as well as go to the Christmas party tonight. My answer is simple...yes.
Jorge and I spend another four hours arguing and distancing from each other. Finally, at 24.30 h. he saw that I was dressed and ready to leave. Again, he asked why are we looking at properties if we are
not going to stay together and why are we going to the Christmas party?
I was really fed up with this circular conversation. If he did not want to go he should he said so last night at 21.30 h. when I confirmed the appointment with the realtor.
My answer to Jorge was "I am going to see the properties with or without you. Perhaps there is one I can afford on my own. As for the Christmas party, it is your church and your friends. If you do not want me to go I will not go. If you want m to go I will BUT I will not discuss our problems with you or with any one else.
I will be polite, civil and social but I refuse to have you psycho-analyze me all day." By now I know I was barely hanging onto this relationship. I wanted the holidays to be over so I could move out.
We kept the realtor's appointment and the dinner date. Every time Jorge brought our relationship up to discuss or analyze, I would start crying and refuse to talk. My only comment was let's get through the holidays and then separate.
The Christmas party was fair. There were other peo ple to talk with so I ignored Jorge. The focus was no longer on me and I did not cry. The ride home was long and quiet. We slept in the same bed but there was tension and a pillow between us.
Sunday, December 20, 1998: I retire at 1 h. and rise at 8.30 h. It is not long before Jorge and I are arguing again. I can't focus on anything and I just want to be left alone. I would leave but my car
still is not fixed. To leave I would have to take Jorge's car. I feel trapped. I am crying again and I still refuse to talk with Jorge. When I do talk, I am shouting and screaming while crying. Then my throat dries up and I am hoarse and I begin coughing. I am angry. Jorge is always pushing for what he wants. I think he is beginning to realize that I don't care if we separate or stay together.
He leaves the house by 11.30 h. saying he is giving me time to myself. He does not return home until after 20 h. I do nothing all day. I move from bed to bed taking little cat naps. I start crying long
and hard and I can't seem to stop the tears so they just flow. I can't stand my own company. I just want to run away and travel. Travel is so good for my soul. It soothes me and restores balance to my emotions and mind. I feel free and alive when travelling.
I remember telling my sister-in-law and mother-in-law that I would help decorate their tree. I never show up and I never call to cancel. I just don't care.
I want the holidays to be over so I can move on with my life.
I take a bubble bath in candlelight with soft music on to relax. There I go again crying. By the time evening comes my eyes are red and swollen from crying and I am very tired. When will this all end?
I can't stand the pain I am in. It is all emotional pain.
Lying in bed I ask myself if I have ever felt this way before. Yes, in 1995 when my mother and my sister died 10 months apart. There was cause for the emotional pain then but why all of the pain now.
I don't know.
Monday, December 21, 1998: I go to bed at 23.30 h. from exhaustion and rise at 8 h. I do not remember my dreams. It is not long before I realize this is going to be another tearful day. I don't have
time for this. I have to work and finish my holiday shopping. At 9.15 h., I remember I have Ignatius amara in the house. I refuse to let this depression consume me anymore. I take a dose of 1M, Ignatius amara. I go to work and I am still crying but by 24 h., I am angrily shouting at myself "Stop this! You've cried enough! No more!" I repeated this every time the tears came. I felt as if I was struggling to take charge of my life for the first time in a long while.
I finished working and went out shopping at several stores. I was tired, sluggish and weepy throughout the day but the emotional pain seemed to ease.
I was home by 20 h. I made one or two phone calls to clarify gift ideas. Tomorrow would be my last day of shopping. Hell or high water it was over.
Tuesday, December 22, 1998: I go to bed at 23.30 h. because I have had a busy day. I rise at :45 h. I do not remember my dreams.
I start the day by making a list of all I have to do today: phone calls, work, shopping. I get a little weepy and I see that I am still struggling with getting organized. I take another does of 1M Ignatius amara at 9 h. By 10 h., I call my mother-in-law to verify gift ideas and sizes. She comments that for someone who is down and not in the spirit of things, my gift ideas were good and that I sounded better. I thanked her.
I left the house at 10.30 h. to shop. I bought a few things then I went to work. After work, I went shopping again. I purchased my last gift by p.m. Thank God! I was home by 20 h. feeling good about
myself and the day. The shopping was over. There was only one gift I was uncertain of. It did not feel like the right gift for this person.
Jorge and I ate dinner together at about 21 h. I had Christmas carols playing. After dinner, I began boxing the gifts to prepare wrapping them. All was pleasant without any effort on my part.
Wednesday, December 23, 1998: I went to bed at 12.45 h. and rose at :30 a.m. I do not remember my dreams.
Jorge rises early too. He has the day off and assumes that I have off as well, but I am working. Before I leave, we put a list together of additional gifts for him to pick up. At 9.40 h., we are headed out
to Costco's to search for items. This is Jorge's first visit to the store. He decides he likes it and he will return later. I find a cashmere sweater for Jorge's cousin.
We return home and I leave for work. I feel as if I have more energy today. There are no tears and Jorge and I are getting along today.
I arrive back home by 17 h. I fix a quick dinner then begin boxing gifts. I spend the evening wrapping gifts. I feel relaxed but not down or depressed.
The evening is peaceful between Jorge and myself.
Jorge helps to wrap some of the gifts. The conversation is relaxed and easy between the two of us.
By 12 h., I am tired. I know I have a busy day tomorrow so I go to bed while Jorge stays up to watch television.
Thursday, December 24, 1998: I retire at 12 a.m. and rise at a.m. I do not remember my dreams. I wake up preoccupied with the list of things I have to do today. It is Christmas Eve and I am having
a dinner party. I am very relaxed and mellow. I make up my food list and list of errands. Jorge is up. I help him get off to work. I leave at 9.30 h. to go to the supermarket. I do a few other errands before returning home. I put the food away, tidy up the house and vacuum.
My sister will be over by 14 h. to help out. I prepare the meat then start wrapping gifts again. There are still many gifts to wrap. I notice how peaceful and relaxed I am yet I am very organized and efficient in my actions. I am moving through the day knowing everything will get done on time.
Liz arrives at 14 h. and finds me wrapping gifts. She starts to panic and I find myself saying relax, it will all get done.
Now we are wrapping together and chatting. I comment on all the other things I still have to do and Liz says "Look at you; you are so calm. How could you be so calm. I would be a wreck." I just smiled.
I was calm, peaceful and effective throughout the day. Everything was done on time. Jorge came home with more gifts to wrap for his family. He was anxious. He planned to go to his aunt's house while I stayed home with my family. His tension did not disturb my calm.
The evening was a great success. Everyone had an enjoyable evening. Most of all I was grateful for the depression lifting. My sister and my close friend, Sharon, noticed that my depression had lifted.
It felt good not to be crying but to be able to organize my time, focus and follow through.
Everyone left by 1 a.m. except my sister who was spending the night. We stayed up chatting till 1.30 h. When she retired, I chatted with Jorge until 2.15 h. then we retired.
Friday, December 25, 1998: I retired at 2.15 h. and woke up at 8.45 h. I do not remember my dreams.
It was Christmas Day. I start the coffee and my sister came downstairs. We chatted until 9.45 h. when Jorge came downstairs. By 10 h., we are opening gifts. I am still distancing myself from Jorge
somewhat. I feel estranged from him.
My sister leaves for my father's house by 11.15 h. Jorge and I leave for his mother's house by 11.50 h. Our schedule is relaxed and peaceful for a change. There is no rushing or running trying to see
so many people in one morning. We are the first to arrive. We have coffee and a bite to eat. By 13 h., we are opening gifts again. At some point, my mother-in-law comments that my mood seems to be better. I agree and tell her I am grateful. By 14 h., we leave for Jorge's aunt's house to join five other people for dinner. There will be 11 people dining in total. There is much laughing and merriment.
The company is pleasant and the food is great. Jorge and I arrive home by 20.30 h. We start a fire and relax. He thanks me for pulling out of the depressed state in time to enjoy the holidays. I have not cried since Tuesday, and I am very relieved. I feel peaceful and relaxed. We end the evening at 23.30 h.
Saturday, December 26, 1998: I retired at 23.30 h. and rise at about :30 a.m. I do not remember my dreams. After some tea, Jorge and I go to a small cafe for breakfast. It is a pleasant morning.
Once home, we tidy up the living room and dining room organizing the gifts. Throughout the day, we try using different gifts. It is a casual relaxed day.
We stay at home with no major plans. I read a little, watch some television, and take a nap. The big event is cooking dinner. It feels great to just relax for a day. Things are peaceful between Jorge
and myself. There is no tension; no arguing.
Sunday, December 27, 1998: I retire at 22.30 h. to read for awhile. I rise at :30 a.m. I do not remember my dreams. It is a relaxing morning. Jorge and I have breakfast together. We then browse
through the newspaper.
At some point during the day, we sort through our Christmas gifts to decide what we will keep and what we will return. I will spend part of the week returning things.
The day is peaceful and uneventful. Jorge and I are getting along. Again, he states he is grateful that my depression has lifted in time to enjoy the holidays. He says I am more peaceful and pleasant to
be around. I am very happy that I am not crying. I cook a nice dinner. We eat around:30 p.m. We watch some television then we retire early.
Monday, December 28, 1998: I retire at 23 h. and rise at :30 a.m. I do not remember my dreams.
Jorge rises about 8 h. I prepare his breakfast and lunch helping him to stay on schedule for work.
He leaves by 9 h. I read then journal.
By 11 h., I am arranging my errands: What is to be returned, what to buy. I have lunch with my friend and we spend time shopping. It is a fun day and be fore we know it is over.
I return home to fix dinner and spend the evening watching television with Jorge. I realize that I am happy and smiling once again. I feel as if I am getting back to my normal self. It feels good.
̨Prover #5 (12C):
Weeks before remedy:
November 20, 1998:
Dream 1: Wife and Ed somewhere at party function - probably with family - cousin was there with kids and was wearing a dress to small. Like a Barbie outfit that was picked from trash.
Dream 2: was at work and everyone was bugging me and I was annoyed - bothered - this dream and previous one was very realistic. Went to bed thinking about work.
November 21, 1998: Nothing.
November 22, 1998: Nothing.
November 23, 1998: Dream 1: Went to work, had check in mailbox - opened and it was a large check with a promotion - showed it to wife and she shrugged and said it wasn't enough - check was for $32K – woke up in a bad mood.
November 24, 25, 26: Nothing.
November 27 - December 1: Nothing.
December 2, 1998: Took remedy – 21 h./acid nasal drip all day.
December , 1998: Day One - woke up with sore throat, dry in back of throat - probably from nasal drip - old symptom for me/no dreams last night.
December 4, 1998: Nasal drip.
December 5, 1998: Nasal drip - much better today/no dreams.
December, 1998: Yesterday had numb fingers for one hour - nothing to report since last entry (12/5)
Prover #6 (30C):
Day 0 (December 12, 1998):
10 h. Flatulence and passing of stool, gurgling intestines, ache in epigastrium region. Constant urge to stool; very tired.
Day 1 (December 13, 1998): Dizzy, full forehead upper face down to cheeks, felt like I was getting sick (the cold or flu), leg pain in lower left leg. I have had a slight pain here, this night it ached pretty bad, sensitive teeth. Early morning had a good feeling.
Taste seems off, some things taste very acid.
Day 2 (December 14, 1998): Slight running right nostril. Teeth sensitive when chewing, pain in lower left leg. Very tired as if from much work and exercise.
December 20, 1998: (Dream) I went to work for a lawyer and Brooke, my daughter, drove me there. She was listening to a walkman.
I was happy to be working for the tall good looking lawyer I had seen around. He had a beautiful head of neatly cut, salt and pepper hair and nice glasses with a handsome top coat.
He asked me at some point to get some information.
There were 2 phones - a French style and an old fashioned answering machine. I tried to use the answering machine. He came in and said I had to use the French phone to get an outside line. I did and
Then he sent me on an errand to buy a few things.
Before this as I completed the project and as I wondered what his love life was like, a thin older looking dull blond came in. She asked if I wrote out the Christmas cards, I said no. They said there were about 120.
Then I went shopping. After I bought what I needed, I met him and his woman and asked how I should get the goods back to his apartment. He said go back to the store, get a cart and cross the shallow.
and take the little girl too. So I got my package and took the 2 little girls and crossed the (swail?) in the cart just as it was filling with water. When I got to the other side, I realized I would have to take
the girls to the apartment first and then go back for the packages.
After I got them to the apartment, I went back to get the packages. They were setting up an outside café and gave the package to the main restaurant. The main restaurant gave it to the main office.
A young woman and some other women walked over with me to meet the woman in charge who had the packages.
The young woman manipulated a clock/electronic dooropener to get us in. We walked into a meeting room and the meeting began. During the meeting, my packages were discussed and some revelation
about my situation made me say out loud "Oh shit".
I was then embarrassed as everyone turned to look at me. I thought I am in big trouble now.
After the meeting. January 5, 1999: Itching anus, hot flash on awakening, lasted -5 minutes, angle (L) feels weak. Some symptoms felt briefly on various days. Pain in the epigastrium, aching from ankle to knee, patellar pain both knees especially left.
January, 1999: Ankle (left) feels very weak, only last about 5 minutes (the time I step out front door and step off the porch and walk to the car).
I get a hot flash when I think of something I have to do or worry about one of my children.
I feel pain in my head that wanders side to side.
I feel it on the left then feel it on the right, feel it in forehead, feel it toward back of head at neck. Stinky flatus.
January , 1999: Light abdominal cramping, 1 normal BM, 1 hour later - loose BM.
January 14, 1999: Felt like I was going to have diarrhea. Grumbling and flatulence in abdomen, dry throat, cracked lip, upper left lip, large stools; but flash after a few sips of hot drink.
January 15, 1999: Awakened with fuzzy throat and runny nose, hot flash in bed, dry cough.
January 16, 1999: Brooke and Luc are deciding what to do. She mentioned thinking about moving to New York to be around her friends like Katie and Fran. I will miss her (Rachelle) very much. Just thinking about not seeing her makes me cry. I woke up this morning with my throat feeling full and feeling like I wouldn't be able to speak but my voice is just a little bit weak. Still smoking. Woke up 5.45 h.
Throughout the morning and day my mood had remained the same: pleasant, mellow, relaxed and quiet.
Prover #7 (12C):
Day 0 (December 26, 1998): Interview -. History including family history.
Remedy: 11.30 h. pellets, sublingual, empty stomach - 12C
Ate: 14 – 16 h. pavilion party for Ben and Mickey Duval. Ate crabmeat, fresh cut up fruit (cantaloupe, watermelon, honeydew, grapes, uncooked raw veggies, water, two stoned wheat crackers, and
a tough peanut butter (?) cake with frosting.
Ate: at the Queen's at :30 p.m.
Note: Mistake: Altoid mint (forgot!) Mom said "your breath is bad!" Never thought about this proving because the Madame said my breath was bad. Had used only horneodent toothpaste.
Dinner: Stoned crab, fresh, with mustard, mayonnaise dressing, fresh lettuce, basil, romaine lettuce, oil and vinegar dressing, Japanese (delicate) cookies.
Since I "blew it" with Altoid mint earlier, I had 1/2 cup decafe, small vodka. To bed 23.15 h. - felt fine - no symptoms except ringing in both ears since p.m.
Day 1 (December 27, 1998): Hotel room, Bonita Beach. Two voidings during the night, time unknown, probably 2 h. and 4 h. or per previous experience.
Awoke a.m. - feel fine. No dream, but sexual stirring. Tinnitus (ringing in ears) persists, provoked by some ingestion 12/26.
Remedy taken: 2nd, pellets, 12C, sublingual (under the tongue), or:10 h.
Note: Will take no alcohol, no coffee, no Altoid mints today.
Plan: drive to Kissimmee airport (Orlando) with MJP
K and Zachary, A. Hugo K., and Austin, and Edward Tuckerman Lincoln to Warbird Museum to fly in B25 Mitchell bomber.
Leave in car at 8.30 h. 21/2 - 3+ hour drive to Kissimmee airport. It turned out to be hours and 20 minutes.
Breakfast (Hotel): Cut up orange slices - a.m./7.30 h. cereal with raisins, milk. OJ, 1 doughnut, banana.
(13 h. flew and landed B1 Mitchell bomber) 1st time in 53 years.
Lunch on the road :30 p.m., hamburger, milk shake, onion, tomato, lettuce, cheese.
Dinner O Sole Mio Restaurant. Grooper for dinner, no wine, no mints. Good salad and veggies. To bed 23.30 h. Felt nothing unusual all day that I recall.
Day 2 (December 28, 1998): rd dose of "X"....Awoke 2 x's in night, voided, no dream that I recall.
Took pellets 12 C of proving at :30 a.m.. Up right after. Unusual long sleep time for me, usually at 5.45 h. I awoke at :05 a.m. with unusual amorous reactions (at my age). Madame sound asleep.
Is it BetaSilusterrols, Pygeum Africanum, Lycopenes in "Prostate Health" of Country Life? No coffee. Breakfast, cereal and milk, no mints, melon, grapes, toast and marmalade.
Whole day very busy. Felt very well. Warm day. Perspired a good deal, out in the sun with exercise.
Pizza with cheese for lunch and chocolate milk shake.
Dinner, very poor restaurant in Old Naples. "Tin City" Lobster in a basket french fries, cole slaw, thirsty at home, drank a lot of water after dinner. Felt fine and nothing unusual.
Impression: If on proving, with placebo control, I'm on a placebo.
Review of Systems (ROS) Essentially nothing new to report for day 2.
Day (December 29, 1998): Have had doses of 12C of "X" pellets. No more taken.
Awoke about a.m. - after restful night. No dream recall on awakening. No symptoms that I am aware of different from before Day O.
ROS after end of day. (Very busy and away from the AmericInn where we were staying. Leave AmericInn now for Tarpon Cove since the MTPK's are leaving (left) for Chicago due to bad weather
approaching in 2 days - and, Claire spastic, if she doesn't get to New Years Eve party at home, the 1st! Must be there.
Head normal, eyes normal, ears, nose, throat normal - no tinnitus - on awakening, that I had had 12/28 and forgot about. Hearing fine.
Smell sense poor as usual, when a great deal of clear mucus discharge (allergies). Mouth, gums, teeth - normal, taste unchanged ok.
Respiratory normal, clear my throat more than at home and more mucus. It is aspergillus allergy in Florida.
Cardiac - No arraythmias noted today.
Genitourinary- Unchanged, essentially - up twice at night to void. Right back to sleep after. Gastro
Intestinal unchanged. Good digestion. Elimination
1-2 x's/day - including today.
Skin normal, joints and spine minor stiffness in the a.m. and if sit too long.
Do not remember a dream at 1st but I don't ordinarily pay any attention to them since they've always been pleasant if I do have a recall.
I 'm tired today to think hard, to recall, but come up blank.
Everyone to Tarpon Yacht club for dinner with everyone. Chilly - too much A/C. I had Perrier. Had a "taste" of a Merlot and left it before dinner.
Very happy time. Felt a bit tired. Ready for bed earlier than usual.
Day 4 (December 0, 1998): Tarpon Cove (Went to Tarpon Cove Club House for a meal at dinner.)
Recall of the day later.
Day - on arising - awoke with a dream - as I sometimes do, with good recall, and this was about flying. I was talking to Tom Reilly, the Warbird Museum, exploring why I had gone up 100' off
altitude of 1300' - that "thermals" were the reason (I have been told to fly 12/28 at 1300', and Tom Reilly x's in 1/2 hour said "watch your altitude".) I was obviously giving him an excuse why I wasn't reading 1300' on the altimeter and, I guess reliving yesterday's flight.
Unusual in that I don't ordinarily or, maybe very rarely, relive a day before experience - but it was especially vivid.
Felt fine all day. Nothing unusual that I recall.
Worked all day - hanging pictures, setting up phones, there are in the Tarpon Cove. Couldn't figure out the fax machine and answering machine and phone in TV room. Frustrating.
Felt fine all day and had slept well. Nothing to report other than the above.
Day 5 (December 1, 1998): Eve of New Year's Day.
went to Persian Restaurant and to movie. Life is beautiful! Italian subtitle. Superb!
I did not recall any dream or awakened at a.m. Had had a great sleep but, up x's during the night to void and right back to sleep. Thought about the "proving" later in the day because of lack of any change from my usual awareness of my body which boils down to (1) stiffness with immobility (2) rectification with motion (better on movement) (3) cardiac flip and flops , or tachycardia, and
(3) and (4) relate to allergies - delayed sensitivities to caffeine, too hurried anticipation (dead lines).
(1) and (4) aches, stiffness seems to relate to tomatoes and their products, peppers, I get achy in proximal thumb joints x days after exposure. I eat the bunch anyway but use catsup, relish by far, than
used to eat.
Ran through ROS's - nothing new.
Day (January 1, 1999): 5 h. awoke with slight headache, and quite gasey, loose bowels.
No dream recall, that I'm certain of, when awoke again at about:20 a.m.
During the day, more BM's, small amount of flatulence. Fortunately, by evening all okay. Did errands stores(some) were open! (Target, Walgreens's).
Nothing unusual all day except gastro intestinal track - but didn't feel toxic in any degree.
Busy day as usual, with usual adequate sustained energy.
Day (January 2, 1999): In Florida until 1/5. ROS Head normal, eyes normal, ears, nose, throat normal. Mouth, gums, teeth normal, swallowing normal, gastro intestinal no changes. All working
well. Getting all chores done in Tarpon and Crossigs - Finish later.
1/3 Genitourinary, up to void early a.m. Skin normal. Joints and spine all ok. A little proximal thumb joint soreness on gripping or pressing on the area - allergy to tomato, pepper, I believe not new.
Extremities and feet, ok. Cardiac normal, respiratory normal, Central nervous system no change. Started packing a little for early 1/5 getaway.
January 4, 1999: A.M.: ROS unchanged, I believe.
Feel fine. Weather colder - glad the children and grandchildren got away with excellent weather - clouding up a bit.
Packed car in the evening and put on the Sears container top of Jeep.
P.M. ROS - nothing new to report or changed. I would still feel I was on placebo because I can't recall any change in dream recall, which is sporadic - but, more times then not, I awoke with coming out of a dream.
This is the norm for me.
February 1, 1999: Long lapse - due to preoccupation with practice and CUIM etc.
Programmed a dream this evening to make a decision regarding whether or not a doctor patient with cancer should have chest surgery to remove his pleura in each chest because of metasteses from
cancer that have shown up on CAT scan - new - and spread from nasopharyngeal cavity to his left chest? right?
A small pleural effufion in the left chest.
I awoke 2/1 4:50 h. and came out of a dream which was vividly recalled and my answer was "go for the surgery". I called and left a message on his answering machine that I had an answer for him.
at :45 a.m. I do not remember my dreams.
As soon as the proving began there were many problems. Most of the provers did not want to communicate with their supervisors. There was a lot of secrecy and isolation.
One prover locked herself in the bathroom when her husband came home from work.
The most pervasive symptom was procrastination, lack of motivation and apathy. Proving extended over Christmas and spoiled it for a lot of families (a prover, didn’t put up her tree until the day after Christmas).
Noted: many of the supervisors had symptoms of procrastination and one student found it so unpleasant to be around the remedy because of the isolation/depression/procrastination, that she buried the remedy in her back yard.
Wanting to escape or retreat, not wanting be bothered with anything. Apathy
Separation, isolation, hating being married.
Dealing with the world as a front, but I don’t care most of the time.
just not wanting to be bothered. "I'll get to it later“.
Desire to be left alone
Difficulty focusing mind,
Refuses to speak (answer)
Desire to hide from people
Vertigo: im Allgemeinen
Eyes: burning, stinging,
sense of smell increased,
Face: eruptions, pimples
Stiffness in neck
Stomach: pains, burning, sick feeling
Abdomen: gurgling intestines, cramping pain
Rectum: constant urging for stool, requent stool, flatulence
Sexual desire: increased
Lower limbs: pain, knee, ankle feels weak
Dreams: sex, superhuman, animals-deer, friends, flying an airplane
Allerlei: Gathered Sunday March 22, 1998 in the afternoon on a hot, humid, sunny and slightly breezy day. It was during the “El Nino” weather pattern that affected Costa Rica dramatically (summer season DRY and HOT).
Ursprung: rainforest on the Atlantic coast of Costa Rica and southward into Columbia and Ecuador.
Phytologie: indigestion/stomach ulcers.
Sap is said to taste like cream when fresh and is sometimes used to lighten coffee.