Towards an integrated methodology: C4, Sherr and Dream provings of Protea cynaroides

http://ir.dut.ac.za/bitstream/handle/10321/670/Goote_2011.pdf?sequence=1

http://ir.dut.ac.za/handle/10321/670

[Izel Botha]

The aim of this study was to compare the most commonly employed proving methodologies, the C4 trituration, the Sherr and the Dream proving methodology, by application in order to ascertain the validity of the claims made in terms of the efficiency of the method to elicit reproducible symptoms. This study sought to follow the existing methodologies exactly as set out by the original developers with the aim of developing an integrated methodology. The order in which the three groups were assigned followed a logical sequence that ensured that the maximum efficiency would be obtained, and that the blinding process would not be compromised.

The claims were investigated based on the hypotheses proving symptoms are reproducible when applying identical proving methodologies in consecutive years, that different methodologies yield different No.s, types and quality symptoms, that differences exist between the symptoms yielded by the placebo and the verum groups within the same methodology, and that an integrated methodology could be developed based on the study of the relative efficiency of the respective methodologies.

The rubrics produced in each group were statistically analysed. The results reflected a reasonable level of reproducibility, proving the first hypothesis, but highlighted the fact that different provers would result in different symptoms due to their individual susceptibility and sensitivity to the proving substance. This effectively proved the hypothesis that the proving effect was reproducible in consecutive years through the application of the same methodology.

The result of the data collection was the formulation of 1.373 rubrics utilised for analysis purposes, resulting in 881 verified rubrics, that comprise the repertory for Protea cynaroides. From the data,

it was evident that the C4 trituration and the Sherr proving methodologies yield the most rubrics. Not only do they yield a large No. of rubrics, but they also yield a much larger No. of rubrics than produced by the placebo portion of the Sherr proving methodology. In the Dream proving methodology group there is much less rubrics present at each rubric level than yielded by the C4 trituration and the Sherr proving methodologies. Strong chapter affinities were observable when applying the C4 and Sherr proving methodologies. The C4 methodology seem to favour the chapters dealing with the senses, evident in the Ear, Eye, Hearing, Mouth, Nose, Skin and Vision chapters where the C4 rubrics were more prevalent than the Sherr rubrics. The Sherr methodology was evident in the remainder of the chapters, indicating the wide applicability of this methodology. This proved the hypothesis that some proving methodologies are more effective than others.

The hypothesis of difference between the placebo and verum groups within the Sherr proving methodology was proven as it was evident in the No. of rubrics produced by each section. The verum portion elicited 63% of the total rubrics compared to the placebo portion which only elicited 28%. Placebo provers thus elicit fewer symptoms during the proving process than verum provers, demonstrating that homoeopathic drug provings are not a placebo response, but that the administration of the medicine results in the development of clearly observable symptoms in the participants.

As originally assumed, the proving did produce clearly observable symptoms in healthy provers. The symptoms gathered through the application of the methodologies were also comprehensive enough to develop a complete materia medica and repertory for Protea cynaroides.

CONCLUSION

From the data presented in the study, one can thus conclude that in order to elicit symptoms representing all 38 chapters present in the Protea cynaroides proving, the C4 trituration proving and the Sherr proving methodologies would have to be combined. Although Group two is able to elicit the majority of symptoms, it would be even more effective when it is combined with the C4 proving methodology, hence leading to the development of an integrated methodology combining these methods, proving the final hypothesis. The suggested integrated methodology thus comprises of firstly conducting a C4 trituration proving using at least 10 predominantly experienced C4 provers. This proving would serve to highlight the major themes. These themes can then be confirmed through secondly conducting a proving according to the Sherr methodology, in a group comprising of at least 17 provers, including a 10% placebo in the group. Repeated oral doses would be administered to the participants in this. At the conclusion of the second proving stage, all the data would be collated and formatted into a materia medica and repertory.

It would, however, be important to prove the integrated methodology‘s usefulness through practical application, leading to the recommendation that the methodology be tested.

INTRODUCTION

Similia similibus curentur1 is the fundamental principle upon which homoeopathy is built, although the notion was first expressed by Paracelsus around 300 years earlier

(Ball, 2007). In order to practically apply this principle, the nature of disease and the nature of medicine need to be understood. Hahnemann (1999: 187-8), in aphorism 105, tasks every homoeopath with the mission:

The second point of business of a true physician relates to acquiring a knowledge of the instruments intended for the cure of the natural diseases, investigating the pathogenic power of the medicines, in order, when called to cure, to be able to select from among them one,…as similar as possible to the totality of the principal symptoms of the natural disease sought to be cured.

Gray (2005b: 5) quotes a conversation in which Campbell remarks:

…if the similimum had not yet been discovered, those patients must die if we had not the remedy sufficiently similar to bring them to a certain stage of improvement.

Then it follows that we must still go on developing remedies, for the similimum still remains undiscovered for some diseases.

This observation highlights the importance of new provings, with the aim of developing a more comprehensive materia medica.

The development of a remedy picture is not based on provings alone. Provings are but the first step in the process and give an indication of the drug‘s possible use

(Bodman, 1977). The picture must then be verified by comparing the proving symptoms with any available toxicological data and finally prove its effectiveness in clinical

use (Belon, 1995). Sherr and Quirk (2007) believe that a good proving is not about producing every possible symptom, but rather about producing good quality symptoms indicating a meaningful totality open to clinical verification.

The aim of this study was to compare the most commonly employed proving methodologies in order to ascertain the validity of the claims made by their respective developers. Each originator favours the method and describes the method as superior in terms of efficiency and quality of symptoms produced. In studying each of these methods individually, an informed decision could be made based on the merits of each method.

1. Despite being called - unhomoeopathic and not understandable (Dellmour, 1998: 223-89) the C4 proving methodology is followed extensively in Germany, the Netherlands and the U.S. Trituration provings generally conducted in groups of 5 to 25 participants and are carried out during a trituration process. Participants record all the symptoms experienced during the trituration, and discuss these experienced during a - wrap-up conversation after the trituration process is completed. Each trituration level reveals

a different level of experience, contributing to the development of a complete symptom picture. This methodology was selected as the first methodology to be tested.

The trituration process carried out during the application of this methodology also completed the first stage of production, according to the German Homoeopathic Pharmacopoeia (GHP) (Benyunes, 2005) of Protea cynaroides 30CH utilised by the second and third methodologies.

2. methodology identified was the Sherr methodology, as it is the most common method followed in provings conducted at the Durban University of Technology‘s Department of Homoeopathy.

This methodology utilises healthy volunteers as provers, in a group comprising of between 15 and 20 provers. The provers are required to ingest the remedy over a period

of two days until symptoms arise. Placebo controls are utilised and the participants are unaware of whether they are taking the active or placebo set of powders.

3. final methodology selected was the Dream proving methodology which cover a limited time span and focus mainly on the provers‘ emotional responses to the dreams.

There is no set protocol for the administration of the doses and no placebo control utilised. Sherr (1994: 16-7) feels that the larger totality of physical, general and long-term symptoms may be missed using these methods, which this study investigated.

Every methodology was also tested twice: in two consecutive years and during the same months to eliminate seasonal influences. At the conclusion of the study, an integrated methodology was also developed, which focused on the strengths evident in each methodology and strove to minimise the weaknesses.

This study thus investigated whether the different methodologies yield different symptoms, both relating to the quantity and quality of prover experiences. It also aimed to investigate the reproducibility of symptoms elicited during consecutive provings of the same substance, utilising the same methodology. If the proving methodologies proved reproducible, it would negate the need for the re-proving of existing remedies. Lastly, this study investigated whether differences exist between the symptoms yielded by the placebo and the verum groups within the same methodology.

As a consequence of the proving process, a description of prover experiences emerged, which, when collated, yielded a complete homoeopathic materia medica and repertory for Protea cynaroides.

This data is presented in Chapter 4 and further discussed and analysed in Chapter 5.

HYPOTHESES

With the aims discussed above in mind, the following hypotheses were formulated:

Reproducibility: Proving symptoms are reproducible when applying identical proving methodologies in consecutive years

Relative effectiveness: Some proving methodologies are more effective in yielding proving symptoms than others, in terms of number, type and quality of symptoms elicited. A distinct difference exists between the symptoms yielded by the placebo and the verum groups within the same methodology In studying the relative effectiveness of proving methodologies it is possible to develop an integrated methodology.

Of the ten triturationurators, seven (= 70%) experienced symptoms of itching during the trituration. Curiously, seven of the eight rubrics relating to itchiness which are common to Radar and the C4 proving of Borax were also found in Botha's provings of Protea cynaroides (2010).

An analysis of her findings shows that, of 69 episodes of itching which contributed to those seven rubrics, 49 were reported by C4 provers (= 71%); 15 by provers in the Sherr groups (= 22%);

3 by provers in the Dream groups (= 4%) and two in the placebo group (= 3%)

This suggests that the process of trituration - of any substance - is likely to result in itchiness. It is conceivable that the itching is caused by the grinding of lactose powder which, inevitably, is inhaled or comes into contact with the skin, causing irritation.

Indeed, the Material Safety Data Sheet (MSDS) for lactose monohydrate B.P. (2010:1) outlines its potential acute health effects as being “Slightly hazardous in case of skin contact (irritant) of eye contact (irritant), of inhalation”.

Clarke ( 2006: 1055) mentions that Hahnemann chose lactose powder (Saccharum lactis) as a vehicle for his remedies because it was the most inert substance he could find. However, Clarke's view is that no substance is “absolutely inert in any form” and he cites the experience of homoeopath H.A. Hare who said that many patients could not

take lactose powder without “inconvenience”.

One such patient complained that pilules of lactose made his “eyes ache and feel weak”, a symptom which Clarke notes was also found in Swan's proving of lactose “Sight fails; eyes tire very easily”.

With respect to itching symptoms in the proving of Saccharum lactis, Clarke (2006: 1055-1060) lists the following:

• Creeping, itching and crawling around anus...

• Itching of labia

• Itching in palm of r. hand

• Violent itching of a liver spot on r. hand

• Very restless at night from itching all over body as soon as she is covered in bed. - itching of both shoulders.

There is little commonality between the itching symptoms recorded in Clarke (2006) for Saccharum lactis and those recorded by the triturationurators in the present study;

with the exception of a general itching sensation (Skin - itching) and, arguably, itching of the upper limb (Extremities - Itching - Upper limb), which tends to support the idea that the itching symptoms may be a product of the powder coming into contact with the skin during the act of trituration rather than proving symptoms of Saccharum lactis.

Space and time distortions

Another of the “common symptoms which should not be overemphasized” referred to by Hogeland and Schriebman (2008: 43) are “spacey, drugged feelings” and “time distortion”.

Of 16 rubrics for Borax in Radar which are associated with time and space distortions, five were experienced by triturationurators during the course of the C4 proving.

Three of these were main rubrics:

“Mind - Confusion of mind”,

“Mind - Thoughts - vanishing of”

“Mind - Trance”.

A fourth was a subrubric:

“Mind - Confusion of mind - time - as to” while the fifth was at other rubric level:

“Mind - Confusion of mind - time; as to - space; and.”

The question arises whether a correlation of five out of 16 rubrics, or 31%, is due to the influence of the remedy on the triturationurators or simply to the nature of a C4 trituration where participants’ sensory input is curtailed in a way that is similar to meditation, leading to time and space distortions. Indeed, the similarity of a C4 proving

to meditation is mentioned by Hogeland and Schriebman (2008: 6):

When carried out with intention, a trituration is a deeply meditative exploration into the heart of a substance.

Neuroscientist James Austin (1999: 373) talks about the psychological and physiological side effects of meditation, mentioning research which showed that:

... volunteer [meditation] subjects can experience distortions of perception, affect and of their sense of time within ten minutes of relaxing into a passive attitude in

a psychology laboratory.

It is interesting to note that in her proving of Protea cynaroides Botha (2010) recorded four of the five “time and space” rubrics which Radar and the C4 trituration have

in common for Borax, namely:

“Mind - confusion”, “Mind - confusion - time; as to”, “Mind - thoughts - vanishing of” and “Mind - trance”.

Botha also showed that these rubrics arose more often in a C4 trituration than in other proving methods. This reinforces the notion that certain symptoms may have more

to do with the proving method than with the substance being proved.

Hearing:

In the Hearing chapter there is a significant correlation between symptoms recorded during this C4 trituration and in the traditional proving (as reflected in Radar 9.0) of Borax, with p = 0.134 at chapter level, and p = 0.248 at main rubric level.

Of six rubrics found in Radar 9.0 for Borax in the Hearing chapter, two were noted during the C4 proving. These two rubrics are:

“Hearing - acute”

“Hearing - acute - noise; to”.

In Appendix 8 of Botha's study on Protea cynaroides (2010) the same two Hearing rubrics appeared more often in C4 provings than in other proving methods.

“Hearing - acute” arose 3x and 5x respectively in two C4 provings, while it occurred once in each of two Sherr provings, and twice in a single Dream proving.

“Hearing - acute - noise; to” occurred three times in each of two C4 provings, twice in a single Dream proving, and not at all in the Sherr provings.

Commenting on these Hearing symptoms, Botha (2010: 182) said they were ... more likely to be present than absent in the C4 group whereas the opposite holds true for the other groups.

She went on to say: ... the small number of rubrics in this chapter [i.e. Hearing] make it impossible to draw a conclusion as to a particular affinity to a specific methodology employed. One can, however, hold that the C4 group was the only group to elicit all six rubrics representing this chapter.

The similarity in rubrics emerging from the C4 trituration of two entirely different substances (Protea cynaroides in Botha’s doctoral dissertation and Borax in the present study) in terms of itchiness, space and time distortions and hearing, make it difficult to avoid the conclusion that these symptoms relate to the act of trituration rather than the substance being triturationurated.

In the case of the Hearing rubrics, the participants in a C4 trituration sit together for a total of four hours, grinding and scraping powders in their mortars. In the present study five of the ten triturationurators found the sounds of trituration unpleasant, describing them as “jarring”, “irritating” and “clanging” while two described the sounds as “musical” and “singing”. In other words, it is unclear whether the observed symptoms were a product of the remedy “talking” or simply a noisy environment.

Head:

Of the rubrics for Borax which are common to C4 and Radar, the Head chapter has a relatively high No. at four. The transcription shows that seven out of ten triturationurators reported headaches, while four - three of whom had headaches - complained of back or neck discomfort.

Moreover, five triturationurators reported cramps in their hands, weak joints, “stuck” elbow joints, heavy arms, and numb toes, which would contribute to the relatively high rubric count under the Generals chapter. One triturationurator experienced a stitching in the ribs, thus contributing to the rubric “Chest - Pain - stitching”.

All of these symptoms could conceivably be attributed to the physically demanding work of trituration. Indeed, Botha (2010: 174-175) noted in her proving of Protea cynaroides that the Back chapter ... reflects a high incidence of rubrics, much higher in fact than the incidence in any of the other groups... This may indicate that the mechanical action of trituration augments the effects of

the remedy, making physiological strains on the body more pronounced. Less weight should be given to symptoms in this chapter with regard to Group one provers [i.e. her C4 trituration group] as this is probably more due to the physical strain of the process than the effect of the remedy.

Sleep:

Two rubrics in the Sleep chapter were common to the C4 proving and Radar rubrics of Borax:

“Sleep - sleepiness” and “Sleep - sleepiness with weariness”. Of the ten triturationurators, 5 reported feelings of sleepiness:

“I just wanted to go to sleep”, “... I felt very tired and sleepy”, “... feel sad and sleepy”, “Falling asleep...”, “Very sleepy no energy” etc.

In the light of the itchiness, space/time distortions, headaches and backaches reported above, one wonders whether the C4 triturationurators felt sleepy because of the act of trituration, rather than through any influence of the substance they were triturationurating?

A comparison with Botha’s proving of Protea cynaroides (2010) found that, although a high proportion of participants in her C4 provings reported sleepiness

(“Sleep - sleepiness” was recorded 4 times and 7 times in each of two C4 provings), the same rubric occurred with the same frequency in her Dream provings (4 and 7 respectively) and almost the same frequency in her Sherr provings (4 and 6 respectively respectively).

Quantitative conclusions

The only statistically significant correlation between the symptoms elicited from this C4 proving of Borax and traditional provings of the same substance (reported in Radar 9.0) relate to the Hearing chapter. However, in the interests of scientific rigor, one must ask whether there may be a banal explanation for triturationurators’ complaints of sensitivity to noise

(ie: “Hearing - acute” and “Hearing - acute - noise; to”).

The fact that Botha (2010) found exactly the same two rubrics emerged more often in her two C4 triturations than from other proving methods, when she was proving an entirely different substance,

gives rise to the suspicion that these symptoms have more to do with the noise of grinding and scraping, than with the nature of the substance being triturationurated.

An analysis of other rubrics which are common to Borax in Radar 9.0 and to this C4 proving - even where that correlation is not statistically significant - further reinforces this suspicion, since these are symptoms which can easily be attributed to the act of trituration - itchiness, headaches, backaches and space/time distortions.

COMPARISON OF BORAX SYMPTOMS IN C4 PROVING AND MATERIA MEDICAS

Rubrics are a standardised format for symptoms, which makes it possible to establish a quantitative relationship between the rubrics for Borax which appear in the repertories (listed in Radar 9.0) and the rubrics which emerged from the present C4 trituration.

However, the Materia Medicas are anecdotal in their style and ordering, so any comparison between the symptoms from the present proving and those reported in the Materia Medicas will, of necessity, be qualitative.

According to Morrison (1993) Borax - commonly referred to as sodium borate - has many similarities to other Natrum remedies although the Borax patient is, he suggests, more practical and less refined than the Nat-m. patient.

Table 7 presents a No. of the keynotes of Borax outlined by Morrison (1993) and Vermeulen (2000 & 2004) in the left-hand column, and comments arising from the present C4 trituration on the right:

Table 7 - Comparison of C4 proving and materia medica keynotes for Borax

Section Materia Medicas on Borax

Comments on C4 proving of Borax

Mentals: Great sensitivity to noise.

Sudden, sharp or unusual noises (sneezing, coughing/thunder/gun fire/lighting of a match) cause the patient to jump.

Five triturationurators reported sensitivity to noise with descriptions of “banging and clanging”, “jarring”, “clinking” and “irritating”.

Marked irritability.

Irritability was expressed by six triturationurators as follows:

Section Materia Medicas on Borax

Comments on C4 proving of Borax

Fear from descending or any downward motion such as descending stairs, on an escalator, in an aeroplane or in a rocking chair. A child carried down stairs is fearful of falling.

Similarly, an infant placed in its crib will scream and throw out the hands as if afraid of falling

This key symptom of Borax was not expressed by any of the triturationurators during the debriefing sessions.

Movement during the trituration rounds was effectively restricted to sitting on a stool or standing, which may explain the absence of this symptom.

“Giddiness and nausea from mental exertion” (Vermeulen, 2000:278)

Four of the ten triturationurators reported nausea (without giddiness) during trituration.

Head: In terms of time modality, the headaches of Borax are similar to that of Nat-m., in that they occur at 10 h. The Borax headache is concentrated across the forehead (Hering, 1991) similar to one of several types of headaches found in Nat-m. (Vermeulen, 2000).

Seven of the ten triturationurators reported headaches with four triturationurators reporting headaches during the first debriefing session which would roughly accord with

the 10 h. time modality for Borax headaches. With regard to locality: triturationurator No. 1 reported a headache “above the left eye”;

triturationurator No. 3 “... all kinds of different headaches frontal ones...”;

triturationurator No. 4 “... developed a sudden headache in the frontal region (in the forehead)...”;

triturationurator No. 6 “Pressure in the forehead, just above the eyes”;

triturationurator No. 8 “... may have been a headache that moved from the front to the back...”;

triturationurator No. 9 described a “a massive headache on the left side in the temple area”

triturationurator No. 10 referred to a “a pain in my right temple”.

Comments on C4 proving of Borax

Mouth: Aphthae feature prominently in the proving of Borax (mouth and tongue).

Hering (1991: 476) mentions “Aphthae on tongue and inside of cheek, bleeding when eating.”

“Aphthae are so tender that they prevent the child from nursing.”

Similarly, Nat-m. has the symptom “Aphthae on tongue, gums and cheeks.” (Vermeulen, 2000: 1112).

Mouth ulcers would take time to develop and were not reported during the debriefing sessions.

Female organs: When the mother nurses the infant, there is contractive pain in the opposite breast. Soreness or aphthous nipples of nursing women. (Hering, 1991; Morrison, 1993; Vermeulen, 2000).

The mother's milk is thick, tastes bad and curdles shortly after it is drawn (Vermeulen, 2000).

Triturationurator No. 3 an image of “...the mother and baby breastfeeding”;

triturationurator No. 6 a “Sensation of pressure, heaviness, tingling in the breasts”

triturationurator No. 9 “Thinking about breasts...”

Chest: “ Stitches in chest during inspiration and cough.”

“Every three or five minutes obliged to take a quick, deep breath, which is each time followed by a stitch in right side of chest...” (Vermeulen, 2000: 280).

“Tension in chest with inclination to deep breathing” (Hering, 1991: 481).

Triturationurator No. 6 “Slight restriction in the throat, the chest, the heart region, I had to breathe deeper”.

Triturationurator No. 3 “ I have to take a deep breath”.

THEMES ARISING IN THE C4 TRITURATION PROVING OF BORAX

While the themes discussed below have no bearing on the traditional proving, they might be of interest to other researchers wishing to use the same approach.

Colours: An intense blue colour was mentioned by four triturationurators in the C1 debriefing. Red was mentioned by three triturationurators: two during the C1 debriefing and one during the C2 debriefing.

5.3.2

Water, lake, ocean: Seven triturationurators described imagery relating to the ocean, ocean waves, a lake, pond, salt water.

Five of the seven triturationurators reported these images during the C1 debriefing.

5.3.3

Mountains, hills

Four triturationurators described mountains and hills (Mount Rushmore, Table Mountain, Swiss Alps, green hills). Triturationurator No. 6 described mountains in Tibet. Gavira and Frances (2008: 204) mention that “Borax has been mined since ancient times from saline lakes in Kashmir and Tibet”. The same triturationurator went on to say during the C3 debriefing session:

And the feeling of floating away again when I closed my eyes and I was in water, not the sea but like a lake and there was a taste of the water of the lake in my mouth, and it tasted like minerals, it made my mouth water, I wanted more of this taste.

5.3.4

Deception

The theme of deception was first introduced during the C1 debriefing session by triturationurator No. 5: “...a lot of deception; deceptive personality; you can’t trust anything because nothing is as it seems...” and continued throughout the debriefing sessions.

Reported in similar vein during the C3 and C4 debriefing sessions:

Triturationurator No. 1: “I had an idea of disguises, how one thing can reveal another and how one substance can be veiled and say something else under that substance.”

Triturationurator No. 2: “I was thinking about the theme of deception...”

Triturationurator No. 6: “I have to be careful of those who are deceitful; I have to watch out and be careful not to be tricked” and “And then back to that deceitfulness; the thought that holy people can also be deceitful...”

5.3.5

The four levels

Reading through the transcriptions (Appendix G) there is no evidence that Borax revealed itself in layers as Becker and Ehrler (1998) suggest, i.e. physical sensations at the C1 level, emotional symptoms at the C2 level, mental aspects at the C3 level and spiritual aspects at the C4 level. Instead there is a spread of all four types of symptoms throughout the four levels of trituration.

Hogeland and Schriebman (2008:141) devote a chapter in their book to the C4 trituration experiences of other homoeopaths, including practitioner Susan Lacroix who makes the observation that

a “clear cut scheme” can not be made for the suggestion that a remedy reveals itself by layers; in some instances it holds whereas in others it does not.

5.5

UNPREJUDICED REPERTORISATION

Prior to unblinding, an attempt was made to identify the -as yet unidentified- substance by extracting 41 rubrics from symptoms which were experienced by three or more triturationurators, together with two PQRS symptoms which emerged from the debriefings. These 43 rubrics were entered into Radar 9.0, which produced a 92 page printout of possible remedies listed in descending order of best match.

The first six pages of the Radar output are attached as Appendix H. Although the first remedy was Causticum, a mineral, and Nat-m. occupied position No. nine, Borax itself appeared only in position No. 52. The attempt to identify the substance prior to unblinding was therefore unsuccessful.

6.1

CONCLUSION

The aim of this study was to establish whether symptoms elicited in a C4 proving are comparable to the symptoms produced in traditional provings of the same substance.

If primary research can demonstrate a similarity between the symptoms observed by the two methods of proving - even on a single substance - it will encourage further studies to decide whether C4 provings might be used in association with, or instead of, traditional provings as a means of developing homoeopathic remedies.

The hypotheses were stated as follows:

The null hypothesis is that there is no significant correlation between the symptoms experienced by provers during a C4 trituration, and provers taking part in traditional provings of the same substance.

The alternative hypothesis is that the symptoms observed during a C4 proving will demonstrate a statistically significant correlation to the symptoms observed in traditional provings of the same substance.

In order to test the above hypotheses, ten triturationurators were recruited from an existing group of experienced triturationurators, including homoeopaths and senior homoeopathic students from the Homoeopathic Department of DUT, to triturationurate an unknown substance.

The data gathered during debriefing sessions after each round of trituration, and the notes kept by triturationurators during the trituration sessions, were transcribed and converted to rubrics. An unprejudiced repertorisation was undertaken in an attempt to identify the substance before unblinding.

After unblinding, the rubrics from the C4 proving of Borax were statistically compared to rubrics associated with this substance in Radar 9.0, a database that reflects traditional provings for Borax, but does not include rubrics derived from dream, meditation or C4 provings

The comparison was done using SPSS Statistics

17.0 software. A Pearson Chi-Square test was applied to determine whether there was a significant correlation between the C4 and traditional provings of Borax, and a Cramer's V test was used to determine the strength of that association.

The above comparison showed that a significant difference exists between the rubrics of the C4 proving of Borax and those of traditional provings of the same substance, thus the null hypothesis could not be rejected. The alternative hypothesis, that there was a significant correlation between the two methods of proving, was therefore rejected.

The exception was the Hearing chapter, which showed a 0.134 significant correlation at chapter level and a 0.248 significant correlation at main rubric level.

However, as discussed in Chapter 5, identical rubrics for hearing were elicited during the C4 proving of Borax in this study, and in a C4 proving of Protea cynaroides by Botha (2010). The idea was posited above that these rubrics may well be a product of the exposure of triturationurators to a noisy environment rather than to their exposure to a homoeopathic remedy.

The Kidney chapter also showed a significant correlation of 0.83 at the sub rubric level and 0.46 at other rubric level. However on closer analysis these data were found to be anomalous and were treated as outliers.

The C4 trituration proving produced 74 rubrics which match those listed in Radar 9.0 for Borax. These 74 rubrics are located within 19 chapters out of a total of 39, and mainly represent mind symptoms and acute symptoms. Thus, 20 chapters were not represented in the C4 trituration. The absence of chronic or metabolic symptoms is almost certainly because, unlike a traditional proving, a C4 proving does not allow sufficient time for such symptoms to develop. It was posited above that the preponderance of mind symptoms may be due to the provers performing a repetitive activity with very little external stimulation, thus freeing their minds to receive information from the remedy - or simply to roam.

While C4 provings are faster than the traditional method, as refined by Sherr (referred to as a “standard traditional proving” by Hogeland and Schriebman, 2008: xv), in view of the above findings it cannot be recommended that C4 provings be considered as a means of developing homoeopathic remedies instead of standard traditional provings, because C4 provings would not produce a complete symptom picture.

However, this is not to say that C4 provings do not have value when used in conjunction with traditional provings to extend the symptom picture as suggested by Botha (2010).

Indeed, Hogeland & Schriebman (2008: xix) say that C4 trituration can be used to clarify or confirm existing remedy information. This falls outside the scope of the present research, which sought only to establish to what extent the symptoms elicited from a C4 proving match those of traditional provings of the same substance.

In conclusion, it is only human for a researcher to hope for a positive outcome.

However, scientific evidence is essentially built from negative outcomes (or sustaining null hypotheses), i.e. eliminating all that is false.

Perhaps the negative outcome of this study should not come as a surprise. After all, Friedrich Dellmour (2008: 223-289) pointed out that the founder of homoeopathy, Samuel Hahnemann, enjoined practitioners to strictly exclude from the Materia Medica “everything that is conjectural, all that is mere assertion or imaginary”.

Dellmour concluded his condemnation of C4 provings thus: Due to their unhomeopathic, unclear and not understandable sources, the symptoms of these remedies should not be included into the

Materia Medica or the repertories!

RECOMMENDATIONS

1st as far as is known, this is the first study of this nature. Ideally it should be replicated - with a different substance and a different set of provers - to see whether the outcome is the same.

2nd . this researcher is concerned about the common practice of debriefing C4 provers as a group, after each round of trituration, which means that each prover hears what the others have to say.

This may lead to (a possibly subconscious) influence over even the most impartial and experienced provers as they perform subsequent rounds of trituration. It is recommended that, in future studies of this nature, a process of confidential debriefing be developed to avoid this possibility.

3rd the potential of using C4 trituration as an adjunct to conventional homoeopathic proving has only just begun to be explored by researchers such as Botha (2010). There is clearly a great deal of work to be done in investigating - using scientifically robust research methods - the extent to which the additional symptoms elicited by C4 provings can be relied upon to indicate or confirm remedies in clinical practice.

Finally, the writings of Witold Ehrler, who pioneered C4 trituration, have still to be translated from the original German. These include many provings. The translation of these provings, and their comparison to remedies in the existing materia medicas, would greatly advance the understanding of C4 methodology, as would repeating his provings to see whether the results are consistent.

TRITURATIONURATOR NO 1

C1 trituration

It started off with a right ear itch right at the entrance of the ear canal with a sensation of fullness and water sloshing and then from the water sloshing it reminded me of the movement of the sea and of salt. The sound of the grinding reminded me of the rumbling of the ocean far in the distance or like the rumbling of thunder. There was a lot of imagery of water, of blueness and the rolling motion of water over stones. And that went on from the 1st and 2nd powder.

The last powder brought on a sensation of movement and hyper-alertness; particularly with a very hyperacute sense of smell

The very last about 20 minutes, the only thing I could think of was this very sweet smelling substance; sort of like Dior perfume, but I couldn’t put a name to it; and that’s all I could focus on was the sweet smell.

Nat-m. came to mind.

C2 trituration

It sounded like a large lack of rhythm and I couldn’t seem to get it round smoothly; there was a lot of banging and clanging of the pestle and mortar - there isn’t any symmetry or equality in C1 and lack of coordination of my movements.

That together with brief burning at my xiphoid process, similar to heart burn, with a little bit of slight nausea.

Then I thought of silver moonlight on water and the thought of the moon pulling in the tides came to mind. With the second powder there was a sensation of chills running up and down my back, sort of like a premonition of something bad or something exciting is going to happen, but something was going to happen and again there was a jarring in all aspects; the scraping is jarring my teeth and I could hear all sorts of clanging around the classroom - I felt there was no rhythm; everybody wasn’t doing it right.

It felt like I was breathing in the dust of the remedy and it’s sitting at the back of my throat. After that I was just drifting and staring into space; found like two moments where I actually had stopped altogether and just blanked out completely. I feel like my mind has been washed out.

The last part, time seems to pass so fast and I’m locked in my own world. There was stomach cramps again; mix of heartburn and feeling hungry. The very last thing was that the remedy wants to break out.

C3 trituration

I really felt the remedy was more earthly and more grounded; so in C1 and C2 it was more of a watery, shapeless image whereas here it was more grounded, in a sense. I had an idea of disguises, how one thing can reveal another and how one substance can be veiled and say something else under that substance. The remedy felt more adherent at this stage and I thought of diseases like fibrosis.

After that I had an empty mind.

Despite the friction, the remedy felt like it radiated coldness, so I thought it was a cold remedy, there was an element of structure more than in C1 and C2 and I had a weird symptom of flashes in my upper and lower peripheral vision; so as I’m looking down I think that there was this image of someone walking but when I looked there was nobody there and the same thing happened, there was something and then when I looked there was nothing, so it was like flashing images.

There was lots of emptiness of mind, losing track of thoughts, drifting into space. At the end of the second powder, I felt like I was in control of the classes trituration, so if I was going faster everyone would speed up, if I slowed down everyone else slows down.

And then right at the end in the third powder, the remedy just started breaking out; I spilt it all over. It couldn’t stay inside and I thought I’m mixing too vigorously and I couldn’t concentrate because I had too much energy, so I stood up.

C4 trituration

I started off with a peaceful, blank mind no thoughts really and I was contemplating whether the remedy is an animal, mineral, plant or imponderable and the more I thought, I thought it was a mineral or an imponderable it could never be a plant or animal or something. And then I was very distracted, unable to concentrate; at the end of the first powder I had lower back pain and my arms were getting tired, was forcing them, had to swap arms (during grinding).

Similar to C1, where I was thinking of the rumblings of the ocean and the salt and the water.

And the second powder, it was very peaceful, overpowering my mind, slow-paced, relaxed movements, almost distracted. And I kind of had an idea that the remedy is better for continued movement and worse for initial movement, because every time it started it was bad and got better again.

Losing track of time, sequence and events; desire to stop the trituration and just stare at the mixture.

Towards the third powder, it was mostly blank. Feeling of euphoria, maybe because the trituration was coming to an end.

I had a slight burning in my right hand like a brief flash of tingling heat, though quite prominent; head was heavy and ears feels blocked up as if flying.

TRITURATIONURATOR NO. 2

C1 trituration

My experience was different, I thought immediately, as soon as I started grinding, I thought hot, scorched earth, like the desert when it’s cracked open and then a post-nasal drip which physically didn’t last long. I liked the smooth sounds of pestles and mortars as we were grinding but I found the clinks quite jarring.

Then I had a drawing pain in my right ear and then the sound of the grinding I just had this image of an airplane on the runway ready to take off.

After scraping, when we started grinding again the powder suddenly looked grey and dirty to me and it seemed sticky in the bowl, there were almost smears in the bowl, as though there was moisture in it.

After the 2nd powder I felt I was alternating between a meditative state and being distracted, thinking of everyday things and wanting to go back to that meditative state.

I also had an alternation between feeling tired and energised.

After scraping the powder I almost stopped grinding and I looked and thought I can’t get liquid in this powder but it looked to me as there was liquid in the middle of the powder, it was very sticky.

After we added the third powder I actually felt quite bored I felt I’m not getting much information and I wondered if I’m just not a good prover or if I’m not very sensitive to the substance

I got a sense there was a lot of mucous in the remedy. I also at that stage got a sense of mucous, phlegmatic, watery thing, so I wondered whether it was a sea remedy, maybe Sepia.

And then I was very aware at the end that most people were getting quite desperate and grinding faster and faster.

C2 trituration

I felt an affinity towards the powder and again it seemed to be like a paste, moist. I was very aware that [triturationurator number 8] was triturationting very fast, but I didn’t feel any need to follow suit.

Then I noticed my writing was much neater and more legible than in the C1 trituration. Then there’s a feeling of care and being careful, feeling kind toward the powder and very aware of its smoothness.

Then I had an image of being under water in the sea and that led me off on to thoughts of my daughter, who was doing a diving course this week.

And then when you said scrape, I completely lost concentration, I found myself grinding instead of scraping. And when I noticed it I just went back to scraping, I didn’t feel guilty, I just thought ‘oh well’ and felt calm and non-judgemental about it.

I started thinking about pets and stroking a cat. Linked up with that was smoothness, it seemed like the whole powder was going into a smooth paste it was sticking to the sides of the bowl. Smooth, comfort, comfortable, peaceful, tranquil.

I found my thoughts wandering, and started feeling almost spaced out, but it didn’t worry me, actually a very comfortable feeling.

Again periods of thinking # just grinding and being spaced out, but it was very comfortable.

Then my right leg and fingers of my right hand started cramping they were better for stretching and I was aware of wanting to keep my writing nice.

At the beginning of this grinding I was reluctant; I didn’t want to disturb the powder.

And I found I kept yawning.

After we added the third powder when I started grinding suddenly I saw a dark grey under the powder almost as though the mortar was changing colour; as if something was coming up out of the depths.

I felt disconnected from the trituration as if I was floating off in my own world; found it difficult to stop my mind from wandering but I feel very calm, I don’t mind. I’m quite spaced out.

And then just towards the end of the last grinding I found a solution to an issue that has been bugging me for a long while. I’m still feel quite floaty.

C3 trituration

I also didn’t have very much; again as soon as we started I had the same like in the C1, the cracked earth image, it looked like the markings of a tyre. Then I got an itchy nose, in my right nostril.

I didn’t like it when the lactose formed crumbs I wanted it all smoothed out, so I kept focusing on smoothing it out.

I also again had a time warp; the end of the grinding always seemed to come too soon and the end of the scraping seemed not to come quickly enough, I could have stayed with the grinding forever.

It irritates me that the powder keeps going up the sides of the bowl and I wanted it to stay in the centre.

And then the whole trituration seemed to be a futile exercise, there seemed to be so little common ground; I started wondering how anyone ever manages to find a common thread or theme in a proving.

Then I felt apologetic to the substance for getting impatient with the process; I was a bit distracted because I had a much smaller pestle and mortar this time around.

When we added the second powder, from then on I felt disconnected from the substance. Physically I noted that the garlic that had been in the lunch kept repeating on me - I don’t know whether it was anything to do with the lunch or substance.

And my eyes got itchy but I had relief from scratching.

The clinking sound made me think of tea cups and then that sort of set me off on a whole train of thought about the whole ritual of drinking tea, that it’s much more than just the physical act of imbibing food or liquid, it denotes companionship, connection, relaxation, time out etc.

And then I went through a whole train of thought about rituals, the fact that they have symbolic meanings; they fulfil certain needs, and the whole is greater than the sum of the parts and similarly the energetic value of what we’re doing has a value even if we don’t experience it directly or see the whole picture.

And when we added 3rd powder I also thought like a juxtaposition of that sense of futility which I had initially and that was counterbalanced by the trust that the big picture makes sense, has a purpose.

And then again like in my C1, the darker grey below the surface of the powder showed through; and I kept spraying lactose out of the bowl and I felt I needed to grind slower to prevent that.

C4 trituration

Immediately I had the same feeling like with the C2 that the substance was drawing me in and felt affection for it and gentle towards it.

Again I wanted to smooth out the crumbs, then I felt as though I was in the galaxy; I saw the whole galaxy and thought everything needs to find its place in the universe. I was thinking about the theme of deception which came up with others and asked the substance if it’s deceiving me. And then I decided to go back to concentrating on what insights do I actually get, I sort of I thought maybe I’m thinking this and it’s not the substance.

And then just a random thought; how much of what we’re doing in life is just going through the motions; is it ultimately of value; is the most important thing just to be there for someone else at a specific time as support, be it as a partner, friend, parent, therapist etc. Is it all a farce, do we bluff ourselves that what we do is important or of any significance.

With the second powder I wanted to grind in a compact way, close to the powder.

I sort of had a sense there was an ultimate, unknowable purpose to everything, even the most insignificant-seeming incident.

Then the powder seemed to stick in a pattern at the base of the bowl and I couldn’t change it, it didn’t seem to be moving. [Triturationurator draws shape seen in bottom of mortar - looks like the letter ‘Z’.]

My left palm got very itchy.

Then the shape [in the mortar] changed and it looked sort of like a random shape with two dots, it reminded me of Casper the ghost [triturationurator draws shape with two dots in the middle] and the feeling was actually of light heartedness, don’t take life so seriously; it isn’t all as it seems.

Then I was aware of shifting shapes stuck to the base of the bowl, that changed like clouds changing in the sky.

And with the third powder not much; things change, reality changes, a kind of etherealness to the feeling. And the rest was just a kind of blankness.

TRITURATIONURATOR NO. 3

C1 trituration

I started off enjoying the rhythm [of the trituration] and I noticed the others’ speed - irritating, why are they so fast? I noticed that I had a very different speed to all the others; mine seemed to be to me very slow, melodic, equal and rhythmic. There also was a sensation of everything seeming very soft; my pestle was just gliding very effortlessly over the lactose.

I had a picture of very blue sky and big mountains like the Alps, very craggy, with blue, blue, crystal sky. Clear crystal air and a sprinkling or pieces of snow coming down. And everything was very kind and pleasant and effortless and perfect. And even when it came to the scraping it also was very soft, there was no effort involved.

The perspective was of the tops of the mountains; not me as a person standing there but just the whole view was that of looking over the top of the mountains.

Then I turned my awareness to my body but I didn’t feel anything unusual.

Then we added the 2nd vial [of lactose powder] and my right leg was asleep, so I changed my position but it still stayed asleep for a very long time.

Then I started to have a headache, very sharp and short above the left eye, a kind of shooting, coming very suddenly and appearing very suddenly on a small spot and disappearing.

Then I had a tickling in my left nostril - also in a small spot and I had to sneeze. And I just had the thought of: “its all about the pattern” and I could see a different pattern coming up now; and then again there was itching of left side of the occiput, again in a small spot.

Again a feeling of a different rhythm to the others; that I’m much slower, and there’s still no effort; and the softness and gliding; and I love the gliding silently over the compressed lactose - just like a bird gliding in the sky. The picture of the mountain is till very strongly present, blue, blue sky, silence, clean, fresh air, white, alive, majestic mountains high, the view is from somewhere on the top; alone but complete.

An itching on my left ear, better for scratching; now the right side above my lip, always in a small spot.

And then suddenly I had to grind faster, faster and faster. Everyone was grinding very fast and I was also grinding faster till I had same rhythm like the others.

Something is rushing; perfect picture of a twister.

Lots of itching in different spots. Small spot with stitching, sensitive and itching, changing location.

Sharp stitch on the right side, in the back in the area of the kidney.

Then came a the picture of a volcano. It’s the whole grinding process, gave me the picture of the opening of the volcano while I’m grinding coming up in the pattern of the lactose.

Now the right ear [is itching], have to scratch, better for scratching. Everyone is going faster and faster and faster. There’s a hollow feeling in my stomach; nearly nauseous. I can’t bear the thought of drinking cold water.

Now everyone is very fast, sounds very industrious and busy, quite hectic scraping all around. I have to take a deep breath; I have to scrape widely in circles.

C2 trituration

It was very unusual, not unusual but somehow it was a good nothingness. It took me a little bit, not a long time, to get into it.

In the beginning it was a bit unsettling to be in a different rhythm again, So that issue of rhythm was again there. And the unsettling feeling with having to listen to other rhythms.

And the really great appreciation and comfort for my own rhythm.

And then when I had my rhythm, I stayed for a very very long time - nearly a whole scraping session - without any thought. I was aware of sounds, looks, everything but there was no thought at all.

There was just awareness also of how I appreciated just the substance and right at the end of the grinding, I just thought this is lactose, nothing else, lactose, lactose, lactose beautiful soft, smooth, milk sugar. The experience of time was that the grinding felt much shorter and the scraping felt much longer. Physically, there was again the itching sensation in spots mostly itching and itching

at the same time, mostly left side; and coming very suddenly and I had to scratch a little bit and the nausea there was just the nausea from the beginning when I started; very strong when I started, nausea that was rising up with a lot of hyper-salivation; it got a little better when we were grinding, but it persisted throughout the whole cycle.

Then the next grinding session was just the thought soft and smooth and the picture of the mother and baby breastfeeding; no thought, only soft and smooth.

There was an extra beat -systole- in between and I had to sit up straight and I felt better then.

And then after the 3rd round of grinding when the scraping came I had the thought, “it does its own thing”. I watched my arm manoeuvring the scraper effortlessly - it had to be a pattern and

I wanted to carry on. It protects the sugar, just can't stop. And then when you said “stop scraping” or “stop grinding” I found it an extreme interruption every time; felt very annoyed with the interruption. There was no thought, just do always, just the feeling do, do, do. Carry on and on and on and nothing else, that’s it, what you are supposed to do; don’t like interruptions.

Burning, stitching pain along and under my rib; fleeting on both sides. No thought, only the thought of “carry on carry on, carry on”.

I tell myself “think, don’t stop the thought - that’s good, I can scrape, I am scraping”.

And then there was a thought of “what will happen if you interfere and change the pattern, what possibilities”!

Then it came to grinding and there was the urge to always carry on grinding in the same direction and just the little thought “what would happen if you grind in the opposite way”, but I couldn’t, I just had to carry on carry on, round and round and round and round. I thought “I’m losing my ego here, that’s nice, nice and so effortless”; no thoughts, then it just came “I’m a slave. I can’t change direction

I must go on and on. If I turn the other side, I fear I’ll lose my comfort and security”.

Scraping came and the thought of mother again, nurturing, mixing, round and round, compulsive. And suddenly I changed direction but I only realised it a second later, and I felt the pain in my solar plexus and a slight nausea again, I watch and carry on; the grinding it goes on and on. I think not one thought; “slave” again and “I want to only feel the smoothness and nothing else, forever and ever and ever, leave me alone”. “Will I ever get bored”. “Cream cheese”. And then this last scraping, “I have to do, I have to do” but no emotions. “It’s all okay it has its purpose; it feels wonderful not to be emotional, on and on and on; worker bee and Kali-c.”.

C3 trituration

I think this remedy might be therapeutic for me because it was such an easy process and during the other triturations that I did, I remember there I was impatient; it was completely different.

This time I’m really one with the process, there’s no emotions, there’s no big aspiration, there’s no conflict, there’s no resistance, there’s no doubts - there’s just dedication to the task on hand with contentment and inner peace.

I’m just observing what is happening without any comment, without any thoughts popping in my mind, it's just I’m seeing things, I’m hearing things, but I’m not going with anything; I’m just there and staying with what is there. That is very unusual for me, I only have that when I meditate and I haven’t meditated for a long time. There is a time issue, the time goes very fast.

Then I asked for the qualities of the substance because I thought maybe it will help me to bring a little more light into it. And I asked for the qualities and thoughts that I got or phrases that I got were “fixated, stubborn, opportunistic, deceiving, cool and fragrant”.

And then I asked for any good ones: “ tolerant, soft, gentle and wise” and then I asked if it had any vital sensations - “clenched”.

C4 trituration

I had a lot of physical symptoms again, also itching again, especially the upper arm and I see some kind of a rash or whatever coming up, very, very itching on the left upper arm and this time not influenced by scratching.

Then I had a very stiff and sore upper back which was better for stretching.

Also itch above the right eye and quite a lot of headaches throughout the trituration - unspecific - different ones, all kinds of different headaches frontal ones, in the centre, I didn’t note them so much.

I thought at one stage surely one must deduct the symptoms of the lactose during the trituration because of all the lactose around; I was just feeling lactose poisoning some how.

I had quite a lot of olfactory delusions right through, there were waves of different smells that I couldn’t recognise, good ones, bad ones, but not really recognisable ones.

And then it was after the third round of grinding, when you said “stop” I didn’t recognise your voice and I thought a voice was coming from behind, so it was quite a moment of severe disorientation and I got quite a big fright.

And then for the next two grindings there was silence and then I asked the remedy if it can tell me something and then it was just in my head “everything is the way it is, there is no life and no death, no beginning and no end” and then I watched myself making patterns in the bowl and I thought of creation and destruction but without any pain, it was a very deep feeling of continuity for whatever there is.

Then I had a feeling of something opposite me like a kind of a presence. It was in a way a dark, and maybe for somebody, a scary presence but there was something very immature about it - like somebody trying to scare but not successful. At the end of the grinding I opened my eyes and I had incredible clarity, I was tired before and then all the tiredness was gone; incredible clarity and awareness.

TRITURATIONURATOR NO. 4

C1 trituration

I had mostly physical symptoms.

I developed itchiness in the right eye and when I touched my eyeball it was almost painful; like a sensitivity.

I felt a sudden rush of affection for homoeopathy; I’ve been doubting this profession lately, but deep down I know this is actually where I belong. This is what I need, to live a fulfilling life.

Then I developed a sudden headache in the frontal region especially in the forehead; it was a dull, throbbing pain accompanied by neck stiffness and along with that eye sensitivity as well; it was better for touch, worse for movement and worse for noise.

And then I developed a dryness in the mouth; like nausea rising from the pit of the stomach and that feeling got stuck at the throat, at the base of my throat.

There was a sour taste on either side of the tongue and I just felt a strong desire to throw up. It was worse touching the throat or thinking about the symptoms.

The headache then moved to the right side of my head, above the ear. There was the same dull, throbbing pain, accompanied by eye pain; the eyeball feels bruised and sensitive.

There was a strange feeling of “awareness”; I felt connected to others in the trituration. I feel almost able to “sense” their emotions like a weird clairvoyance. Feel almost afraid to admit this; everyone in the group might think I’ve “lost it” for sure! [this paragraph extracted from triturationurator's diary.]

C2 trituration

I started off quite aggressive and I had a sudden burst of anger and irritation and started saying to myself, “Hey what about me, where is my ‘me time’” and I suddenly thought I was being short changed by someone - I felt annoyed, irritated and aggressive, hated being taken advantage of. But at the same time not understanding where this weird thought was coming from; because it had nothing to do with me.

And then I got this image of hot syrupy chocolate being melted in a pot over a stove and this image of a wooden spoon stirring the pot of chocolate, lifting the sticky chocolate into the air and I could actually smell the hot, sweet sugar of the chocolate which was very, very welcoming and this, off course, made me suddenly hungry. The hunger was weird, because it gnawed at the pit of my stomach; it was weird because we’d just eaten.

I then developed a sharp pain on my right wrist as I was writing. It felt like a very dull yet almost crippling pain; like my hand will give up writing any second because of the pain. Feels weak, useless, thin and brittle. Even my writing went weird, immediately stopped writing because of the pain.

And then eventually as I began to scrape the anger came back and I was scraping with such force, with power, with anger. I wanted to let out my anger and this scraping helped me feel less aggressive.

I actually felt at that point that physical activity makes the anger of this remedy less, so I came up with a rubric: Mind, anger, physical activity ameliorates or exercise ameliorates, something like that.

And then I developed a pain in the thoracic region of my spine; it feels very strained and bruised, like I’ve been walking ‘hunched’ over for days. Feels sore and aching, < movement, > bending forwards.

And then again I was overcome by the sweet strong smell of cooking chocolate, but this time I could smell melting butter. Images of chocolate melted over chocolate cakes, dripping, hot, sweet, delicious.

I got the final image in the mortar itself of the face of an Ndebele woman. To me she was a tribe member, but someone higher up in the tribe, she was like almost royalty, like a queen or a princess, she was obviously someone held in high regard by the actual tribe, she was very royal, very distinguished, very respected. I could see the hat with beading she was wearing. And I enjoyed that.

C3 trituration

I just had this desire to spread the powder everywhere not just in the mortar but out as well; I didn’t want anything in the centre.

Also the feeling of dazed and spaced out like in another realm; also very exhausted, very preoccupied and very aware of everything that’s going on outside, the noises were extra loud, you could hear them very close and again the eyes were very strained and heavy.

Then I had the image of a man’s fist clenched around a wad of notes, like dollars, they were green dollars and his hand was clenched around them and I had this feeling of avarice and greed and materialistic kind of image, which is interesting cos the other lady also said “clenched” [triturationurator number 3, in the C3 trituration round].

And then I got a very dry hoarse feeling in my throat, like something was stuck in there it started off itchy, burning and rough, worse for swallowing and I would say there was sand in my throat: dry, itchy and scratchy.

And then I had strange sensation of tears running down my cheeks and whenever I touched them it was dry there were no tears, but I could feel tears running down and I thought that was very strange, but there was no emotion attached to this sensation.

And then strange words popped into my mind, this is very weird, I had this phrase pop into my mind, that “this remedy is found in the building blocks of life”, and then the word “deoxyribonucleic acid” popped up.

And then strangely I got an image of mount Rushmore and the five presidents carved out into the mountain. I don’t know what that signified.

And then I felt irritable and restless like I needed to stop the trituration and exhausted, I just wanted to go to sleep.

And then I had sexual thoughts but not overtly sexual just more thoughts of expressing love rather than having sex.

And then finally I got the image of a star that appeared in the powder itself and again like [triturationurator no 5, in the C1 trituration round] said earlier, it was the five pointed star.

C4 trituration

I didn’t have much. The back of the right eye was dry, itchy and felt strained again, as if I’d been awake for days on end without sleep and then eventually I had a sharp, piercing, needle-like pain in the right eye; it was a sudden, fleeting pain.

My mind throughout the trituration was very blank; unable to keep thoughts together, thoughts would come but not enough to make a sentence or keep an idea at all. I can’t focus at all.

My hands are very crampy, very tired, feeling of powerlessness or a lack of energy.

I felt weak even old and exhausted and I even at one point dropped the pen cap and it fell far away from me and I felt very clumsy, weak and unable to grasp objects.

And then again the sense of smell was very heightened. I could smell something sweet and musty, almost like old sweets stored away in a dusty old cupboard for a long time.

TRITURATIONURATOR NO. 5

C1 trituration

The first part, the image that popped up was the obsidian crystal, the snowflake...it was the actual flecks on the crystal, that has that very silvery, dark grey colour that came into my mind;... that part of the crystal against this blackness.

Then I kept getting the words, “elemental emptiness within something hard”, so it’s like you have a shell that’s quite hard and inside it’s intimate.

Also a lot of deception; deceptive personality; you can’t trust anything because nothing is as it seems and the word “mercurial” comes up in relation to that deception.

More hard exterior with hollowness inside.

Then I had an image of a knife with jagged edges, that’s serrated, with someone stabbing downwards with it; sharp shards of metal with metallic silver colour or sheen that’s quite attractive. The mind feels tumultuous; chaotic; unable to concentrate; distracted awareness.

...couldn’t concentrate awareness being flung everywhere, and it was hard to bring it back to one point; kept thinking of something silvery; the colour silver. I had an image of hubcaps on the tyres of a car.

Then I had a vision of rocky mountain outcrops with all these rocks and you had to mine into the rock to get at the metallic ore. I felt that the substance was in metal compounds, and it was somehow associated with silver or the colour silver and I wanted to complex it with something to make it into a salt.

The second part I had this frothy, foamy image, like when a wave crashes and falls down and rolls and you get the foam, I thought that maybe the substance was found in the ocean somehow.

Then there was something to do with a partial separation like when you bring down an axe on something but it doesn’t completely cut something in half; it’s a partial cut.

Then I started thinking of a guillotine in France and severed heads and when you bring down the guillotine and sometimes it jams.

I was thinking of “American Psycho” the reason being because he was so deceptive; from the book when you read it’s...how to be.. and become totally psycho at the end but you don’t know, he looked so innocent at the start and then slowly starts to degrade.

Kept wanting to say the word “mercury”, as if the remedy somehow relates to mercury or is the same colour or maybe it follows well in some way.

Then I had a stage where “I don’t want to waste time”; I don’t know why.

And then I said “you can’t trust this person - he is like a snake - he can mislead you and will get you”. “He’s not a nice person, not trustworthy at all”. “He’s not the type of person you want to share secrets with even if it’s like a neighbour; even a neighbour is deceptive and he’ll come and get you”.

Then I was thinking of something with cracks; something which is resilient enough not to break, but it cracks. It is resilient though hollow inside.

Then the term “The Destroyer. Caustic. It will eat you up alive” came up.“

They want to kill you while they play with you; like a court jester with a knife and a bloody severed head”.

Thinking about the “Puppet Master” in the “Saw movies”, I haven’t watched the film [Saw 1] but I know there’s a puppet that appears on the screen. It’s a puppet with like a hollow person but you see him, it’s like a deception that goes on you don’t know who it really is, it’s the Puppet master - it’s deception, malicious, a killer.

Afterwards I wanted to talk loudly and bring attention to myself.

Then all the joints in my left felt weak, which is strange because I’m right-handed.

During the 3rd part, I was thinking about the numbers 5, 7 and 57 and it was strange because my triturationurator number was no. 5 and the pestle was no. 7 and I only found it out when I walked out the door.

Kept thinking of the five pointed star - it has dual meanings. [2 points up = Satanists; 2 points down = most widely used religious symbol] on the one hand it is quite deceptive, darkness and then on the other side, it represents the balance of elements and lightness.

I wanted to disturb everyone because I wanted to feel comfortable, I don’t know how I was going to do this but I felt I had to do this.

And I said “it hits you like an axe and splits you partially in half”; it’s associated somehow with the colour red or with blood; it likes or revels in blood.

And I said “a nice person will deceive you, will trick you”.

I had an image of a metallic green housefly and thought how disgusting that such creatures are drawn to pus and decay. And that the remedy is associated with diseases where pus is discharged from open sores and wounds.

C2 trituration

The first part I started envisioning some silver shards dispersing into darkness and blackness.

Kept thinking about breakdown, decay, letting go, resigning yourself to decay, but like you can’t fight back, you just have to let yourself go and decay.

I was praying that I’m not mentally twisted!!! God help me!

Great disconnection from self. This is wonderful because it gives you the impression you can do things on your own; you are your own master, but this is also not true because no man can exist as an island. This disconnection from self is also dangerous for others because it means your humanity starts lacking.

I had images of metallic vessels holding caustic, decaying or dangerous liquids - poisons, but unlabelled. [Drawing of Mercury symbol, Hg, in notes].

Tiredness. Drawing into self; introverted feeling, but aware of what’s going on in the inside.

Also kept wanting to say “it’s a sudden clout that causes disfigurement”, it’s like you want to hit somebody or hit out and it’s like a stunning, sharp clout and that causes disfigurement. Hopeless, despairing.

Then started thinking about pork and the flesh of pigs. Thinking about how humanity feeds on the red meat of swine that in turn feeds on our own filth.

Find it strange that flies spread disease and maggots clean decay from festering wounds.

Is this not the story of humanity; we bring ourselves to the edge or precipice of destruction and then think whether we should fall or fester?

In the second part, I had an image of a blood red heart in the middle of a black box [drawing of triangle with red heart in it and black background] and it felt like a sensation or like an idea of where morals become twisted and immoral, so that is the source that’s behind the image.

Started becoming averse to bright lights, sunlight, any type of brightness; I wanted it to be very dull grey because it reminded me of silver.

Then had image of blades; or thin shards of metal that could become cutting or blade-like. Kept thinking about the old razor blades that we used to shave and which had a chunk of the blade going into the handle.

Left eye slightly itchy.

And then I wanted to make rude gestures at people, just because I could and then I wanted to laugh at that because their reaction would be quite amusing to me.

Started thinking of a castle with many tall towers, spires and turrets stretching up to the sky. Thinking about how beautiful it is - especially because it’s built on the top of a mountain peak surrounded by dense, green trees. Made me think of the Swiss Alps, that type of setting.

Then started thinking about people especially close friends for instance and wondering if they feel guilty when they are deceptive.

During the third part of the trituration something festering inside, drawing flies to it.

For some reason this remedy reminds me of the story of the Emperor and his new clothes; I was thinking how innocent the king was to be conned as having been clothed when he was in fact naked.

How ludicrous he is and was; so foolish. Didn’t want to grind anymore; wanted to thump the sac lac with the pestle and beat it into a submissive flatness.

If this remedy substance was a person to me and they were trying to talk to me, I’d tell them to get the hell away from me out of repulsion. They in turn would react by becoming very sad, feeling dejectedly confused at why they’re being shunned. And then I started feeling very guilty at having these thoughts.

Then I had an image of small, see-through balls - like those found in silica sachets that you put into medical containers - and felt these were ground down for the substance.

C3 trituration

I was feeling quite different from the last two [trituration rounds] it was sort of, it was like becoming the opposite of what it was in a very strange way. During the first part I kept getting images of the fine strands that make up a feather, like you’re looking at a feather under a microscope and you’re seeing this very intricate strand coming off the central parts of the feather. I don’t know what it was about but it was as if you had to observe very intricate details of something.

Then started thinking of mirrors or shards of mirror pieces; like somebody has taken a mirror and shattered it and then thrown the pieces into the air and you’re watching the pieces in slow motion falling back to the ground and they’re reflecting images of each shard.

Feeling very closed, very secretive, don’t want to let on what is truly happening; It’s strange how the ONE [capital letters in notes] who feels deceived can also act as the deceiver.

Thinking of shoals of silver fish and how they swim in unison as one ENTITY; it looks so gently rhythmical, it flows so smoothly yet so strikingly DECEPTIVE. It throws off the predator and causes him to attack another innocent victim through confusion.

Then the inner canthus of the right eye started to burn and then the eye started to water as well, felt better for scratching but the burning continued.

Also as if the remedy has an issue with UNITY or bringing abut “ONE-NESS” or remaining as a single entity.

During the second part I started thinking about how things can be polluted on such a subtle level that you can’t see it and when you don’t notice it you feel that it’s not there, but in actual fact it is there.

Then the thoughts became very random and very confused, very flighty; it was difficult for me to follow like a single thread of thought to its completion; so I couldn’t continue a thought it would run in a pattern and then suddenly stopped; I could never complete it.

C3 seemed very different compared to C2, the feeling was a lot more detached. I couldn’t relate to the substance anymore; it took on a personality of its own, it was its own entity and it wanted to be left alone now.

Felt very impatient, I wanted to rush through this. Impatient and very restless.

Then I thought that the substance started to take over and it started to box me in a false perception of self; it made me ask myself forcefully

“Who are you really?” “What are your real feelings?” “What is really the truth?”

And then I started to think, there is no such thing as truth, because for me there can be no single truth as truth is distorted through perception. If this is TRUE, then there are only lies. So if every person told their perception of one single truth, it was always a lie; so how can we all clamour for the one truth that may not exist.

During the third part I felt that the substance had an affinity to the sea, maybe ameliorated or aggravated by the sea. It may be even found dissolved in the sea.

And then the process became very mechanical, there were no emotions linked to the trituration anymore and I didn’t feel attached to it anymore.

The remedy itself felt very mechanical; automated. And I thought that the person who needed the remedy would learn to mimic the responses of other people and then when they come across a situation where that response would be indicated, they would just respond; but they wouldn’t respond through emotions or through choice but as if it was a learnt thing; so it felt both cold and calculating, but it wasn’t really to that extent yet; it was getting to that point, then it stopped.

C4 trituration

First part, I had images of the moon progressing through the various phases; so continually had a cycle where it started off full and round and then progressed and becomes splinter-like and it tied in with a couple of phrases that came up, “Divine retribution” and then “Cycles of karmic influence”.

It had to do with when we deceive another person to the point of death, then you set up a chain reaction of events that inevitably pays you back.

Both perpetrator and victim are one and the same. I felt that at some level the “victim” had to find forgiveness in order to release themselves from the pattern. So the perpetrator is therefore no longer tied to the “victim” and then moves on in his or her evolution.

Started to feel very vague; thoughts became quite distant and vague; disconnected and I felt the remedy itself was disconnected from self.

Then “the shackles will break” came up and I had an image of a wrist bound by thick heavy chains and then attached to something else; but it had broken away from its site of attachment.

And I said that the remedy looked similar to a bird in some instances but it isn’t a bird remedy, but you get this thing of being shackled down and then you break from the shackles.

The second part I had deception; deception itself asked what is victim and what is perpetrator and on some other awareness, or some other level there is no such thing as they’re both one and the same.

And then I had all things have TO CHANGE THROUGH PERIODS AND CYCLES; that took us back to the moon image right in the beginning.

Then the right clavicular region got really itchy and the region near the right sterno-clavicular joint. Scratching didn’t make the itch better, but it also didn’t worsen it.

Then I had “Where do you fit into the pattern?” That was a question that came up and then “Is it really you who are the ‘do-er’ or are you really the observer of perceptual experience?”

And then right towards the end of the third part, I had to wait a long time, and then the single phrase “Trust in your self” came up. And that basically sort of answered what is deception and how do you get rid of deception - by trusting in yourself.

TRITURATIONURATOR NO. 6

C1 trituration

During the breathing exercise before starting the trituration, experienced surfacing of intense grief, for a pet that died recently. Could be unrelated to the trituration, since it was a recent incident.

Immediately when I started there was a runny nose, the left nostril; it’s been a troublesome symptom for months, now as soon as the trituration started it was worse than normal; went away later came back again and it’s still there now. Immediately a feeling I want to take small sips of cold water.

I had a feeling I wanted to take off my watch, my ring, my shoes, I felt restricted. And I actually did take my shoes off finally.

Slight restriction in the throat, the chest, the heart region, I had to breathe deeper. Feeling of being in a box, but the question was “Is it a bad thing, no one can reach me here, that is good?”

More awareness of the throat, difficulty swallowing; increased saliva and I was also thinking of Mercury then, I almost had that feeling of the wet mouth, not the saliva but still dry.

I felt slightly more grounded and stable than in the last few weeks; a bit more focused than normal, not so easily distracted, The feeling of “I am here to do this and this only and nothing must interfere”.

Nose better now, not running anymore.

Slight spasm, left side of lower back; normal symptoms but I experience it always on the right side.

Pressure in the forehead, just above the eyes. Eyes feel dry as if I was crying a long time.

I had the feeling I would like a glass of cold milk - I never drink milk unless in tea or coffee.

Sensation of pressure, heaviness, tingling in the breasts.

Sensation of heat in the face; in the cheeks.

And then a smell of and a desire for garlic. It came and it went.

The muscles around the mouth started to feel very tight.

The thirst for small sips of water now increased to I want to drink big gulps of water and I even want ice to chew.

And then the thought of “What is the purpose of our existence on this earth? Is it not just futile? Suffering, too much of that in the world; what can I do to stop it. I must stop it.”

Then the nose got worse again; only left nostril running.

Dry mouth with increase in saliva.

Right at the end there was a fear I will hurt my children physically. I had a dream last night of hurting my daughter, can’t remember anything more about it.

Towards the end the colour red and thinking of elephants.

And the feeling of slowness, of feeling slow, but there was no need to go faster.

C2 trituration

Feeling that I neglected or abandoned my children by being here today.

When we started I had the feeling I had to close my eyes for the information to come through and when my eyes were closed it felt good; there was more rhythm when the eyes were closed; and I felt I an do this motion forever.

Smell of garlic.

Time going too quickly; I felt I was going to run out of time, I didn’t know what for, but I was running out of time.

There was an image of green hills all covered in green.

Spasm on the left side of back - C1; have to stretch.

Thinking of challenges lying ahead and how I will approach them.

Then these words “I want to escape all this, but where do I go?”

Also “I should trust; but who is there to trust?” I cannot link this to any situation; just words that came through.

Feel hot and uncomfortable, shoes must come off.

Itch in a small spot on right occiput.

Pressure in a small spot above the right eye; the eye felt funny, strained.

Dry left eye. Quite a few eye symptoms, dry eyes, burning eyes, feeling strained.

“I am going to run out of time” Did not know what for, just words that came through. There was a feeling of other trituration experiences before which were healing, but I don’t know about this one and then the feeling that I must put good energy into this substance.

Still want small sips of water but the thirst is not as intense as during C1.

Suddenly half way through I felt very tired and sleepy. The feeling was something from outside was draining my energy; my life force and then thought I need to identify and protect myself from this entity.

Time went too quickly; could not believe it was over when I looked at the watch.

Then another thought, “How fortunate am I to have all this knowledge”. I didn’t know what knowledge; not related to homoeopathy necessarily.

Slight nausea sitting at the pit of my throat.

Tightness on right side of scalp and pressure in and around the ear.

And then again the thought of “This is not me writing here but something from outside”.

Also the thought if I trituration faster and harder, it will become clearer who or what this presence is.

Itch in the middle of the back; I had to scratch. Very small spot, it was very itchy.

“I need to go into myself and block out the outside world to get clarity on everything”.

Then the thought “I want material things but they are so insignificant”.

“I have the ability to destroy others, be careful”.

Tightness in muscle of face, eyes, around mouth.

And then I felt the pace was picking up there was almost an anxiety with that because everyone was going faster; a definite anxiety and restlessness.

“I do not dislike others”.

Then I thought, this is now enough, must open my eyes, have to stop information from coming through - too much.

C3 trituration

It is interesting about the deceit, because although that came later for me, I had the thought of “I have to be careful of those who are deceitful; I have to watch out and be careful not to be tricked”.

But before that with the grinding I was absolutely lost because when you say “stop” I couldn’t believe that the six minutes had gone and I actually wanted to slap you because I was in a very good place. The six minutes felt like seconds.

And the feeling of floating away again when I closed my eyes and I was in water, not the sea but like a lake and there was a taste of the water of the lake in my mouth, and it tasted like minerals, it made my mouth water, I wanted more of this taste.

And the thought was “I can let bad thoughts flow away when I’m in this place; nothing can touch or hurt me when I’m underwater, it’s safe, it’s protected, it’s like in a womb where there’s nothingness,

I don’t have to think I can just be”.

So there was peace and happiness, I don’t want this feeling to go and then you said “stop grinding”, I was so disappointed. There was the thought, “I just want to capture this feeling.” But it didn’t come back again. I am open to new knowledge.

Then the thought of the deceit came through; I have to be careful of those who are deceitful, have to watch out and be careful not to be tricked.

Dry eyes, worse on the left.

There was also a feeling of weightlessness floating in outer space

An itchy foot on left side - small spot.

And then the thought “I am not insignificant, I have a purpose”.

And then about the third round there was a sudden draining of energy, the arms were very heavy with the tongue feeling too big for the mouth.

Thinking of children in my family, nephew, nieces, felt a strong connection.

Feeling of being determined to succeed even though difficult and a lot of obstacles.

Interesting, although the time went very fast there was suddenly a thought of frustration that things don’t happen faster, why is everything so slow - so sort of contradictory.

“I do not always have to do the right thing, I can do what I want because what I want will be the right thing”. A thought that made me feel quite liberated. Then there was a thought that maybe this is a milk remedy. And then towards the end there was the thought of flowers, I think I would call them lilies, if I can, but in bright colours, red, orange, purple, yellow.

And a constriction in throat, I can’t swallow but I have to keep on trying. And pain on the left side intercostal muscles, I had to stretch, I had to release the pain.

C4 trituration

The first thing was there are two polarities in the remedy and there’s a strong theme of judgement versus non judgemental.

Left nostril again; itchy nose.

There was a musical tone to the grinding; did not want to stop. And then the thought that “Music is all around us, if you just listen”.

Then also for me the sound like an oncoming train and that took my thoughts through a journey that we’re all travelling somewhere and then maybe slightly similar to [triturationurator No. 2], the thought that our existence is so much bigger than what we think, everything happens for a purpose, nothing is without purpose and every experience is about learning and about discovering what is true. But in the end, it might all be for nothing.

Lots of spasm of intercostal muscles; have to stretch back or stand.

Heard a train braking.

Picture of Table Mountain and a lot of rocks.

Ears felt very hot, worse on the right.

Then I had the image of people dancing - like a tribe - dancing around a fire with the light of the fire reflected on their faces. The fire is cleansing and healing and hot.

And the image of the fire made me think of gold and what gold represents, wealth, power and beauty. And the other end would be coal which symbolises poor, dirty, polluted.

There’s a theme of music, which is also like gold: powerful, sacred, holy.

And then back to that deceitfulness; the thought that holy people can also be deceitful, can be powerful and I had the image of a Buddhist monk and a priest/pope at the same time - I don’t know what that means; but at the same time we can see the opposite that there also can be good people.

They are or can be those who protect and have inner goodness. Mountains, Tibet, holy, sacred.

Felt closer and more connected to the substance on this level.

Image of God, can’t see but it must be golden light, peace, security, protected.

Then there was the thought that the eye is vulnerable and should be looked after, although the only physical sensation remaining was dryness.

Prostitutes rejected other end, but are they bad or merely desperate; we should not judge prostitutes, rather judge those who behave like prostitutes when they don’t have to.

Images of holy water, bible, cathedrals, holy places, dead bodies.“

So difficult not to judge when I am always judged and criticised by others”.

I want to be high up on a mountain, same feeling as underwater; isolated, safe, protected, alone - a good feeling.

Also [triturationurator No. 5, in C1 trituration round] mentioned earlier about the star there was just an image of a golden star surrounded by golden light and it felt warm and inviting. The ultimate goal is to be in this light.

Outside of this light it is dark, cold and isolated and it’s not a good isolation and because of this the thought of life after death and what happens.

And very itchy ear lobes, had to remove earrings.

TRITURATIONURATOR NO 7

C1 trituration

I found myself thinking quite a lot; about things like the principles of normal molecular, quantitative stoichiometry do not apply here. I discussed this with a chemist that you can’t be guaranteed that when we’re doing a trituration and you’re scraping, that you’re actually making a molecularly homogeneous mixture - yet it works. So what I was thinking was that the grinding and scraping was the Buddhist work of homoeopathy, just capturing the energy which refines it and transmits it from trituration to trituration.

That theme came up a few other times, I thought in a way, potentially, it looks like a homogeneous mixture but the experience of it is that we’re creating this homogeneity and equalness.“

I write what I like - I say what I say - the bowls are singing”.

“ To write is a joy to escape the interminable grind”.

I was thinking about writing and the time grinding. The more I wrote the less usable the product would be due to time spent writing versus grinding. But then I thought the product is not for pharma use anyway, so who cares!

Nose is a little sniffy.

I am going to get some use out of this exercise - to exercise my shoulders or shoulder blades or upper back or lower back or muscles, to get stronger and fitter, to repair, to rehabilitate, to improve!

Purely mixing a trituration cannot guarantee a perfect molecular dispersion to be carried forward trituration to trituration level. It must be the energy that moves forward, held in the mix - sensually we see the trituration as homogeneous and well mixed, that is our experience.

“Pity the bugger who gets my half-baked trituration - but it feels good enough for me”.

I was aware of speed. I was aware of different speeds of triturationuraton; sometimes some of the bowls were singing.

I was also thinking a bit about my patients and my move to the Seychelles that I'd like to let them know and encourage those who have not had much success to have a final fling at getting their constitutional remedy.

Left-handed grinding, slow, weak, clumsy, uncoordinated; needs lots of effort to spin a few slow revolutions - tiring.

I heard at one point the sound was like a dull background roar; like the sound of a seashore in the distance.

And then I felt like going very fast, faster, faster ‘let’s grind the shit out of this remedy’.

C2 trituration

I was thinking about patients, a new one whom I suddenly thought needs Strontium or a salt thereof; some sort of column 2 remedy - he’s very adaptable and very needy.

I was happy with the slower, softer grind.

And then I had a strong resentment with trituration, like boredom, the interminable repetition, slowness, waste of time - it takes so long; no patience, then I felt better for expressing my truth.

Stiff neck came up, and pain in the left lateral occiput, close to the jaw, it felt like a tension pain, related to the root canal; it was better for pressure on the point.

I noticed my mind was wandering, very nicely, very enjoyable, thinking about surf ski race last night. Gave it a right royal tonk on the last lap home; reeled in the two young girls who had effortlessly passed me in the first section.

The pestle has a rhythm and a control of its own - more effortless.

Then I felt like I’m wasting time; the cricket is on the go and I don’t know what the score is, I wonder if it’s raining; what will be will be. I think England deserve the series; then I feel it’s a fate of rain and time.

I think that Wanderers is a “bridge too far” and I think it’s a damn good effort by Smith and company, but I fear that it will be a draw; but at least they’ll go down fighting.

Then I thought of a reggae song from the 1980s called “Fighting, fighting... Jah warrs”; I think it’s The Ramones.

Then thinking about patients again, especially far-flung ones, need to contact, try and see and refer on somehow e.g. in Port Elizabeth.

Feeling hot and I’ve been giving the pestle a good tonk as well.

Mind is wandering; root canal, scraping inside tooth canal; periosteal damage - sepsis and asepsis. And UV light as an antimicrobial.

The work of a homoeopath is so interior; so on my off hours I want to go big on exterior: surf ski; kayak; get outside into the sun to walk and sweat; feel the muscles work until physically tired; a high heart rate, breathing like a steam train; competing physically and loving it.

Then think about scraping and not too hard, only enough force to loosen the stuff. I was thinking early as well that too much scraping could bring some metal into the mix and it would be less pure.

C3 trituration

I had a large mortar and pestle which I enjoyed.

And then I thought of just using one hand but not holding the mortar and then grinding and then I saw that the mortar was spinning slowly.

I also saw that grey and sticky look to the substance.

And then I thought you know, C4 trituration, I heard something about spiritual; then I couldn’t remember what C3 was.

And then I thought “spiritual smiritual who cares as long as you’ve got your health”.

I prefer scraping versus grinding. When I heard you can “start grinding” my heart sinks. During scraping I seem to be able to disassociate better.

With scraping you can see something happening, you know, moving and removing the paste from the sides, clearing it up into one nice pile.

With grinding I think, “how fast can I go?” Not necessarily trying too go hard. And then if I do go fast, how long can I keep up before exhaustion sets in.

Thinking about all sorts of things: PhD homoeopathy, travel, flying and homoeopathy.

And then itchy left eye of the inner canthus.

Toes numb, right leg, small toes a bit numb; feet sore, too much standing.

Intensely itchy back of left hand.

And then I thought about the substance “substance, schmubstance, who cares as long as you’ve got your health”.

C4 trituration

I didn’t notice anything, nothing really happened.

Actually I thought what if nothing happened, what if nothing comes out of this phase? Then the grinding felt smooth. Then when you did say “stop grinding” I was surprised to hear it because I was actually enjoying it for a change. Enjoying thoughts about really getting fit and strong to paddle like a demon.

And at one point I had enough of scraping, so I stopped scraping even though you hadn’t said it; I wanted just to start grinding.

I got the pestle and then I thought “oh well it’s my own time coming in now”.

There were very overtly sexual feeling about women giving me a hand job; women doing it to other men, ejaculation in young men full of sexual life.

Thoughts wandering: friends, watching rugby together.

Then while scraping I had an image of the planet earth from space in the pattern of the trituration on the bowl; looked like those sort of wispy clouds up above the polar regions- Antarctica or N. Pole.

And then a feeling, that I enjoy competition, to beat others, feel like I can and I should do it - enjoyable. And I should extend myself to beating men not just young girls.

More overt sexual feelings, feeling hot; the mind, thoughts wandering about future actions; how to transport the remedies to the Seychelles, by sea or air, things like that.

TRITURATIONURATOR NO. 8

C1 trituration

I had three very vivid dreams last night.

1st dream I was in my car travelling in an alley or a road that had just enough space for one vehicle and another car came in the opposite direction towards me, not at high speed.

And I felt obligated to, or at least felt that one of us should shift over.

Then I assessed the road on either side and I noticed only my side of the road had a pavement and the other side had no pavement at all I felt obliged to move over on to the pavement to try and let the other person through.

Just the feeling there was like I had to make the effort to allow the other person through because the pavement was on my side and not on his side. And yet there wasn’t anger, I don’t know how to describe the feeling from the dream, but it was almost as if, why was the pavement on my side, why did I have to turn my wheel over on to a high curb and damage my car? It was almost like a control issue, I was obliged to move over. - - - -

2nd I was wheeling a trolley, like a Pick n’ Pay-type trolley full of stuff, it wasn’t shopping; it was like motor vehicle parts and a whole lot of rubbish.

And there was no space left in the trolley from what I could see and I had a bucket of tennis balls that I had in my hand but I was thinking of putting it in the trolley, but I thought “no” there was no space for this bucket in the trolley, so someone came behind me and whispered into my ear “Your bucket of balls can go right there.” and I said “No, no, there’s no space for the bucket of balls.”

He said “Yes there is space, put it there.” So again I felt obliged to put the bucket where he said, so I put it there and when I moved the trolley, the bucket of balls tippled over and all the balls went rolling down the road into a garden and ended up being dispersed over the whole garden and then I had to spend the next hour searching for all the balls while this trolley sat there.

Again it was just this feeling of being aggravated, of upset of “Oh gosh, why did I listen to this person?” And just the feeling of “Why didn’t I just take my own opinion and make my own decision on that, why did I listen to someone else?” “Now for the next hour I’m stressed having to find all these lost balls.” - - - -

3rd dream, I entered a room and I saw an old friend of mine, she’s a bit older than me but in the dream she was a lot older now, she was like in her 60s, grey hair and she smiled at me and said to me

“Oh jeez I’ve got such wonderful news, I’ve finally found my remedy and now I’ve met the man of my dreams and now I’ve got married and I’m happy.” She’s been single all her life and now she’s gotten married in her 60’s and I kind of almost felt like “Well what’s the point; you’re supposed to marry when you’re young, you go through your whole life alone only for this to happen to you in your 60’s!” - - - -

The theme is based on the issue that I haven’t found anyone in my life, neither have I found my remedy. And this person an old friend has gone through the same circumstance and the same issue and we once joked about it that she couldn’t find a guy and I couldn’t find a girl in my life.

But in the dream there she was very at peace within herself that she’d found someone. In one respect there was envy and jealousy, and “Oh gosh why am I still sitting and my life is stagnation and loneliness and nothing happens?” And she’s actually content, she’s bloody content at the age of 60 and I thought if I have to reach 60 I’ll be dead!

Then with regard to the trituration itself, maybe I should go back again to yesterday.

Some stuff happened yesterday and the day before, I’m convinced unrelated to the trituration, although if you want me to I’ll send the story to you.

It put me into an intense Nat-m. state yesterday, where I didn’t want to be around people today, I had a lump in my throat, I felt absolutely awful and it still kind of carried through today. Circumstances led me to such an extent I was tempted to either take a dose of Nat-m. last night which I didn’t or phone you and tell you that I wasn’t in the right state of mind to do it today at all.

Entering the trituration I felt peace, calm and tranquil and that carried through to the first stage of C1 trituration; I felt great, at peace, I felt gentle and kind and loving and all those things that are an extension of meditation pulling though into the trituration itself.

An then, it was almost like a circular switch, my mind started switching on to reality and reflecting back on what had happened yesterday and the day before - the personal circumstances - , and I couldn’t switch my mind off on those issues. So there was this tug of war, I was trying to tell myself, “Just remove yourself from that situation in mind and do the exercise”, and I couldn’t. My mind was going off on a tangent I was thinking and feeling terrible about past circumstances.

Then issues of anger came up, of revenge came up, which is not me at all. I’ll tell you the exact story later.

More like feeling the victim, and issues of self-value and self-worth; not how dare this happen to me, but I can’t believe that sort of thing has happened to me. Rather than feeling like Nat-m. like

I felt yesterday, feeling more angry.

Physically, may have been air-conditioning, my posterior pharynx was very dry, I noticed the dryness at the back of my throat, where it was a bit uncomfortable for a while.

Also I noticed my legs going to sleep and I had to actually make sure I moved them around and not standing still for too long a period and they definitely went very cold and a little bit numb.

C2 trituration

I just want to go to sleep!

Ja, I couldn’t stop my left brain activity again and then I got into this notion with left and right; the concept of left brain and right brain got stuck in my head.

My thoughts were stuck on those types of words and thoughts, like the right brain is more creative and can just move more into the present whereas the left brain is more consumed by thinking thoughts and my mind was just racing on the subject of thoughts and after a period time I felt like I’d completely detached myself and even my emotions and I was just a left brain entity.

Then I went into a much more quiescent and quiet phase where I was able to relax.

And then at some stage in the trituration I had this idea that are we really gathering reliable information. So wouldn’t it be more useful if people could just speak their mind at that moment in time when they’re triturationting, but then I thought that wouldn’t work because everyone would be babbling.

I thought well I heard recently, they’ve developed a device that can attach electrodes to the brain and can actually translate the thoughts into words, so I thought maybe we could attach electrodes to everyone’s brain and just decipher all their thoughts so that they don’t miss anything out in a trituration.

I thought so there must be a lot of reliable information lost in these triturations because we’re just grabbing onto that which we feel is relevant; we filter the information.

But then I thought there could be a more sinister application for these electrodes, because stuff could go in rather than going out, then I thought to myself “just shuddup” and get back to reality.

Then when triturationting with my right arm my elbow got stuck, not that it was painful but I actually couldn’t bend it, almost like frozen shoulder but here in the elbow where I’d have to slowly stretch it and almost get that kind of crepitus type click. I’ve been triturationting regularly and it’s never happened before.

Then I started developing like a headache, a right sided headache, and soon as I was aware of the headache, then I thought “Yeah, now let me note down the characteristics of the headache” and I only noticed it in the direction of what I was aware of so I don’t know whether it was a head ache that moved from the post orbital region through to the occipital region, or whether it was only I drew my awareness from the front and then thought, no hang it’s also here and there and the whole right cerebral hemisphere, but it may have been a headache that moved from the front to the back because the way it drew my awareness was from the front to the back.

And then the last thing, I developed a craving for chicken; also again I have a family that enjoys that type of food and I certainly haven’t joined in any of that Kentucky fried chicken eating in 10 years.

I don’t know if it’s the idea that revolted me or that it’s unhealthy type of eating...or whether it’s the cruelty to the chicken that also goes through a production process, but I’ve just been off that for 10-15 years, but I’ve developed a craving for chicken.

And then when it came towards the end, again crazy thoughts where looking at the pestle, it almost looked like a sexual connotation or something like when I stared scraping with the scraper I was actually making myself do a DNC or something like that.

An then the last part was when I looked at the table and I saw I’m No. 8 and I visualised a snake.

C3 trituration

Very, very little. My mind is just running through all sorts of stuff, but nothing that was totally out of the ordinary for the most part, nothing that had a recurring theme or no images, or, nothing.

My mind was very active in thoughts again, but stuff that I may think about if I was given the space and time to think; quiet time if you’re not able to find that repose and quiet space in your mind to think.

... my mind was over-active so maybe that’s a theme in itself, because usually I can just calm my mind down not to be too perturbed by issues; but then again, it’s been a week of issues, so I don’t know if that had something to do with it.

There was a moment when I had like an anxiety of conscience, I kind of felt almost remorse or guilty for having said certain things or having thought certain things.

There was one very peculiar thought though of ....against the wall and that was I had a very strange patient yesterday and whilst doing the trituration I thought, I wonder whether it wasn’t like a joke, you know, like a set up type of patient, like that person was looking to test me or something like that and then the word that came up was ‘deception’ and I felt like maybe I was deceived like maybe there was another agenda to the patient’s visit rather than a consult itself; there were certain irregularities that didn’t match up from the patient’s history of the symptoms through to the examination and it required me to make certain decisions which felt peculiar for me to advise the patient on; I don’t know, so it was just a moment in the trituration when I kind of went back to that consultation yesterday and thought about it.

I don’t know if I would ordinarily have given time and thought to it, but it was a strange thought to think that there was a patient coming to see you for an ulterior motive; so that was worth noting down.

The last bit is that towards the end of the last trituration and this trituration I think it’s a pimple or acne or something that’s come up on my inferior and posterior aspect of my pinna of my right ear; never had any acne there before and it’s a little bit sensitive, I can actually feel it’s sore when I touch it. It actually started in the C2 trituration at the end of our discussion, and now it feels like it’s come to a head; but I didn’t pay too much attention to it then, but now I’m very aware of it being there.

C4 trituration

From the C1 trituration to the C3 couldn’t remove myself from the attachment of the past, was reflecting back on circumstances and things and people and things that affect me and all that sort of stuff - ego driven.

And then like in the C4 trituration I almost had like this outbreath, this exhale, it was like a laugh and leave the world behind me and then I thought I’m going to go into a philosophical reverie or stream of thought that is going to encompass me further, and it didn’t happen. In fact it was the complete opposite, I was so seduced by the awareness that we were coming to the end [of the trituration] that I was getting more and more excited, more and more energetic, more rebellious within myself, more jovial and completely elated by the prospect that our whole programme was going to come to an end.

I felt the prospect of the freedom, the release was so seductive that I couldn’t engage any further in the process at all, I felt not helpful to you or the trituration. I felt very restless and cheerful and jovial and had a song, a tune in my head and then

I had a moment where I thought no I’m losing out here, I've really got to switch off the addiction because it felt like that, and I needed to get back into the whole process so I closed my eyes and tried to go back into a meditative state and then I almost slipped off my chair. I just went weak, it was like in order to be present physically I had to be fuelled by the excitement and the adrenalin; if I tried to cut that off, I almost kind of went to sleep or it was like I went out of my body; that was the kind of experience that I had.

My feeling was that if we had closed today and come back tomorrow, I don’t think I’d feel like it; just for me the whole process of the trituration had become so painful, cos I do them so often that I actually dread having to do it and when I see the prospect of coming to the end, then I feel....

I never do a trituration all in one go, this is the first time I’ve done it all in one go; generally I’m very subdued after a trituration; even if I happen to do two in a row, like C1 and C2 I never have that high energy in a trituration, I’ve done a few C4s as well and still haven’t had that high energy, I just felt absolutely zapped.

And I don’t know if its because paradoxically I was obviously doing a substance that I was going to be utilising so that in itself means I could approach it in a mature way whereas it was almost immaturity that took over and said “what the hell” and the thought of freedom was so seductive.

I feel like I have more energy now, but if you told me to start C1 - I’d probably have the energy to do it again!

I had one physical symptom, I had a very, very sharp like lancinating pain into the l. side, the parietal lobe, it was very sharp and lasted maybe about five or six seconds, very noticeable and then it passed.

And the other physical symptom was my right elbow got stuck in an earlier trituration and now my left elbow got stuck as well, it almost felt as if I could have dislocated my elbow; I’m not lax jointed or anything like that - it almost felt like I was lax-jointed.

TRITURATIONURATOR NO 9

C1 trituration

At first I was apprehensive...Archangel Michael. I started off with blue; the powder was in the mortar and it was smiling for some reason; I don’t know why.

I felt very affectionate, and loving towards the substance and I needed to take care of it. And while I’m writing down I’m thinking “Oh, these people are going to think I’m so crazy.” and then I’m like, “Oh I don’t care what they think; I have to write this stuff.”

I also had that quality, like my eyes feel like I’m chopping onions, just a sting and then it was gone.

I was singing “Here we go round the mulberry bush” it was very childish; I felt like it was something that had to be handled with lots of care and while I’m caringly scraping it I don’t mind how it falls, as long as it’s contained, in the mortar; feels like my child - I was very gentle with it.

I thought [triturationurator No. 1] was scraping too hard “Don’t be so harsh”, there were tears in my eyes, feeling sorry for the mortar, for the remedy, I don’t know. Felt they were scraping too hard.

I’m feeling lost in the substance, I imagined snail shells or shells, I could stare at the remedy for ever, so loving...It’s MINE - very possessive.

I had burning sensations around my right side from head to my thigh.

The remedy was doing its own thing in the mortar; let the remedy play, I don’t mind it playing in there. I felt like it had its own little play ground there.

Then I had sensation of someone holding my right arm, like grabbing it around, with pressure then gone.

Tears in my eyes, I want to cry; [triturationurator No. 1] doing it too hard, OUCH, it hurts my ears. Itchy in my left ears - mainly on my left.

Thinking about breasts; God knows why, looks like that within mortar. And then I drew the exact same thing as [triturationurator No. 10], a circle with a dot in the centre.

Itching sensation on my right cheek moving to my left cheek.

Feel protective of the remedy.

Thinking about a spiritual singer - but not the hymn really - rather the love he sings with - soul stirring.

I didn’t want the grinding to end, I just wanted to keep on grinding. While scraping, thinking about bonds of friendship and how much I value friendships and then grinding again, gently, softly, I don’t want to hurt the remedy.

“I’m still such a kid.” And I wrote there I don’t know how I got to that thought; got lost. I’m feeling sorry I couldn’t be there for [triturationurator No. 1], I don’t know where that came from. I want to know how her morning was and apologise for not keeping in touch in the last few days. Feel so pathetic; feel like a loser. It was like kind of self-destructive.

I wanted to thank [triturationurator No. 5] for helping me with my allergy; I felt like such a bad person for not thanking him first and I wanted to cry again.

With the 3rd powder, I was itchy and sensitive on the face and arms.

And then there’s one part where I clenched my teeth and I’m squeezing the pestle and I was grinding hard - grinding the shit out of it - I wanted grinding to be hard, deep and with force, until the mortar goes swivelling around; thinking about all the unresolved issues I have; every relationship that I thought was unresolved went around my head, feel sad and sleepy.

With the scraping, I was making patterns like waves, and the way I was grinding reminded me of how waves move in the ocean, the churning of it, in and out; because I was never moving in one direction, I was all over the place. I was also thinking of Nat-m. and salt.

C2 trituration

I lost it completely.

When I started off I felt content; but also lots of shifting; I want to help others; it was just completely random things coming to me; very spaced and drifting from one thought to the other, nothing very...it was like past relationships...I felt like I really went into myself, very inward and deep...

Then this whole issue of love: “Why are we searching for love? What is it that drives us? Why is it a need and not a want? Is it really that important?”

Really going inward, wondering why I am the way I am. So happy being in stress or being in love with things that aren’t good or right for me. “Why do I thirst for that which can not be mine? Why do I like a challenge so much? Why can’t I just do the easy things in life? Am I really masochistic?”

I feel like I’m selfish.

Eyes burning.

Still so gentle with the remedy...

“I must learn to keep secrets, why do I share everything?”

Lost in thought, thinking about what proving I want to do - sense of eagerness and excitement about it.

Then I had the thought that this whole issue with time is such an illusion; can’t believe how quickly it goes. “Does it even exist? What does time really mean? Why is our world governed by it?

Why are there such rules? Why shouldn’t we do what we feel like doing when we feel like it? Why does time have to be such a priority?” I feel like I’m stuck in a system I don’t want to be part of.

I had a stabbing pain in the mid-back to the right of my spine, it felt like a bee piercing my skin; it burned, and then it itched, then it went away.

And then I also felt kind of dead; I don’t feel passionate or argumentative - normally I get passionate, I spark, when talking about non-conforming to society, but now thinking about non-conforming,

that same spark of passion didn’t arise; dead.

I don’t want to write - feel lazy or uninterested - I just want to dwell in my mind.

Thinking about how badly relationships end off with me. “Why do I enjoy it?”

Thinking “my whole life is twisted, perversion of humanity”. But then, “what is right and what is wrong, but just man-made social standards?” “Why must I conform? Just do what makes me happy,

even if it is ‘wrong’. As long as I don’t hurt others.”

I want to play with the remedy; I felt like the remedy has been through enough, I don’t want to grind it anymore, I just want to play with it.

Thinking about my mum and her life and her issues, her failed marriage, about past relationships, past memories. My mum says her life was a lie. Is that how life is?

What’s the point?

Generally lost in thought, about the past; relationships, jokes, good memories; feel a release or appreciation for all that was.

Feel like I was yearning for something, but don’t know what, like a deep internal longing, feel lost in another time and place. Feel like I’m in a deep place within myself. Like I’m not who I show myself to be; like my entire consciousness has shrunk and pulled into my core; very deep.

Feel like I have something unresolved within me; like a feeling that I have to do something, but I don’t know what, I feel grave and internal.

Feel like the remedy itself is crumbling.

I was reflecting on my life in the last year; completely lost in all that I’ve done. Just stuck there. Don’t want to write; too incoherent to put into words.

Completely spaced out, but calm.

When I walked out of there I had a massive headache on the left side in the temple area; like a tension.

Tell me about the feeling of the headache.

I don’t know....like a pulling down.

And now it’s gone?

It’s kind of there, but not as intense as what it was.

C3 trituration

For the first part I felt like the remedy was singing to me beautifully and I was just lost in its power.

Felt like jokey and mischievous; wanted to copy [triturationurator No. 1's] notes or make my remedy disappear from the mortar and I thought “Mmmm how can I do that?”

Then I was thinking about tiredness.

Then how once it starts then you know will be over soon; like when you’re born, you know you’re going to die. So once the trituration starts, you know it’s going to end soon. It all starts to end.

I was lost within myself and enjoying it, I was in a happy place.

Thinking about continents and the world; how small we are, yet it is us that makes it whole. No matter how insignificant, we still make a difference.

I wanted to draw flowers and pretty girly things [draws curly petals of a flower].

I was content and peaceful. I have all my issues but I’m okay with it; everything is as it’s meant to be. I feel aloof from the world, I don’t care where the remedy is going.

I feel like doodling and drawing unimportant things [ draws a flower, on a stalk with one leaf; a heart and the outline of a smiling face].

Falling asleep; feel like I’m going to pass out.

Crave ice-cream with nuts and chocolate.

The powder is all over the mortar and I don’t really care.

Itchy in the left side of neck.

Totally BLANK - SPACED OUT.

Confusion, I couldn’t recall what day it was today, what time of day, where I was; feel like I’m in a constant state of day dreaming.

Then when I woke up, left temporal headache shooting down to the neck; it was an intense throbbing pain, and then it was gone.

C4 trituration

I started off feeling content.

Feel like I’m in a constant state of daydreaming.

Wish I could go out and go into like another world.

I didn’t know what I was doing; again thinking just random thoughts of things that happened ... yesterday.

Mind is just thinking what it wants; I don’t mind. Feel like I’m achieving something - don’t know what.

Detached, I’m not feeling the substance anymore, I don’t think I want it, take it away from me, feel like it’s not something I can relate to anymore; take it away, I want to sleep.

I feel like I can’t support my weight; I’m too heavy; my head is falling, I have to hold my head up. Feel drained, zapped of energy. Feel like I’m not getting anywhere; it’s told me all it could.

Just bored. Started reading [triturationurator No. 1's] work, but hers was blank; started laughing, we were sharing the same sentiments.

Then I said, I wonder if I should lie and just make up something to say. I thought about the deception.

TRITURATIONURATOR NO. 10

C1 trituration

I started off thinking about frogs and toads, and then blue water, I had a lot of blue stuff coming up - blue water.

Then I thought about a dream I had last night in which my sister was holding the tail of a long, straight, very patterned snake and coming straight towards me and pointing it like a rod.

And then blue just light, light blue and blue water lilies. I was thinking of the blueness of a water lily and I had a witch doctor come out at me.

And then later on I thought about my folks they live in Tsitsikamma - they’ve got a pond which has got a swimming pool in the middle; it’s got blue water lilies all around it.

My right eye was very itchy and I had a pain in my right temple.

Then I started thinking about my practice and consulting and my thoughts were wandering; just about different methods of consulting.

The main thing was it was important for me if I have to refer patients to another practitioner that they would consult in the same way I would and I thought I would actually want to sit in with

another homoeopath and know that my patients would be safe with someone else; that was the main thing. But it was care and worry for my own patients.

After the 1st sac lac powder I had this picture of a bus and blue, blue, blue sky; around a stationary bus and that was in my head.

I thought about transport; the main thing was the blue sky behind it though.

Then I went on to this thing about injustice; and I got angry that people plant the wrong ideas in our youths’ naive minds, ruining or spoiling purity and innocence through spoken words.

Then I was very aware that I was very isolated from everyone; the whole time I’d been boxed into my own space, and not really actually aware that there were people around me. I was very

much in my own space; I was very happy to be alone and isolated like that.

And then the bus picture came back into my head; one bus and blue surroundings; it was an isolation of the bus with the blue surroundings. [drawing of bus set against a sky blue background]

Then I had a picture of an aeroplane with blue sky behind it.

And then I said, “Always one object surrounded by blue sky and was also isolated” [drawing of aeroplane set against a blue background].

Thought about embryo and a foetus in an amniotic sac surrounded by nothing. The main thing is it was something surrounded by nothingness; it was isolated [drawing of an oval with small black

central core].

Then I thought about a reindeer with a red nose - the red nose was the point of focus, the surrounding was not important. Always one thing surrounded by nothingness.

Very itchy and my nose was running quite a bit.

After the 2nd sac lac power, I had to go back to the pictures I’d drawn and colour them in and make it clear the picture or main object in each picture was surrounded by nothing i.e. the point of

focus is the nose (red) not the surroundings; the surroundings are unimportant; shows isolation.

Then I had this thing about being slower than everyone else and must catch up; I was happy to be slower than everyone else but I did feel as if I was very slow; thought about Calc. and their slow development.

C2 trituration

When I started off, the powder seemed very smooth.

I still can’t function very well.

My arm was very heavy when I was trying to do the trituration; my right arm felt like it was heavy and weighted; it was just a mission to do anything.

My sense of smell was very acute, I could smell alcohol.

Eyes very heavy, dull and heavy and slow.

I feel like I’m oversized, like I’m bigger than what I really am, like an elephant, very slow.

Very itchy as well I had a lot of itching everywhere; starting on the right eye, like in C1, but then left leg, left shoulder, left wrist and later on I had a lot of itching on back

Very sleepy no energy.

My bra is irritating me, feels too tight, I want to rip it off.

Then I actually felt I didn’t know what was going on. I didn’t know if I was grinding or scraping, or whether I was even part of the whole process, I was very numb.

No thoughts; I didn’t even know if I’d been there, or what I’d done, or where we were.

Dull, stagnant mind.

Serious brain fag, I feel stupid and numb, I can’t even think how to spell words and I have a feeling of being trapped; that happened for a long time.

Then I felt like I had been drugged and had a picture of being stuck in a cell and isolated.

Then I saw [supervisor of this research] walking outside and I just had this vision of me screaming and hanging onto the bars, shouting to her to save me “get me out of here, someone is drugging me.

Then I had a picture of concentration camps and pale, skinny people with dark glazed eyes that are suffering, stuck in a cell with no life no soul, sucked out of them, very isolated.

Then I thought about jaundice - I was back onto those people - and I saw their see- through skin like geckos. They’re completely isolated, but they can’t change their situation.

Then I felt like my whole face is drooping and I was frowning.

Right ear got very itchy, back and shoulders.

And then I started picturing the powder as being this thick, yellow, mustard colour, soft, mushy, gelatinous kind of substance that we shouldn’t be pushing so hard. I was actually offended by other people scraping so hard. I wanted to make it as quiet as possible, it felt like it should be soft and mushy and we were crushing the life out of the mussel.

Worse for noise of mortars; irritating me; other people scraping so hard. It’s squashing the mussel.

NOISE; VERY ACUTE HEARING.

C3 trituration

When I first started off I was still very much wishy washy, spaced out.

I felt like the bottom of my mortar was uneven; it felt like I was going over bumps and it made me think of stones and rocks.

I felt hypnotised by the scraping, like I was lost in time, like I was not there.

Very itchy, super itchy, very, very itchy; worse for scratching.

Itchy lips and nose, itchy, itchy, itchy.

And then I had this very strange pinching pain here in my lower abdomen, on the right and I kept checking my body for like a rash, all over me, it was so itchy.

And then I went through this whole thing where I don’t know where I am, I’m not attached to this place, I’m not attached to the trituration; how long have I been here, what are we doing?

I felt very detached, hypnotised, my mind is not part of my body, I’m floating; Chrys’ voice [the researcher of this study] is like some alien instructing me to do something and then I’m like where am I, what am I doing?

And then that passed and I felt like I was drifting and I just had this picture of a ship wreck; wrought iron came to mind, and corroded, rusted metal, metal that had been corroded in salt water - that popped into my head and then my head cleared up a little bit - no it didn’t, very spaced out, no thoughts. Feeling bad that I’m not contributing anything except itchiness.

And then I saw this sort of picture [shows drawing of a mitochondrion]; it popped into my head and those were the colour and it made me think of the sea and mitochondria, urchins, or mussels.

Then I suddenly had an image of cancer and I tried to describe what the image looked like, but I couldn’t describe it. I said “foreign object which is attached to another thing”. Can’t describe anything; no words are coming to mind [picture of a 0.5cm solid circle with eight one cm, wavy spokes radiating from it].

And then suddenly it made me feel like it was linked to the earlier isolation theme, where there was a focus point which was catching my attention but it is the surrounding area that is more important.

We need to save the surrounding area in other words save the “reindeer” from the “red nose”.

Then I talk about chemo patients and the chemo patients looked like the people in the concentration camp; with the isolation.

Pain lower right abdomen; worse for pressure and contracting pains in the abdomen came back.

C4 trituration

I had an itchy nose with, well actually my whole face was itchy, especially here in the crease of my mouth.

But my nose started to run in the beginning of the trituration and then scratching did make it better but I was sniffing a lot, but that’s gone now.

Then I had this thing that I have no affection for this remedy, I usually in the other triturations I’ve done, I usually want to take the substance; I usually go through the loving and nurturing of the substance, but this one I don’t like very much. I don’t care for the substance at all, it makes me itch, I feel as if it’s poisonous; I feel very angry towards the remedy.

I have no desire to stick to the rules of the trituration. I feel conned.

I have this image of [the supervisor of this research] sitting in a little room with this evil grin on her face making us trituration for no reason and rubbing her hands and laughing at us and then the thought of that made me giggle and I kind of like eased up a little bit.

But then straight away I went back in there and felt like cursing everyone.

Wetting this bitch of a remedy. WATER is this remedy’s enemy. Would love to pour my water on it.

I need a hot bath to kill any remains.

Vorwort/Suchen Zeichen/Abkürzungen Impressum