Fulgurite = Petrified Lightning/= Lechatelierite/= Libyanite/= Darwin Glass/= SiO2

x!y

Vergleich: Siehe: Silicea + Blitz + Imponderables + Amorph

 

[Misha Norland and Mani Norland]

http://www.homeopathyschool.com/the-school/provings/

 

Fulgurite is formed by lightning.x strike fusing silica.x grains in the ground. They are common around beaches and lakes and can take on a variety of forms. Previously a sample of this ďmeteoriteĒ has been found

to contain fossilised microorganisms so there has been a lot of interest in proving that it is in fact from space!

 

Lightning and the Gods

Many cultures have myths about a god who is the divine source of thunder and lightning. Such a god does not have a typical depiction, as it will vary according to the culture. In Indo-European cultures, the Thunder God is frequently known as the chief or king of the gods, e.g. Indra in Hinduism, Zeus in Greek mythology, and Perun in ancient Slavic religion; or a close relation thereof, Thor, son of Odin, in Norse mythology.

Zeus, the god of the sky and ruler of all the gods on Olympus is well known for the lightning bolt he brandishes. His portrayal in Greek mythology is that of a powerful leader responsible for justice and mercy,

the lightning bolt being used to punish those who transgress.

The ancient Slavic God Perun is described as a rugged man with a copper beard. He rides in a chariot pulled by a goat buck and carries a mighty axe.

Thor, is modelled after his image, and is a fierce-eyed, red-haired and red-bearded, God of Norse mythology. He is the hammer-wielding deity associated with lightning storms, oak trees, strength, the protection

of mankind, and also healing and fertility.

Zulu, Xhosa and Pondo African mythology: lightning bird features; the creature is sometimes black and white with red/green iridescent feathers. The bird is associated with witchcraft and it is said that the bird has

the power to summon bolts of lightning to shoot out from its claws and wings. It is said that the bird would sometimes change into a good-looking man in order to seduce young women.

Lightning in religion

Christian Bible: many occurrences of lightning being hurled down from the heavens. This was described as an act of punishment by God, striking those who had done wrong, alternatively some believe it is the brightness of Godís presence blazing forth. Several religious building and statues have been struck by lightning and religious believers see it as a sign of Godís displeasure with the evil in the world.

Lightning Struck Sand

Wikipedia: on Earth, the lightning frequency is approximately 40 - 50x a second or nearly 1.4 billion flashes per year and the average duration is 30 microseconds.

Fulgurites (from the Latin fulgur, meaning "thunderbolt") are the varietal name given to fused quartz, silicon dioxide, which has been heated by the action of lightning striking a desert and locally melting the sand.

The best-known fulgurites are found in quartz sands, where they take the form of tubes that may be branched, sometimes exceeding a half-inch or more in diameter. The outer surfaces of fulgurites are often rough with adhering, unfused sand grains. The inner surfaces and openings of the tubes are usually smooth and glassy.

Rock Fulgurites are formed when lightning strikes the surface of a rock, melting and fusing the surface, and sometimes the interior of the rock.

Fused sand and rock may also be formed by meteorite impact and volcanic explosions and also by man made electrical arcs and high voltage discharges. In all cases of formation the temperature must be high enough to fuse the silicone dioxide, at least 1,800į C is required, totally transforming its structure. Because it is now amorphous, fulgurite is classified as a mineraloid. The event of transformation in the case of a lightning strike is measured in microseconds.

Above is an image of the specimen used in our proving. This being 3 by 4 cm it was conveniently placed in a glass jars and covered with good quality Vodka and sealed.

It was shaken lightly on a daily basis and in a month had provided the immersion tincture. This tincture was run up to 30 C potency in the classroom (substance unknown to provers), with provers taking turns at dilution and succussion, using Korsicovian methodology. The final potency of 30 C was used as the proving dose. As is our custom at the School of Homeopathy, just one dose was taken, proving diaries, and

one-to-one supervision, commencing from this point, and continuing for two months.

Here is the account of the woman who found it. ďI collected the fulgurite from the desert. A group of us went out riding to find them. We were nearWickenburg, Arizona. We spotted them on horseback and

then would jump off to collect them. The idea was to have a purpose while riding, rather than just drifting along. It's barren out there and then there are these fulgurites, which are like little treasures. Some glisten

a little in the light.Ē There are two components that join in the composition of a sand Fulgurite: there is silicone dioxide, the main component of sand, and the intense heat generated by electricity in the form of the incandescent plasma of the lightning strike. The latter transforms the structure of the former. When the sand resolidifies, it is changed forever. Lightning is classified as an imponderable in homeopathy.

This group of remedies are potentised from energy sources and include Sun light (Sol), Moon light (Luna), Magnetism, Electricitas, X-ray, Mobile phone radiation, Positronium decay radiation, etc. The influence of the energy is typically Ďcapturedí by lactose that is stirred while being irradiated, or by water in a vial that is close to the source. In the case of fulgurite however, it is sand that has become transformed by the encounter with lightning that is the source. The proving symptoms have little in common to the well known remedy Silica that is the result of slow precipitation of nodules of flint in lime-stone formations, and a lot in common with the themes of imponderables.

 

Proving themes of fulgurite extracted from the proving diaries:

Electricity/energy

Euphoria/Patterns/colours/vibrancy

Speed/excitement

High/vertex

Hot/pressing

Intensity/emotion/taste

Connection

Branching tubes/antlers

Exposed vs. hidden

Industry vs. lull

Flying vs. falling

Loss of

boundaries/invaded/sensitivity/paranoia

Grounded/earth

Blocked up

Disconnection

Obliteration/

violence/

anger/threat/tension

Stabbing/sharp

Aching

Itchy

Nausea

Depression/sadness/inevitability

Crying

 

A Ďstoryí using the proving themes of fulgurite:

It is high, at the vertex, there is a hot/pressing, speed/excitement builds with patterns/vibrancy there is intensity and a feeling of blocked up/tension, then there is sudden electricity/energy and a flying/falling down,

a loss of boundaries/invasion and then a connection is made with feeling grounded/earth but with a sharp/stabbing, followed by a n overwhelming sense of obliteration/violence/anger.

Then disconnection is felt; the lull after excitement and industry, a sadness sets in, until slowly the energy builds again, the hot pressing, the height, and the excitement. And so it goes around.

Provers Ďspeaking as oneí arranged alphabetically in themes

Aching

Ankle radiating ache

Ache along left thumb joint and up into left arm while sitting reading.

Very tense and aching neck, shoulders.

The axis of my spine around the c1 and c2's are aching because of looking up the whole time watching over my buddy as he climbs. > for massaging and pushing the knotted areas where it hurts the most.

My back symptoms are again slowly coming back after a few days lapse in symptoms. It is now not quite as overpowering as before but this slight achy feeling is now just in the background annoyance. The feeling

comes from the same spot on the left side of the spine about 3inches above the rib cage. It is quite usual this coming and going of my back symptoms but it is generally affected in new phases of my life, i.e.

moving around, new jobs but then it could easily come back once I am relaxed into a new phase too.

My back has started hurting again over the last week. I think it comes from painting my Christmas gifts and having to sit still in order to get detail into it or it could also come from my bike because I have notice

in the past week the seat has gone down from its normal height, putting more strain into cycling. The pain is all over, as from aching in my muscles and I can sense a high tension all the way down the sides of

the back, but mostly being about the middle where the lumbar and thoatic join or perhaps a little more in the thoatic. There is clicking but more like big thuds rather than lots of small clicks that go right the way

up and down my spine. Twisting the spine helps to alleviate some of the smarting pain around.

Back - hurt spine lifting.

Aching all along left leg all evening. Knee swelled up and one point was extremely sensitive to touch with sharp shooting pain.

Right side jaw joint. Aching pain, which was gone by morning. Extends to right ear. This felt like a symptom from 20 years ago. At the time I felt it was an arthritic pain. It was brief.

Left ankle still achy and sometimes wince from placing too much pressure, feels across the top of foot where foot meets bottom of leg.

Getting the same achy feeling as my ankle yesterday in my right toes.

Back ache 13 Ė 19 h. stiff back, feels fragile in certain positions, have to be careful how I move it.

Dull ache in left arm and hand while driving. May be related to playing a lot of violin.

Headache on right side, over the temple, across to the ear and down the neck. Dull constant ache with nausea and sometimes sore glands in neck.

I still have this feeling that my period is due; there is a slight dull cramping ache in the lower abdomen, pelvic area, on both sides quite equally.

Headache with the pain focused on the forehead and between the eyes. Started in the morning and intensified throughout the day. I suspect it may be connected to a change in diet that I started yesterday.

A dull frontal headache (forehead) that lasted all day and evening.

Another dull frontal headache that lasted all evening.

till bit headachy front left, but eased, it goes away during the day and returns a little during the evening. I have had plenty of fluids so I know it's not dehydration.

Headache still lingering through the day. Worse in the car.

Nagging headache through the night.

Icy nose # very cold hands or feet. Headache improving. Aching glands in neck.

My little finger on my left is hurting as I type. It feels colder than all the rest of the fingers and I find that the pain is quite nervy and aching. I find that it is not being used as much as the rest of the fingers but the

little finger on my right it not cold and painful. The itchy toes episodes have all gone since before the weekend. I find that since my urges to eat sugar have been controlled, my toes have improved.

Left shoulder and upper arm was niggling all night - difficult to lie on that side. A dull ache. (Violin playing arthritis?) I am wondering whether this is intensified during the proving - it has definitely been present

and localised in that upper arm and not only after playing violin. The usual ache after violin is in neck, shoulder and jaw. This upper arm ache is different.

On going left arm. Sore upper arm, muscle pain sometimes extending down to hand and up to shoulder.

Dull rheumatic sort of ache. Sore to sleep on. The usual violin ache is more typically in my neck, jaw and shoulder. This very definite upper arm ache seems particular to the proving time. Am wondering if it is

related to speaking on the phone more i.e. holding the phone up. But the sore while sleeping is definitely new.

Left ankle has been twinging and aching, think it may relate to cycling though... Left knee has also been playing up a little.

Neck and backache but this could have something to do with too long on the computer and not enough exercise.

Upper back and neck even worse than yesterday, there is even a bit of headache with it.

Notice an ache down tendon on inside ulnar side of forearms, extending from wrist on both sides. Repeats several times a day until end of proving and beyond.

Blocked up/tension

Cycling home from work I got a huge sensation of a ball of phlegm at the back of my mouth/ top of my throat. This made it really hard to concentrate on cycling and I could not swallow it easily and when I did it

always came back. I could not spit it out either for a quick alleviation. It didn't taste and it didn't easily move and it was only once I had gotten home that it finally went.

I was out walking and came across a pair of ducks on a frozen lake. Her leg frozen in the ice trapped one of the ducks. I couldn't walk away. I had to help her. I phoned a neighbour who knew about birds, an

RSPB member. There was a group of us around the birds on the frozen lake. A dilemma - if we chipped the ice away to free the bird it could crack and we would all go down into the water. If we melted the ice around her leg, same result. I was aware of how frightened she was and wanted to protect her. Next I am on dry land and the ducks are walking by. One had an anklet of jagged ice around her leg

-Free, yet not free. I also knew that once she settled back into her nest the ice would melt and she would be ok. There is a possible connection between the symbology of this dream and a situation I found myself faced with the next day.

So we could consider there is an element of prescience in this dream.

Feel bloated, stopped up.

I dream that a large black bear is struggling to give birth. She has 3 cubs that are stuck because there is a fourth bear -a cub from last year and much bigger- stuck behind them. I try to help for a long time. A crowd gathers. I notice we are standing on the edge of a cliff. There comes a point where I know if I don't rescue the cubs now that the mother will die. I sense the mother's effort and exhaustion. I get behind the

mother and grab hold of the waist of last year's cub and begin to pull. I know that if I can get this blockage out of the way then the 3 new cubs will be born quickly and smoothly.

Blocked

Slight blocked nose

Notice hearing is feeling blocked, probably all day, as though a cold has gone on to ears or as though blocked by pressure. Repeats daily until day 4 and every few days throughout proving.

I have that lump sensation in my throat again. I woke up this morning with the left nostril completely blocked, taking 1 hour or so to clear but ever since I have been left with this lump in - between the nose and

the mouth. It feels thick and sticky and as though it is stuck there. It cannot be moved but it is not really annoying enough to try. I cannot hock it up to see the colour, though the taste is slightly mucusy and a

little bitter.

My stools in the last week have been better, yet still looser than normal; at least I have been feeling released and freer after taking action. I have been in the last 2 days fairly blocked up again, only executing

small amounts and then straining to execute more and being left with the feeling of more to come but it cannot. There is not nearly as much flatulence as before the provings in that blocked up state.

Constipated. Blocked up and not releasing the whole lot, very similar to before with my constipation, where I feel completely unrelieved and a lot of gas.

Very blocked nose with sneezing; particularly blocked on left side.

Left nostril completely blocked upon waking (and for the following 30 mins)

Alternately left then right nostrils blocked up.

Both sides very blocked up.

Very blocked nose with sneezing; particularly blocked on left side.

Breathing a bit blocked, first at back of nose area, moving down to Adam's apple area within a half hour.

Blocked feeling moved to sternum area with a bit of a rough cough.

No rawness of throat. Slight blocked feeling in top of throat.

Back to waking with heavy head, forehead aches and blocked ear. (Recalled that teaching on Monday, my right ear felt blocked again, as if I couldn't hear anyone.) Watery eyes. Irritated at slurping at breakfast.

Like the beginning of a 3 day post-coffee headache, slightly nauseous with tense back of neck and bruised feeling under eyes. Numb tense back of head. Want to do nothing but I know it is < lying/reading/after sleep. Better for cold hand pressed on, though generally > warmth. Icy cold nose.

Headache gradually improved through day. Daughter 3 was with me today and she had the same headache.

Daughter 3 talked about her right ear, which would not unpop (she has lots of catarrh since taking her remedy).

Left one had cleared. It seemed strange to me that we should both have the right ear blocked.

Post nasal catarrh, right hand side with blocking and unblocking right ear. Then watering eyes.

Feel constipated, usually I would have a poo in the morning and at night, but hardly anything is shifting. I am just used to go in the morning and usually in the evening, there is no proper urging, it almost happens

naturally and maybe is part of a routine (timing). As I got up too early my body wasn't ready. I did sit on the loo, but I felt and knew it wouldn't happen. I just know when my routine is upset; there is no point in

even trying.

Dream snippet of being with my aunt and coughing up some very dense catarrh.

Dream of having a cold and remembering previous dream of catarrh.

Daughter 3 phoned. She told me that over the past few weeks she has had a closing up feeling in her throat, with pain in the diaphragm and up through her throat. Better for exercise. Her throat has been tight generally. Over the weekend she had an occasion where she couldn't breath and couldn't talk, it was so bad. She had to borrow her friendís asthma inhaler. Remarkable to hear after my own throat symptoms.

Nasal congestion with lots of sneezing.

Sensation of constriction in throat - lasts several seconds.

Tight upper back and neck. Left arm still sore, shoulder to hand - achy. Cracking left shoulder.

Eructations like bubbles up from heart area to top of throat. This happens particularly when out walks. This seems strange to me and seems unrelated to whether I have eaten or not, or what I have eaten. Quite

uncomfortable. It feels like the opposite of drinking sparkling water, which brings relief. (Compare once during proving when it hurt.) I cant recall when this started, and I do recognise it as something I've

experienced before, but it has been very marked during the last few weeks and on-going.

On the way to school. Feeling of failing everyone and myself very strong - what is the point? Terrified at the idea of my children not managing and that I have been inadequate as a parent. Feel like there is no

end to the terror of what I must do. Felt like crying on the way to school but could not let myself because of having to teach. It stuck in the mid-chest to throat area. Then it became difficult to swallow with a lump

in my throat. Right side of throat became sore. Bubbles started coming up again. Had to work really hard to try to put all this to one side and teach those kids as if all was fine - managed to reach the 'still, calm

centre' enough to get through the day.

Can't go to the loo before setting off to Stroud. Feeling of fullness all day, hoping desperately that something might shift.

Feeling of fullness and distension, still lack of movement.

I have a really furry mouth and thick phlegm. I noticed this whilst cycling home from work and found that spitting did not help alleviate the symptoms. The texture of my gums was very rough and carpet like.

I guessed that it could have been my new diet of porridge every morning rather than the muslin and yogurt I usually eat.

When I got home the symptoms went.

Increased mucus and sneezing. Normal for me this time of year. Moulds/spores. Intensified since Rx.

My back feels locked up. It is not clicking like it used to and the alleviation is different after stretches, it feels better, yet as though it is locked and there is more to relax but altogether it is jammed or locked up

and feels like it has got any potential to loosen up more but cannot. The shoulder feeling is gone almost or very slightly coming back because it hasn't really been there for the last week. The emphasis is on the

left side of the spine a point where there is a tight knot and is almost continuously painful. This point is almost in the middle of the rib cage but a little bit further down if anything. There is another point, still

effected but not as noticeable towards the shoulders and also more to the left side of the spine. All of the muscles feel better for massaging and pressure; it relieves some of the stress in those points

Lump on dog's right ear is now black, hard and dry, like a dried blackcurrant. Bizarre change from the bright red of that first proving weekend.

I have had this lump at the back of my throat. It was between my mouth and nose and it stayed there the whole day. Though my nose has cleared up it feels like the symptoms have moved backwards and got

stuck between my nose and mouth.

Pain, swelling. Very difficult to swallow anything. Feels like a lump. A raw feeling that stings, almost feels burnt. I am very susceptible to throat problems if I get stressed. Sore throat more intense than usual.

In kitchen, were very clumsy, dropping things and bumping myself. Felt like crying and just stopping doing anything. What is the point if everything is going to go wrong any way? But could not stop or I would

be judged as being lazy. Felt like I needed support and to be looked after - and that I would not be so must manage. A feeling of crying deep inside with a lump sensation in chest/throat. Difficult to make eye

contact with anyone, covering up how I feel, could not eat last mouthful of breakfast.

Woke but kept eyes shut. Lurking headache with forehead feeling heavy. Intangible blocked nose and sinuses - dry, hot feeling.

Lots of mucus. Unusual in that it's clear. Not excoriating. When I have had pain with sinus congestion in the past the mucous would look infected. Definitely connected to sinus congestion. Sneezing a lot.

I still have lots of clear mucus. Watery. This has been fairly constant throughout. Lots of sneezing with a feeling of congestion. Like day 23 but not as intense.

Excess mucus, I think I am coming down with s.th.

Still excess mucus; still think I am coming down with s.th.

Still too much mucus, feeling a cold coming on almost every day (didn ́t mention as it seems to be just there). The mucus is in the throat area and I have to clear it, as it just seems to build up otherwise.

Lots of mucus and coughing, feel like a cold coming on (again).

I feel as if I donít go the loo enough as if there is water retention. First my right hand feels swollen, then I can ́t get the ring off the left hand. Weighing 5 pounds more then in the morning.

Dealing with communication with difficult mother of a pupil about non-payment - I felt shaky and sick with nausea rising and sitting at the top of my throat. I would normally feel sick in such a circumstance,

but was very aware of the feeling lodging in the top of my throat.

I have a similar feeling to that sick feeling I had in the car talking to my friend but it is slightly different and not so much nausea as last time. It feels as though the stomach is working too hard and it is very tense

in that area. It first came on when I got home from work and I ate 2 packs of crisps after an intense cycle from work. It sort of subsided by the time I had dinner but afterwards the feeling came back even stronger

now it feels so tense that it is close to cramping. I did just at 22:30 h. have lively argument with my step dad and I think this has aggravated the symptoms making me tremble whilst talking to him. I also have

this feeling of being cold but not and that then has a trembly, achy and weak feeling all over my upper half of my body, sort of only skin deep feeling of achy and weak ran through all of my muscles.

My tummy was still being affected in the lower parts this was a really sore deep feeling, like a solid weight was to big to fit in there and no movement or relief could be found.

Pain, forehead, between eyes. Feels sinus congestion. Lasted all day.

Congestion and cold-like symptoms, with lots of sneezing and very sore, itchy eyes.

Sitting room door is sticking - really noticing it, as if we may not be able to get in or out. (Started yesterday just before brother arrived.)

Knee is hurting today, to walk on, stiff around joint in its movement, like its been stuffed with sawdust and it's tight and painful to move, it's swollen.

My jaw feels stuck and there is a corresponding pain in my vertex, at my temples and under my ears where my jaw hinges.

Stuffy nose off and on until 22.50 h. Top back of nose. Like the beginning of a cold but it just went away again.

Starting a sore throat, a little swollen. Slightly itchy. It hurts to swallow food, better for warm liquids. < right side. Low energy.

Dream: I am in a room full of people standing and waiting for a big announcement to be made. One man is talking. It is his job to introduce the second man, who is more important and who is going to make

the announcement, for which I am sure he is to be congratulated. There is a problem. The second man is waiting for the first man to stop talking so that he can begin his piece, but he does not stop talking.

The second man waits and waits and then becomes angry as he realises that the first man intends to deny him the opportunity to talk. Eventually the second man draws himself up and begins to talk over the other

man, who, in turn, raises his voice such that there is this competition for attention and a great cacophony.

It makes the rest of the crowd feel increasingly tense, uncomfortable and agitated. There is a woman in the crowd who is a friend of mine. In the dream she is much more radiant, glossy, healthy and young

looking. She says to the crowd - 'right let's run' and completely breaks the mounting tension by running to the end of the room. The crowd follows and runs with her en masse. When we get to the end of the

room we turn and run back. We run back and forth this way, dissipating the tension. The tension is completely diffused by the act of running and the crowd is relieved.

I am tense and irritable out of all proportion to the things going on around me. I have upset most of my family today by being angry and irritable. There is a nervous tension in my chest/solar plexus. I don't seem

to be able to breathe past it.

Woke into the feeling of the dream. Tense shoulders, knotted tummy, heavy heart and breathing. Tried to watch myself tying those knots - gradually came to terms with the fact that it is myself I need to look to

do the untying.

I have agreed to spend the night at my parentsí house. My mum starts talking to me about something I don't want to discuss. I instantly feel like I want to leave to get away and go quickly. I feel trapped and

tense. To get rid of the tension I feel I must go.
I arrive in class and want to leave. I feel tension in being seated/static. In break time I feel cornered in a conversation I don't want to have. I want to leave.

At one point on the journey the tension begins to rise again. I swear and curse at the top of my voice for 5 minutes until I feel foolish/better.

Very angry with the children at bedtime, felt I was overly impatient with them.

Overwhelmed by grief. Both parents died earlier this year - close together. I cried practically all day. This is the most I've cried since it happened. This felt like a release. The grief was out I had fought

it at the funerals. (Explanation - today I received paperwork to process the selling of their house. It has been the family home for 55years and losing the house feels like an added grief.) My energy is very flat.

Feel throat is lumpy, swallowing feels strange, and breathing seems affected. But it's ok once I get moving.

Itchy, swollen throat. Like an allergic reaction. I get this sometimes but it hasn't been this intense for a while.

My left heel on the Achilles on the back of it has been really tight the whole day. I first notice it this morning and it is still not loosened up. As a comparison to the other it is very tight as if it does not have

any movement but once moved it is perhaps just as flexible. It is quite a solid feeling and I notice it especially when I am moving.

Resting knee today, still tight feeling around it, like it's in plaster cast.

Kept tenting my fingers all day today - finger tips to tips - clasped hands, index fingers pointing up, against

chest. Tight and strong and powerful feeling. Playing around with the energy.

Cross my legs and trap my right testicle.

Cried when B left, as she is such a good and generous friend and treated me with such respect and love (opposite to my father).

Very difficult with father. I feel trapped, can't even use the computer as he is in his room all the time ("poorly"). In fact he is drinking too much again (which has been an issue since my childhood). It is quite threatening psychologically, as I feel so open. His moods and psychological attacks can hurt so easily.

I sometimes get a spasm in the oesophagus when eating. Normally it is a little painful and goes quickly.

This time it was extreme and lasted for hours. Intense pain in the diaphragm and shooting down my arms. Sharp, burning pain. Nothing I could do to ease it. Tried different positions; breathing technique; staying

still; motion; rescue remedy; nothing helped. I considered phoning an ambulance because I felt the symptoms were like a heart attack. Extreme salivation - couldn't keep it in my mouth or swallow.

Swallowing was impossible. I took a remedy -Black Obsidian- this was an intuitive decision. No thought processes got me to this remedy, I knew it would bring up what was trapped deep within and that was the

sensation. Something trapped needed to come up. Immediately after the remedy I got very hot and started to perspire. Then I coughed and an enormous amount of phlegm came out.

It was white and stringy - like egg white and it dangled from my mouth at least twelve inches long. After this I slowly recovered.

Woke with tight shoulders, twinging pain in right side of neck and blocking and unblocking ear.

Headache, right temple going to neck, with twinging pain in neck now and then. Very tense shoulders.

Blocked right ear.

On drive home my ears were popping and unpopping more than usual. Some twinging pain in particularly the left ear canal.

Ears feel as if under pressure and want to pop, although there is no change in altitude. Very unpleasant.

Headaches over the weekend, for 3 days straight also needing to pee, like I cannot empty bladder, started having to hold it in and direct attention elsewhere. Waking at 2 h. every night.

I keep forgetting to write this symptom down because I am always on my bike when I feel it. I get this feeling of a bladder infection every now and again whilst cycling but never have the usual symptom of

bladder infection with the urging without relief. I just have that pain in my groin as if I had a bladder infection. The pain is a light pressure as if my urethra is getting squashed on my saddle and a slight

stinging sensation is then apparent. I would say that this has been there the last 2 weeks on and off. I only notice it once I have been cycling for about 5/10 mins when it does appear and it is only apparent when

there is pressure to the urethra and not when I urinate.

In the afternoon my voice went small. I found I had to repeat things twice before people heard me. It felt like a huge effort to produce a voice and make myself heard, both in volume and enunciation. The voice

got stuck at the base of my throat with a heavy feeling in my chest. (It reminded me of when I started teaching age 23 and had a strong accent Ė pupils couldn't understand me and I was not aware of speaking

very quietly. Eventually I got laryngitis and could not speak at all.) Verged on the feeling that no one wanted to speak to me and I was not worth hearing.

Tight sore chest, > hot pressure, with a stuffy nose.

Bizarre feeling from heart area up through oesophagus through throat. Almost all the time, a feeling of blockades somewhere along that line. Often difficult to swallow food because of blocked feeling around

the bottom end of my oesophagus - often hot around there. Has been quite intense during proving.

Digestion feels quite blocked up - odd gurgles (bubbles rising) and not much action. 'Sheep poo' now and then.

Branching tubes/antlers

Dream: Someone asks me how a man in my dream is feeling. The man cannot tell using words but can show. He does this by growing an immense set of antlers. The final branch of each bit of antler is a razor

sharp knife. This is exactly how the man feels. Even as I wake and record this dream I have to draw it rather than write about it. This repeats the sense of having flipped into the visual channel.

I notice antlers everywhere this weekend: on a bottle of whiskey, in a homewear shop, in a picture in a restaurant, my neighbours coat rack.

I'm seeing antlers everywhere. They're flirting with me in the environment.

More antlers about today. A ram's skull in a Georgia O'Keefe painting. Mounted skulls in a Sunday magazine. I also came across my daughter reading about the herd of deer kept at a local castle.

There are antlers everywhere: magazines, bottles, pictures, catalogues, and menus.

I am watching a film and am struck by the huge number of stuffed animal heads on the wall. All different types of deer, moose, antelope. There are about 30 of them.

Connection

I felt very affectionate towards the dog - usually I am too tired and irritable after a weekend on the course.

He was very friendly too - curled round and snuggled up.

The day was all right. I felt I managed to balance, get centered in my own identity. As a result, I was not knocked off balance by people or events and could be affected and let it pass. Felt slight bounces back

to a tentatively positive feeling of last week. Unusual for me to recover from negative 'stuff' so quickly. It feels like my old stuff is being brought up to work through.

I hear the beat of many hooves during the meditation.

I saw 2 large buzzards, cycling along the cycle path, I disturbed one and it flew up very big wingspan, close to me and took off over the trees. Then 5 mins later the exact same thing happened again. It was

beautiful. Powerful big birds, both time only a few metres away from me.

There was a group of us on tiered seating, on the water. We were observers to an experiment. There was a boy in the lake. We were there to observe how the bird would behave with the boy. It was a small black

bird and it flew to the boy and made an immediate bond with him. It went straight to him, sat on his shoulder, head, foot. They were completely bonded - as one. To further our experiment we sent the bird

to another group of people to see if the bird could bond with someone else. We offered the bird a very famous man (a Simon Cowell type figure) He was groomed, suntanned, very confident. The bird quickly

rejected him and he looked quite perturbed that the bird would not choose him over the boy. The bird flew straight back to the boy who was now sitting high in the water on a rock.

I saw Swan Lake at the theatre this evening and felt that this was linked to my dreams of birds and water.

A possible theme. This was booked many weeks before I knew I would be doing the proving.

Buoyant feeling today and wanting to be in touch with people - ready to talk to people and listen. Not an effort and not tired after each encounter. Positive.

Feel light and calm, beyond is coming forward and revealing itself. Things feel like they are coming together.

Visited friend's new baby. I was very comfortable holding him. Thought of him just being and his digestive system working away and him coping and reacting to it. Felt very right.

Had a day of communication from my house out, of being in touch. Suddenly I found I could write a letter to my mother and sister (they live together, my sister cares for my mother), where I've found that very

difficult for the past few years. I found I could phone my sister and chat and it felt good and normal. Today I had no difficulty over phoning and writing and emailing and am not worn out by it. Contacted nearly

every member of my family. It feels good to be in touch.

My brother phoned and had managed to have a long chat with my sister and another planned for tomorrow. He said itís the first time in 5 years that he has managed to talk properly with her. (They live close to

each other.) Usually he has to leave, says she wont 'give'. He gave me advice that what she needs is for us all to be in touch and chat.

(There are 4 siblings.) It seems an odd coincidence that this has come up now, with all my other 'getting in touch' symptoms. I don't often talk on anything other than a superficial jokey level with my brother.

Walking down a very very long staircase that goes on and on for as far as they eye can see, on the steps people have stalls set up and I stop and talk to them. It is fun, travelling down and chatting on the way.

I feel confident and in control.

Positive feeling all weekend - Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Felt outgoing. I forgot my watch, but enjoyed the contact with other people over asking the time. Normally I like to be self-sufficient so I donít have to

approach people. Was not nervous about speaking in the group, none of the usual palpitations.

I go out to a very busy party at a local pub. Over the course of the evening I have 4 or 5 conversations with other women where I feel we are really making a connection with each other. I realise that I am very

strongly drawn to female camaraderie and conversation. It's another really fun night out. I feel we should all be spending more time together. I want to be friends with them all.

Felt thoroughly at home holding friend's new baby. Again the connection was that he was totally preoccupied with his tummy. My stomach started to gurgle in sympathy as I was holding him...

Dream: I was in a car driving with a strange woman from somewhere like my childhood hometown, across somewhere like Orkney. She was going to commit suicide by drowning and I was going to do it with her,

although I didn't feel perhaps I should. I had to leave the dog behind as we drove up a long hill - I hoped he would follow but he didn't. Green grass, blue sky, sea, islands. I felt compelled to go back, riding and

pushing a box on wheels. Someone positive appeared on a bike (like my mother when young?) and said I don't know how you can leave. I said 'I CANT.' and knew I couldn't. Desperate to find the dog - found

him down a grassy track, hugged him and cried. Woke with the feeling of having cried a lot. The suicide part of the dream was new for me, the other part I have experienced similar before.

I have been surprised again by what was brought up in the last proving gathering we have had. I noticed many people mention that they have been feeling a cut off feeling from the rest of their families and

somehow, miraculously getting into contact with them and this was a good feeling! I have also this cut off feeling due to being soo busy and not having much time to try and get in to contact. My brother then

text me today saying do you want to Skype. So I finish what I am doing at the bank and go home. I then talk to him about how he is feeling depressed and needs more contact with us and so on. He then phones

mum, at home and tells her he loves her (this never happens) so then mum phones the rest of us and tells us what he just done and the whole family felt, to me, connected in a moment! Which is a great feeling.

I am daydreaming about a dancer who moves ceaselessly and seamlessly from one shape to another. - - - - -

Deep -felt need for a central hearth in this house over these weeks - not previously such an explicit thought or acknowledged to this extent. Candles, firelight, flame - feels akin to the need for music and

sunset/sunrise. Great joy in these.

A little enthusiasm, which feels more, like 'me' - relief.

Feeling deep in the flow.

I have the desire to play the violin for a few weeks now. I haven't played since my teens and no longer know how to play. But the desire to start again is quite strong. I have the violin. I have purchased a new

bow and rosin and I am learning from YouTube. I am constantly listening to classic FM. This is really weird.

I doodle a giant spiral and small pea-like circles as I talk to my supervisor on the telephone - these are the same doodles I drew the day after this proving started.

I wanted to stay up and talk to people and I had fun doing so for a little while but I really wanted to just go to be and sleep so I did. Drained and over-tired. The early start and sitting down the whole day

after a busy week was the main instigator.

I notice that my dreams and reality seem to interlink, the places, the people.

I've been listening to pop music by preference these few weeks - apart from Bach, that is. Usually I canít bear the monotonous jangling of it, but now I'm finding it enlivening. It's like joining in with something,

allowing myself some freedom, becoming a pleb. This has been happening since the beginning of the proving, but I didn't quite recognise the shift.

Feel like I'm coming more into myself, expanding, attuning to who I am in my core, feeling the effects of this rippling outwards into the environment. Feeling very present and content with who I am. Was feeling

very tired yesterday evening, busy day doing homeopathic essay, feel more relaxed today.

I go for a swim with 2 friends, and again, feel liked and appreciated.

It's still getting better, how I feel around humans.

Found out that Daughter 3 had constitutional remedy at start of week and it made a very great difference - she could do all the texting she has as hockey captain without effort. Had been having a very bad week

(since proving).

Daughter 3 phoned. Both very glad to open up and talk about these few weeks Ė she hadn't been able to before. I felt strangely able to talk to her about how I felt instead of trying to protect her and not burden

her. We discussed that and agreed it was better for us both to be more open with each other as we canít help affecting each other. She described the last month plus as a real struggle - not able to do work,

meet deadlines, and deal with people. Great intolerance of people.

Would sit down to work and have tremendous doubts about her capabilities and be unable to do anything. Self-harming, cutting.

Lots of crying. Thought of easiest way of killing herself, the most pain free - a change here because previously with her it has always been about inflicting the most pain on herself as punishment. Exaggerated

old feelings of not wanting to be on her own; but when on own gets stuck there. Very scared of own thoughts, 'what I might do'. Manic episodes - drinking and venting stuff, not remembering what afterwards

(One of these could have been a result of taking constitutional remedy recently.) Yesterday (Day 52) was very bad for her - crying, making self sick, self-harm on right leg. (Again, she had not self-harmed for 6/7

years until the proving - see previous entry about cutting on the tummy, on the Wed before the proving started, entry 71) At 17 h. (when I took the Arnica) she was suddenly able to leave her room, go downstairs

to be with another person. She was still crying, but found she could do some work, draw a duck. She felt this as a big shift. She also woke this morning feeling a lot better and more positive.

She waits in the car while I go for a short swim in the sea. Perfect, just the sea and me. When I am back in the car a friend messaged if I want to join her for a swim. Happiness as I pick her up from her place and

drive to a beach to spend time together and have a swim.

Swim in Alatsee, very cold but it doesn't bother me; I feel one with the water, completely dissolving, happy and free.

On a walk, realise my hearing is more acute than usual, as though perception reaching further into distance. This heightened hearing repeats day 4.

Still really keen to be in touch with people - emailed a friend immediately I got home to arrange a meet up tomorrow. Normally I'd feel too tired to decide and hesitant about intruding, fear of being judged.

(This is a long-standing feeling, probably since onset of puberty. See previous entries about out-goingness.)

I notice my joints, and how they fit together, I notice how they move, the white bones of my body, how they interlock, how the skeleton is white from top to toes, it feels loose and flexible.

I go for meditation after breakfast. Quite good in getting still, donít beat myself up when a thought comes along!!!

Really enjoyed concert. Felt I could open up to the music in a way I have not done for years. It was intuitive, not at all cerebral or intellectual. It felt good watching the fluid dexterity of the violinist

- and I felt there with him.

Sister 2 phoned. She talked a long time. I was not resistant, defensive etc. about family, house, mother - matters which have been very difficult for me to deal with these years since my father died. Opened out.

I have just recalled something my daughter mentioned when we were watching the old video two nights ago - she noticed a gesture I made when teaching golf, an opening out of hands and arms after I finished

explaining, She says I still do it now. I was totally unaware of it.

Our girlís night out is fun. We don't talk about the school run. The conversation is explicit and outrageous. We enjoy each other's company. It feels like we are quite real with one another.

I'm going out again! I'm meeting a friend for lunch. We discuss her outrageous sexual jealousy. We laugh a lot.

Quite a lot of parallel symptoms with daughter 3. Particularly the being in touch happily with people.

I lived quite a solitary existence pre proving. I definitely feel itís a bit different. I feel like I'm part of a group of people, who are looking after each other, sharing the load together. It's playful but supportive.

I feel like I'm in it with other people. I am being more honest with people; I am saying how I am, really. People are responding to it in a really positive way. Normally I'd cover it up, pass the time of day, I'd get in

and out. I'd be slightly more irritated by sympathy. Now it makes me feel less isolated.

Today has been another positive day with people coming and going, phone calls, getting tasks done. I have not felt held back - happy to be who I am doing what I'm doing now.

Dream: of my children when young, a shopping trip. Playing on the display beds in a furniture shop. It was pleasant and relaxing remembering the good feeling of them interacting with each other. Unusual,

because there is usually anxiety of some sort in dreams about family, and this one felt reassuring, that my children had had an a lright childhood.

Since the proving I have noticed I have regained a certain ability to read and retain information, which I've really struggled with for years, possibly even since university. It is wonderful to not have a constant battle

with comprehension.

Notice there is a feeling of sensitivity but not emotionality, very little softness but feels ok. Integrity feels especially important.

I am missing my girlfriend. This evening I have had a slump of energy (not a massive drop but a definite shift) and I really really am missing her a lot because of the tight connection we have and the understanding

of the ways we are and I missed that. I guess the feeling was a yearning for a hug and something close because I have been pushing it hard and I know how hard I will have to push it in the weeks to come. I feel

that I connection has tighten its bond because I really rely on her in certain situations.

I am feeling sociable, like going out for a girlís night out. I ring around my friends and organise it. I don't usually do this, as it's too much bother to make all the arrangements for babysitters and after school care.

There is a lot of partying going on. Lots of invites, even for my son, which is unusual. As I write this I get another party invitation by text.

Unusually at family dinner (myself, my husband, son 27 and daughter 25) we all talked openly about the fact that we had all had a bad day. It was not self-indulgent out pouring; it felt good and gently constructive. Usually I'd try to be stoic, hide away or burst into tears, feel ashamed and hard done by. It also helped me to talk it through with my supervisor. I feel that this is a situation I know well but this time I have been

able to recognise and move through it rather than being paralysed by it and terrified to face the consequences.

The room looks very wide and clear. We are small and one unit under it. A feeling of good togetherness with other people.

A little reconnection to more usual sense of trust, that even the feeling of separation is part of life living, brings relief.

I feel more 'myself' and again hope the proving will be over soon. Work is more back to usual.

I volunteer in a community farm shop (opening day) and feel so appreciated (for the first time in months).

People seem to like me.

Crying

I feel cold, empty and very very sad after the news that I was not chosen for the job over the winter. I get quite angry and cynical first canít stop talking about it, how disappointed I am after all I did with extra

hours etc. Then I get sad and weepy. Cannot contain my tears and show them to too many people. I feel raw, sore, bruised. I feel treated so unfairly!

Crying. I donít know who I am.

What actually made me cry was the sound of a bird out the dog walk which sounded just like a mobile phone and felt like the last straw - as if everything was calling on me to do something about it.

I felt very tearful while talking to friends about issues to do with my husband. Felt relieved/better after crying.

Period as good as over, hardly any pain this time, not that much bleeding apart from first 2 days; just tearful and sad before. I can feel tearful for lots of reasons (joy, pain, if something really touches me deeply).

The crying in the office seemed to be excessive (period related)

A prover takes the proving remedy and tears roll down his face continuously.

Period starts, now I know why I was so weepy over the last 3 or so days.

Depression/sadness

Again I feel I have only the scantest recall of my dreams. There is so much more there, just beyond my grasp. Not like me at all.

Someone asks me a question about something that happened in class the previous day. I cannot remember at all. I struggle to find the memory, the answer. I cannot. It lies just out of grasp.

Spilt hot soup all over worktop and on my left hand slightly (no burn). Felt very clumsy and on edge. Had to deliberately slow down so as not to cry/scream/go into melt down. Have not felt this so strongly for

quite a while. It is the feeling when getting tea ready for young children at the end of the day and you break a milk bottle.

I cycled to the library after work and I had forgot my bike lock at home, so I could not lock my bike and go use the library. This was 2nd time this week. The first time, on Monday, I had forgotten my keys

and so I cycled back home to study. This time I was really upset with myself and rather than cycling home I went in search of a shop that I could buy a lock to keep at the library and I would then keep the keys

on me. No shop was open and I went into a superstore, which didn't have one. I struggled to find something so I slowly cycled home and was feeling quite depressed and upset that I could not achieve what I wanted

to achieve. Once at home I got some of the curry out that I had made earlier than week heated it up, had a beer and watched tele until 1 h. Not my usual way of getting over myself but the best way to stop my

brain from ticking over with this upsetting crash I have had this week with money and not achieving (which was inevitably the forgetting things that did not help me achieve).

Daughter 3 has also had a few very bad days - unable to get things done, very depressed, sleeping a lot but not refreshed etc. Have been talking to her a lot on the phone.

After last night and a dream night full of disappointment and people letting me down (no proper memory though) I feel very low.

I'm fed up. Feel like I've had enough of this.

Late getting up, don't plan to do a lot apart from going for a swim. Visit a friend of mine who is as "aggressive" as she can be and I feel like beaten, don't want this treatment in my life anymore.

Spilt pegs all over the grass. Felt like crying, instead went oh well.

I feel completely flat. No energy. I don't want to talk, I feel heavy with heavy eyelids. Like a weight is pressing me down. It has a very 'still' quality to it. Ear symptom has gone.

Exactly the same as yesterday.

I have really had enough of this proving. I've had to drag myself to make these entries in the journal. I would like to avoid the whole thing now.

Headache mostly right-hand side with nausea. Worse reading. Better hot shower. Better cold hand on head. Better eating. Feel like crying, that no one loves me!

I wake feeling low. It is more intense than yesterday. I do not want to speak to anyone or be spoken to. I am very uncomfortable in my own skin. As the morning draws on and I feel more wretched, I develop

heartburn in my solar plexus and cannot breathe deeply to calm myself. It is as if I cannot breathe past the tension in my solar plexus. All the feelings of anxiety, discomfort and heartburn are centered here in the

solar plexus.

Feeling flat emotionally, unmotivated, want to sit and stare, an uncomforted feeling that wants to go to sleep and shut off for a while.

Very unsure day at school. Going in was like the anticipatory anxiety before flying (I have been terrified of flying for years, once had a panic attack over the Himalayas. However, when I was a young teenager

I remember being exhilarated by it). In school I had the feeling of being the enemy, being laughed at, that what ever I did would fail and be wrong - the feeling was particularly around the secretary and the H.O.D.

As if they are giggling behind your back and you are not in on the joke - that you are the joke. This is the opposite of the friendly, open feeling of the start of the proving, when I felt I fitted in and that this was

a job I could do. In fact, the teaching went well and my pupils were friendly and well behaved. I recognised this as I taught, but could do nothing about how I felt. Hard not to feel like a kicked dog-hard not to try

very hard to please - hard not to cry!

Dream: gravel sand beach, deserted, no sea, just a long sand strip, like a grubby beach in Hong Kong. I was driving a Cadillac-type car off the beach and through an open-air cafť area, slowly negotiating gaps

between tables and chairs. The scene felt lonely and abandoned. This is the first dream I've had since the proving started.

There is antagonism between my children this morning. My tolerance for it is very low. It has the effect of creating a nervous flutter in my solar plexus and then, as it continues, I feel very quickly ramping anger.

I intervene to make it stop but quickly become more angry myself. There is a quick and extreme escalation in my stress levels until I feel I have a huge energy inside me that is very uncomfortable to hold onto.

There is an irresistible urge to rage at my children to expel the energy and relieve the discomfort I feel. I just manage to stop myself from losing it completely. I feel guilty, very distressed at the aggression I felt

towards my children and I wish the proving over. I do not like this proving. I feel like it is damaging my relationships and me. It makes me feel angry, sad and desperate by turns. Anguish and misery.

Walk with husband and dog round lake at Country Park. It rained, luminous sky and black silhouette trees, bushes and a heron on a buoy. Reminded me of the vision from a few days ago, the same feeling of clarity

in my mind.

Until then just ďout of placeĒ, not belonging, low, sad, down. In supervision with Penny I used my patient 4 as person to spend time on a desert island with (exercise). We capsize and cooperate, 4 are the brain and

I am the muscle/practical person. I am aware of her cold hands (Raynaud's) and try to make sure she is ok (sun, fire etc.). P asks why I think she is the brain and I practical. Then s.o. asks why I not try to make her

be more practical (give me more in the consultation without pushing her). I start to cry, feel such a crap homeopath. I have to leave the room.

I need permission to stop being brave; to cry and be very, very sad about things I donít talk about. I feel as if I am bearing the weight of the family's problems on my own - I need to be strong and I'm not.

Desperately worried about Daughter 3, I desperately want her to be ok. I canít help and can only be open and there when needed. Worried my mood affects her - no matter if I cover up and put on a good front,

the mood is still inside. I feel better after talking or crying. If these were not so taboo, it would be better for me. A song on the radio about being low and sad, reaching the bottom triggered this outpouring.

Dream: being very touched by someone's work and intentions. Yet as I wake there is a question about what, if anything, is truly useful to the world - a flat feeling. This flatness feels related to the pointless feeling.

I feel very sad and low after 2 blows: One at work (they will only take on one part timer over the winter, out of 5 candidates). We were told it would be 2 people, now the chance is 1:5... How are my chances?

Very frustrating. Feel like the odd one out again. I had such a good and happy day at work that it really hits me to the core.

A small wave of sadness, as though something wants comfort but nothing that could comfort. This subtle sadness repeats days 3, 4, 5, 6, 10.

A small wave of sadness, pointlessness, fed up. This slight feeling of pointlessness repeats approx. every few days throughout proving, noticeably days 3, 4, 10, 21, 39, 55. I sleep/zone out for a few minutes.

Wake with the thought I'm not enjoying my life - very unusual and relates to the pointless feeling. No emotional reaction to this.

Dream: A very old friend died. I am at the wake. There are not many people there and the friends he had all seem to be from 15 years ago, when I knew him. Where has his life been and gone since I knew him?

Its like he's done nothing at all in the long years since I knew him. Like his life has been nothing, no impact any change. - - - - -

That's depressing.

Cold-type symptoms worse in the car with warm air Felt like I was slipping back into negativity. Better for heat on feet and the window open.

An old friend from my first school has kept memorabilia of our early years at school. He remembers everything. I am astonished as he recalls things vividly that I struggle to drag from the darkest recesses of

my memory.

Very tired and a bit flat.

I feel great because it is my birthday and I am going to see all my friends and family. Though this is also a weird feeling because I was torn between the excitement of seeing all those people I haven't see for

so long and the sadness of my girlfriend having to leave tomorrow and I felt a real sense of being torn between the 2 of them though I did have a great day with them all together.

Feelings of total inadequacy. That I am failing at my job, in relationships and cannot see how to do better. That I am actually a horrid person. This is not a good place to be. Although I can write about it,

I still can see no way through.

My left knee is playing up again (feels unreliable, as if it could give up); also left hip and left elbow. Only for some minutes, then ok again.

Another wave of sadness. Sigh.

Disconnection I am walking on the downs, I see an uncle, we stop and chat, I am walking my fathers dog, he disappears to say hello to some other people who are around, I don't really notice who they are,

when he returns, he's got little cigarette coals burning in his fur, I quickly put out the fires, it appears someone has been hurting him which makes me a little angry though he does not seem in pain, I nurse him and

make sure he's ok, I'm not looking for who has done it, just that he's ok, I don't feel any danger despite this incident and I'm not wondering why its been done either, there is a sense of acceptance.

Dream: we went to tea as a family with some good friends. When we left I had to go back to the loo. When I tried to find our car it was dark and there were lots of cars parked and another party going on. Some

old friends who we are no longer in touch with were there. Our friend was dishing out soup. I felt alone and confused and uninvited although no one was unfriendly - misplaced as though everyone else had

known, out of the loop.

The argument made me feel upset and angry that my step Dad did not see my point of view and take it on board because he is always right and he makes himself the culprit of every situation because of how he

separates himself from us. I think it is a real shame that he cannot open himself up and I would love to not care but I do and I think that is a shame too.

On waking, feel averse to reflecting for proving - want to avoid it.

Noticed wife gets irate and saying 'are you listening' has said this several times the last 2 days, must be that I'm away with the fairies a little more than usual. We have had some funny laughs for no reason.

Odd coincidences: my supervisor went to Australia and couldn't get in touch for more than a week; my son went to Japan on interview for 4 days; my husband and I are going to Hong Kong in a couple of weeks;

and my brother retired and did a round trip visiting family and friends he hadn't for 30 years. This feels like a big contrast and shift in my life - suddenly things are opening up, becoming global. Normally I have

not been a good traveller and my life has centred round the house in Bedford and the children. Now I am ready to go! In this proving time I have also found myself letting go connection with my children -

not pushing away, but letting things unfold for them. For me it has felt a little like stepping out into a void - it's exciting, but I'm not sure what will happen. It's hard to describe the process, but can be as much in

an everyday greeting as in any monumental action or meaningful conversation. It's more a willingness to let things be rather than to be in control.

Blockage of communication again. Husband doesn't need to talk and I feel resentful and lonely in my silence. This is a stark contrast to the communicativeness of 2 weeks ago.

S.o pulling their hair out because they canít put up with a certain situation. Blurred dream, can ́t catch it. It leaves me quite sad.

Strange dream about zombies. Pretty funny, didn't seem real, not sure what that was about, haven't been watching zombie movies, though I think they are cool. In the dream, I was watching a heart come back

to life in my hands. Dead looking people were after me, but it wasn't panicky it was more amusing, they weren't dangerous.

Last few days have been bogged down in emotion. A revisiting of old (adolescent?) emotions. Scary to leave that place that I am familiar with even though itís painful. Better for a task, and taking the task on

as my own, owning it. Better for watching a squirrel in the tree in the sunshine. Recognise a slowly growing ability in myself to keep from inflicting my 'stuff' on others at the same time as not shutting in on myself.

The last few days feel like a relearning process.

Still typing words reversing the middle two letters e.g. just. This was happening in the week before the proving when studying Lac-c e.g. milk.

I realise that over the past week I have not been taking on other people's moods etc., or only fleetingly. I am much more balanced. When I find myself tired/excited or drink tea or eat sugar, I do not over

do it and can centre myself.

Dream: I am sitting in a circle in class. There is a baby that is getting passed around for comfort and mothering. We share the task. It's my turn. The teacher passes me the baby and tells me to get it to sleep.

But I think 'no' the baby is hungry and needs feeding. I cannot breastfeed it - it's not my baby. I look around and can only see the cold remnant of a bottle of milk lying next to me. I am reluctant to give the

baby cold milk from a bottle. As it's the only thing I've got I put the bottle in the baby's mouth. The baby sucks at the teat like a lamb sucks at a bottle -ferociously- before going to sleep. - - - - -

Sensation of the familiar seeming strange. Driving down a well-known road but feeling that I don't know where I am. Confusing, detached feeling. Like I'm looking at the world from inside something. This has

happened twice in the last week.
Dream: continued ... There is confusion about the time of the appointment, and I am lost, I don't seem to know where it is, or where to go. I come across my cousin, who is a doctor. The appointment is with his

wife, who is also a doctor. I think I'll ask him for directions. He is on a phone call, listening to music on headphones and reading a letter. He is plugged in. I cannot get his attention. To get his attention, because

I'm in a hurry, I leap onto his desk from behind - startling him. I leap again, back onto the floor in front of him. He is annoyed and insists on making me wait while he finishes his task before responding.

Very cracky neck and shoulders while sitting working at desk. Loudly cracking bones and the feeling that they are moving and misplaced.

Mum wakes me up from a very deep sleep. It takes me far too long to really wake up and comprehend what is going on around me. Don't get sense and connection of words; don't understand what she is saying.

My friend joins us; we have a good time together.

When I arrive at college I go into the classroom and sit way at the back of the room, physically as far away from everyone else as I possibly can. I dread the tea break when people will turn around, see me and talk to

me. I will lose it. - - - - -

Other symptoms (emotional), on the contrary, I feel very positive, even resisting to have an argument with a friend that always pushes my buttons. We have known each other for 5 or so years and are quite

close. It often seems that people who are close use each other to let off negative emotions. Sometimes I just feel beaten by her; there is a physical hurt although it is emotional. I don't understand why humans

have to treat each other like this. At seminar someone reads a poem about trees, a favourite topic of mine. I notice the urge to reconnect, missing feeling touched by life since the proving. This feeling of missing

feeling touched is constant throughout proving.

Dream: I had a dream again. This was an odd one. I woke up trying to recall and I did feel like I quite grasp the imagery of the dream and so I did not put it in but when I explained it to my support I found that

I could describe it very well. It goes a little something like this. I was in a room; looks kind of like an office and my plants I keep are there. I know however, I am waiting for a pending race and that I am involved

in it. It is about to start any moment but I need to water my plants quickly. As I do I go ahead and water them and I then I knock one of them to the floor. A rather big one out of the lot so I tidy it up and then when

I put it back on the shelf I recognise an old plant of mine that died in the hands of my mother a few months ago but it was triple the growth it was before and I was pleasantly surprised. I then sprinted of

without tidying up the water on the floor. I get to the racetrack, which is a professional ring track with rally cars involved.

The race had started but that was fine for me, I was in it for the fun and I did not mind seeing how well I do. Thatís it! The feeling of knocking my plant over was not terrible either. It was a sense of 'oh dear,

come on lets get to it.' Hardly a moment to ponder and realise how the plant is, I could feel that the plant was okay I guess. Then the other plant I was amazed but also did not ponder to long on its random

appearance, it just felt great to have him back, then I wanted to get off to the race! I did not care about the race either I was only in it to experience it I guess! - - - - -

Similar to yesterday in that I simply couldn't muster up the interest to join in with the class discussion and felt utterly disengaged from it. More doodling. Wanted to go home.

Dream: I am on a long car journey with my mum, dad and siblings. We stop briefly and I say I will dash into a shop to grab some provisions. My Dad tells me what he wants - ice cream. The building I enter looks

like the Criterion Bar in Piccadilly with lots of old-fashioned kiosks inside. I am particularly taken by the beautiful curved ceiling which is sparkly, glittery and golden like a mosaic or scales. It is beautiful and

wasted on the shoppers who bustle about below this incredible ceiling. At the kiosk I am much too long.

My Dad will be wondering where I am. I am captivated by many of the delights on offer. As I come to pay I have to register my name and address -as you would do in online shopping- I have choose my name

and address from a list of all the many names and places I have belonged to in my life. There are so many of them and as I regard the list of all the names and all the places I have lived there is a feeling of 'who am I?'

and a sense of great detachment from the people I have been in the past. I stay a while longer at the kiosk being indulgent. This is going to be very expensive.

Speech can be amusing and find difficulty in stringing words and finding words today. It seems to me that everyone seems to be feeling like that; no one seems to be conversing easily.

See some deer and trees and feel something like my usual feelings for them - this underlines the feeling of disconnect and lack of engagement since the remedy.

In meditation a feeling as though there is a barrier in front of heart. Noticing the sense of disconnection.

I realise it's Halloween and I have not taken this in, underlines the feeling of disconnection which feels disturbing, even when I try I cannot feel much.

Had an idea in the middle of the night that there were two notes in my head. Tried to identify and hang on to them because I felt they were important and not the usual notes - a discord, perhaps a minor

seventh, with a sharpened note at the bottom.

A complete disinterest in my homeopathy classes at Hawkwood! Did loads of doodling on my notepad. I felt very bored; very unusual for me to feel like this.

Usually I remember my dreams and they are full of specific people and feelings. Since starting the proving, I know I've been dreaming but can't remember the details when I wake, or I only remember disjointed

fragments e.g. on day 1, there was a jar of jam and two dinner plates. Disconcerting.

Daughter 1: typed every word wrong today, last three letters to the beginning. I canít do words. Every word I read or write. I read the shapes but have to puzzle it out -like what it feels like playing scrabble-

all these little blocks. A sense of 'unheimlich' with myself -usually I'm really at home with words. As if dislocated, lost your groundedness inside yourself.

My first day working since proving - I work with people one to one. I notice I feel much, much less involved and less caring than usual, though still with a kind of abstract sense of connection- an aspect of the

disconnect that is a theme. Perception that would usually happen through empathy via my body and energy comes instead more kinesthetically and visually. I feel far more separate than usual.

I find it difficult to understand others; their words have no meaning.

I donít know how Iím feeling, emotions feel obscured.

I have noticed a general trend to being much more flatulent since the proving began. I notice other people being windy around me too. The pub smelt very badly of farts the other night and I notice my family's

flatulence much more than I used to. The smell is heavy and hot or eggy.

Left knee feels like I've twisted it this morning, before I even got out of bed I can feel it, like it's been dislocated, difficult to stand, but I just carry on and it eases through the morning. Feels like it's been over

stretched, sore at the back, wobbly on the joint.

It is very hard for me to concentrate on my work/symptoms etc. Whilst my girlfriend is here. I have to consider so many more things that I would usually and the time I usually have to do that sort of thing is

filled up with my girlfriend.

I feel like my attention is very focused and is where my eyes are, rather than based in what Iím feeling/ sensing as it usually is. Lack of emotions again.

A dream: of someone asking me lots of questions about how I am going to sort out various things. I answer patiently and without emotion although they are challenging me. - - - - -

Writing reports - not as anxious as usual about pleasing people or being judged on my comments. Was able to move on.

Feeling fed up again, canít be bothered (people). Want a holiday or just to be on my own. It has an annoyance underneath it that is unusual for me.

I have had a really good day. I am connecting with everything really well. The house, my studies, cycling about and as an overview of my time here in Plymouth, I think it has really made a good impression on me

and taught me a few things. I have found that I am able to think incredibly laterally and clear and achieve what I want. It is a really great feeling. Though when I went out later on and met up with a load of my

flat matesí graduate friends from his placement, I could not connect quite the same as I have done with the rest of my environment today. I found I was out of the link quite often possibly because I was not

connected within their group, as they were all intakes of the same company. It was not a bad feeling but it is the weird environment where you really love the fact that you do have really close friends out there

that really connect on another level. Where the connect has been good I have felt a general sense of fluidity and a sort of perpetual motion, where things I do seem to lead on well to other things and this is a

positive pulse of activity. I do generally have the feeling that I am too busy for a social life at the moment and this does not help making a connection with anyone. My concentration on my work is far better

than a month ago.

As well as feeling disengaged from the teaching, I also started feeling very antisocial in general and didn't want to chat with anybody at lunchtime.

Daughter 3 phoned (age 20, had ME as a teenager). She was in a bad state of panic. I am not taking on her stuff. I can listen and respond and not feel drained. This is novel - we have had a very symbiotic

relationship.

Not worried about who's in the house (people have come and gone a lot recently) slightly unusual.

Had to teach in corridor at school - felt very much an outsider. Had to keep a brave face, which was difficult.

By end of today I felt really overwhelmed by family - demands made on me from all quarters and as if I was shouldering all responsibility. Incessantly on the go all weekend, became desperate for time to myself. Very over-loaded. And very worried about coping with the demands of school tomorrow - no one seems to have time / to want to listen to what's going on in my life. Don't seem to be balancing very well.

Evening in library - when there are too many people I feel there is not enough space for myself, no boundaries, their voices, smells, presence goes straight into my emotions, penetrating, no way of stopping

it): I feel a bit sad and depressed; don ́t want to talk about parties, Christmas or badger cull; it is either too painful or too "happy", too emotional anyway. I feel a bit out of place. Not belonging. Maybe it ́s just

because Iím year 4 and proving with year 3, so don ́t quite belong here or there.

Dream of being in US and going to meet Cree people, huge pang in heart as we do this. I was looking at crafts and some familiar people turned up and there was a tension between continuing to do my thing

and doing the socially acceptable thing. Feels more of a personal dream than remedy - related, but also perhaps as though my more usual self is trying to reassert itself over the remedy by way of stereotype

dreams, as though I'm trying to push out the effects of the proving and re-engage my heart which has felt the sense of disconnection most strongly - native people also represent for me the aspects that have felt

noticeably lacking since the proving - connection, inter-awareness, caring, emotionality.

Meditation repeats the feeling of heart and engagement, again as though trying to reassert this against the disconnected/ dissociated feeling of proving. I feel a wave of heavy energy that wants to be coughed

or retched up. I feel the desire to end the proving and be back to myself and back to connection. This desire for the proving to end repeats days

Very sleepy and heavy feeling. Distracted and unable to concentrate.

Dream: continued ... The doctor directs me outside into the garden. Out in the garden my daughter's therapy/medicine is to be taught by me to use a machine that looks like a strimmer with a sharp piece of

wire attached to it. I try to help her to use it safely but struggle to get her attention or to make her understand what she should do. It's a dangerous looking thing and every time she comes over to investigate she

put both of her hands on the 'blade' and then asks me to turn it on. I keep imagining her fingers being sliced off. At the edge of the garden, which is very nicely kept with a trim lawn and neat borders, I can see

a couple of clumps of unruly weeds and vegetation. I am instructed to approach these with the strimmer. I zoom in and inside the clump of weeds and grass I see a frog and a beetle and have the impression of

many things living in there. I do not want to slice them in half. I react to the strimmer as I would to a knife or blade. - - - - -

Daughter 1 had a dream: some one had sliced me across the middle below the rib cage on the fleshy part, the unprotected bit. It was with a cauterising blade like a samurai sword - it burns and stops you bleeding.

I was split, cut across the middle, but the spinal cord was left intact, no blood. I knew I would still be alive but I woke wondering how am I going to digest food. It wasn't a specific person, I was just cut.

My partner said I shouted out loud. I woke peacefully after it, it felt quite cathartic.

Felt slow and tired between now and around 6pm. I could not do words, more than usual - used gestures, tripped over words, and made up descriptive nonsense words.

I escape outside on my own and lie on my back on the ground to try to find some calm. I feel better for a little while until a friend comes and stands over me and asks me what's wrong. I would like to avoid this

conversation but feel pinned down by our relative positions. I start to talk to him about how the proving is making me feel. He speaks to me with huge compassion and then stands me up to give me a hug. I don't

want the hug because I know I will lose control but he insists. As he hugs me he pushes with small force on my solar plexus. I immediately become tearful and feel like running away. The kindness and compassion

is much too much for me to bear and he has put his hand right on the spot where all my feelings are concentrated.

Working, I notice some of body-type empathy has returned though heart still feels disengaged from process.

I sat down to play piano and had a realisation about music playing during this proving. When I was in the 'open' phase, I found I could play without inhibition, making far fewer mistakes, being less self-conscious,

using my skill well and feeling I could get into the music and play it without hindrance of the notes. A very good feeling that now I could build and learn and teach well. Probably the same intuitive feeling when

you first learn as a child and here is something you can do and enjoy and can make your own and share with others. In my adult years too many other things have got in the road. It was marvelous to be back with

that again. However today my playing stumbled and limped, the connection was not quite there between my fingers and the music inside of me. I really would like to recapture the feeling.

At the airport: So v touchy with people that are behind me. I have to look over my shoulder all the time and get really rude if someone or only their rucksack touches me. I either tut very loudly or say something

like ďCan't you back off a little!Ē

Dog has been quite unresponsive with me this week - a big contrast to two weeks ago when I felt really close to him and he stayed by me. I feel as if I have somehow shut down so he canít sense the me of two

weeks ago - which is still there somewhere, just not seen or heard. Reminds me of the struggle I had relating to him when we first got him and daughter 3 was in the middle of chronic fatigue.

Coming out of meditation and writing it is hard to focus on book - brings a feeling of vertigo and slight nausea. I want to stare into space, very big and distant, detached feeling. This feeling of emotional

disconnection or cut off feeling, feeling far more 'separate' and distant than usual is a theme throughout proving, a constant sense that is more or less intense or noticeable at different times. It is always there but

specifically repeats on days 1, 2, 5, 10, 20, 21, 55.

My supervisor texts to ask what time to speak. Again a wave of being unable to feel any point or suggest anything. Lasts 10 mins then lifts, I realise it felt like a little black cloud.

My husband noticed that the dog yelped again when I left for work. This is not usual when some one is at home.

I cannot remember the name of a classmate who has been a good friend for three years.

Electric/energy

I am going to bed slightly later than normal and getting up slightly earlier than usual (say 30mins each side) but I feel awake, I feel I have energy.

Feel more alive and awake.

My toes still feel blistery and tingly. Usually when I get these pressure spots on my toes it goes after a day or two. If I apply pressure to them, it does not make a difference.

Felt whole body vibrating but was very nice. Whilst putting my son to bed.

I wake from sleep, this has happened every night for the last 6 nights, I just suddenly find myself a wake for no reason, the time is different each night, then I lie there half awake, half a sleep, I am full of energy,

usually when I wake at night it is because I have something on my mind, I am worrying about something, but this is not like that, I just feel full of energy, buzzing, I lie waiting to fall back to sleep, I do not get up

(I would normally).

A very large hornet inside the kitchen window. I encouraged it out with a chopstick. It made a low metallic buzzing sound, fell on floor and flew off across the garden.

Daughter talked about playing laser quest last week where her kit made a loud buzzing sound every time she was hit - everyone else's just flashed.

I have feelings today of complete calm which fluctuate with feelings of extreme tension. I am very aware of the rise and fall of nervous tension inside me. I can control it if I notice it.

Up in a dizzy rush to switch off heating. Vestige of headache left.

Woke with headache worse. Pronounced on right side. Dizzy, staggering a bit, flashy vision. Nausea.

Ankle is still a little like electric shocks, like when you put foil on your tooth filling, but in the ankle.

Had a brief time in the middle of the night with the excited, churning feeling in my stomach, which I've woken with most days recently. The unusual thing was that this time it went away after a short time. It felt

very pleasant to be able to lie in a relaxed state.

Woke with excited, nervous, tight feeling around heart area - must stretch and breathe deeply. As if full and needing to burst open. Also tense round neck and shoulders, ready to go/fight/run/do. Had to get up

and then the feeling went. Usually this excited feeling will centre round my tummy, lower abdomen.

I sprain my ankle. The pain is incredible and I wake up with a jolt.

I felt very present today, good energy and in the moment.

Get up at 7, quite fit and alert. More at ease with people than last night. My hair seems very important and I have to wear the CHOUGH t-shirt.

The shadow seems solid, textured and looking at the scene gives me a vertiginous, floating, fizzy feeling which intensifies the harder I look. It is pleasurable and an effect I can intensify at will. I play with it. It is felt

like a buzz or hum in my solar plexus.

In the middle of the night I woke but kept my eyes shut. In my right eye, bottom left hand corner, I saw very clearly two flies. They were very alive and vibrant, no particular colour but very clearly defined almost

like fine metal work. Their wings were moving very fast, rather like hoverflies, with a visual fizzy, buzzing 'sound'. Almost mechanical but very real, not as if watching a film and as if they were not from my

imagination. I found them very beautiful and alien.

I was happy to give daughter 2 a lift to the station for work. Was not at all begrudging - usually I want to help out but feel secretly put upon and taken for granted. It felt very good to be free to enjoy the impulse

instead of tired and dragged down. Daughter 2 noticed the difference, said I was usually grumpy.

Shouted at my children for not getting ready for bed. Felt furiously impatient with them.

Again today I had good energy. Positive.

3 - 6 h.: Ache in the heart region, I am afraid of getting a heart attack. Palpitations, panicky. All sorts of stuff in my head.

My heart pounds in my chest as I tell a story, which is a little embarrassing for me.

Waking up I was bothered about my heart. It felt slow and lazy and I thought what if it stops or I have a heart attack - what if that happens when I'm getting on the plane to Hong Kong in a few weeks time?

What if I die? Perhaps I have inherited my grandfather's weak heart. And to make sure that wouldn't happen, I had to get up and move about - so sitting still feels dangerous to me. It is not a fear so much as

a wondering and 'at the mercy of my bodyí.

At night before bed I do not feel tired, I go to bed, as it is my usual time for bed 23 h., not because I am tired. I feel I could stay up late - no problem. I have lots of energy at night.

Woke up at 1am and could not go back to sleep. Busy head - planning activities for the following day. I was not particularly tired the following day, despite having had only 3 hours sleep!

Still no headache today although I am doing more than usual and although tired and drained from teaching. In spite of the 'beginning of a cold' feeling, I feel very well and cheerful. Long may it last! I haven't

felt so able for a long time.

A man jumps out at me in a corridor and tries to have sex with me. I don't want to. I have to shake him off.

Love to run.

I could run! My legs felt long and strong - like when I used to play hockey and run the 200m as a young teenager. I could keep going. My sore ankle didn't bother me; heavy-chested breathing didn't bother me

or hold me back. I could lift my legs and run well. I was running close to the earth and looking at the grass and mud with the dog running alongside. It felt really good and almost too good to be true. Smiled a lot.

At lunchtime my left hand is feeling really weird. As if I have been sleeping on it and there is a numbness or tickling sensation (tips of the fingers) nothing helps. When the fingers touch each other they feel smooth and dry. When the fingers on the other hand touch them, it feels dry with a tickling sensation amplified. It is better for being massaged from the shoulder down to the wrist (around the elbow).

In shower felt a numbish, sore sensation in the 2nd toe of my left foot, like a bee sting, nerve type of pain.

Strong palpitations while sitting reading. No apparent cause, no coffee, tea or strong emotions. They went right through my left arm and made the book move up and down.

Had the feeling that my chest/head is being pulled down for some minutes; then up, elongated neck, pulled upwards; head getting higher, neck longer. Then sensation of internal spinning around the spine.

After everyone left the building on Sunday night I am sad and feel alone; start getting practical (write down my route, do a bit of homeopathy, put all the stuff in the car I will not need anymore, etc.) I am very

very sweaty and a bit panicky, as I have to leave so early and have a mammoth day ahead of me. 8.15 bed, almost straight to sleep.

Still very sensitive on crown and to the right. Still tired. To touch it was tender, like a bruise. Aluminum on tooth similar sensation on head, electric to touch.

Warm fuzzy feeling in my head. Soft gentle buzzing sound different from the usual rushing noise I get when I first relax. Thoughts of warm rainforest, trees, creepers, little orange cheeky looking monkey

somewhere off vision to the right. Very pleasant.

Dog walk. A red hot air balloon over the fields coming down, coming nearer. Heard the whoosh of the flame for the first time ever in real life-dragon-like, primeval. Dog dashed at it and barked like fury for 20

mins. It sailed right overhead. Virgin was the logo. Someone waved down, one black arm shape and I waved back. Really good feeling. Then it was gone over the hedge.

Euphoria/calm

Relax/ meditate - as if I go off into black space, travelling there and that is peaceful.

On waking, feeling noticeably calm.

Another dream about walking down, this time through a long corridor, I can see the end, but I have no fear, no claustrophobia; I just walk down in big strong strides. All is well.

No nerves at COS play.

I have had this euphorically feeling similar to that of coming up on drugs. I felt excited and my body had this overwhelmingly elated feeling. Generally a very good feeling but curiously odd because I have not

taken any exciting substances other than the proving.

Dog walk at sunset. I felt great joy at sky (blue, orange, pick smoky sunset) and silhouettes. One bat flittered out of the trees clear against the sky. I normally can feel quite euphoric in nature, but tonight was

marked. I had a wide open smile and eyes most of the hour.

Feel very excited to be embarking on the proving. Happy.

Swim in lake Constance, I don't feel the cold of the water, I just feel free.

I get up and feel good. Realise that I will have time now to treat myself to good home cooked food.

Usually I will develop a headache over the weekend. I did not. Felt very well, though tired.

After a whole day plus an extra lecture I was fine. Generally this would obliterate me, but although I was tired, I really enjoyed the bonfire and then time in the library chatting by the fire. It felt good, like the

first week of the proving again.

Glimmer of hopefulness when I woke this morning - which I could show my face at school on Wed, that I could get up and go to yoga. This threw into relief the terrible despair of the last day or two.

Feeling very good, grateful, loving and lucky.

Parallel tractor tracks away from me down the field caught my attention, seemed to lead up to the sky, and I felt very hopeful and uplifted.

What horrifies me is that I recognise this bogged down emotional state I have been in many times, and I feel sorry for the me of then who couldn't get out of it. Perhaps now I have a chance to get out.

Still feel positive about going out and doing and talking to people. And also more settled and happy at home. Usually I look at all the things that need doing and despair - it feels like too much, a hopeless task

and I wont make any difference anyway.

In spite of an intense few days -lots of people and unusual events- I have not got a headache and feel remarkably well and cheerful.

Full moon. When I took off my glasses I saw the moon and its surround as one big bright joyful unit and it seemed wonderful to me. It made me think of giving out to others and reminded me of a song my

children sang at junior school: 'Love is something if you give it away. You end up having more.' I related that feeling -to- feeling well about being in touch with my family.

A buzzard flying slowly overhead looked totally beautiful - and I told it so. Again a feeling of kinship. Also flocks of geese flying directly overhead. Joyful and uplifting.

Great teaching at home after being out and active and in touch with people. Felt lively and reciprocal. Big contrast to the feeling at school. This is how it should be.

Had a fruit tea for the first time at Hawkwood, pretty unusual for me. Love and appreciation for everyone.

Got T in my heart, always, warm waves of love and desire.

Lots of dreams full of love and desire. Think of T when I wake up, happy and longing.

Headache went after dog walk and chat with neighbours - sorted out dog sitting which took a weight off my mind. Mood immediately lifted and I could tackle business letters and phone calls - have not been

able to face that sort of thing for the last few days. Still aching neck and shoulders and vestiges of headache remaining, but it is remarkable how quick the change in mood was.

Daughter 1 thought I must still be under the influence of the remedy. Perhaps I was more relaxed and out-spoken than when she saw me last (before proving).

A friend of mine confides in me that she is having problems resisting this woman, as she is so overwhelmingly interesting. She points her out to me and the woman notices it and comes over afterwards.

There is no magic in the world to stop me from falling for her. - It is a wonderful dream, although nothing "happens". But it leaves a hopeful, warm (or more) feeling.

Feeling very positive, feeling very good. Everything feels right.

Woke refreshed and ready to go. Positive feeling with mental clarity and physical restlessness. Unlike usual waking for me over the last years and years - heavy head, heavy body, creaks and aches and rather

dreading the day than otherwise. This felt how it should be.

After tea, I have a wonderful sense of gratitude and appreciation; feel emotionally happy, for my family and to be alive.

Felt a bit sick in the stomach whilst I was talking to my mate in the car on the way to the train station. It was a nausea feeling and I was not overly concerned because I knew I was not going to throw up but it

was a discomforting feeling. Whilst talking to my mate I had a very similar elated feeling to that of the weekend and I was talking a lot. I think the sick feeling came on perhaps because the feeling got to much

and although it still felt good it was perhaps at that stage just a bit to far.

Finding things funny for no reason at all, feeling generally happy, feel a bit silly and daft.

Sleeping with my arms above my head. It feels great to hold my arms up high above my head, this is not my normal sleeping position, but it feels so nice, it feels right. This has been going on most evenings

from this point. Probably every night.

Became very sleepy and relaxed all evening. No headroom to be anxious. As if the bump - or the arnica - gave me permission to stop.

Monday 4.15 up, all smooth, put tent away etc. On the road at 5.15. I see a LIVING badger and feel so happy about it!

I am with a group of people looking for a particular garden at a grand manor house. I know where it is (it feels as if it appeared in another dream before, I am aware of this in the dream) and I tells everyone,

even describe it. No one believes me. We follow s.o. that claims to know but we soon realise thatís not the one.

We find out the property has 3 gardens and the one we are looking for can only be accessed through the house. I am in a wheelchair by then but feel quite smug when they realise I was right in the first place.

An official guy gives me a big red leather bound book, which is the guidebook. I try to clutch it against my chest to hold it (feels heavy but comfortable against my chest) and simultaneously move my chair.

No one helps me and I struggle quite a bit, but donít ask for help or pass on the book to s.o. else. The house is filled with beautiful furniture and lovely people (servants?) who smile at me. I wake up happy.

I leave a place where I feel happy and safe. My husband goes before me. As I get to the other side of the door I see my husband lying on the floor with the police standing over him. He seems frightened and tells

me to do exactly as they say - very unlike him. I am handcuffed and waiting to be searched. I know I am innocent and start to taunt and jeer at the police. This feels dangerous. There are people watching and

I start to play to the gallery. I'm being reckless and foolish.

Time feels blurry, what day is it? Feel quite peaceful.

Exposed/hidden

Dream: I am at a school to pick up my son. A man is leaving with his son. I can see that they are father and son because the son, who is very young, has exactly the same beard as his father. This is absurd and

very funny. I hide as I watch this man and his son. He talks to a lady and thanks her very graciously for what the proving has given him (some sort of enlightenment and understanding). They both seem really

cool but I am not cool enough. I want to join in but I am not good enough. (In my diary I recall this dream with a drawing rather than words - I never draw usually, I am hopeless at it). - - - - -

When I talk to my supervisor later I am really aggravated as I donít feel understood (or fail to make myself clear) about what happened on Facebook. I get weepy as I feel I am being shut up.

-We talk about it and it is ok again- I notice that I am still very vulnerable and the feeling of not being allowed my opinion is painful.

Maybe it goes back to feeling "wrong" about myself, my looks, my feelings, never really belonging, never really being ďrightĒ.

Dream: going to play in a concert. The car being driven slowly, we were going to be late. The driver was a woman, smoking, and she didn't seem to care about getting there, but I had to be polite and not say

anything. Horrid low-level anxiety. The concert was held in a church setting with pillars here and there. I was initially in the audience due to play in the second half. Had to get up in the middle of the concert

to change clothes. The changing room had cubicles, fairly posh, but they were all taken so I had to change in the central area where anyone could see you - no one was paying any attention but I still felt exposed

to people judging me and also like an outsider at the same time. Didn't have the right clothes - getting changed been like after a cold dip, clumsy and sticky and arduous. My clothes were see-through and

slightly grubby. It was the stuck feeling you get when pot holing -one of my worst nightmares- being trapped and no matter how you try you will stay stuck. This dream did not have the panic, just the stuffy

low level anxiety. No sharing of or expression of the experience - I had to suffer it alone. - - - - -

Dream: I see two men walking and talking. I have had crushes on both of them as a teenager. I want to see them but do not want to be seen so I hide and watch. My reluctance to be seen comes from shame

at my appearance. Eventually I go and say hello. They stop and talk briefly but they have important business to discuss so they move on quickly. I am ashamed at how dreadful I look. Paranoia.

I am in a guerrilla-style training camp. I am being trained to look/appear friendly but am deadly. This feels not only like camouflage but also deception. I am not sure whether I am here voluntarily or against my

will as sometimes the camp seems like a prison and sometimes I get the impression that our trainer wants to kill me. I cannot tell where his loyalties lie. A lot of tension in the camp; it feels like something is

about to happen. Eventually the person I am training with attacks the trainer and knocks him unconscious.

There's a feeling of him or me. While the bad man is unconscious we make plans to escape. A really old friend appears out of the blue, as we are about to make our getaway. I have always trusted her completely

but something about her appearance now make me extremely nervous. I am sure she is with 'them' and means me harm. She organises all the people in the camp into groups and tells each group to split and

face each other. She still seems like the friendly, trustworthy honest friend of old as she hands one half of each group bow and arrows and orders them to start loosing them at the other half of the group, which

includes children. I am sure I have upset my friend and that this is her revenge. I'm wracked with the feeling that I've wronged her and she has found out about my betrayal. She's going to make us all kill each

other. - - - - -

Dream: I am going to a fancy dress party. The issue is how much I cover up and how much of myself I reveal.

I am going to a child's fancy dress party. I decide to dress up myself and feel much more confident about going once I have put on a wig and war paint. People look at me with curiosity in the street. I like shocking

and surprising them. I feel immune to judgement or recognition when I am in costume. - - - - -

Meet a friend for a swim, but find it too windy; the wind is aggressive. I am not afraid of the water, but would feel too exposed to the wind and its violence.

I go to a house to post a cheque for a local charity. My husband had suggested I knock on the door and deliver it in person and have a chat. Instead I park out of sight, scuttle up the driveway, post the letter and

hurry away, not wanting to be seen. I can't imagine being able to handle the conversation. I want to give the money to the charity but I don't want to have a conversation with them. It's the gratitude I can't

take.

I utter a few expletives out loud as I have a 'memory spasm' about some embarrassing behaviour that I'm ashamed of.

After sharing the proving on camera with others I realise I feel a little exposed, perhaps as we had a quick transition into another process.

In class we cover a case that is given the same remedy that I think (I donít know for sure) I am being given constitutionally. I feel self-conscious about this and unable to engage with the discussion.

Dream: I am with my son trying to exit an enclosed, fenced field where it is safe to play. I am in my car. Around the field is a circular track, which I follow in my car to try to exit. The path looks like it becomes

too narrow to drive down. I ask the way out, of a passer by. She points me down the path I was looking at which suddenly seems to be big enough to drive down. The path is bare with a hedge on one side.

My son asks me why there are no foxes in the play area. I tell him there are no foxes because the track, which is open and exposed, acts like a firebreak. The foxes simply cannot set a single paw on the road, as it

has no cover, anywhere to hide. They cannot cross into the safe area where the children play. (I draw this dream in my diary before I can find the words to describe it).

Dream: continued ... In the circle I have the feeling of being exposed to questions or scrutiny from the teacher. I try not to make eye contact and try to hide behind the baby so that the questions are directed

elsewhere. I feel really threatened when the teacher comes to stand over me to ask a question. No escape.

Dream: I am walking through a grassy field to where my car is parked. I get to my car and realise that, far from it being safe and secure, I have left it with both of the front doors wide open. This makes me feel

insecure, unsafe and wide open. Someone could have got in. An electrician comes to fix my car.He has come a long way and had to be put up the previous night. He is complaining that he has not been looked

after in the manner to which I gather he has become accustomed. They have put him up in a plain, basic, functional room. This is not good enough for the electrician. He is too important and is used to better.

The feeling is 'don't you know who I amí.

I felt I had to really watch out today that I didn't make a careless joke and offend some one inadvertently. It was as if I had to remind myself that I didn't know these people so well that I could relax and say

anything - I had to mind my tongue. Like remembering how to speak in a different language. Something bad would happen if I werenít careful - I would be ridiculed or shunned. Jokes feel dangerous. An effort

to maintain my persona. Found myself doing little girl laughs.

A boy in a wheelchair being pushed inside a big house in a village. Why have we never seen him before? His mother hides him.

We are having a family photograph taken. I put trousers on to hide the fact that the bottom of my leg is missing.

Strong impulse to eat chocolate, drink tea and 'escape ' into a book. Curl up in a corner. Hide from all demands.

I dress up for a Halloween party with my daughter. It feels great to be out and so noticeable but at the same time to be hiding my self. In disguise I feel much more socially confident.

I loved being under my big green umbrella in the rain. Usually I am impatient of the whole concept of umbrellas, but today it felt embracing and enclosing. The walk seemed to go on forever or no time,

I was in my own bubble, happy. It kept out the usual anxiety of being late for yoga.

Dream: I am wheeling my daughter to a doctor's appointment in a wheelchair through a building with many doors, stairs, twists and turns. I am in a hurry, late, lost and unsure. Every time I round a corner or

enter a new corridor I look round for my daughter and either she is not there or she is there, running about normally and it is the wheelchair that is left behind. I have to go and get the thing because the

wheelchair is somehow part of the appointment. I'm a bit embarrassed that my daughter seems not to need the wheelchair as we are now heading for this appointment.

Managed to drop the hot lunch I was preparing for my son to take to school, and then dropped my own breakfast onto the floor/down my clothes. Felt very annoyed and oddly embarrassed. - - - - -

Still very pessimistic - cant see how to carry on. The only option is to not face up to anything. It feels as though everyone is against me. Impulse to run away, give up everything, hide.

Eating dinner in the school dining hall was really hard today. I felt self - conscious and as if no one wanted to talk to me. It was as if I was behind a screen. The food tended to stick in my gullet, almost choked

several times. Was anxious to finish and go. I used to hate eating in dining halls but have been ok with it for a few years.

Some self-consciousness and consequent stiffening up crept in while teaching at school - it inhibited my 'reactability' with pupils; found myself watching myself as I talked.

Several dreams, mostly unremembered. One about an exrelationship and trying to remove myself. This is not a brand new dream for me but relationship theme repeats unusually frequently in different forms

- days 16, 18, 19, 22, 25, 26, 40, 41, 42.

Today I had a bad day at school - quite intense resurfacing of old anxieties around teaching/performance/class control. I felt I was not teaching well, my pupils would not be ready for exams.

String group (15 kids), which I was taking with the HOD I felt, was disorganised and noisy. I was mortified, but felt I had to appear competent - felt I would be judged and found wanting. The feeling was

almost unbearable, but I have had practice covering up, smiling and laughing. I felt I had no control over how things would turn out, that things would go wrong whatever I did.

Making mistakes in music - very unsure of self here, almost like deliberate sabotage. (What if I get it wrong? Might as well get it wrong.)

Talking to proving supervisor highlights the feeling of wanting to get away from the proving/ remedy, for it to end.

A friend has moved into my old house. She is convinced she is being watched and judged through a gap in her curtains by someone at a neighboring window.

I wake after a bad night's sleep. I remember the previous day and feel weepy and emotional. I have to get a grip. I feel I need to control and hide.

I have had for the last couple of days (4-5 days roughly) a bout of constipation where I pass only a little bit of stool and it is a bit witchery in shape and less than I feel is normal or necessary. I have the urging

for more but I could not pass anything but loud flatulence. It is embarrassing and awkward (if I think who is standing outside the loo). My bowels are constantly making movement noises with a throbbing

movement. I think it is from giving up smoking!

Flying/falling

Worried that I will give the wrong impression at school and kill all the lessons dead - that I was responsible for the success of my pupils and would not manage however hard I tried. In fact the harder I tried

the worse it would go and I would be judged as failing. Feels like the feeling in the dreams of the skyscraper and the drowning - about to fall or die and I couldn't do anything. And the feeling of being paralysed

or frozen in inaction. This feels like revisiting the great panicky fear of when I started teaching class music 30 years ago and had a nightmarish time. I still struggle with the remnants of this fear now and then.

Felt clumsy all day. Spilt peas all over the freezer. On a par with all the over clumsy events of the day.

Collapsing feeling in right leg on going downstairs. As if it would give out. Hasnít had it for a long time.

I see one of the companyís planes coming too in low in a wrong angle. I watch it hoping it will be able to land ok but it comes down on one wing that crumbles away and the plane crashes. I meet the pilot

later who seems to be a friend of mine. He is badly wounded and bruised but in a good and almost casual mood. We don ́t find out what happened to the passengers that allegedly were elderly and feeble people,

so I am worried.

In meditation, feel as though I am floating above the floor - repeats day 27, 42. Then the feeling of flying again, soaring high in the sky, wanting to be high up again, urge for space.

Still drawn to up and flight of birds.

I fall 4 times in 2 walks, as the grass is so wet and my shoes so slippery. The 4th time I almost dislocate my shoulder. I can ́t do certain movements, it is a sharp, hot pain. I apply some Miranda Castro cream

(Arnica 1x, Calc.-f. 8x, Rhus-t. 3x, Ruta 1x, Symph. 1x, Thios. 3x) and give it as much rest as possible. Before bed I take one Ruta 30.

Pictures fall of wall - Angus

Meditation, eyes shut -quiet then many visuals- blank screen then under water with finger - like fronds of seaweed then momentary image of an otter. Then sensation and image of flying with herring gull, soft

joyful feeling. Then flying through space extremely fast (this aspect of fast flying in meditation repeats on days 2, 4, 21), psychedelic whirling patterns and lines of light flashing past then as though through

a black tunnel (tunnel image repeats day 0 in bed and day 4) - concomitant feeling a bit nauseous like travel sickness. Then being in black space and feeling very, very detached. Thought of Ďwho am I?í

Feeling/ image of the energy of remedy coming over me like a cloak. Momentary feeling of slight fear or protectiveness -felt as subtle urge to shrink away. Bodily sensation all over - a bit rushy, muscles feel very relaxed and also a bit electric (repeats in meditation day 4) and slightly numb - lasts a few minutes. Sense of tunnel again or more like a narrow pathway, flying very fast.

Dreams of proving group. 1 - one person is making everyone a cup of tea. I wonder whether to bother explaining how I like mine and decide not to (no strong feelings with this) but then he comes back and

asks everyone what he or she wants anyway.

2 - We are outside in London, maybe on a roof garden. I see a red squirrel coming down a roof towards us and point it out to the others. Feels a huge honour to see it, exciting, I wonder how it can be here.

It runs past two cats, a third one tries to chase it but no chance and that is funny. Then squirrel flew (?) into a tree and two pheasants followed it.

Dream of flying: I do an extra meditation to see if I can get in touch with the remedy. I have a similar experience to first evening, a lot of fast flying, through dark space, tunnels. Activity and 'buzz' in body. Feeling solar plexus as centre of my being, as though it can navigate literally and metaphorically, feels sure in itself. Momentary lurch of nausea and energy to throat with similar constriction as first evening. Then a feeling

of a brief sharp pain and image of a small knife in heart, which doesn't feel unpleasant. I feel especially comfortable lying on back (this feeling of being comfortable on back comes up again in another form day 5, 7).

Dream: I was in a skyscraper watching a storm-jags of lightning getting closer and closer. There were other people around out of vision. I was in one of the top floors, perhaps 20 floors up. Then the whole

block leaned over at a 45į angle. I thought: this is what it feels like to be about to die in a disaster. Thoughts passed through my mind like: It will hurt, how will I bear it, others will be hurt. Could hardly imagine

how awful it would be. The idea of falling from a height, constrained in a building, going through terrible physical hurt, with other people going through the same. Was looking out the window at his angle and

not acting afraid, seeming stoic, but actually terrified inside. It would happen and I could not do anything. - - - - -

I have had the best day with my husband. It has been full of mirth, excitement and adventure. As I get home I am dancing with my daughter who my husband has dressed in his suit. As I am joyful and very

much in the moment, my ankle gives way. Went over on right ankle while out a walk. Did this yesterday too. Have not done that for a while.

Daughter 2: I felt like sitting on the floor today to discuss work with a colleague. (In an office of 10, secretarial work) On the floor I cant fall off.

 

doing so m uch and the graduate friends I felt they were really not my type of friends because they keep

themselves to themselves and are in a tight knit group of work buddies. Also my girlfriend is not coming

until new years and this seems like a long time away unti

l she is here. This makes me think of everything

but studying because when I study my mind wanders on to such things really easily and If I then

concentrate on something different the whole time I find I lose myself in the subject and do not wander

off ont

o loneliness so easily. P2 49/49:XX: XX NS

I still feel unproductive because I have not made any headway with my work and I although I have sorted a

lot of Christmas presents already I feel like I am distracting myself on purpose. P2 51/51:XX: XX RS

Ag

ain I have been fairly unproductive and I feel bad that I have not gotten on which the things I have to

do. Instead I have played guitar and cleaned my room. P2 55/55:XX: XX RS

Wake early and alert. P3 1/1:06:10 NS

I wake early and alert. P3 2/2:06:10

NS

I wake early and alert. P3 3/3:06:20 NS

Wake early and alert. P3 4/4:06:10 NS

Wake early and alert. P3 4/4:06:10 NS

Wake early and alert. P3 5/5:06:20 NS

Wake early and alert. P3 8/8:06:10 NS

Instinctive/

blunt

donít

feel like talking to people. Donít feel like social niceties

Ė

a blunt feeling of not wanting to bother

coupled with feeling distant. Donít especially want to be alone either. This feeling of not feeling bothered

to interact repeats as a background feelin

g throughout and specifically days 2, 4. P1 2/2:08:00 NS

I receive a text from a colleague who I can find a bit sticky and notice I'm feeling more blunt than usual

about it, just canít be bothered to deal with it. P1

4/4:08:05 IOS

I notice a little dama

ge to a table where I lent my flat to some relatives, and am more annoyed than I

would usually be by this and by them not telling me. P1 4/4:08:30 NS

Another small event where I feel the urge to stand ground more than usual but also canít be bothered.

Thi

s is a strange combination that has repeated. P1 29/5:18:10 NS

Again feel more like defending corner or fighting if needed

-

I throw something back in someone's face

that is being a bit disrespectful, though still with very little emotion, instinctual. P1

54/6:13:15 NS

Dream: I am at a party in a field with friends. We all pitch in together to make a camp and look after the

kids. The next day one of my friendís just packs all her own stuff up and makes to leave. I am instantly

enraged by what I perceive

to be her selfishness. I attack her verbally. I cannot restrain myself. She comes

straight back at me and attacks me for the way I am raising my son, particularly how I deal with his

incontinence

-

this is really below the belt. Later I'm ashamed at my out

burst and I try to put my arm on

her shoulder and apologise. She is rigid with refusal. The damage is done. P3 5/XX NS

Dream: There's a girl with a lot of unruly brown hair. I ask her if she has ever tied it up so people can see

her face. She is defensive

and there is a feeling of potential aggression in the air. The question has made

her uncomfortable. No, she has never tied her hair up. I touch her hair tentatively and she looks at me

sharply. I wonder if she is going to attack me. There is a lot of tens

ion palpable in the air between us. It's a

volatile moment. P3 5/XX NS

Another person not from any homeopathy group comes in and starts talking to someone in my group.

She doesnít belong here! It feels an imposition

-

donít want them here. P1 1/1:08:45 N

S

Gave in to the impulse to drink coffee. The usual immediate feeling of capability. Rather like the feeling of

the beginning of the proving. No bad after effects.e.g.headache, depression. P7 39/39.12.00

OS

In shops I feel more irritable than usual with

small things in people eg cashier being rough with my fruit.

Again I feel the urge to fight is stronger, as on day ... Also more offended than usual by eg cancer

companies' adverts, the lack of ethics etc. P1 6/6:10:00 NS

Notice that the lack of emotion g

oes with more sense of instinct than feeling. P1 1/1:08:55 NS

Dream snippet of pointing out to some people that someone else was controlling them

-

dream lacked

emotion but this slightly compelling need to point this out. P1 3/3:07:00 NS

Fall asleep agai

n and brief dream of criticising/ mocking some indulgent parents of small children, again††

lacking emotion but harsher than usual reaction. P1 4/4:07:15 NS

Dream where I was pointing out a practical error in a group project, being disagreed with by some

in the

group but one person agreeing. Unemotional but just determined to carry on and do what I felt I needed

to. P1 7/7:07:00 NS

Dream of correcting someone who is helping me with a chore but making practical mistakes. I am more

assertive than usual, yet

not angry or emotional. P1 8/8:07:00 NS

At a conference, I find one speaker very difficult to watch, as her energy feels very forceful. I want to get

away, again in this blunt instinctive way, not emotional. P1 8/8:15:00 NS

I have a discussion with so

meone on face book about homeopathy and feel quite happy afterwards as I

didn

í

t get too emotionally involved but stood my ground in a positive way and knew when I had to leave

it. P9 37/37:X RS

Feeling preoccupied by some small events from the day before

(which didnít directly involve me). More

than usual feeling like having something out with the people in question, feeling more prepared to have a

fight if necessary. An urge to go and thump it into its place though still lacking emotional involvement,

ju

st an instinctual urge. P1 3/3:07:00 IOS

Very fed up in general especially with husband and children; feel intolerant of husband's behaviour. P5

23/20:00:00 RS

Irritable with daughter. P8 6 RS

Intensity/emotion/taste

Headache cleared, ear unblocked in

the hot shower. A big feeling of relief and clearing of thoughts

-

now I

can get out of myself and go and do things. Quite an intense feeling of liberation and release. (Previous to

this my whole head had gone dull, achey, full of cotton wool, numb and ti

ngly

-

seemed to be triggered by

reading about Natrums.) Is this unusual or am I just more aware? P7 25/25.07.30 IOS

I have cravings over the last few days to things with high sugar content though I have a feeling this

aggravates my symptoms. P2

32/8:21:10 OS

There is a strong craving for very tasty food, preferably hot (I use excessive amounts of pepper these days,

but also chilly, ginger, etc.) or different flavours like cheese and onion, not from a packet but self made.

This evening (after din

ner), I brown some onions and add cheese and eat it; just like that. Strange. P9

33/33:X NS

Yesterday evening we watched an old video of when I was 16/17

-

all the family had already watched it

apart from me. I hadn't felt at all emotional about it. But y

esterday lots of emotion surged up and I felt

really nostalgic about the younger me. P7

22/X NS

I feel in low spirits today. I am feeling quite emotionally raw. At times I struggle to control my urge to cry

or leave the room. P3 28/28:14:00 NS

Wide

-

awak

e for a couple of hours. Unbearable feeling of falling, failing and letting people down (or going

to). Terrified of thought of getting on the plane to HK

-

that the plane will fall out of the sky and I cant

hold it up. Mortified over not teaching well enou

gh at school. Very afraid for daughter 3 who is in a bad

place again (proving?). Afraid of living basically. How can anyone go on when you can see how you might

fail? It all seems very terrible and inevitable. Body failing too. No safe place to rest. Jerki

ng awake. Going on

blindly, too terrible to contemplate. Not being accepted for who you are. Failing other people. It feels like

back when I was 23 and really struggling with teaching. P7 45/45.03.00 IOS

Trying to find a still grey centre. Teaching

-

tryi

ng to put out friendliness to avoid being thought of as

stand

-

off

-

ish. Hard work because of great fear of not coping and seeming childish. P7 52/X IOS

Mother is driving and I can't relax, I am quite fearful in the car and ask her several times to drive s

lower.

-

Finally through customs and on the plane, I can relax gain. Very tiring car journey (6 hours) from the

airport back home, but I can concentrate well and stay safe. P9 8/8:X NS

After the remedy was taken, we did some Meditation on the whole thing.

Upon closing my eyes I saw a

silhouette of a turtle and it stuck around for a little while. Shifting back and forth in my minds sight, until I

the image disappeared and I was left with a very rough and blurry image of what could have been a path

revolving

forward, straight ahead with not end. Eventually, a shiny black/greyish ribbed cylinder shaped

creature wriggled across, what seemed really close and detailed (a worm I guess but I never saw both ends)

it was think and was throbbing like a worm. I then ha

d a clear vision of butterfly wings and thought maybe

it was a caterpillar not a worm. The wings faded and then I saw shapes rather like an eye and check also

shifting back and forth similar to the turtle. As the image got clearer, it was clear to me to se

e this eye and

cheek but I cannot remember which side of the face it was. It was not a human eye and I guess it could

match that of the turtle before. Then I saw more worms like things and thought what would it feel like

being one of them? In that moment m

y special awareness kicked in giving me a sense of space and my

right eye started to sting a little in the tear duct next to the nose, it was a very short but sharp sensation. I

felt the throbbing feeling and flexibility. Even though I was not moving. P2 0

/0:18:14 NS

I got intensely tired and I didn't even want to talk I was so exhausted. I think either it was the pint or the

fact that I spent today with my girlfriend the whole day, which I am gradually getting used to my own

company again and this is an

exhausting experience! P2 12/12:22:00 AS

As a continuation of the dream state: I was left with an intense pulling sensation at the heart chakra. Like

an intense love connection. Too intense. Not entirely pleasant. Deeply sad. P8 3/0:04:00 IOS

Was affect

ed more quickly by my rape crisis work today. I would say I normally 'sit' with the information I

am given and process it quite slowly

-

usually over a few days, by which time I am ok with what I've heard.

Today it was more intense, upsetting and at one po

int horrifying. P8

6/X IOS

As I am joyful and very much in the moment, my ankle gives way, on a flat surface and sends me crashing

to the floor in agony. The pain is intense, I swear

-

magic broken in a second. I hear it go crunch. I have

weak ankles. I

have twisted my ankle many times. P3 3/3:20:00 OS

I have developed a real lack of tolerance to the mental space I inhabited before the proving began. I don't

want to talk about it, think about it or be anywhere near it. I want to escape from myself. I fe

el very angry

and volatile. I could snap or overreact at any moment. In several situations in the last few days I am

increasingly aware of tension and energy rise quickly within me and seek immediate release. I feel like I

could rage at any time. My feelin

g for those around me is that they'd better watch out or stand clear. I

struggle to rein myself in. P3 21/21:17:30 NS

I pick up a friend for the quiz night I haven't attended for a while because of work. I am looking forward to

seeing a woman again whom I

find quite interesting and would love to find friendship (or more). I am a

bit nervous and then she doesn't even say hello (which she does some times). I am so disappointed and

angry, wondering why I bothered to come in the first place. So many let me dow

n these days, I wonder

what is wrong with me. I feel not good enough. I donít seem to fit in; maybe I am too intense, maybe too

complicated. I tend to do so much for others but sometimes I feel it ́s not what they want, that I can ́t see

what is important to

them. It is just so disappointing not to be able to get it right. P9 26/26:X RS

Increased intensity of symptom. The 'throat clearing' cough has gone, but the pain is now

stinging/burning. Took rescue remedy it was almost gone by the morning. P8

36/22:15:00 RS

Toothpaste tasted really strong

-

itís calendula, so normally feels very mild. P7 20/20.22.30 NS

Drank water and it tasted strongly of chlorine

-

realised I'd noticed this over the past week. Not usual. P7

17/17.15.30 NS

Itchy

both palms

of my feet (just under the heel towards the middle of the foot) itch like crazy; it is difficult to

itch although that brings relief. It gets lighter after a while and I fall asleep only to wake up and feel the itch

more in the middle of the feet, more on

the right. P9 13/13:03:10 NS

I just noticed an itch under the breast line I had for the first time 3 1/2 years ago. That time it went on for

months and I had to scratch it until it bled. It returned around the proving of Mole last year and is now

back b

ut not so bad. I have to itch, it is a bit red, but not blistery, bleeding and weeping like it used to be.

P9 49/49:X OS

I have this intense itching again. It makes it impossible to study because to concentrate is such an effort. I

have to constantly itc

h my toes and heel because it is really really itch and when left alone for more than 1

minute pin prick like twinges are starting to ping all over the affected parts, and I get a nervy sort of pain all

over my muscles in my body begin to ache and twinge b

ecause it is really excrusciating not to itch or rub

them. I think I have to go home and try to alleviate this intense itching. It is awful!! It started about 13:00

pm yesterday and it is doing the same today. They look red/purpley, dry with greyish dry sk

in and it is

affecting the outsides of my feet and the 3 outside toes and possibly the 4th next to the big toe a little bit

on both feet. It is better for the application of ice on the affected area. I held it on for about 10 minutes

and it is now almost a

ll gone. The itch is similar to that of urtica uria that i used to get an intolerable itch,

unable to overcome its urge, once left for a little while the tingling becomes intense in the area but also

sends out isolated tingling sensations around my body. T

his makes my muscles tense in anguish and I fear

the return of the urtica urea. P2 42/18:13:47 RS

The itch has come back again but much less today than yesterday. I did try out the ice again and it worked.

P2 43/19:16:00 RS

The itchy toes have come back

again today but fair less than the day before. I am relieved but also fearful

that it shall return. P2 44/20:18:00 RS

The itchy toes have come back again. It is always at the same time of day. After lunch between 1pm and

3pm and sticks around for at leas

t most of the evening. It is not as bad as the first 2 or three times but it is

still there. It is always there with the itchy painful heel. P2 45/45:XX: XX RS

The toes are itching again. P2 46/46:XX: XX RS

The itch has come back again but again, it is

much less than before and I fell that it is getting much more

bearable, though the little toes are more red than they have been before. The itch on the heel it also

getting much better. P2 47/47:XX:XX RS

Throat itchy P8 2/X IOS

Ears

itchy P8 2/X OS

My eyes are very itchy at the moment. I want to scratch them but I know I shouldnít really. P9 47:X NS

The sore parts of the outside of my feet were itching as I got into bed and I felt the need to scratch them

with the opposing foot. P2 33/9:00:00 AS

Loss of boundaries/invasion

1st dream: I am supposed to get up at 5.15 but my parents only wake me up at 7 (supposed I didnít hear or

set my own alarm properly). No way I can get to the embassy now and also catch my flight. I am sooo

angry and hugely disap

pointed, feel let down!!! P9 3/3:X NS

I discover what the proving substance is. I am very angry. I feel like my life is ruined, something is lost for

good. I will never be the same again. P3 56/56:12:00 NS

I am feeling ashamed of the financial situatio

n I have been going through in the last couple of days. I have

run out of all of my savings; this is not a situation I have ever been in before because I have always been so

independent and on top of my money as to never be in debt. I have always added to

my savings and only

since I have started studying have I lost sight of the particular standard. This feels devastating to me and

how I have let myself slip. I do not want to rely on others because I feel like I have let myself down and that

I will lose my

independence which is what the whole thing boils down too because I have always been

dependent on nobody but myself since I was 14. It would tie me down in certain respects and I do not like

this loss of independence. I have lost sight of what I have in th

e last 2/3 years in regards to money and it

has come now to hit me in the face. Though I will ask the people closest to me, i.e. my girlfriend (is the

only one I would feel comfortable asking because I have lent her 2000 in the past of which 1000 has been

paid back) that is probably the only person I really feel I can ask. Maybe my best friend because I have lent

him 300 in the past but he has paid it back so I am less inclined to ask him as I feel he might need it in the

next month. Other than that I am go

ing to power through this and where I struggle I will offer favours and

if favours are not required I will find the money to further in the way I want to further myself. P2

25/25:XX:XX NS

Have felt very aware and noticing things, a panoramic sensitivity.

P6 16/16:22:00

I feel a sense of awareness and awakeness in my dream, that I am interacting with my dream characters, I

am eating food and a man comes and picks up the food from my plate, I stand back and watch, then say

NO, he turns without saying a wor

d and walks away. At hotel check in desk, the man on the desk brings

my attention to his uniform which has buttons missing and needs repair, he is complaining about this and

his boss, I would not of noticed his uniform if he had not of brought my attention

to it, he seems

unhappy, I say nothing but am surprised I hadn't noticed his uniform. P6 05/10:00:00

Before lunch: Someone bashed a chair in my back while I was sitting down; no idea how people can be so

unaware of others. Lunch: My space is being invade

d, not enough space to both sides. Bashed twice by a

lady (her handbag), same spot, middle of the upper back). Then someone barges into the room while I

was having a conversation and another one just comes into the room looking at what is written on our

bo

ard, I find all incidents rude and invasive. Again, my personal space being violated. Someone did

something similar at breakfast; I was having a conversation and she sat at the table just intruding into the

conversation in far too loud a voice.

Ė

I am very

touchy: Can ́t bear listening to violence, thinking of

violence, supersensitive to anything violent; again, as if there was no "filter" to stop emotions like this

from going straight to the core of my feelings and hurt me. P9

2/2:X RS

Again, I dream of p

eople not liking me as I am, laughing behind my back, thinking I take things too

seriously (we are in class and there is a video to watch but time is running out, so I suggest it can be

watched in the break, whoever wants to). They almost tear me apart wit

h their sneering remarks. I feel

awful, not belonging, too intense. P9 34/34:X NS

I felt really upset because my best friend who had promised me that he was going to be with me this

weekend got drunk and stayed in London, forgetting his train. I felt a l

ittle betrayed because I always tried

so hard to go see him and make the most of our relationship and in recent years he has been less and less

there and not very close. I couldn't understand why he bailed on me. P2 23/23:XX: XX NS

Left knee playing up a

gain, similar to above (as if it would buckle or give in unreliable). P9 14/14:X RS

My sister phoned and wanted to talk about her reaction to my brother

-

this is very unusual. It is as if a

channel has opened between us since the proving started. At the

same time, I feel as if I have moved on

and that she wants to hang on to a relationship, which has changed. But I feel that as long as I don't shut

her out, I can be a facilitator (not any sort of charitable or patronising sense) for her moving on in her l

ife

where she is stuck at the moment caring for our mother. P7 41/41.12.00 NS

Coming back from the walk, an owl flew out through the passage way between our house and next

-

door

-

about head height, towards me and away. A blackbird giving voice chased it.

Unusual to see an owl

amongst houses. It seemed very close and real. Not frightening. P7 33/33.16.30 NS

I walk side by side with another. Every few steps we take we cross into a different dimension with a

different feel and atmosphere. It feels like pus

hing through an invisible membrane/barrier and emerging

into a new space. I am using this technique to get away from something that is following me. There is an

indescribable sense of the whole world/environment/atmosphere changing completely each

time...tra

nsformation. P3 17/XX NS

A murder took place in a town many years ago. The body of a woman was dumped in an alleyway. A man

who bore witness decides to come forward and tell the truth to the police but he is frightened. The police

interview him in the roo

m where the woman was murdered. He is all ready to tell the truth of what he saw

but is overcome with fear and can only recite parrot

-

fashion, the limited statement he gave many years

before. The police are very disappointed and the man is full of shame. P

3 19/XX NS

The second blow is personal: although I enjoyed the evening with my special friend (dinner and video), I

am disappointed it didnít go the way it could have. My expectations were so high because the invite was

so unexpected. The higher my

expectations the harder the blow. P9 14/7:20:00 NS

I work in a busy place (bookshop?). Everyone is gone apart from s.o.else and me. We have to deal with lots

of emergencies; don ́t want to do the wrong thing with 2 cuts in fingers on s.o. People start moa

ning, and

then I find the manager and 3 employees hiding behind a door, laughing at me. I am quite cross but don ́t

let it out fully. They think its funny and almost accuse me of being too accommodating. I wanted to help

and feel disappointed and let down b

y my colleagues. P9 17/17:X NS

I woke up with this slightly drunk feeling, similar to when I had Candida about 5

-

6 months ago. Also my

girlfriend was in the bed for the first time in weeks; this was then a horrible feeling because the last time I

got tho

se symptoms I was also with my girlfriend in the bed and I always have to climb over her with this

hangover drunken feeling, despite the fact of not drinking anything the night before. I speculated that it

could have been the 3 teas I had before I picked u

p my girlfriend or the 5/7 biscuits I demolished during

drinking those teas. It could have also been the fact that I got drenched running through the rain when I

went to pick up my girlfriend and this then in sighted some sort of weakness for the Candida t

oxin

symptoms to come back. I was not a good feeling. P2 12/12:07:00 OS

After our 3 hour walk to Cawsand, we had a pint and I felt the effects after 1/2 a pint and which is why I put

it under AS I do not usually get effected so fast normally. P2 12/12:16:

00 AS

Still have difficulties with crowds, it has to be the right people than I am ok. Feel very

critical/judging/opinionated with people, very easily annoyed. Strong likes and dislikes. P9 28/28:X RS

I dream again have the water city. From the outside i

t had great arching bridges, like mouths, that gave

entry into the dark and unknown interior. It seemed forbidding, dangerous. I went inside and climbed a

wall before I was betrayed in a business deal and had to turn and run for my life. P3 15/XX NS

My s

on has invented a new imaginary game that he is playing with his sister. He tells me that they are the

only two left of a species. They are 'cute little animals'. They have a Ďbaseí, which is a house that looks

spooky on the outside but is fun and bigger o

n the inside. I ask him what happens in the game and he says

'we are huntedí. P3 9/0:09:00 NS

I settled the dog as usual to go to yoga. As I set off on my bike, I heard him begin to yelp and just begin to

howl. This is unusual

-

something he did as a pup,

but not for years (he is 6). I had to go back

-

it was

almost physical, as if there was an invisible membrane, which I couldn't pass. There was a strong pull back

to the house. I sat on the doorstep and cried for perhaps 10 minutes. Then was happy to stay

at home. I do

normally react to the dog but can walk away at need

-

this was a strong pull. P7 4/04.09.00 IOS

Strange event: my son's fiancťe's mother (S) phoned to say she had just had an intruder. Some one had

managed to open the front door. S. Called

out and the door was shut again, the person ran off. S. Was on

her own in the house, so after dealing with the police, she came and stayed over with us in my son's room.

We had a very full house (one daughter not here). S. Remarked that the house was like

a tardis i.e.

accommodating lots more people than it appeared it could. I

t occurred to me that it feels v

ery porous to

me, people mainly family, coming and going, staying and leaving and it's ok for me if I go with the flow,

let people come and go, mainta

in my own level. It feels good to have an open house. Previously I would

get very anxious about how people would perceive 'my house', that they would not want to visit. P7

15/15.00.00 NS

Someone comes into the room and sits down

-

he is not from a homeop

athy group. I feel slightly irritated

or distracted by his presence, want him to go. This feeling of intrusion and imposition, as a simple and

blunt instinct, repeats days 1, 2. P1 1/1:08:20 NS

Again the feeling of disliking intruders into the group, the

n I feel a bit homesick, want to go home

Ė

comfort, safety. P1 2/2:09:40 NS

On way back from park several people either trying to engage me in conversation or passing arguments

interrupt me. Reminds me of the feeling of invasion as on first couple of days

. P1 7/7:15:00 NS

House party, across the street somehow we become invaded as a stop

-

off for the main party who we do

not know... Everyone happy. I see a man through the window, looking through his house window and we

wave at each other happily. It feels ev

eryone is together. Someone has left some bits of a car outside on

the road, slices of a car as though sliced through a mini with a laser beam. Girl brings in self

-

inflating

balloon that blows up and up and doesn't stop. I can hear the noise, air inflating

. P6 1/1:04:00

On way to a seminar, feeling unusually stressed by running late, lacking trust in things working out. This

loss of trust is a constant low

-

grade feeling throughout proving and specifically repeats days 16, 39. P1

14/14:08:00 NS

Repeat of

running late and feeling more stressed/ less trusting than I usually would. Holding on to it rather

than relaxing. P1 16/16:08:00 NS

Negotiating some work and again notice the less trust in things working out. Have to make an effort to

feel what is usual

ly normal for me. P1 39/15:21:00 NS

Still dreams about being let down, but, canít remember any. P9 36/36:X RS

Feel less constrained, freer of movement generally. P7 4/X OS

2nd dream: I move into the ďperfect flatĒ, very spacey without feeling too big

, easy to maintain, clean,

good colours (blues). In the past I was being followed or arrested (?) but I feel safe now. I forget to lock the

door and when I get back a guy is in my kitchen for interrogation or in order to lock me away (?).

Ė

Wake

up feeling

very weird. P9 3/3:X NS

During the ďmeditationĒ: First annoyed about noises in the room (phone, people chatting) then quite

calm. Calmness: Noises didnít matter until they get very loud. Sadness at the start of telling about

experience after the taking

of the substance. Later: I can ́t bear listening to people talking about the

badger cull etc., it is almost painful, the pain goes straight in me, there is no "barrier" stopping it from

entering my heart. P9 0/0:18:30 NS

Someone who I believed was being 'o

ff' with me for several months is now being very friendly. Was I just

being paranoid? I thought she had a problem with me but it looks like I was wrong. I told someone about

this and my suspicion is that someone has said something to her and that's why she

changed. P3

1/1:09:30 NS

Two people have paid me compliments today both of which made my face flush and my heart pound hard

in my chest. I really struggle to work out whether I am being made fun of or whether the sentiment is

genuine. Paranoid about wha

t they mean. P3 1/1:10:00 NS

Someone makes a comment about something I did. Again I find it impossible to tell what his meaning is. I

ask him twice 'are you taking the piss?í He just looks at me with an expression that I really struggle to read

I am none

the wiser and paranoid again. P3 1/1:22:00 NS

I still look over shoulder as I donít want anyone too near. It is almost as if I feared someone might attack

me from behind. P9 15/15:13:20 RS

I still have to turn round occasionally as I have the feeling the

re are people behind me. I am relieved not to

find anyone too close to me, but I will have to look again if I think there is s.o. P9 24/24:X RS

After breakfast: vvv annoyed with people, can only tolerate people I like, certain people who are thinking

or

feeling like me. I need space for myself: To explain this I quote Wikipedia, I can ́t express it like that:

Personal space is the region surrounding a person which they regard as psychologically theirs. Most people

value their personal space and feel discom

fort, anger, or anxiety when their personal space is encroached.

Permitting a person to enter personal space and entering somebody else's personal space are indicators of

perception of the relationship between people.

-

It feels as if my personal space is

invaded not physically

but through sounds, feelings/emotions or smells. P9 1/1:09:00 AS

Cannot bear the idea of big crowds, so it is pub for just 4 of us. As soon as more people turn up in the pub

I feel I have to leave. Couldnít have coped with a full li

brary and couldn ́t cope when the pub got fuller.

One person ́s perfume is almost suffocating. I feel as if all this is penetrating my personal space. P9

1/1:19:10 AS

I am very productive (have been for the last 3 days, working away on P&D). Take an ex

-

ne

ighbour

í

s dog

out. Last time I went there by car (see above), but this time I take the bike and walk for an hour. When the

dog jumps over a stream (which she refused last time as she has fear of water) I am so happy as I feel she

trusts me. What a differen

ce to humans, the trust is real.

-

When I talk to my supervisor about this it makes

me cry because I feel I can understand and trust dogs more than humans. So often I feel let down and

disappointed by humans. They can disguise the words they mean by fake s

miles and lies. If a dog is happy

to see you they are not faking. P9 37/37:X RS

After a good day of productiveness and leisure I meet up for a swim with 2 friends. They are late and when

they arrive I notice they met somewhere to walk down together.

Before that I wasn ́t even aware they are

friends. After the swim I feel really sad and weepy as others are building friendships and I am left out. I

know I can offer so much, what do I do wrong? I am very touchy and vulnerable and don ́t want to speak

to my

supervisor for fear of having to talk about something painful and knowing I canít take anything

more today. P9 32/32:X NS

3 dreams, first two with familiar themes. One about some old cats of mine who I dream of every now and

then. Yet another relationsh

ip dream, where I am feeling resentful and wanting to get away. Finally about

receiving a homeopathy prescription but not trusting the practitioner and resolving to go to another

practitioner

-

again no emotions in this. P1 25/1:06:45 RS

Feel shaky and fr

agile. If anything happens, I'll not cope or will fall apart. Its ok if I donít need to take

anything on. P7 21/21.09.15 OS

Burnt tongue and palate on a sip of hot water

-

shocking, stinging sensation. Initially felt attacked, on the

point of tears. Then

found a still place and let it be. P7 23/23.11.30 NS

Very aware of space and boundaries, where these boundaries meet interact and rub, very positive in a

grounded way. It's like a shift in perspective. Seeing with imagination, dream and reality blended.

P6

9/9:18:00

Today I feel a bit spaced out and my limbs have been feeling very odd. They are feeling loose and they do

not want to work how I would like them to but that just being the feeling, when it comes to doing a task I

can carry it out no problem

s. It is sort of an odd feeling of lameness but controllable. Quite pleasant if I

were to be honest. P2 2/2:14:00 NS

Pathways are being cleared revealed. Pathways are opening as though grass moved aside, feeling

supported. Easy to let things be as they a

re. P6 0/0:18:20

I find myself suspended in a completely different existence. It is a world/life/reality, which I cannot

comprehend. The feeling is difficult to describe, it is like I have the senses and processing capacity for my

world/life/reality and t

his is so very different (and somehow larger) than I can cope with. The feeling is that

I need to change; I need a new system of comprehension to even begin to grasp the nature of the vast and

utterly strange place I find myself in. I need a bigger, differ

ent brain, as this place exists on an entirely

different and bigger scale. When talking to my supervisor I describe it as being a fly that suddenly finds

himself a man. The scale and the reality are totally different, even time is different. A paradigm shi

ft. P3

52/XX NS

Dream: I meet a good friend and tell her excitedly that I have worked out how to get between two

locations by not going on roads. It is like teleporting or moving in an instant from A to B. P3

4/XX NS

I dream I am endlessly transforming.

This is a very powerful dream. I cannot say what it is that I am

transforming into, as the change is fluid and continuous. I roll round and round endlessly in flux. P3 32/XX

NS

Over the last few days I have been really noticing people, and women in part

icular, in moments of great††

closeness, fun and joy.Two youngsters laugh and play with their arms about each other. Two pensioners

walking down the street clinging onto each other because they are laughing so much... and many more

examples.I take grea

t pleasure in watching these moments of unguarded closeness in strangers about

me. It's the playfulness and friendship in a shared moment. P3 10/10:12:35 NS

Dream about investigating reports of presences in a house, which slightly spooks me in the dream.

The††

house in the dream seems very familiar and I feel I have dreamed of it before. P1 31/7:07:00 NS

Soon the first of many traffic jams, despair, panic, sweating. Finally at the train station and miss the train

by ONE minute. Try not to panic too much

. My appt at the embassy is at 10 and I know I will never

manage to get there on time but I still go, hoping they will accept me even if I am late. I came this far I

can ́t not try. Very nice people EVERYWHERE!!! The train is almost 10 pounds less than expe

cted. I am late

for the embassy (and now can afford a cab) but they are helpful and I get my ticket (127 and 126 is already

at the counter)!!! 20 mins later all done! No problems, the passport is on its way. When will I ever learn to

TRUST!!! There are so

many

signs everywhere!!! P9 3/3:X NS

Nausea

Nausea on and off but not vertigo. P1 5/5:09:10 OS

I feel nausea on waking. It is strong but fleeting. I feel nausea again an hour later after I have eaten. P3

16/16:06:50 NS

The nausea and running saliva

have joined forces. The nausea is more persistent and lingering. P3

16/16:10:20 NS

Obliteration/violence/anger

The moon shines on a cloud that looks like an atom bomb has gone off, but I think it is beautiful, I am

excited. It is a beautiful pattern and

not threatening, as an explosion would be. It has a bit of

"synchronicity" as we talked about atom bombs etc earlier and here it is, in the sky, but not threatening.

Exciting! P9 29/29:X NS

I've reflected on the energy of this proving tonight, before th

e 'big reveal' tomorrow and, for me, the

energy started as titillation, a frisson of excitement a giddy pleasure in my solar plexus. It was something I

could play with, experiment with. It was intially under my control. As I have gone on the giddiness has

stopped as the energy has grown out of all proportion to anything I can either comprehend or cope with

(really the scale of 1 to 5 to measure intensity in this proving is nowhere near enough). I'm not laughing

now. I could kill myself. I'm bitter and angry

. If I had an image it would be of a 'friend' who begins spinning

you on a merry go round. You get on willingly, it's a joint enterprise you know that you are going to ride

and your friend is going to push. Your friend starts pushing and there is initially

pleasure and a thrill in the

speed. Your friend continues to spin faster and faster and faster until you begin to panic. You can't take it.

You scream and beg your friend to stop but your friend is not your friend. She will not stop ever and you

are done

for. Faster faster, bigger bigger, more and more until you are nothing, you know nothing. P3

55/55:22:30 NS

On a walk, see some people and donít want to talk or interact again. Wonders what I am feeling

-

angry?

Then a subtle wave of sadness. A bit like

a wild bird or animal that is in a cage and knows it, can remember

well what being free is like. I feel I could fight, or want to push against people. This feeling of being more

than usual prepared to fight, more annoyed than usual yet simultaneously emoti

onally detached, repeats

days 3, 4, 6, 29, 54. I still want to be high in the treetops looking out

-

a vantage point and distance. P1

2/2:08:30 NS

This evening I felt extremely angry and impatient with my children. My exasperation clearly showed on

their

little faces so then I felt guilty. Felt as if I couldn't control my anger at all. P5 28/18:30:00 RS

Daughter 3 told me of a shocking experience she had on the Wed. just before this proving started: she had

a major panic which happens when she gets over

loaded, and she cut herself across the tummy. This is

something she hasn't done since her ME was bad, perhaps 6 years ago. I didn't know about this until

today. It shocked me, being so like my other daughter's dream of being cut across the same area. P7 7/

X

NS

The kids destroyed my dreams this morning as I was woken to the sound of them killing each other

upstairs. P3 20/20:06:00 NS

6 am I hit the M4 and see all these lights, all heading in the same direction. It is the red lights that are all I

see. The

y are far too many. Lorries supplying for far too many humans. I feel so sad and start to cry. I am

sad, as I am painfully aware that humans are destroying the planet like locusts, invading big cities from

outside just to earn money to spend on things that

cause further damage. P9 3/4:06:00 NS

I thought I was shot of this proving and not before time. But no. I feel like this proving has ruined my life. I

feel like I've ruined everything. I feel like I've got to a point I cannot come back from. There's nowh

ere in

me that I want to be. I donít want to be me now. I don't want to be me before the proving, that was pretty

shit too. What's the point, in me? I was driving home yesterday and all I could think of was what's the

point of me? I'm small, useless insign

ificant, ineffective, a shadow. What do I even do? I could just as easily

wink out of existence as go on. Whilst I was driving with my son in the back seat, all I could think of over

and over and over again was how easy it would be to just drive myself off

the road. How easy it would be

to smash myself into a barrier, another car, anything. I mean, Iím nothing and there's very little indeed

that separates me from non

-

existence. I could vanish and barely leave a ripple. P3 55/55:20:00 NS

I go immediately t

o collect my bags and inside 2 minutes I am driving away quickly in my car. I weep as I

drive but this is not enough to expel the tension and force of feeling that has built up inside my chest. I

feel completely engulfed by the strength of the emotion and

begin to howl/roar as well as cry. If I could

mark the intensity of this feeling beyond a mere '5' I would. Raw energy and feeling seems to explode out

of me. It is difficult to describe whether it is rage or grief and what or to whom it is directed. It is

truly

agony. Very raw. P3 29:14:05 NS

Found myself fascinated by the tendons on the back of my left hand while working at my desk. Making a

fist and watching the play of knuckles, tendons and skin. The knuckles and tendons looked big and

powerful

-

I fel

t quite frightened by the potential power and violence. P7 33/33.11.00 NS

Furious anger and impatience at my children again, although this evening it was even worse as I reduced

them both to tears. Couldn't wait to get them to bed, as I felt so exasperate

d. P5

29/18:45:00 RS

I wake and look forward to going to college and getting the proving over and done with at last. I feel ok in

myself as I set off but very quickly become agitated and distressed. I begin weeping and then I start to howl

with anguish u

ntil I am forced to pull over. I text my supervisor feeling desperate for help. I tell her that I

feel like I cannot physically get to Hawkwood. It's like Hawkwood is ground zero, the locus of all my pain

and suffering and every fibre of my being wants to

turn around and go home. However, I recognise that I

need help and that help lies at college. I continue to drive in short bursts. I strop regularly, each time the

anguish overwhelms me or the desire to drive my car off the road becomes too intense. I thin

k I am going

to die and that maybe I should just kill myself and get it over with. P3 56/56:08:00 NS

My children are winding each other up. As I listen from another room I feel increasing tension building in

my solar plexus. There is huge tension and a

feeling of huge energy building up. At some point I lose it, I

rush into the room and shout at both children. There's a feeling of energy release and an instant release of

tension followed by remorse because I can see how shocked my children are. P3 20/20:

11:15 NS

General feeling of incapacity

-

feel unwilling and unable to tackle anything. The thought of teaching or

taking cases or putting my own thoughts into essays feels very daunting and fairly horrific. Hope the

mood doesn't last. However I have noti

ced that I have been more able to step back from the headache and

take a slightly more objective view than usual

-

ok its pretty bad, makes me want to curl up and cry or just

stop being, but in fact it might, just might! End and I'll feel ok about things a

gain. More able to do the

sensible things

-

go for a walk, drink water etc. P7 20/X OS

Dreamt of eating the steak meal from last night and not being able to talk. The feeling intensified into

shouting

-

not clear if I was shouting out loud or internally.

P7 23/X OS

Ground zero

-

someone jests. P4 0/0:00:01

I am in the crowd at a sporting event. My extended family is dotted through the crowd. All seems normal

until my cousin tells me her dad killed he just three days ago (how come she is here and seems s

o calm?)

He knew he was going to die from an illness and decided to take his own life by swallowing an overdose.

P3 24/XX NS

I am done with this. I am in a very dark low and defeated state. I am wailing, raging, suicidal. If I stay with

this proving any

longer, I feel like I will be utterly defeated, destroyed. It is much stronger than I am. I have

got to get out. I need rescuing, saving, pulling out of this huge hole. I am completely overwhelmed. I sit

bent double with my arms desperately pulling my coat

tight across my chest/solar plexus. All the feeling is

in here. I'm not sure whether by doing this I am holding myself in or trying to protect myself. It is really

hard to find the words for the truly awesome misery and anguish trying to blast its way out

of my chest. I

feel completely undone and very very small and insignificant. The scale of this feeling is vast, like a great

atomic explosion. P3 36/12:10:00 NS

I notice that since the proving began I have had a much lower tolerance to things not going

my way in

family life. I am short tempered with my children and I shout more. I have been swearing much more at

what seems like hundreds of daily frustrations that come my way. P3 15/15:15:30 NS

Dream (after TV programme with similar themes): I was involv

ed in a fight with a killer's assistant. There

was a gun, but it was mainly a hand

-

to

-

hand struggle. She let me go, was on my side, but the killer was

lurking up above in the rafters of the shed

-

like building. I felt very unsure if I would survive or get k

illed. P7

27/27.03.30 NS

With this dream, the feeling is that I do not have the capacity for this horror. It is something much bigger††

than I am, bigger than I have the capacity to comprehend or cope with. It will engulf and obliterate me. P3

46/46:11:00

NS

I pull over (by the side of the road) and gather myself. When I am slightly calmer I go to pull out of the

layby. As I look in my mirror I see a large lorry coming towards me quickly. My immediate thought is to

pull out in front of it and allow it to

obliterate or annihilate me. P3

29:14.30 NS

At lunch I cannot eat or speak. The tension inside me is becoming stronger. Over lunch I think idly about

how it would be better/easier if I were dead. I plan how to escape Hawkwood. P3 29/29:13:30 NS

Back to

old dream pattern of before proving started

-

walking along a precarious and deep drop. First in a

wood, then inside a cafť type area. Both times my husband was there, but both times I had the strong

feeling I had to manage on my own and that the result wo

uld be dire if

I fell. Foreboding. P7 37/X OS

Having already raged once at my children, today we go on a car journey. At one point my son starts

winding up his sister. I instantly snap at him and shout, feeling furious. I feel lots of tension in the car

a

fterwards and find it almost intolerable. I have a strong desire to pull over and run across the verge and

into the woods. (Doing this would break the tension). P3 20/20:13:00 NS

I raged at my daughter over her piano practice. I really lost it. I felt she

needed to be moving/responding††

faster. There is a mounting anxiety in confrontation, which stems from my solar plexus. It is so

uncomfortable to sit with and anger seems the best way to release the pressure. (At the time). I feel very

guilty afterwards.

P3 32/32:19:00 NS

Strong dream about being on a boat/ ferry with 1000s of people. It is on fire and going down and seems††

we're all going to die. I find a room to sit in and notice some people are being rescued from the other end

of boat. I process my f

orthcoming death, want to live and am sad. Then feel what is left is to be ok with

dying, to completely surrender to what is happening, this brings peace. Then I leave the room and

somehow slip into the queue of people being rescued. I'm saved and later it

seems that everyone was

though the boat burned out. P1 29/5:07:00 NS

I am near a busy harbour. There is a P & O ferry that reminds me of one in my dreams in the North (where

I leave for a journey into the unknown). Suddenly a submarine shaped boat

shoots straight through the

hull of a big passenger ferry. It doesn ́t sink but there is much screaming and chaos. I wake up confused as

it will be the day of the news that got the job and I keep on dreaming about catastrophes with the

company ́s boat or pla

nes. P9 20/20:X NS

I have my palms read and first I think it says that I will have the longest relationship of my life ahead of me

with the person I have such deep feelings for at the moment, but then the guy says it means the

relationship with myself as

it is at the moment will be the longest I have ever had. I get sooooooooooo

angry, shout and swear, also close to crying out of anger. P9 13/13:X NS

I have been really frustrated today and quick to anger. I feel like I have been simmering with this frust

ration

and that people have noticed me trying to keep my children's behaviour on track

-

and failing. My son has

been very argumentative and has been fighting with his sister more than usual. Everyone seems angry. P3

19/19:20:00 NS

Smashed glass in broke

n picture

-

A

. P4

Meditation

-

flying again, soaring and dive

-

bombing down very fast (as on day 0), I wonder what it is like

to see a small mammal etc as dinner. I feel the total non

-

emotionality of it, no desire, no aggression, and

no remorse just pure

instinct. Seeing the flesh ripping open and feeling nothing. Not at all unpleasant to

feel this. P1 2/2:10:00 NS

Experienced the storm on Brighton seafront. Mesmerised by the power of the water. Watched the sea

from hotel window throughout the night. It

reminded me of two dreams I've had in the past year of a wild

stormy sea at Brighton. Not sure what to make of this remembering. Filled with sadness. P8 17/X

I exploded. My girlfriend and I were out on Dartmoor hiking around and we were having a grea

t time

together until my girlfriend accentuated a tiny little problem and would not let go of it and just enjoy

herself again. I had told her the path was different to how it was on the map and it was an honest mistake

that I admitted and she picked up the

issue as a communication problem. I thought this was fairly minor

as we were out in Dartmoor and there to enjoy ourselves and the issue with the map did not change

anything drastically. However my girlfriend did not drop the point for the next half hour a

nd I flipped. I

ended up saying 'this is not how I intended to spend my time with you out here and I am going back! You

can follow me if you like!' I stormed off and did not look back. This is not like me! I am so caring and

pleasant to everyone and I cann

ot usually do that type of thing, I had to concentrate so hard not to look

back and my thoughts were always thinking I hope she is following me because she has no idea where she

is. I did end up looking behind eventually and she had disappeared. My thought

s were that she had hitched

hiked or I do not know what else and I ended up just staring behind me where I thought she would have

been for the next 10 min. she then popped out from behind a mound and I was happy but still really

upset! I thought I should k

eep on walking but something held me still until she caught up with me. Then

the whole thing blow up again and it was not fun (I really could not argue before I had met my girlfriend

but 3 years has taught me some horrible taints, and now I am really good

at it unfortunately). I guess I just

wanted to show her how good we have it together in the whole picture and when she concentrates on

those tiny little problems and doesn't let go, making it the biggest problem ever I feel like what we have

together is ta

ken for granted and that we cannot even see past it to be able to experience the best of each

other within the environments and situations that we both love. I felt so bad about what I had done to her

and I did not know I was capable of that but it also fe

lt necessary in a weird way. P2 21/21:XX: XX NS

What strange and peculiar torment is awaiting me with this proving? I was thinking, that it's ok I'm going

to get through this proving ok. I'm going to get to the other side. It's not going to be some hideou

s life

-

changing thing and you never get over it. Some of the conversations that were going around

-

I were

thinking, that doesn't sound so great. P3 11/11:10:00 NS

Daughter 2 had a dream and remembered it half way through the day. She does not remember h

er

dreams. It was about everyday stuff and people. It struck me because this seems the exact opposite of

when I could not remember my dreams over the weekend. P7 8/X NS

Was struck by the car number plate in front on the way to school

-

32 JAG. Like the li

ghtning in the dream.

P7 12/12.09.00 NS

Dream: I dream I am at a superhero academy. I have been training to be a great warrior or hero. I am about

to graduate and we are planning a party. There are only four of us graduating as the others have all fallen

by the wayside. There are two frames to the dream. In the first I am at college, in the second I am in a

mystical land facing a nameless evil that is greater than I am. In this place there is great danger. There is

betrayal and trickery. I am trying to ma

ke discoveries, find things out

-

superhero stuff

-

but I find myself

hiding behind things and feeling wary. I am being hunted. My fellow superheroes are moving in loose

formation across a great plain. As I watch I see them struck down and fall to the grou

nd. I do not see what

strikes them. P3 13/XX NS

I talk about my dream of driving into on

-

coming traffic then what happened in real life, turning the wrong

way down a one

-

way street. And then the suicidal, self

-

destructive impulse I felt on my drive home

-

the

impulse to pull out into the path of an oncoming lorry. P3 32/32:20:00 NS

3 children are growing up feral without parents. They are bringing themselves up. They are scruffy and

neglected. They are doing really bad stuff. My sense is that it is murde

r or violence with blood. I'm very

wary of them but also wonder how, at their age, they can be considered culpable. I feel sympathy for their

plight but also very wary in their presence as they are menacing. When I look at them they are standing

very close

ly together, their shoulders touching. One of them is the leader because he is the tallest. P3 1/XX

NS

Woke screaming, felt something was in the room with me, dark threatening energy. P8 4/0:10:00 RS

Because of the threatening storm (St. Jude, patron

saint of hopeless despair and lost causes) trains were

cancelled and my daughter was at home today. I was pleased for her because she is really tired, but felt

really cheated of the day I had planned for myself. P7 17/17.07.00 RS

There is too much power

in this proving. It is too hot to handle. I cannot sit with it. I have to keep

'discharging' the energy. Itís not a positive or helpful energy. It is too raw and unstable for that. It is

centred on the solar plexus where the feeling is of increasing agitat

ion. A number '5' for intensity is

nowhere near adequate to describe the increasing intensity of my experiences. P3 32/32:19:00

A man and a woman have a kingdom to protect at the heart of which towers a giant tree. The two are

twins. The man is an obvious

king with all the leadership, clothing and bearing of the rank. Everyone

knows the kingdom is going to be attacked tomorrow. The woman is no less powerful and important than

her brother but she is somehow secret and hidden. She bears no regalia or insigni

a and is not known to

the people as her brother is. The king climbs a ladder of knives up the huge central tree to survey its

defence, which is rather like a crown of thorns or barbed wire encircling the whole canopy. This is meant to

prevent attack. The g

irl is put to bed on the eve of the attack. She must rest and be ready to leap into

action the second the attack comes. She will play the decisive role, not her brother. She has special clothes

to wear for the battle but the trousers are wet and will not b

e dry by morning. This seems to be a big

problem. There is huge tension in the city as it simply waits to be attacked. It makes me feel very edgy and

impatient to be so still. As the girl lies down in bed the tension becomes unbearable. P3 23/XX NS

Dream:

I dream that my son has started at secondary school. The first thing they do at this school is

immunising all the children all over again. I spend the entire dream arguing with teachers and lying to

them to try to prevent this from happening. I'm trying t

o protect my son but the teachers seem like a

united force against me, which is stronger and inescapable. P3 14/XX NS

My husband tells me I have been unusually aggressive with him during the proving. P3 14/14:17:00 NS

I am on board a big airplane and we

are just starting. This is my favourite moment of any flight, so I am excited. It doesnít feel right. We are gaining altitude but not enough. The captain tried to go down a bit

and tries to start again from this point but we all feel it won ́t work. 2 rescue planes with ropes that look like lassos come to either side of us and try to help us. I wake up and feel weird. It was very frightening and

had an air of complete and utter inevitability. There is nothing I can DO! P9 23/23:X NS

I put on a dress with

a big colorful spiral on the front. I haven't worn it in years. I love the pattern and it is

very similar to my daughters 'black hole' drawing that she made yesterday. P3 8/8:08:00 NS

I have been more volatile lately. I have shouted (when the children wer

e arguing). I feel the tension rising

 

 

S.o pulling their hair out because they canít put up with a certain situation. Blurred dream, can ́t catch it. It leaves me quite sad.

Strange dream about zombies. Pretty funny, didn't seem real, not sure what that was about, haven't been watching zombie movies, though I think they are cool. In the dream, I was watching a heart come back

to life in my hands. Dead looking people were after me, but it wasn't panicky it was more amusing, they weren't dangerous.

Last few days have been bogged down in emotion. A revisiting of old (adolescent?) emotions. Scary to

leave that place that I am familiar with even though itís painful. Better for a task, and taking the task on as

my own, owning it. Better for watching a squirrel in the tree in the sunshine. Recognise a slowly growing

ability in myself to keep f

rom inflicting my 'stuff' on others at the same time as not shutting in on myself.

The last few days feel like a relearning process. P7 23/X AS

Still typing words reversing the middle two letters e.g. just. This was happening in the week before the

provin

g when studying Lac

-

c e.g. milk. P7 5/05.18.00 NS

I realise that over the past week I have not been taking on other people's moods etc., or only fleetingly. I

am much more balanced. When I find myself tired/excited or drink tea or eat sugar, I do not over

do it and

can centre myself. P7 7/X AS

Dream: I am sitting in a circle in class. There is a baby that is getting passed around for comfort and

mothering. We share the task. It's my turn. The teacher passes me the baby and tells me to get it to sleep.

But

I think 'no' the baby is hungry and needs feeding. I cannot breastfeed it

-

it's not my baby. I look

around and can only see the cold remnant of a bottle of milk lying next to me. I am reluctant to give the

baby cold milk from a bottle. As it's the only th

ing I've got I put the bottle in the baby's mouth. The baby

sucks at the teat like a lamb sucks at a bottle

-

ferociously

-

before going to sleep. P3 8/XX NS

Sensation of the familiar seeming strange. Driving down a well

-

known road but feeling that I don'

t know

where I am. Confusing, detached feeling. Like I'm looking at the world from inside something. This has

happened twice in the last week. (See day 33). P8 2/X NS

Dream: continued ... There is confusion about the time of the appointment, and I am lost

, I don't seem to

know where it is, or where to go. I come across my cousin, who is a doctor. The appointment is with his

wife, who is also a doctor. I think I'll ask him for directions. He is on a phone call, listening to music on

headphones and reading a

letter. He is plugged in. I cannot get his attention. To get his attention, because

I'm in a hurry, I leap onto his desk from behind

-

startling him. I leap again, back onto the floor in front of

him. He is annoyed and insists on making me wait while he f

inishes his task before responding. P3 8/XX

NS

Very cracky neck and shoulders while sitting working at desk. Loudly cracking bones and the feeling that

they are moving and misplaced. P7 17/17.10.00 OS

Mum wakes me up from a very deep sleep. It takes me f

ar too long to really wake up and comprehend

what is going on around me. Don't get sense and connection of words; don't understand what she is

saying. My friend joins us; we have a good time together. P9 5/5:08:00 RS

When I arrive at college I go into th

e classroom and sit way at the back of the room, physically as far away

from everyone else as I possibly can. I dread the tea break when people will turn around, see me and talk to

me. I will lose it. P3 56/56:10:00 NS

Other symptoms (esp. emotional), on

the contrary, I feel very positive, even resisting to have an argument

with a friend that always pushes my buttons. We have known each other for 5 or so years and are quite

close. It often seems that people who are close use each other to let off negative

emotions. Sometimes I

just feel beaten by her; there is a physical hurt although it is emotional. I don't understand why humans

have to treat each other like this. P9 43/43:X RS

At seminar someone reads a poem about trees, a favourite topic of mine. I not

ice the urge to reconnect,

missing feeling touched by life since the proving. This feeling of missing feeling touched is constant

throughout proving. P1 16/16:09:30 NS

I had a dream again. This was an odd one. I woke up trying to recall and I did feel lik

e I quite grasp the

imagery of the dream and so I did not put it in but when I explained it to my support I found that I could

describe it very well. It goes a little something like this. I was in a room; looks kind of like an office and my

plants I keep a

re there. I know however, I am waiting for a pending race and that I am involved in it. It is

about to start any moment but I need to water my plants quickly. As I do I go ahead and water them and I

then I knock one of them to the floor. A rather big one o

ut of the lot so I tidy it up and then when I put it

back on the shelf I recognise an old plant of mine that died in the hands of my mother a few months ago

but it was triple the growth it was before and I was pleasantly surprised. I then sprinted of witho

ut tidying

up the water on the floor. I get to the racetrack, which is a professional ring track with rally cars involved.

The race had started but that was fine for me, I was in it for the fun and I did not mind seeing how well I

do. Thatís it! The feelin

g of knocking my plant over was not terrible either. It was a sense of 'oh dear, come

on lets get to it.' Hardly a moment to ponder and realise how the plant is, I could feel that the plant was

okay I guess. Then the other plant I was amazed but also did n

ot ponder to long on its random

appearance, it just felt great to have him back, then I wanted to get off to the race! I did not care about the

race either I was only in it to experience it I guess! P2 36/36:XX: XX NS

Similar to yesterday in that I simply

couldn't muster up the interest to join in with the class discussion and

felt utterly disengaged from it. More doodling. Wanted to go home. P5 2/11:00:00 NS

Dream: I am on a long car journey with my mum, dad and siblings. We stop briefly and I say I will

dash into

a shop to grab some provisions. My Dad tells me what he wants

-

ice cream. The building I enter looks like

the Criterion Bar in Piccadilly with lots of old

-

fashioned kiosks inside. I am particularly taken by the

beautiful curved ceiling which is

sparkly, glittery and golden like a mosaic or scales. It is beautiful and

wasted on the shoppers who bustle about below this incredible ceiling. At the kiosk I am much too long.

My Dad will be wondering where I am. I am captivated by many of the delights

on offer. As I come to pay I

have to register my name and address

-

as you would do in online shopping

-

I have choose my name and

address from a list of all the many names and places I have belonged to in my life. There are so many of

them and as I regard

the list of all the names and all the places I have lived there is a feeling of 'who am I?'

and a sense of great detachment from the people I have been in the past. I stay a while longer at the kiosk

being indulgent. This is going to be very expensive. P3

5/XX NS

Speech can be amusing and find difficulty in stringing words and finding words today. It seems to me that

everyone seems to be feeling like that; no one seems to be conversing easily. P6 3/3:16:00

See some deer and trees and feel something like

my usual feelings for them

-

this underlines the feeling of

disconnect and lack of engagement since the remedy. P1 3/3:17:30 OS

In meditation a feeling as though there is a barrier in front of heart. Noticing the sense of disconnection.

P1 10/10:10:00 NS

I realise it's Halloween and I have not taken this in, underlines the feeling of disconnection which feels

disturbing, even when I try I cannot feel much. P1 20/20:20:00 NS

Had an idea in the middle of the night that there were two notes in my head. Trie

d to identify and hang

on to them because I felt they were important and not the usual notes

-

a discord, perhaps a minor

seventh, with a sharpened note at the bottom. P7 19/X NS

A complete disinterest in my homeopathy classes at Hawkwood! Did loads of d

oodling on my notepad. I

felt very bored; very unusual for me to feel like this. P5 1/16:00:00 NS

Usually I remember my dreams and they are full of specific people and feelings. Since starting the proving,

I know I've been dreaming but can't remember the

details when I wake, or I only remember disjointed

fragments e.g. on day 1, there was a jar of jam and two dinner plates. Disconcerting. P7 5/05.06.45 AS

Daughter 1: typed every word wrong today, last three letters to the beginning. I canít do words. Ever

y word

I read or write. I read the shapes but have to puzzle it out

-

like what it feels like playing scrabble

-

all these

little blocks. A sense of 'unheimlich' with myself

-

usually I'm really at home with words. As if dislocated,

lost your groundedness

inside yourself. P7 0/X AS

My first day working since proving

-

I work with people one to one. I notice I feel much, much less involved

and less caring than usual, though still with a kind of abstract sense of connection

-

an aspect of the

disconnect that

is a theme. Perception that would usually happen through empathy via my body and

energy comes instead more kinesthetically and visually. I feel far more separate than usual. P1 5/5:16:00

NS

I find it difficult to understand others; their words have no me

aning. P9 2/2:X NS

I donít know how Iím feeling, emotions feel obscured. P1 1/1:08:15 NS

I have noticed a general trend to being much more flatulent since the proving began. I notice other people

being windy around me too. The pub smelt very badly of far

ts the other night and I notice my family's

flatulence much more than I used to. The smell is heavy and hot or eggy. P3 12/12:14:00 NS

Left knee feels like I've twisted it this morning, before I even got out of bed I can feel it, like it's been

dislocate

d, difficult to stand, but I just carry on and it eases through the morning. Feels like it's been over

stretched, sore at the back, wobbly on the joint. P6 4/4:07:00 ROS

It is very hard for me to concentrate on my work/symptoms etc. Whilst my girlfriend

is here. I have to

consider so many more things that I would usually and the time I usually have to do that sort of thing is

filled up with my girlfriend. P2 17/17:20:44 NS

I feel like my attention is very focused and is where my eyes are, rather than bas

ed in what Iím feeling/

sensing as it usually is. Lack of emotions again. P1

1/1:08:30 NS

A dream of someone asking me lots of questions about how I am going to sort out various things. I

Dream where I was pointing out a practical error in a group project, being disagreed with by some in the

group but one person agreeing. Unemotional but ju

st determined to carry on and do what I felt I needed

to. P1 7/7:07:00 NS

Dream of correcting someone who is helping me with a chore but making practical mistakes. I am more

assertive than usual, yet not angry or emotional. P1 8/8:07:00

NS

Still dreams a

bout being let down, but, canít remember any. P9 36/36:X RS

2nd dream: I move into the ďperfect flatĒ, very spacey without feeling too big, easy to maintain, clean,

good colours (blues). In the past I was being followed or arrested (?) but I feel safe

now. I forget to lock the

door and when I get back a guy is in my kitchen for interrogation or in order to lock me away (?).

Ė

Wake

up feeling very weird. P9 3/3:X NS

Dream: I am wheeling my daughter to a doctor's appointment in a wheelchair through a bu

ilding with

many doors, stairs, twists and turns. I am in a hurry, late, lost and unsure. Every time I round a corner or

enter a new corridor I look round for my daughter and either she is not there or she is there, running

about normally and it is the whe

elchair that is left behind. I have to go and get the thing because the

wheelchair is somehow part of the appointment. I'm a bit embarrassed that my daughter seems not to

need the wheelchair as we are now heading for this appointment. P3 8/XX NS

Lots of d

reams full of love and desire. Think of T when I wake up, happy and longing. P9 12/12:X NS

I arrive at the coast with some friends. We go to a hotel and ask for rooms. I ask for a single room and am

shown a room with 4 beds in it, 3 of which have been sle

pt in already and are in disarray. I go to the

window, which is at ground level and can just see out over the sand to the sea. I push an arm out and want

to crawl out to the sea but the window has bars on and they are too close together for me to crawl

thr

ough. All I can do is touch the sand. It turns out that one of the girls in our party has been wearing a

series of masks. We are not sure which is her real face. She has been fooling us for months and there is the

suggestion that we have had encounters wit

h her many times before without being aware it was she

because of her disguises. This makes us all feel very uneasy. P3 24/XX NS

Dream: Someone is trying to dress me in a costume for a photograph for advertising commercial. I am to

be dressed as a boxer

before a fight, in a dressing gown with a hood. The outfit does not fit. My arms and

legs have grown gangly and long. I look ridiculous and refuse to have the photograph taken. The guy in

charge is angry and menacing. He is in a hurry. He is standing over

me

-

he is tall and big. It takes all my

courage to say I don't want to do this photograph. He shouts at me and I'm scared, shrinking away from

him in my chair. P3 8/XX NS

Dream: my two male bosses who stand very close beside me

-

as I sit

-

watching and

intimidating me, are

testing my ability in a new job. There is a feeling that they will have underestimated me because I am

blonde and female. P3 8/XX NS

Dream: There is a music festival on a traveller site. A famous singer has disguised herself brightly

to

perform at this small gig. She has her hair bound in red braids or dreadlocks and is dressed much more

extremely and aggressively than she would normally be. (You'd normally think of hiding or disguise as

more drab colours. She is brightly dressed but s

he doesn't look like herself.) Her songs are also much more

controversial, provocative and anger

-

filled than usual. It's a hostile atmosphere. The crowd is quite angry,

restive and milling about uneasily. Something is about to happen, an attack of some sor

t. There is a

feeling of being outside society. They are oppressed. P3 8/XX NS

We are on a dry barren game reserve collecting something, rather than hunting. As we gather our

collection a truck appears on the horizon. The truck contains hunters. There is

a great hurry to hide our

precious collection in the boot. If they see it they will be angry and may hurt us. They are big and tall and

threatening. After the hunters arrive we go to stay in their house nearby. A friend is in a wheelchair and

the hunters f

eed us in a room at the bottom of a staircase so he eats alone in another room. (There is

some momentary focus on the type of wheelchair he is using, a catalogue perhaps and a discussion of the

relative merits of different models, particularly in respect o

f how fast they go). The hunters still seem

dangerous. We have to stay on the right side of them. I strongly disagree with the method the hunters are

using to kill/catch their prey (it is sharp, pointy and needle

-

like but somehow invisible or

intangible...

difficult to describe). Their method is somehow inhumane and unfair. My disgust at their

method ultimately trumps my fear of them and as we make to leave I tell them of my outrage. 'You

cannot kill like this'. Another and myself become the hunted. There is

a long chase and a fast exhilarating

pace. We constantly have to move quickly. As we run we periodically try to disguise ourselves and change

our appearance to fool our pursuers. We do this by swapping items of clothing between us. I'm aware this

is a pat

hetic and flimsy method of disguise. One of the items we swap between us is what looks like a pair

of short horns. P3 9/XX NS

Dream of a stalker coming after my wife, we are in the city amongst huge buildings, sky scrapers, he is

carrying a long metal st

aff, I manage to get my wife to safety and draw him away, he comes after me, he is

menacing, dark, scary, he could kill me if he gets to me, but I can fly, I am high above the sky scrapers

watching him, checking he is not getting to my wife. If he goes tow

ards her I go closer to him drawing him

away, then a swoop up, as long as I can keep my flight and height up I will be safe, but it is terrifying. P4 29

Dream of looking at nails and then biting them to cut them. P1 2/2:06:30 NS

With this dream, the fe

eling is that I do not have the capacity for this horror. It is something much bigger

than I am, bigger than I have the capacity to comprehend or cope with. It will engulf and obliterate me. P3

46/46:11:00 NS

Dream: A very old friend died. I am at the wa

ke. There are not many people there and the friends he had all

seem to be from 15 years ago, when I knew him. Where has his life been and gone since I knew him? Its

like he's done nothing at all in the long years since I knew him. Like his life has been no

thing, no impact

any change. That's depressing. P3 34/XX NS

Dream of playing a rock gig, a robin reliant drives on stage splits in half and 4 oaps get out as backing

singers. Feels very normal and an important part of the show. P6

2/2:05:00

A friend o

f mine confides in me that she is having problems resisting this woman, as she is so

overwhelmingly interesting. She points her out to me and the woman notices it and comes over

afterwards. There is no magic in the world to stop me from falling for her.

-

It is a wonderful dream,

although nothing "happens". But it leaves a hopeful, warm (or more) feeling. P9 47/47:X NS

I sprain my ankle. The pain is incredible and I wake up with a jolt. P3 17/XX NS

Went to the theatre to watch a play, actors and audience

were inter mixed, couldn't really understand

what the play was about. At one point, one of the actors turned to me and said something, I smiled and

play continued, my wife got very angry with this for some reason. I thought it was quite funny. At the 2nd

half we sat in a seat around a table and the lady next to me was touching my leg, again my wife became

quite protective. I was trying to figure out if she was an actor in the play or not. Outside a man in a very

strange shape looking more like a sea creatu

re is squeezing his leg, a large pimple that explodes and he

starts being sick, reminds me of the creature at the end of spirited away. I believe these relate to cleansing

and also about my wifeís work as an art director. P6 04/10:00:00

Dream about being

very touched by someone's work and intentions. Yet as I wake there is a question

about what, if anything, is truly useful to the world

-

a flat feeling. This flatness feels related to the

pointless feeling. P1 21/21:07:00 NS

Dream about baby spiders hatc

hing on the ceiling of my bedroom and need to get away from them, as

they will bite. This dream is partially repeated in real life with a news story on day 24 about a spider bite

and also real spiders on the roof of my tent on day 30. I have at least one m

ore semi

-

predictive dream like

this during proving, day 52. P1 23/23:06:30 NS

Slightly premonitory dream of two semi

-

authority figures imposing on me, pressing their demands or

undermining me. This then happened exactly and very unexpectedly at a meeting

later in the day. P1

52/4:07:00 NS

Dream of being in US and going to meet Cree people, huge pang in heart as we do this. I was looking at

crafts and some familiar people turned up and there was a tension between continuing to do my thing

and doing the soc

ially acceptable thing. Feels more of a personal dream than remedy

-

related, but also

perhaps as though my more usual self is trying to reassert itself over the remedy by way of stereotype

dreams, as though I'm trying to push out the effects of the proving

and re

-

engage my heart which has felt

the sense of disconnection most strongly

-

native people also represent for me the aspects that have felt

noticeably lacking since the proving

-

connection, inter

-

awareness, caring, emotionality. P1 9/9:07:00 NS

3 dre

ams, first two with familiar themes. One about some old cats of mine who I dream of every now and

then. Yet another relationship dream, where I am feeling resentful and wanting to get away. Finally about

receiving a homeopathy prescription but not trusting

the practitioner and resolving to go to another

practitioner

-

again no emotions in this. P1 25/1:06:45 RS

Strong dream about being on a boat/ ferry with 1000s of people. It is on fire and going down and seems††

we're all going to die. I find a room to s

it in and notice some people are being rescued from the other end

of boat. I process my forthcoming death, want to live and am sad. Then feel what is left is to be ok with

dying, to completely surrender to what is happening, this brings peace. Then I leave

the room and

somehow slip into the queue of people being rescued. I'm saved and later it seems that everyone was

though the boat burned out. P1 29/5:07:00 NS

Dream of being lined up with some other women, tied up to each other on the edge of a high prec

ipice, if

one tried to escape or move we would all fall and die. P1 50/2:07:00 NS

A silver grey Ferrari races up and down through our little village revving aggressively loud, quite scary. At

some point the car starts to spin in small circles while still

producing this horrible sound. I am waiting

outside a pub with some friends and we fear that the car will get so close in its uncontrolled journey that it

will take us out. It gets closer but then further away when it comes to a stand still, the doors open

and out

come to proud parents with their boy that seems to have just passed their personal driving test. I shout

something very angry to them about responsibility, safety and care and respect for others but they just

laugh at me. I don ́t dare getting the

registration number as I fear they will run me over

-

I am left scared

but also angry. The speed and sound of the car was horrendous. He could have killed us. P9 13/13:X NS

Dream: I have some rough edges in my mouth that I worry with my tongue. First o

ne and then the other

lower incisor fall out. I am horrified to be losing teeth. The thought is 'that's it, gone for good'. I look more

closely at the teeth in my hand and realise that they are just two plastic caps that have worn thin. What a

relief. But

now I have to replace them. I find a leaflet advertising replacements but I can see that they are

very expensive. This worries me. P3 5/XX NS

There is a parade of old trains. Crowds watch and many enormous and very oddly shaped engines steam

into view. Th

e crowd begins to run towards them to intercept/get on them. P3 27/XX NS

I am near a busy harbor. There is a P & O ferry that reminds me of one in my dreams in the North (where I

leave for a journey into the unknown). Suddenly a submarine shaped boat sho

ots straight through the hull

of a big passenger ferry. It doesnít sink but there is much screaming and chaos. I wake up confused as it

will be the day of the news that got the job and I keep on dreaming about catastrophes with the

company ́s boat or planes

. P9 20/20:X NS

I have my palms read and first I think it says that I will have the longest relationship of my life ahead of me

with the person I have such deep feelings for at the moment, but then the guy says it means the

relationship with myself as it

is at the moment will be the longest I have ever had. I get sooooooooooo

angry, shout and swear, also close to crying out of anger. P9 13/13:X NS

Dream: continued ... The doctor directs me outside into the garden. Out in the garden my daughter's

therapy/medicine is to be taught by me to use a machine that looks like a strimmer with a sharp piece of

wire attached to it. I try to help her to use it safely but struggle to get her attention or to make her

understand what she should do. It's a dangerou

s looking thing and every time she comes over to

investigate she put both of her hands on the 'blade' and then asks me to turn it on. I keep imagining her

fingers being sliced off. At the edge of the garden, which is very nicely kept with a trim lawn and n

eat

borders, I can see a couple of clumps of unruly weeds and vegetation. I am instructed to approach these

with the strimmer. I zoom in and inside the clump of weeds and grass I see a frog and a beetle and have

the impression of many things living in ther

e. I do not want to slice them in half. I react to the strimmer as

I would to a knife or blade. P3 8/XX NS

I have a snooze and dream very clearly of spraining my ankle and wake suddenly. P3 12/12:10:00 NS

I am speeding downhill in a car with a companion

. We are late for something. We are on a steep city road.

As we approach each set of traffic lights they turn green so we do not have to slow down at all. We

continue to gather speed and it is really exhilarating. But where's all the other normal city traf

fic. The road

is empty.

from everyone else as I possibly can. I dread the tea break when people will turn around, see me and talk to

me. I will lose it. P3 56/56:10:00 NS

Other symptoms (esp. emotional), on

the contrary, I feel very positive, even resisting to have an argument

with a friend that always pushes my buttons. We have known each other for 5 or so years and are quite

close. It often seems that people who are close use each other to let off negative

emotions. Sometimes I

just feel beaten by her; there is a physical hurt although it is emotional. I don't understand why humans

have to treat each other like this. P9 43/43:X RS

At seminar someone reads a poem about trees, a favourite topic of mine. I not

ice the urge to reconnect,

missing feeling touched by life since the proving. This feeling of missing feeling touched is constant

throughout proving. P1 16/16:09:30 NS

I had a dream again. This was an odd one. I woke up trying to recall and I did feel lik

e I quite grasp the

imagery of the dream and so I did not put it in but when I explained it to my support I found that I could

describe it very well. It goes a little something like this. I was in a room; looks kind of like an office and my

plants I keep a

re there. I know however, I am waiting for a pending race and that I am involved in it. It is

about to start any moment but I need to water my plants quickly. As I do I go ahead and water them and I

then I knock one of them to the floor. A rather big one o

ut of the lot so I tidy it up and then when I put it

back on the shelf I recognise an old plant of mine that died in the hands of my mother a few months ago

but it was triple the growth it was before and I was pleasantly surprised. I then sprinted of witho

ut tidying

up the water on the floor. I get to the racetrack, which is a professional ring track with rally cars involved.

The race had started but that was fine for me, I was in it for the fun and I did not mind seeing how well I

do. Thatís it! The feelin

g of knocking my plant over was not terrible either. It was a sense of 'oh dear, come

on lets get to it.' Hardly a moment to ponder and realise how the plant is, I could feel that the plant was

okay I guess. Then the other plant I was amazed but also did n

ot ponder to long on its random

appearance, it just felt great to have him back, then I wanted to get off to the race! I did not care about the

race either I was only in it to experience it I guess! P2 36/36:XX: XX NS

Similar to yesterday in that I simply

couldn't muster up the interest to join in with the class discussion and

felt utterly disengaged from it. More doodling. Wanted to go home. P5 2/11:00:00 NS

Dream: I am on a long car journey with my mum, dad and siblings. We stop briefly and I say I will

dash into

a shop to grab some provisions. My Dad tells me what he wants

-

ice cream. The building I enter looks like

the Criterion Bar in Piccadilly with lots of old

-

fashioned kiosks inside. I am particularly taken by the

beautiful curved ceiling which is

sparkly, glittery and golden like a mosaic or scales. It is beautiful and

wasted on the shoppers who bustle about below this incredible ceiling. At the kiosk I am much too long.

My Dad will be wondering where I am. I am captivated by many of the delights

on offer. As I come to pay I

have to register my name and address

-

as you would do in online shopping

-

I have choose my name and

address from a list of all the many names and places I have belonged to in my life. There are so many of

them and as I regard

the list of all the names and all the places I have lived there is a feeling of 'who am I?'

and a sense of great detachment from the people I have been in the past. I stay a while longer at the kiosk

being indulgent. This is going to be very expensive. P3

5/XX NS

Speech can be amusing and find difficulty in stringing words and finding words today. It seems to me that

everyone seems to be feeling like that; no one seems to be conversing easily. P6 3/3:16:00

See some deer and trees and feel something like

my usual feelings for them

-

this underlines the feeling of

disconnect and lack of engagement since the remedy. P1 3/3:17:30 OS

answer patiently and without emotion although they are challenging

me. P1 5/5:06:00 NS

Writing reports

-

not as anxious as usual about pleasing people or being judged on my comments. Was

able to move on. P7 35/X AS

Feeling fed up again, canít be bothered especially with people. Want a holiday or just to be on my own. It

has an annoyance underneath it that is unusual for me. P1 4/4:09:20 NS

I have had a really good day. I am connecting with everything really well. The house, my studies, cycling

about and as an overview of my time here in Plymouth, I think it has really m

ade a good impression on me

and taught me a few things. I have found that I am able to think incredibly laterally and clear and achieve

what I want. It is a really great feeling. Though when I went out later on and met up with a load of my flat

matesí grad

uate friends from his placement, I could not connect quite the same as I have done with the

rest of my environment today. I found I was out of the link quite often possibly because I was not

connected within their group, as they were all intakes of the sam

e company. It was not a bad feeling but it

is the weird environment where you really love the fact that you do have really close friends out there that

really connect on another level. Where the connect has been good I have felt a general sense of fluidity

and a sort of perpetual motion, where things I do seem to lead on well to other things and this is a

positive pulse of activity. I do generally have the feeling that I am too busy for a social life at the moment

and this does not help making a connection

with anyone. My concentration on my work is far better than

a month ago. P2 35/11:16:00 NS

As well as feeling disengaged from the teaching, I also started feeling very antisocial in general and didn't

want to chat with anybody at lunchtime. P5 2/14:00:00

NS

Daughter 3 phoned (age 20, had ME as a teenager). She was in a bad state of panic. I am not taking on her

stuff. I can listen and respond and not feel drained. This is novel

-

we have had a very symbiotic

relationship. P7 7/07.08.30 NS

Not worried abo

ut who's in the house (people have come and gone a lot recently) slightly unusual. P7

19/19.07.00 NS

Had to teach in corridor at school

-

felt very much an outsider. Had to keep a brave face, which was

difficult. P7 47/X IOS

By end of today I felt reall

y overwhelmed by family

-

demands made on me from all quarters and as if I was

shouldering all responsibility. Incessantly on the go all weekend, became desperate for time to myself. Very

over

-

loaded. And very worried about coping with the demands of schoo

l tomorrow

-

no one seems to

have time / to want to listen to what's going on in my life. Don't seem to be balancing very well. P7 44/X

IOS

Evening in library

-

when there are too many people I feel there is not enough space for myself, no

boundaries, the

ir voices, smells, presence goes straight into my emotions, penetrating, no way of stopping

it): I feel a bit sad and depressed; don ́t want to talk about parties, Christmas or badger cull; it is either too

painful or too "happy", too emotional anyway. I fe

el a bit out of place. Not belonging. Maybe it ́s just

because Iím year 4 and proving with year 3, so don ́t quite belong here or there. P9 0/0:18:35 AS

Dream of being in US and going to meet Cree people, huge pang in heart as we do this. I was looking at

c

rafts and some familiar people turned up and there was a tension between continuing to do my thing

and doing the socially acceptable thing. Feels more of a personal dream than remedy

-

related, but also

perhaps as though my more usual self is trying to reass

ert itself over the remedy by way of stereotype

dreams, as though I'm trying to push out the effects of the proving and re

-

engage my heart which has felt

the sense of disconnection most strongly

-

native people also represent for me the aspects that have f

elt

noticeably lacking since the proving

-

connection, inter

-

awareness, caring, emotionality. P1 9/9:07:00 NS

Meditation repeats the feeling of heart and engagement, again as though trying to reassert this against

the disconnected/ dissociated feeling of

proving. I feel a wave of heavy energy that wants to be coughed

or retched up. I feel the desire to end the proving and be back to myself and back to connection. This

desire for the proving to end repeats days 9, 10, 11, 13, 17. P1 9/9:08:30 NS

Very

sleepy and heavy feeling. Distracted and unable to concentrate. P5 32/15:00:00 NS

Dream: continued ... The doctor directs me outside into the garden. Out in the garden my daughter's

therapy/medicine is to be taught by me to use a machine that looks like a

strimmer with a sharp piece of

wire attached to it. I try to help her to use it safely but struggle to get her attention or to make her

understand what she should do. It's a dangerous looking thing and every time she comes over to

investigate she put both

of her hands on the 'blade' and then asks me to turn it on. I keep imagining her

fingers being sliced off. At the edge of the garden, which is very nicely kept with a trim lawn and neat

borders, I can see a couple of clumps of unruly weeds and vegetation.

I am instructed to approach these

with the strimmer. I zoom in and inside the clump of weeds and grass I see a frog and a beetle and have

the impression of many things living in there. I do not want to slice them in half. I react to the strimmer as

I woul

d to a knife or blade. P3 8/XX NS

Daughter 1 had a dream: some one had sliced me across the middle below the rib cage on the fleshy part,

the unprotected bit. It was with a cauterising blade like a samurai sword

-

it burns and stops you bleeding. I

was sp

lit, cut across the middle, but the spinal cord was left intact, no blood. I knew I would still be alive

but I woke wondering how am I going to digest food. It wasn't a specific person, I was just cut. My partner

said I shouted out loud. I woke peacefully

after it, it felt quite cathartic. P7 2/X NS

Felt slow and tired between now and around 6pm. I could not do words, more than usual

-

used gestures,

tripped over words, and made up descriptive nonsense words. P7 1/01.15.00 IOS

I escape outside on my own a

nd lie on my back on the ground to try to find some calm. I feel better for a

little while until a friend comes and stands over me and asks me what's wrong. I would like to avoid this

conversation but feel pinned down by our relative positions. I start to

talk to him about how the proving is

making me feel. He speaks to me with huge compassion and then stands me up to give me a hug. I don't

want the hug because I know I will lose control but he insists. As he hugs me he pushes with small force on

my solar p

lexus. I immediately become tearful and feel like running away. The kindness and compassion is

much too much for me to bear and he has put his hand right on the spot where all my feelings are

concentrated. P3 29/29:14:00 NS

Working, I notice some of body

-

type empathy has returned though heart still feels disengaged from

process. P1 11/11:12:00 OS

I sat down to play piano and had a realisation about music playing during this proving. When I was in the

'open' phase, I found I could play without inhibition,

making far fewer mistakes, being less self

-

conscious,

using my skill well and feeling I could get into the music and play it without hindrance of the notes. A very

good feeling that now I could build and learn and teach well. Probably the same intuitive fe

eling when you

A friend o

f mine confides in me that she is having problems resisting this woman, as she is so

overwhelmingly interesting. She points her out to me and the woman notices it and comes over

afterwards. There is no magic in the world to stop me from falling for her.

-

It is a wonderful dream,

although nothing "happens". But it leaves a hopeful, warm (or more) feeling. P9 47/47:X NS

I sprain my ankle. The pain is incredible and I wake up with a jolt. P3 17/XX NS

Went to the theatre to watch a play, actors and audience

were inter mixed, couldn't really understand

what the play was about. At one point, one of the actors turned to me and said something, I smiled and

play continued, my wife got very angry with this for some reason. I thought it was quite funny. At the 2nd

half we sat in a seat around a table and the lady next to me was touching my leg, again my wife became

quite protective. I was trying to figure out if she was an actor in the play or not. Outside a man in a very

strange shape looking more like a sea creatu

re is squeezing his leg, a large pimple that explodes and he

starts being sick, reminds me of the creature at the end of spirited away. I believe these relate to cleansing

and also about my wifeís work as an art director. P6 04/10:00:00

Dream about being

very touched by someone's work and intentions. Yet as I wake there is a question

about what, if anything, is truly useful to the world

-

a flat feeling. This flatness feels related to the

pointless feeling. P1 21/21:07:00 NS

Dream about baby spiders hatc

hing on the ceiling of my bedroom and need to get away from them, as

they will bite. This dream is partially repeated in real life with a news story on day 24 about a spider bite

and also real spiders on the roof of my tent on day 30. I have at least one m

ore semi

-

predictive dream like

this during proving, day 52. P1 23/23:06:30 NS

Slightly premonitory dream of two semi

-

authority figures imposing on me, pressing their demands or

undermining me. This then happened exactly and very unexpectedly at a meeting

later in the day. P1

52/4:07:00 NS

Dream of being in US and going to meet Cree people, huge pang in heart as we do this. I was looking at

crafts and some familiar people turned up and there was a tension between continuing to do my thing

and doing the soc

ially acceptable thing. Feels more of a personal dream than remedy

-

related, but also

perhaps as though my more usual self is trying to reassert itself over the remedy by way of stereotype

dreams, as though I'm trying to push out the effects of the proving

and re

-

engage my heart which has felt

the sense of disconnection most strongly

-

native people also represent for me the aspects that have felt

noticeably lacking since the proving

-

connection, inter

-

awareness, caring, emotionality. P1 9/9:07:00 NS

3 dre

ams, first two with familiar themes. One about some old cats of mine who I dream of every now and

then. Yet another relationship dream, where I am feeling resentful and wanting to get away. Finally about

receiving a homeopathy prescription but not trusting

the practitioner and resolving to go to another

practitioner

-

again no emotions in this. P1 25/1:06:45 RS

Strong dream about being on a boat/ ferry with 1000s of people. It is on fire and going down and seems††

we're all going to die. I find a room to s

it in and notice some people are being rescued from the other end

of boat. I process my forthcoming death, want to live and am sad. Then feel what is left is to be ok with

dying, to completely surrender to what is happening, this brings peace. Then I leave

the room and

somehow slip into the queue of people being rescued. I'm saved and later it seems that everyone was

though the boat burned out. P1 29/5:07:00 NS

Dream of being lined up with some other women, tied up to each other on the edge of a high prec

ipice, if

one tried to escape or move we would all fall and die. P1 50/2:07:00 NS

A silver grey Ferrari races up and down through our little village revving aggressively loud, quite scary. At

some point the car starts to spin in small circles while still

producing this horrible sound. I am waiting

outside a pub with some friends and we fear that the car will get so close in its uncontrolled journey that it

will take us out. It gets closer but then further away when it comes to a stand still, the doors open

and out

come to proud parents with their boy that seems to have just passed their personal driving test. I shout

something very angry to them about responsibility, safety and care and respect for others but they just

laugh at me. I don ́t dare getting the

registration number as I fear they will run me over

-

I am left scared

but also angry. The speed and sound of the car was horrendous. He could have killed us. P9 13/13:X NS

Dream: I have some rough edges in my mouth that I worry with my tongue. First o

ne and then the other

lower incisor fall out. I am horrified to be losing teeth. The thought is 'that's it, gone for good'. I look more

closely at the teeth in my hand and realise that they are just two plastic caps that have worn thin. What a

relief. But

now I have to replace them. I find a leaflet advertising replacements but I can see that they are

very expensive. This worries me. P3 5/XX NS

There is a parade of old trains. Crowds watch and many enormous and very oddly shaped engines steam

into view. Th

e crowd begins to run towards them to intercept/get on them. P3 27/XX NS

I am near a busy harbor. There is a P & O ferry that reminds me of one in my dreams in the North (where I

leave for a journey into the unknown). Suddenly a submarine shaped boat sho

ots straight through the hull

of a big passenger ferry. It doesnít sink but there is much screaming and chaos. I wake up confused as it

will be the day of the news that got the job and I keep on dreaming about catastrophes with the

company ́s boat or planes

. P9 20/20:X NS

I have my palms read and first I think it says that I will have the longest relationship of my life ahead of me

with the person I have such deep feelings for at the moment, but then the guy says it means the

relationship with myself as it

is at the moment will be the longest I have ever had. I get sooooooooooo

angry, shout and swear, also close to crying out of anger. P9 13/13:X NS

Dream: continued ... The doctor directs me outside into the garden. Out in the garden my daughter's

therapy/medicine is to be taught by me to use a machine that looks like a strimmer with a sharp piece of

wire attached to it. I try to help her to use it safely but struggle to get her attention or to make her

understand what she should do. It's a dangerou

s looking thing and every time she comes over to

investigate she put both of her hands on the 'blade' and then asks me to turn it on. I keep imagining her

fingers being sliced off. At the edge of the garden, which is very nicely kept with a trim lawn and n

eat

borders, I can see a couple of clumps of unruly weeds and vegetation. I am instructed to approach these

with the strimmer. I zoom in and inside the clump of weeds and grass I see a frog and a beetle and have

the impression of many things living in ther

e. I do not want to slice them in half. I react to the strimmer as

I would to a knife or blade. P3 8/XX NS

I have a snooze and dream very clearly of spraining my ankle and wake suddenly. P3 12/12:10:00 NS

I am speeding downhill in a car with a companion

. We are late for something. We are on a steep city road.

As we approach each set of traffic lights they turn green so we do not have to slow down at all. We

continue to gather speed and it is really exhilarating. But where's all the other normal city traf

fic. The road

is empty.

from everyone else as I possibly can. I dread the tea break when people will turn around, see me and talk to

me. I will lose it. P3 56/56:10:00 NS

Other symptoms (esp. emotional), on

the contrary, I feel very positive, even resisting to have an argument

with a friend that always pushes my buttons. We have known each other for 5 or so years and are quite

close. It often seems that people who are close use each other to let off negative

emotions. Sometimes I

just feel beaten by her; there is a physical hurt although it is emotional. I don't understand why humans

have to treat each other like this. P9 43/43:X RS

At seminar someone reads a poem about trees, a favourite topic of mine. I not

ice the urge to reconnect,

missing feeling touched by life since the proving. This feeling of missing feeling touched is constant

throughout proving. P1 16/16:09:30 NS

I had a dream again. This was an odd one. I woke up trying to recall and I did feel lik

e I quite grasp the

imagery of the dream and so I did not put it in but when I explained it to my support I found that I could

describe it very well. It goes a little something like this. I was in a room; looks kind of like an office and my

plants I keep a

re there. I know however, I am waiting for a pending race and that I am involved in it. It is

about to start any moment but I need to water my plants quickly. As I do I go ahead and water them and I

then I knock one of them to the floor. A rather big one o

ut of the lot so I tidy it up and then when I put it

back on the shelf I recognise an old plant of mine that died in the hands of my mother a few months ago

but it was triple the growth it was before and I was pleasantly surprised. I then sprinted of witho

ut tidying

up the water on the floor. I get to the racetrack, which is a professional ring track with rally cars involved.

The race had started but that was fine for me, I was in it for the fun and I did not mind seeing how well I

do. Thatís it! The feelin

g of knocking my plant over was not terrible either. It was a sense of 'oh dear, come

on lets get to it.' Hardly a moment to ponder and realise how the plant is, I could feel that the plant was

okay I guess. Then the other plant I was amazed but also did n

ot ponder to long on its random

appearance, it just felt great to have him back, then I wanted to get off to the race! I did not care about the

race either I was only in it to experience it I guess! P2 36/36:XX: XX NS

Similar to yesterday in that I simply

couldn't muster up the interest to join in with the class discussion and

felt utterly disengaged from it. More doodling. Wanted to go home. P5 2/11:00:00 NS

Dream: I am on a long car journey with my mum, dad and siblings. We stop briefly and I say I will

dash into

a shop to grab some provisions. My Dad tells me what he wants

-

ice cream. The building I enter looks like

the Criterion Bar in Piccadilly with lots of old

-

fashioned kiosks inside. I am particularly taken by the

beautiful curved ceiling which is

sparkly, glittery and golden like a mosaic or scales. It is beautiful and

wasted on the shoppers who bustle about below this incredible ceiling. At the kiosk I am much too long.

My Dad will be wondering where I am. I am captivated by many of the delights

on offer. As I come to pay I

have to register my name and address

-

as you would do in online shopping

-

I have choose my name and

address from a list of all the many names and places I have belonged to in my life. There are so many of

them and as I regard

the list of all the names and all the places I have lived there is a feeling of 'who am I?'

and a sense of great detachment from the people I have been in the past. I stay a while longer at the kiosk

being indulgent. This is going to be very expensive. P3

5/XX NS

Speech can be amusing and find difficulty in stringing words and finding words today. It seems to me that

everyone seems to be feeling like that; no one seems to be conversing easily. P6 3/3:16:00

See some deer and trees and feel something like

my usual feelings for them

-

this underlines the feeling of

disconnect and lack of engagement since the remedy. P1 3/3:17:30 OS

answer patiently and without emotion although they are challenging

me. P1 5/5:06:00 NS

Writing reports

-

not as anxious as usual about pleasing people or being judged on my comments. Was

able to move on. P7 35/X AS

Feeling fed up again, canít be bothered especially with people. Want a holiday or just to be on my own. It

has an annoyance underneath it that is unusual for me. P1 4/4:09:20 NS

I have had a really good day. I am connecting with everything really well. The house, my studies, cycling

about and as an overview of my time here in Plymouth, I think it has really m

ade a good impression on me

and taught me a few things. I have found that I am able to think incredibly laterally and clear and achieve

what I want. It is a really great feeling. Though when I went out later on and met up with a load of my flat

matesí grad

uate friends from his placement, I could not connect quite the same as I have done with the

rest of my environment today. I found I was out of the link quite often possibly because I was not

connected within their group, as they were all intakes of the sam

e company. It was not a bad feeling but it

is the weird environment where you really love the fact that you do have really close friends out there that

really connect on another level. Where the connect has been good I have felt a general sense of fluidity

and a sort of perpetual motion, where things I do seem to lead on well to other things and this is a

positive pulse of activity. I do generally have the feeling that I am too busy for a social life at the moment

and this does not help making a connection

with anyone. My concentration on my work is far better than

a month ago. P2 35/11:16:00 NS

As well as feeling disengaged from the teaching, I also started feeling very antisocial in general and didn't

want to chat with anybody at lunchtime. P5 2/14:00:00

NS

Daughter 3 phoned (age 20, had ME as a teenager). She was in a bad state of panic. I am not taking on her

stuff. I can listen and respond and not feel drained. This is novel

-

we have had a very symbiotic

relationship. P7 7/07.08.30 NS

Not worried abo

ut who's in the house (people have come and gone a lot recently) slightly unusual. P7

19/19.07.00 NS

Had to teach in corridor at school

-

felt very much an outsider. Had to keep a brave face, which was

difficult. P7 47/X IOS

By end of today I felt reall

y overwhelmed by family

-

demands made on me from all quarters and as if I was

shouldering all responsibility. Incessantly on the go all weekend, became desperate for time to myself. Very

over

-

loaded. And very worried about coping with the demands of schoo

l tomorrow

-

no one seems to

have time / to want to listen to what's going on in my life. Don't seem to be balancing very well. P7 44/X

IOS

Evening in library

-

when there are too many people I feel there is not enough space for myself, no

boundaries, the

ir voices, smells, presence goes straight into my emotions, penetrating, no way of stopping

it): I feel a bit sad and depressed; don ́t want to talk about parties, Christmas or badger cull; it is either too

painful or too "happy", too emotional anyway. I fe

el a bit out of place. Not belonging. Maybe it ́s just

because Iím year 4 and proving with year 3, so don ́t quite belong here or there. P9 0/0:18:35 AS

Dream of being in US and going to meet Cree people, huge pang in heart as we do this. I was looking at

c

rafts and some familiar people turned up and there was a tension between continuing to do my thing

and doing the socially acceptable thing. Feels more of a personal dream than remedy

-

related, but also

perhaps as though my more usual self is trying to reass

ert itself over the remedy by way of stereotype

dreams, as though I'm trying to push out the effects of the proving and re

-

engage my heart which has felt

the sense of disconnection most strongly

-

native people also represent for me the aspects that have f

elt

noticeably lacking since the proving

-

connection, inter

-

awareness, caring, emotionality. P1 9/9:07:00 NS

Meditation repeats the feeling of heart and engagement, again as though trying to reassert this against

the disconnected/ dissociated feeling of

proving. I feel a wave of heavy energy that wants to be coughed

or retched up. I feel the desire to end the proving and be back to myself and back to connection. This

desire for the proving to end repeats days 9, 10, 11, 13, 17. P1 9/9:08:30 NS

Very

sleepy and heavy feeling. Distracted and unable to concentrate. P5 32/15:00:00 NS

Dream: continued ... The doctor directs me outside into the garden. Out in the garden my daughter's

therapy/medicine is to be taught by me to use a machine that looks like a

strimmer with a sharp piece of

wire attached to it. I try to help her to use it safely but struggle to get her attention or to make her

understand what she should do. It's a dangerous looking thing and every time she comes over to

investigate she put both

of her hands on the 'blade' and then asks me to turn it on. I keep imagining her

fingers being sliced off. At the edge of the garden, which is very nicely kept with a trim lawn and neat

borders, I can see a couple of clumps of unruly weeds and vegetation.

I am instructed to approach these

with the strimmer. I zoom in and inside the clump of weeds and grass I see a frog and a beetle and have

the impression of many things living in there. I do not want to slice them in half. I react to the strimmer as

I woul

d to a knife or blade. P3 8/XX NS

Daughter 1 had a dream: some one had sliced me across the middle below the rib cage on the fleshy part,

the unprotected bit. It was with a cauterising blade like a samurai sword

-

it burns and stops you bleeding. I

was sp

lit, cut across the middle, but the spinal cord was left intact, no blood. I knew I would still be alive

but I woke wondering how am I going to digest food. It wasn't a specific person, I was just cut. My partner

said I shouted out loud. I woke peacefully

after it, it felt quite cathartic. P7 2/X NS

Felt slow and tired between now and around 6pm. I could not do words, more than usual

-

used gestures,

tripped over words, and made up descriptive nonsense words. P7 1/01.15.00 IOS

I escape outside on my own a

nd lie on my back on the ground to try to find some calm. I feel better for a

little while until a friend comes and stands over me and asks me what's wrong. I would like to avoid this

conversation but feel pinned down by our relative positions. I start to

talk to him about how the proving is

making me feel. He speaks to me with huge compassion and then stands me up to give me a hug. I don't

want the hug because I know I will lose control but he insists. As he hugs me he pushes with small force on

my solar p

lexus. I immediately become tearful and feel like running away. The kindness and compassion is

much too much for me to bear and he has put his hand right on the spot where all my feelings are

concentrated. P3 29/29:14:00 NS

Working, I notice some of body

-

type empathy has returned though heart still feels disengaged from

process. P1 11/11:12:00 OS

I sat down to play piano and had a realisation about music playing during this proving. When I was in the

'open' phase, I found I could play without inhibition,

making far fewer mistakes, being less self

-

conscious,

using my skill well and feeling I could get into the music and play it without hindrance of the notes. A very

good feeling that now I could build and learn and teach well. Probably the same intuitive fe

eling when you

A friend o

f mine confides in me that she is having problems resisting this woman, as she is so

overwhelmingly interesting. She points her out to me and the woman notices it and comes over

afterwards. There is no magic in the world to stop me from falling for her.

-

It is a wonderful dream,

although nothing "happens". But it leaves a hopeful, warm (or more) feeling. P9 47/47:X NS

I sprain my ankle. The pain is incredible and I wake up with a jolt. P3 17/XX NS

Went to the theatre to watch a play, actors and audience

were inter mixed, couldn't really understand

what the play was about. At one point, one of the actors turned to me and said something, I smiled and

play continued, my wife got very angry with this for some reason. I thought it was quite funny. At the 2nd

half we sat in a seat around a table and the lady next to me was touching my leg, again my wife became

quite protective. I was trying to figure out if she was an actor in the play or not. Outside a man in a very

strange shape looking more like a sea creatu

re is squeezing his leg, a large pimple that explodes and he

starts being sick, reminds me of the creature at the end of spirited away. I believe these relate to cleansing

and also about my wifeís work as an art director. P6 04/10:00:00

Dream about being

very touched by someone's work and intentions. Yet as I wake there is a question

about what, if anything, is truly useful to the world

-

a flat feeling. This flatness feels related to the

pointless feeling. P1 21/21:07:00 NS

Dream about baby spiders hatc

hing on the ceiling of my bedroom and need to get away from them, as

they will bite. This dream is partially repeated in real life with a news story on day 24 about a spider bite

and also real spiders on the roof of my tent on day 30. I have at least one m

ore semi

-

predictive dream like

this during proving, day 52. P1 23/23:06:30 NS

Slightly premonitory dream of two semi

-

authority figures imposing on me, pressing their demands or

undermining me. This then happened exactly and very unexpectedly at a meeting

later in the day. P1

52/4:07:00 NS

Dream of being in US and going to meet Cree people, huge pang in heart as we do this. I was looking at

crafts and some familiar people turned up and there was a tension between continuing to do my thing

and doing the soc

ially acceptable thing. Feels more of a personal dream than remedy

-

related, but also

perhaps as though my more usual self is trying to reassert itself over the remedy by way of stereotype

dreams, as though I'm trying to push out the effects of the proving

and re

-

engage my heart which has felt

the sense of disconnection most strongly

-

native people also represent for me the aspects that have felt

noticeably lacking since the proving

-

connection, inter

-

awareness, caring, emotionality. P1 9/9:07:00 NS

3 dre

ams, first two with familiar themes. One about some old cats of mine who I dream of every now and

then. Yet another relationship dream, where I am feeling resentful and wanting to get away. Finally about

receiving a homeopathy prescription but not trusting

the practitioner and resolving to go to another

practitioner

-

again no emotions in this. P1 25/1:06:45 RS

Strong dream about being on a boat/ ferry with 1000s of people. It is on fire and going down and seems††

we're all going to die. I find a room to s

it in and notice some people are being rescued from the other end

of boat. I process my forthcoming death, want to live and am sad. Then feel what is left is to be ok with

dying, to completely surrender to what is happening, this brings peace. Then I leave

the room and

somehow slip into the queue of people being rescued. I'm saved and later it seems that everyone was

though the boat burned out. P1 29/5:07:00 NS

Dream of being lined up with some other women, tied up to each other on the edge of a high prec

ipice, if

one tried to escape or move we would all fall and die. P1 50/2:07:00 NS

A silver grey Ferrari races up and down through our little village revving aggressively loud, quite scary. At

some point the car starts to spin in small circles while still

producing this horrible sound. I am waiting

outside a pub with some friends and we fear that the car will get so close in its uncontrolled journey that it

will take us out. It gets closer but then further away when it comes to a stand still, the doors open

and out

come to proud parents with their boy that seems to have just passed their personal driving test. I shout

something very angry to them about responsibility, safety and care and respect for others but they just

laugh at me. I don ́t dare getting the

registration number as I fear they will run me over

-

I am left scared

but also angry. The speed and sound of the car was horrendous. He could have killed us. P9 13/13:X NS

Dream: I have some rough edges in my mouth that I worry with my tongue. First o

ne and then the other

lower incisor fall out. I am horrified to be losing teeth. The thought is 'that's it, gone for good'. I look more

closely at the teeth in my hand and realise that they are just two plastic caps that have worn thin. What a

relief. But

now I have to replace them. I find a leaflet advertising replacements but I can see that they are

very expensive. This worries me. P3 5/XX NS

There is a parade of old trains. Crowds watch and many enormous and very oddly shaped engines steam

into view. Th

e crowd begins to run towards them to intercept/get on them. P3 27/XX NS

I am near a busy harbor. There is a P & O ferry that reminds me of one in my dreams in the North (where I

leave for a journey into the unknown). Suddenly a submarine shaped boat sho

ots straight through the hull

of a big passenger ferry. It doesnít sink but there is much screaming and chaos. I wake up confused as it

will be the day of the news that got the job and I keep on dreaming about catastrophes with the

company ́s boat or planes

. P9 20/20:X NS

I have my palms read and first I think it says that I will have the longest relationship of my life ahead of me

with the person I have such deep feelings for at the moment, but then the guy says it means the

relationship with myself as it

is at the moment will be the longest I have ever had. I get sooooooooooo

angry, shout and swear, also close to crying out of anger. P9 13/13:X NS

Dream: continued ... The doctor directs me outside into the garden. Out in the garden my daughter's

therapy/medicine is to be taught by me to use a machine that looks like a strimmer with a sharp piece of

wire attached to it. I try to help her to use it safely but struggle to get her attention or to make her

understand what she should do. It's a dangerou

s looking thing and every time she comes over to

investigate she put both of her hands on the 'blade' and then asks me to turn it on. I keep imagining her

fingers being sliced off. At the edge of the garden, which is very nicely kept with a trim lawn and n

eat

borders, I can see a couple of clumps of unruly weeds and vegetation. I am instructed to approach these

with the strimmer. I zoom in and inside the clump of weeds and grass I see a frog and a beetle and have

the impression of many things living in ther

e. I do not want to slice them in half. I react to the strimmer as

I would to a knife or blade. P3 8/XX NS

I have a snooze and dream very clearly of spraining my ankle and wake suddenly. P3 12/12:10:00 NS

I am speeding downhill in a car with a companion

. We are late for something. We are on a steep city road.

As we approach each set of traffic lights they turn green so we do not have to slow down at all. We

continue to gather speed and it is really exhilarating. But where's all the other normal city traf

fic. The road

is empty.

 

 

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