Fulgurite = Petrified Lightning/= Lechatelierite/= Libyanite/= Darwin Glass/= SiO2



Vergleich: Siehe: Silicea + Blitz + Imponderables + Amorph


[Misha Norland and Mani Norland]


Fulgurite is formed by lightning.x strike fusing silica.x grains in the ground. They are common around beaches and lakes and can take on a variety of forms. Previously a sample of this ďmeteoriteĒ has been found to contain fossilised microorganisms so there has been a lot of interest in proving that it is in fact from space!


Lightning and the Gods

Many cultures have myths about a god who is the divine source of thunder and lightning. Such a god does not have a typical depiction, as it will vary according to the culture. In Indo-European cultures, the Thunder God is frequently known as the chief or king of the gods, e.g. Indra in Hinduism, Zeus in Greek mythology, and Perun in ancient Slavic religion; or a close relation thereof, Thor, son of Odin, in Norse mythology.

Zeus, the god of the sky and ruler of all the gods on Olympus is well known for the lightning bolt he brandishes. His portrayal in Greek mythology is that of a powerful leader responsible for justice and mercy, the lightning bolt being used to punish those who transgress.

The ancient Slavic God Perun is described as a rugged man with a copper beard. He rides in a chariot pulled by a goat buck and carries a mighty axe.

Thor, is modelled after his image, and is a fierce-eyed, red-haired and red-bearded, God of Norse mythology. He is the hammer-wielding deity associated with lightning storms, oak trees, strength, the protection of mankind, and also healing and fertility.

Zulu, Xhosa and Pondo African mythology: lightning bird features; the creature is sometimes black and white with red/green iridescent feathers. The bird is associated with witchcraft and it is said that the bird has the power to summon bolts of lightning to shoot out from its claws and wings. It is said that the bird would sometimes change into

a good-looking man in order to seduce young women.

Lightning in religion

Christian Bible: many occurrences of lightning being hurled down from the heavens. This was described as an act of punishment by God, striking those who had done wrong, alternatively some believe it is the brightness of Godís presence blazing forth. Several religious building and statues have been struck by lightning and religious believers see

it as a sign of Godís displeasure with the evil in the world.

Lightning Struck Sand

Wikipedia: on Earth, the lightning frequency is approximately 40 - 50x a second or nearly 1.4 billion flashes per year and the average duration is 30 microseconds.

Fulgurites (from the Latin fulgur, meaning "thunderbolt") are the varietal name given to fused quartz, silicon dioxide, which has been heated by the action of lightning striking a desert and locally melting the sand.

The best-known fulgurites are found in quartz sands, where they take the form of tubes that may be branched, sometimes exceeding a half-inch or more in diameter.

The outer surfaces of fulgurites are often rough with adhering, unfused sand grains. The inner surfaces and openings of the tubes are usually smooth and glassy.

Rock Fulgurites are formed when lightning strikes the surface of a rock, melting and fusing the surface, and sometimes the interior of the rock.

Fused sand and rock may also be formed by meteorite impact and volcanic explosions and also by man made electrical arcs and high voltage discharges. In all cases of formation the temperature must be high enough to fuse the silicone dioxide, at least 1,800į C is required, totally transforming its structure. Because it is now amorphous, fulgurite is classified as a mineraloid. The event of transformation in the case of a lightning strike is measured in microseconds.

Above is an image of the specimen used in our proving. This being 3 by 4 cm it was conveniently placed in a glass jars and covered with good quality Vodka and sealed.

It was shaken lightly on a daily basis and in a month had provided the immersion tincture. This tincture was run up to 30 C potency in the classroom (substance unknown

to provers), with provers taking turns at dilution and succussion, using Korsicovian methodology. The final potency of 30 C was used as the proving dose. As is our custom

at the School of Homeopathy, just one dose was taken, proving diaries, and one-to-one supervision, commencing from this point, and continuing for two months.

Here is the account of the woman who found it. ďI collected the fulgurite from the desert. A group of us went out riding to find them. We were nearWickenburg, Arizona. We spotted them on horseback and then would jump off to collect them. The idea was to have a purpose while riding, rather than just drifting along. It's barren out there and then there are these fulgurites, which are like little treasures. Some glisten a little in the light.Ē There are two components that join in the composition of a sand Fulgurite: there is silicone dioxide, the main component of sand, and the intense heat generated by electricity in the form of the incandescent plasma of the lightning strike. The latter transforms the structure of the former. When the sand resolidifies, it is changed forever. Lightning is classified as an imponderable in homeopathy.

This group of remedies are potentised from energy sources and include Sun light (Sol), Moon light (Luna), Magnetism, Electricitas, X-ray, Mobile phone radiation, Positronium decay radiation, etc. The influence of the energy is typically Ďcapturedí by lactose that is stirred while being irradiated, or by water in a vial that is close to the source. In the case of fulgurite however, it is sand that has become transformed by the encounter with lightning that is the source. The proving symptoms have little in common to the well known remedy Silica that is the result of slow precipitation of nodules of flint in lime-stone formations, and a lot in common with the themes of imponderables.


Proving themes of fulgurite extracted from the proving diaries:








Branching tubes/antlers

Exposed vs. hidden

Industry vs. lull

Flying vs. falling

Loss of



Blocked up












A Ďstoryí using the proving themes of fulgurite:

It is high, at the vertex, there is a hot/pressing, speed/excitement builds with patterns/vibrancy there is intensity and a feeling of blocked up/tension, then there is sudden electricity/energy and a flying/falling down, a loss of boundaries/invasion and then a connection is made with feeling grounded/earth but with a sharp/stabbing, followed by

a n overwhelming sense of obliteration/violence/anger.

Then disconnection is felt; the lull after excitement and industry, a sadness sets in, until slowly the energy builds again, the hot pressing, the height, and the excitement.

And so it goes around.

Provers Ďspeaking as oneí arranged alphabetically in themes


Ankle radiating ache

Ache along left thumb joint and up into left arm while sitting reading.

Very tense and aching neck, shoulders.

The axis of my spine around the c1 and c2's are aching because of looking up the whole time watching over my buddy as he climbs. > for massaging and pushing the knotted areas where it hurts the most.

My back symptoms are again slowly coming back after a few days lapse in symptoms. It is now not quite as overpowering as before but this slight achy feeling is now just

in the background annoyance. The feeling comes from the same spot on the left side of the spine about 3inches above the rib cage. It is quite usual this coming and going of

my back symptoms but it is generally affected in new phases of my life, i.e. moving around, new jobs but then it could easily come back once I am relaxed into a new phase too.

My back has started hurting again over the last week. I think it comes from painting my Christmas gifts and having to sit still in order to get detail into it or it could also come from my bike because I have notice in the past week the seat has gone down from its normal height, putting more strain into cycling. The pain is all over, as from aching in my muscles and I can sense a high tension all the way down the sides of the back, but mostly being about the middle where the lumbar and thoatic join or perhaps a little more in the thoatic. There is clicking but more like big thuds rather than lots of small clicks that go right the way up and down my spine. Twisting the spine helps to alleviate some of the smarting pain around.

Back - hurt spine lifting.

Aching all along left leg all evening. Knee swelled up and one point was extremely sensitive to touch with sharp shooting pain.

Right side jaw joint. Aching pain, which was gone by morning. Extends to right ear. This felt like a symptom from 20 years ago. At the time I felt it was an arthritic pain.

It was brief.

Left ankle still achy and sometimes wince from placing too much pressure, feels across the top of foot where foot meets bottom of leg.

Getting the same achy feeling as my ankle yesterday in my right toes.

Back ache 13 Ė 19 h. stiff back, feels fragile in certain positions, have to be careful how I move it.

Dull ache in left arm and hand while driving. May be related to playing a lot of violin.

Headache on right side, over the temple, across to the ear and down the neck. Dull constant ache with nausea and sometimes sore glands in neck.

I still have this feeling that my period is due; there is a slight dull cramping ache in the lower abdomen, pelvic area, on both sides quite equally.

Headache with the pain focused on the forehead and between the eyes. Started in the morning and intensified throughout the day. I suspect it may be connected to a

change in diet that I started yesterday.

A dull frontal headache (forehead) that lasted all day and evening.

Another dull frontal headache that lasted all evening.

till bit headachy front left, but eased, it goes away during the day and returns a little during the evening. I have had plenty of fluids so I know it's not dehydration.

Headache still lingering through the day. Worse in the car.

Nagging headache through the night.

Icy nose # very cold hands or feet. Headache improving. Aching glands in neck.

My little finger on my left is hurting as I type. It feels colder than all the rest of the fingers and I find that the pain is quite nervy and aching. I find that it is not being used

as much as the rest of the fingers but the little finger on my right it not cold and painful. The itchy toes episodes have all gone since before the weekend. I find that since my urges to eat sugar have been controlled, my toes have improved.

Left shoulder and upper arm was niggling all night - difficult to lie on that side. A dull ache. (Violin playing arthritis?) I am wondering whether this is intensified during the proving - it has definitely been present and localised in that upper arm and not only after playing violin. The usual ache after violin is in neck, shoulder and jaw.

This upper arm ache is different.

On going left arm. Sore upper arm, muscle pain sometimes extending down to hand and up to shoulder.

Dull rheumatic sort of ache. Sore to sleep on. The usual violin ache is more typically in my neck, jaw and shoulder. This very definite upper arm ache seems particular to the proving time. Am wondering if it is related to speaking on the phone more i.e. holding the phone up. But the sore while sleeping is definitely new.

Left ankle has been twinging and aching, think it may relate to cycling though... Left knee has also been playing up a little.

Neck and backache but this could have something to do with too long on the computer and not enough exercise.

Upper back and neck even worse than yesterday, there is even a bit of headache with it.

Notice an ache down tendon on inside ulnar side of forearms, extending from wrist on both sides. Repeats several times a day until end of proving and beyond.

Blocked up/tension

Cycling home from work I got a huge sensation of a ball of phlegm at the back of my mouth/ top of my throat. This made it really hard to concentrate on cycling and I could not swallow it easily and when I did it

always came back. I could not spit it out either for a quick alleviation. It didn't taste and it didn't easily move and it was only once I had gotten home that it finally went.

I was out walking and came across a pair of ducks on a frozen lake. Her leg frozen in the ice trapped one of the ducks. I couldn't walk away. I had to help her.

I phoned a neighbour who knew about birds, an

RSPB member. There was a group of us around the birds on the frozen lake. A dilemma - if we chipped the ice away to free the bird it could crack and we would all go down into the water. If we melted the ice around her leg, same result. I was aware of how frightened she was and wanted to protect her. Next I am on dry land and the ducks are walking by. One had an anklet of jagged ice around her leg

-Free, yet not free. I also knew that once she settled back into her nest the ice would melt and she would be ok. There is a possible connection between the symbology of this dream and a situation I found myself faced with the next day.

So we could consider there is an element of prescience in this dream.

Feel bloated, stopped up.

I dream that a large black bear is struggling to give birth. She has 3 cubs that are stuck because there is a fourth bear -a cub from last year and much bigger- stuck behind them. I try to help for a long time. A crowd gathers. I notice we are standing on the edge of a cliff. There comes a point where I know if I don't rescue the cubs now that the mother will die. I sense the mother's effort and exhaustion. I get behind the mother and grab hold of the waist of last year's cub and begin to pull. I know that if I can get this blockage out of the way then the 3 new cubs will be born quickly and smoothly.


Slight blocked nose

Notice hearing is feeling blocked, probably all day, as though a cold has gone on to ears or as though blocked by pressure. Repeats daily until day 4 and every few days throughout proving.

I have that lump sensation in my throat again. I woke up this morning with the left nostril completely blocked, taking 1 hour or so to clear but ever since I have been left with this lump in - between the nose and the mouth. It feels thick and sticky and as though it is stuck there. It cannot be moved but it is not really annoying enough to try.

I cannot hock it up to see the colour, though the taste is slightly mucusy and a little bitter.

My stools in the last week have been better, yet still looser than normal; at least I have been feeling released and freer after taking action. I have been in the last 2 days fairly blocked up again, only executing small amounts and then straining to execute more and being left with the feeling of more to come but it cannot. There is not nearly as much flatulence as before the provings in that blocked up state.

Constipated. Blocked up and not releasing the whole lot, very similar to before with my constipation, where I feel completely unrelieved and a lot of gas.

Very blocked nose with sneezing; particularly blocked on left side.

Left nostril completely blocked upon waking (and for the following 30 minitus)

Alternately left then right nostrils blocked up.

Both sides very blocked up.

Very blocked nose with sneezing; particularly blocked on left side.

Breathing a bit blocked, first at back of nose area, moving down to Adam's apple area within a half hour.

Blocked feeling moved to sternum area with a bit of a rough cough.

No rawness of throat. Slight blocked feeling in top of throat.

Back to waking with heavy head, forehead aches and blocked ear. (Recalled that teaching on Monday, my right ear felt blocked again, as if I couldn't hear anyone.)

Watery eyes. Irritated at slurping at breakfast.

Like the beginning of a 3 day post-coffee headache, slightly nauseous with tense back of neck and bruised feeling under eyes. Numb tense back of head. Want to do nothing but I know it is < lying/reading/after sleep. Better for cold hand pressed on, though generally > warmth. Icy cold nose.

Headache gradually improved through day. Daughter 3 was with me today and she had the same headache.

Daughter 3 talked about her right ear, which would not unpop (she has lots of catarrh since taking her remedy).

Left one had cleared. It seemed strange to me that we should both have the right ear blocked.

Post nasal catarrh, right hand side with blocking and unblocking right ear. Then watering eyes.

Feel constipated, usually I would have a poo in the morning and at night, but hardly anything is shifting. I am just used to go in the morning and usually in the evening, there

is no proper urging, it almost happens naturally and maybe is part of a routine (timing). As I got up too early my body wasn't ready. I did sit on the loo, but I felt and knew it wouldn't happen. I just know when my routine is upset; there is no point in even trying.

Dream snippet of being with my aunt and coughing up some very dense catarrh.

Dream of having a cold and remembering previous dream of catarrh.

Daughter 3 phoned. She told me that over the past few weeks she has had a closing up feeling in her throat, with pain in the diaphragm and up through her throat. Better for exercise. Her throat has been tight generally. Over the weekend she had an occasion where she couldn't breath and couldn't talk, it was so bad. She had to borrow her friendís asthma inhaler. Remarkable to hear after my own throat symptoms.

Nasal congestion with lots of sneezing.

Sensation of constriction in throat - lasts several seconds.

Tight upper back and neck. Left arm still sore, shoulder to hand - achy. Cracking left shoulder.

Eructations like bubbles up from heart area to top of throat. This happens particularly when out walks. This seems strange to me and seems unrelated to whether I have eaten or not, or what I have eaten. Quite uncomfortable. It feels like the opposite of drinking sparkling water, which brings relief. (Compare once during proving when it hurt.) I cant recall when this started, and I do recognise it as something I've experienced before, but it has been very marked during the last few weeks and on-going.

On the way to school. Feeling of failing everyone and myself very strong - what is the point? Terrified at the idea of my children not managing and that I have been inadequate as a parent. Feel like there is no end to the terror of what I must do. Felt like crying on the way to school but could not let myself because of having to teach.

It stuck in the mid-chest to throat area. Then it became difficult to swallow with a lump

in my throat. Right side of throat became sore. Bubbles started coming up again. Had to work really hard to try to put all this to one side and teach those kids as if all was fine - managed to reach the 'still, calm centre' enough to get through the day.

Can't go to the loo before setting off to Stroud. Feeling of fullness all day, hoping desperately that something might shift.

Feeling of fullness and distension, still lack of movement.

I have a really furry mouth and thick phlegm. I noticed this whilst cycling home from work and found that spitting did not help alleviate the symptoms. The texture of my gums was very rough and carpet like.

I guessed that it could have been my new diet of porridge every morning rather than the muslin and yogurt I usually eat.

When I got home the symptoms went.

Increased mucus and sneezing. Normal for me this time of year. Moulds/spores. Intensified since Rx.

My back feels locked up. It is not clicking like it used to and the alleviation is different after stretches, it feels better, yet as though it is locked and there is more to relax

but altogether it is jammed or locked up and feels like it has got any potential to loosen up more but cannot. The shoulder feeling is gone almost or very slightly coming back because it hasn't really been there for the last week. The emphasis is on the left side of the spine a point where there is a tight knot and is almost continuously painful.

This point is almost in the middle of the rib cage but a little bit further down if anything. There is another point, still effected but not as noticeable towards the shoulders and also more to the left side of the spine. All of the muscles feel better for massaging and pressure; it relieves some of the stress in those points

Lump on dog's right ear is now black, hard and dry, like a dried blackcurrant. Bizarre change from the bright red of that first proving weekend.

I have had this lump at the back of my throat. It was between my mouth and nose and it stayed there the whole day. Though my nose has cleared up it feels like the symptoms have moved backwards and got stuck between my nose and mouth.

Pain, swelling. Very difficult to swallow anything. Feels like a lump. A raw feeling that stings, almost feels burnt. I am very susceptible to throat problems if I get stressed. Sore throat more intense than usual.

In kitchen, were very clumsy, dropping things and bumping myself. Felt like crying and just stopping doing anything. What is the point if everything is going to go wrong any way? But could not stop or I would be judged as being lazy. Felt like I needed support and to be looked after - and that I would not be so must manage. A feeling of crying deep inside with a lump sensation in chest/throat. Difficult to make eye contact with anyone, covering up how I feel, could not eat last mouthful of breakfast.

Woke but kept eyes shut. Lurking headache with forehead feeling heavy. Intangible blocked nose and sinuses - dry, hot feeling.

Lots of mucus. Unusual in that it's clear. Not excoriating. When I have had pain with sinus congestion in the past the mucous would look infected. Definitely connected to sinus congestion. Sneezing a lot.

I still have lots of clear mucus. Watery. This has been fairly constant throughout. Lots of sneezing with a feeling of congestion. Like day 23 but not as intense.

Excess mucus, I think I am coming down with s.th.

Still excess mucus; still think I am coming down with s.th.

Still too much mucus, feeling a cold coming on almost every day (didn ́t mention as it seems to be just there). The mucus is in the throat area and I have to clear it, as it just seems to build up otherwise.

Lots of mucus and coughing, feel like a cold coming on (again).

I feel as if I donít go the loo enough as if there is water retention. First my right hand feels swollen, then I can ́t get the ring off the left hand. Weighing 5 pounds more then

in the morning.

Dealing with communication with difficult mother of a pupil about non-payment - I felt shaky and sick with nausea rising and sitting at the top of my throat. I would normally feel sick in such a circumstance, but was very aware of the feeling lodging in the top of my throat.

I have a similar feeling to that sick feeling I had in the car talking to my friend but it is slightly different and not so much nausea as last time. It feels as though the stomach is working too hard and it is very tense in that area. It first came on when I got home from work and I ate 2 packs of crisps after an intense cycle from work. It sort of subsided by the time I had dinner but afterwards the feeling came back even stronger now it feels so tense that it is close to cramping. I did just at 22:30 h. have lively argument with my step dad and I think this has aggravated the symptoms making me tremble whilst talking to him. I also have this feeling of being cold but not and that then has a trembly, achy and weak feeling all over my upper half of my body, sort of only skin deep feeling of achy and weak ran through all of my muscles.

My tummy was still being affected in the lower parts this was a really sore deep feeling, like a solid weight was to big to fit in there and no movement or relief could be found.

Pain, forehead, between eyes. Feels sinus congestion. Lasted all day.

Congestion and cold-like symptoms, with lots of sneezing and very sore, itchy eyes.

Sitting room door is sticking - really noticing it, as if we may not be able to get in or out. (Started yesterday just before brother arrived.)

Knee is hurting today, to walk on, stiff around joint in its movement, like its been stuffed with sawdust and it's tight and painful to move, it's swollen.

My jaw feels stuck and there is a corresponding pain in my vertex, at my temples and under my ears where my jaw hinges.

Stuffy nose off and on until 22.50 h. Top back of nose. Like the beginning of a cold but it just went away again.

Starting a sore throat, a little swollen. Slightly itchy. It hurts to swallow food, better for warm liquids. < right side. Low energy.

Dream: I am in a room full of people standing and waiting for a big announcement to be made. One man is talking. It is his job to introduce the second man, who is more important and who is going to make the announcement, for which I am sure he is to be congratulated. There is a problem. The second man is waiting for the first man to stop talking so that he can begin his piece, but he does not stop talking.

The second man waits and waits and then becomes angry as he realises that the first man intends to deny him the opportunity to talk. Eventually the second man draws himself up and begins to talk over the other man, who, in turn, raises his voice such that there is this competition for attention and a great cacophony.

It makes the rest of the crowd feel increasingly tense, uncomfortable and agitated. There is a woman in the crowd who is a friend of mine. In the dream she is much more radiant, glossy, healthy and young looking. She says to the crowd - 'right let's run' and completely breaks the mounting tension by running to the end of the room.

The crowd follows and runs with her en masse. When we get to the end of the room we turn and run back. We run back and forth this way, dissipating the tension.

The tension is completely diffused by the act of running and the crowd is relieved.

I am tense and irritable out of all proportion to the things going on around me. I have upset most of my family today by being angry and irritable. There is a nervous tension

in my chest/solar plexus. I don't seem to be able to breathe past it.

Woke into the feeling of the dream. Tense shoulders, knotted tummy, heavy heart and breathing. Tried to watch myself tying those knots - gradually came to terms with the fact that it is myself I need to look to do the untying.

I have agreed to spend the night at my parentsí house. My mum starts talking to me about something I don't want to discuss. I instantly feel like I want to leave to get away and go quickly. I feel trapped and tense. To get rid of the tension I feel I must go.
I arrive in class and want to leave. I feel tension in being seated/static. In break time I feel cornered in a conversation I don't want to have. I want to leave.

At one point on the journey the tension begins to rise again. I swear and curse at the top of my voice for 5 minutes until I feel foolish/better.

Very angry with the children at bedtime, felt I was overly impatient with them.

Overwhelmed by grief. Both parents died earlier this year - close together. I cried practically all day. This is the most I've cried since it happened. This felt like a release.

The grief was out I had fought it at the funerals. (Explanation - today I received paperwork to process the selling of their house. It has been the family home for 55years and losing the house feels like an added grief.) My energy is very flat.

Feel throat is lumpy, swallowing feels strange, and breathing seems affected. But it's ok once I get moving.

Itchy, swollen throat. Like an allergic reaction. I get this sometimes but it hasn't been this intense for a while.

My left heel on the Achilles on the back of it has been really tight the whole day. I first notice it this morning and it is still not loosened up. As a comparison to the other it

is very tight as if it does not have any movement but once moved it is perhaps just as flexible. It is quite a solid feeling and I notice it especially when I am moving.

Resting knee today, still tight feeling around it, like it's in plaster cast.

Kept tenting my fingers all day today - finger tips to tips - clasped hands, index fingers pointing up, against

chest. Tight and strong and powerful feeling. Playing around with the energy.

Cross my legs and trap my right testicle.

Cried when B left, as she is such a good and generous friend and treated me with such respect and love (opposite to my father).

Very difficult with father. I feel trapped, can't even use the computer as he is in his room all the time ("poorly"). In fact he is drinking too much again (which has been an issue since my childhood).

It is quite threatening psychologically, as I feel so open. His moods and psychological attacks can hurt so easily.

I sometimes get a spasm in the oesophagus when eating. Normally it is a little painful and goes quickly.

This time it was extreme and lasted for hours. Intense pain in the diaphragm and shooting down my arms. Sharp, burning pain. Nothing I could do to ease it. Tried different positions; breathing technique; staying still; motion; rescue remedy; nothing helped. I considered phoning an ambulance because I felt the symptoms were like a heart attack. Extreme salivation - couldn't keep it in my mouth or swallow.

Swallowing was impossible. I took a remedy -Black Obsidian- this was an intuitive decision. No thought processes got me to this remedy, I knew it would bring up what was trapped deep within and that was the sensation. Something trapped needed to come up. Immediately after the remedy I got very hot and started to perspire. Then I coughed and an enormous amount of phlegm came out.

It was white and stringy - like egg white and it dangled from my mouth at least twelve inches long. After this I slowly recovered.

Woke with tight shoulders, twinging pain in right side of neck and blocking and unblocking ear.

Headache, right temple going to neck, with twinging pain in neck now and then. Very tense shoulders.

Blocked right ear.

On drive home my ears were popping and unpopping more than usual. Some twinging pain in particularly the left ear canal.

Ears feel as if under pressure and want to pop, although there is no change in altitude. Very unpleasant.

Headaches over the weekend, for 3 days straight also needing to pee, like I cannot empty bladder, started having to hold it in and direct attention elsewhere. Waking at 2 h. every night.

I keep forgetting to write this symptom down because I am always on my bike when I feel it. I get this feeling of a bladder infection every now and again whilst cycling but never have the usual symptom of bladder infection with the urging without relief. I just have that pain in my groin as if I had a bladder infection. The pain is a light pressure as if my urethra is getting squashed on my saddle and a slight stinging sensation is then apparent. I would say that this has been there the last 2 weeks on and off. I only notice it once I have been cycling for about 5/10 mins when it does appear and it is only apparent when there is pressure to the urethra and not when I urinate.

In the afternoon my voice went small. I found I had to repeat things twice before people heard me. It felt like a huge effort to produce a voice and make myself heard, both in volume and enunciation. The voice got stuck at the base of my throat with a heavy feeling in my chest. (It reminded me of when I started teaching age 23 and had a strong accent Ė pupils couldn't understand me and I was not aware of speaking very quietly. Eventually I got laryngitis and could not speak at all.) Verged on the feeling that no one wanted to speak to me and I was not worth hearing.

Tight sore chest, > hot pressure, with a stuffy nose.

Bizarre feeling from heart area up through oesophagus through throat. Almost all the time, a feeling of blockades somewhere along that line. Often difficult to swallow food because of blocked feeling around the bottom end of my oesophagus - often hot around there. Has been quite intense during proving.

Digestion feels quite blocked up - odd gurgles (bubbles rising) and not much action. 'Sheep poo' now and then.

Branching tubes/antlers

Dream: Someone asks me how a man in my dream is feeling. The man cannot tell using words but can show. He does this by growing an immense set of antlers. The final branch of each bit of antler is a razor sharp knife. This is exactly how the man feels. Even as I wake and record this dream I have to draw it rather than write about it.

This repeats the sense of having flipped into the visual channel.

I notice antlers everywhere this weekend: on a bottle of whiskey, in a homewear shop, in a picture in a restaurant, my neighbours coat rack.

I'm seeing antlers everywhere. They're flirting with me in the environment.

More antlers about today. A ram's skull in a Georgia O'Keefe painting. Mounted skulls in a Sunday magazine. I also came across my daughter reading about the herd of deer kept at a local castle.

There are antlers everywhere: magazines, bottles, pictures, catalogues, and menus.

I am watching a film and am struck by the huge number of stuffed animal heads on the wall. All different types of deer, moose, antelope. There are about 30 of them.


I felt very affectionate towards the dog - usually I am too tired and irritable after a weekend on the course.

He was very friendly too - curled round and snuggled up.

The day was all right. I felt I managed to balance, get centered in my own identity. As a result, I was not knocked off balance by people or events and could be affected and let it pass.

Felt slight bounces back

to a tentatively positive feeling of last week. Unusual for me to recover from negative 'stuff' so quickly. It feels like my old stuff is being brought up to work through.

I hear the beat of many hooves during the meditation.

I saw 2 large buzzards, cycling along the cycle path, I disturbed one and it flew up very big wingspan, close to me and took off over the trees. Then 5 mins later the exact same thing happened again. It was beautiful. Powerful big birds, both time only a few metres away from me.

There was a group of us on tiered seating, on the water. We were observers to an experiment. There was a boy in the lake. We were there to observe how the bird would behave with the boy. It was

a small black

bird and it flew to the boy and made an immediate bond with him. It went straight to him, sat on his shoulder, head, foot. They were completely bonded - as one. To further our experiment we sent the bird to another group of people to see if the bird could bond with someone else. We offered the bird a very famous man (a Simon Cowell type figure) He was groomed, suntanned, very confident. The bird quickly rejected him and he looked quite perturbed that the bird would not choose him over the boy. The bird flew straight back to the boy who was now sitting high in the water on a rock.

I saw Swan Lake at the theatre this evening and felt that this was linked to my dreams of birds and water.

A possible theme. This was booked many weeks before I knew I would be doing the proving.

Buoyant feeling today and wanting to be in touch with people - ready to talk to people and listen. Not an effort and not tired after each encounter. Positive. Feel light and calm, beyond is coming forward and revealing itself. Things feel like they are coming together.

Visited friend's new baby. I was very comfortable holding him. Thought of him just being and his digestive system working away and him coping and reacting to it. Felt very right.

Had a day of communication from my house out, of being in touch. Suddenly I found I could write a letter to my mother and sister (they live together, my sister cares for my mother), where I've found that very difficult for the past few years. I found I could phone my sister and chat and it felt good and normal. Today I had no difficulty over phoning and writing and emailing and am not worn out by it. Contacted nearly every member of my family. It feels good to be in touch.

My brother phoned and had managed to have a long chat with my sister and another planned for tomorrow. He said itís the first time in 5 years that he has managed to talk properly with her. (They live close to each other.) Usually he has to leave, says she wont 'give'. He gave me advice that what she needs is for us all to be in touch and chat.

(There are 4 siblings.) It seems an odd coincidence that this has come up now, with all my other 'getting in touch' symptoms. I don't often talk on anything other than a superficial jokey level with my brother.

Walking down a very very long staircase that goes on and on for as far as they eye can see, on the steps people have stalls set up and I stop and talk to them. It is fun, travelling down and chatting on the way.

I feel confident and in control.

Positive feeling all weekend - Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Felt outgoing. I forgot my watch, but enjoyed the contact with other people over asking the time. Normally I like to be self-sufficient so I donít have to approach people. Was not nervous about speaking in the group, none of the usual palpitations.

I go out to a very busy party at a local pub. Over the course of the evening I have 4 or 5 conversations with other women where I feel we are really making a connection with each other. I realise that I am very strongly drawn to female camaraderie and conversation. It's another really fun night out. I feel we should all be spending more time together. I want to be friends with them all.

Felt thoroughly at home holding friend's new baby. Again the connection was that he was totally preoccupied with his tummy. My stomach started to gurgle in sympathy as I was holding him...

Dream: I was in a car driving with a strange woman from somewhere like my childhood hometown, across somewhere like Orkney. She was going to commit suicide by drowning and I was going to do it with her, although I didn't feel perhaps I should. I had to leave the dog behind as we drove up a long hill - I hoped he would follow but he didn't. Green grass, blue sky, sea, islands. I felt compelled to go back, riding and pushing a box on wheels. Someone positive appeared on a bike (like my mother when young?) and said I don't know how you can leave. I said 'I CANT.' and knew I couldn't. Desperate to find the dog - found him down a grassy track, hugged him and cried. Woke with the feeling of having cried a lot. The suicide part of the dream was new for me, the other part I have experienced similar before.

I have been surprised again by what was brought up in the last proving gathering we have had. I noticed many people mention that they have been feeling a cut off feeling from the rest of their families and somehow, miraculously getting into contact with them and this was a good feeling! I have also this cut off feeling due to being soo busy and not having much time to try and get in to contact. My brother then text me today saying do you want to Skype. So I finish what I am doing at the bank and go home. I then talk to him about how he is feeling depressed and needs more contact with us and so on. He then phones mum, at home and tells her he loves her (this never happens) so then mum phones the rest of us and tells us what he just done and the whole family felt,

to me, connected in a moment! Which is a great feeling. I am daydreaming about a dancer who moves ceaselessly and seamlessly from one shape to another. - - - - -

Deep -felt need for a central hearth in this house over these weeks - not previously such an explicit thought or acknowledged to this extent. Candles, firelight, flame - feels akin to the need for music and sunset/sunrise. Great joy in these.

A little enthusiasm, which feels more, like 'me' - relief.

Feeling deep in the flow.

I have the desire to play the violin for a few weeks now. I haven't played since my teens and no longer know how to play. But the desire to start again is quite strong. I have the violin. I have purchased a newbow and rosin and I am learning from YouTube. I am constantly listening to classic FM. This is really weird.

I doodle a giant spiral and small pea-like circles as I talk to my supervisor on the telephone - these are the same doodles I drew the day after this proving started.

I wanted to stay up and talk to people and I had fun doing so for a little while but I really wanted to just go to be and sleep so I did. Drained and over-tired. The early start and sitting down the whole day after a busy week was the main instigator.

I notice that my dreams and reality seem to interlink, the places, the people. I've been listening to pop music by preference these few weeks - apart from Bach, that is.

Usually I canít bear the monotonous jangling of it, but now I'm finding it enlivening. It's like joining in with something, allowing myself some freedom, becoming a pleb.

This has been happening since the beginning of the proving, but I didn't quite recognise the shift.

Feel like I'm coming more into myself, expanding, attuning to who I am in my core, feeling the effects of this rippling outwards into the environment. Feeling very present and content with who I am. Was feeling very tired yesterday evening, busy day doing homeopathic essay, feel more relaxed today.

I go for a swim with 2 friends, and again, feel liked and appreciated.

It's still getting better, how I feel around humans.

Found out that Daughter 3 had constitutional remedy at start of week and it made a very great difference - she could do all the texting she has as hockey captain without effort. Had been having a very bad week (since proving).

Daughter 3 phoned. Both very glad to open up and talk about these few weeks Ė she hadn't been able to before. I felt strangely able to talk to her about how I felt instead

of trying to protect her and not burden her. We discussed that and agreed it was better for us both to be more open with each other as we canít help affecting each other.

She described the last month plus as a real struggle - notable to do work, meet deadlines, and deal with people. Great intolerance of people.

Would sit down to work and have tremendous doubts about her capabilities and be unable to do anything. Self-harming, cutting.

Lots of crying. Thought of easiest way of killing herself, the most pain free - a change here because previously with her it has always been about inflicting the most pain on herself as punishment. Exaggerated old feelings of not wanting to be on her own; but when on own gets stuck there. Very scared of own thoughts, 'what I might do'. Manic episodes - drinking and venting stuff, not remembering what afterwards (One of these could have been a result of taking constitutional remedy recently.) Yesterday (Day 52) was very bad for her - crying, making self sick, self-harm on right leg. (Again, she had not self-harmed for 6/7 years until the proving - see previous entry about cutting on the tummy, on the Wed before the proving started, entry 71) At 17 h. (when I took the Arnica) she was suddenly able to leave her room, go downstairs to be with another person. She was still crying, but found she could do some work, draw a duck. She felt this as a big shift. She also woke this morning feeling a lot better and more positive.

She waits in the car while I go for a short swim in the sea. Perfect, just the sea and me. When I am back in the car a friend messaged if I want to join her for a swim.

Happiness as I pick her up from her place and drive to a beach to spend time together and have a swim.

Swim in Alatsee, very cold but it doesn't bother me; I feel one with the water, completely dissolving, happy and free.

On a walk, realise my hearing is more acute than usual, as though perception reaching further into distance. This heightened hearing repeats day 4. Still really keen to be in touch with people - emailed a friend immediately I got home to arrange a meet up tomorrow. Normally I'd feel too tired to decide and hesitant about intruding, fear of being judged.

(This is a long-standing feeling, probably since onset of puberty. See previous entries about out-goingness.)

I notice my joints, and how they fit together, I notice how they move, the white bones of my body, how they interlock, how the skeleton is white from top to toes, it feels loose and flexible.

I go for meditation after breakfast. Quite good in getting still, donít beat myself up when a thought comes along!!!

Really enjoyed concert. Felt I could open up to the music in a way I have not done for years. It was intuitive, not at all cerebral or intellectual. It felt good watching the fluid dexterity of the violinist - and I felt there with him.

Sister 2 phoned. She talked a long time. I was not resistant, defensive etc. about family, house, mother - matters which have been very difficult for me to deal with these years since my father died. Opened out.

I have just recalled something my daughter mentioned when we were watching the old video two nights ago - she noticed a gesture I made when teaching golf, an opening out of hands and arms after I finished explaining, She says I still do it now. I was totally unaware of it.

Our girlís night out is fun. We don't talk about the school run. The conversation is explicit and outrageous. We enjoy each other's company. It feels like we are quite real with one another.

I'm going out again! I'm meeting a friend for lunch. We discuss her outrageous sexual jealousy. We laugh a lot.

Quite a lot of parallel symptoms with daughter 3. Particularly the being in touch happily with people.

I lived quite a solitary existence pre proving. I definitely feel itís a bit different. I feel like I'm part of a group of people, who are looking after each other, sharing the load together. It's playful but supportive. I feel like I'm in it with other people. I am being more honest with people; I am saying how I am, really. People are responding to it in

a really positive way. Normally I'd cover it up, pass the time of day, I'd get in and out. I'd be slightly more irritated by sympathy. Now it makes me feel less isolated.

Today has been another positive day with people coming and going, phone calls, getting tasks done. I have not felt held back - happy to be who I am doing what I'm doing now.

Dream: of my children when young, a shopping trip. Playing on the display beds in a furniture shop. It was pleasant and relaxing remembering the good feeling of them interacting with each other. Unusual, because there is usually anxiety of some sort in dreams about family, and this one felt reassuring, that my children had had an a light childhood.

Since the proving I have noticed I have regained a certain ability to read and retain information, which I've really struggled with for years, possibly even since university.

It is wonderful to not have a constant battle with comprehension.

Notice there is a feeling of sensitivity but not emotionality, very little softness but feels ok. Integrity feels especially important.

I am missing my girlfriend. This evening I have had a slump of energy (not a massive drop but a definite shift) and I really really am missing her a lot because of the tight connection we have and the understanding of the ways we are and I missed that. I guess the feeling was a yearning for a hug and something close because I have been pushing it hard and I know how hard I will have to push it in the weeks to come. I feel that I connection has tighten its bond because I really rely on her in certain situations.

I am feeling sociable, like going out for a girlís night out. I ring around my friends and organise it. I don't usually do this, as it's too much bother to make all the arrangements for babysitters and after school care.

There is a lot of partying going on. Lots of invites, even for my son, which is unusual. As I write this I get another party invitation by text.

Unusually at family dinner (myself, my husband, son 27 and daughter 25) we all talked openly about the fact that we had all had a bad day. It was not self-indulgent out pouring; it felt good and gently constructive. Usually I'd try to be stoic, hide away or burst into tears, feel ashamed and hard done by. It also helped me to talk it through with my supervisor. I feel that this is a situation

I know well but this time I have been able to recognise and move through it rather than being paralysed by it and terrified to face the consequences.

The room looks very wide and clear. We are small and one unit under it. A feeling of good togetherness with other people.

A little reconnection to more usual sense of trust, that even the feeling of separation is part of life living, brings relief.

I feel more 'myself' and again hope the proving will be over soon. Work is more back to usual.

I volunteer in a community farm shop (opening day) and feel so appreciated (for the first time in months).

People seem to like me.


I feel cold, empty and very very sad after the news that I was not chosen for the job over the winter. I get quite angry and cynical first canít stop talking about it, how disappointed I am after all I did with extra hours etc. Then I get sad and weepy. Cannot contain my tears and show them to too many people. I feel raw, sore, bruised.

I feel treated so unfairly!

Crying. I donít know who I am.

What actually made me cry was the sound of a bird out the dog walk which sounded just like a mobile phone and felt like the last straw - as if everything was calling on me

to do something about it.

I felt very tearful while talking to friends about issues to do with my husband. Felt relieved/better after crying.

Period as good as over, hardly any pain this time, not that much bleeding apart from first 2 days; just tearful and sad before. I can feel tearful for lots of reasons (joy, pain,

if something really touches me deeply).

The crying in the office seemed to be excessive (period related)

A prover takes the proving remedy and tears roll down his face continuously.

Period starts, now I know why I was so weepy over the last 3 or so days.


Again I feel I have only the scantest recall of my dreams. There is so much more there, just beyond my grasp. Not like me at all.

Someone asks me a question about something that happened in class the previous day. I cannot remember at all. I struggle to find the memory, the answer. I cannot. It lies just out of grasp.

Spilt hot soup all over worktop and on my left hand slightly (no burn). Felt very clumsy and on edge. Had to deliberately slow down so as not to cry/scream/go into melt down. Have not felt this so strongly for quite a while. It is the feeling when getting tea ready for young children at the end of the day and you break a milk bottle.

I cycled to the library after work and I had forgot my bike lock at home, so I could not lock my bike and go use the library. This was 2nd time this week. The first time, on Monday, I had forgotten my keys and so I cycled back home to study. This time I was really upset with myself and rather than cycling home I went in search of a shop that I could buy a lock to keep at the library and I would then keep the keys on me. No shop was open and I went into a superstore, which didn't have one. I struggled to find something so I slowly cycled home and was feeling quite depressed and upset that I could not achieve what I wanted to achieve. Once at home I got some of the curry out that I had made earlier than week heated it up, had a beer and watched tele until 1 h. Not my usual way of getting over myself but the best way to stop my brain from ticking over with this upsetting crash I have had this week with money and not achieving (which was inevitably the forgetting things that did not help me achieve).

Daughter 3 has also had a few very bad days - unable to get things done, very depressed, sleeping a lot but not refreshed etc. Have been talking to her a lot on the phone.

After last night and a dream night full of disappointment and people letting me down (no proper memory though) I feel very low.

I'm fed up. Feel like I've had enough of this. Late getting up, don't plan to do a lot apart from going for a swim. Visit a friend of mine who is as "aggressive" as she can be and I feel like beaten, don't want this treatment in my life anymore.

Spilt pegs all over the grass. Felt like crying, instead went oh well.

I feel completely flat. No energy. I don't want to talk, I feel heavy with heavy eyelids. Like a weight is pressing me down. It has a very 'still' quality to it. Ear symptom gone.

Exactly the same as yesterday.

I have really had enough of this proving. I've had to drag myself to make these entries in the journal. I would like to avoid the whole thing now.

Headache mostly right-hand side with nausea. Worse reading. Better hot shower. Better cold hand on head. Better eating. Feel like crying, that no one loves me!

I wake feeling low. It is more intense than yesterday. I do not want to speak to anyone or be spoken to. I am very uncomfortable in my own skin. As the morning draws on and I feel more wretched, I develop heartburn in my solar plexus and cannot breathe deeply to calm myself. It is as if I cannot breathe past the tension in my solar plexus.

All the feelings of anxiety, discomfort and heartburn are centered here in the solar plexus.

Feeling flat emotionally, unmotivated, want to sit and stare, an uncomforted feeling that wants to go to sleep and shut off for a while.

Very unsure day at school. Going in was like the anticipatory anxiety before flying (I have been terrified of flying for years, once had a panic attack over the Himalayas. However, when I was a young teenager I remember being exhilarated by it). In school I had the feeling of being the enemy, being laughed at, that what ever I did would fail and be wrong - the feeling was particularly around the secretary and the H.O.D.

As if they are giggling behind your back and you are not in on the joke - that you are the joke. This is the opposite of the friendly, open feeling of the start of the proving, when I felt I fitted in and that this was a job I could do. In fact, the teaching went well and my pupils were friendly and well behaved. I recognised this as I taught, but could do nothing about how I felt. Hard not to feel like a kicked dog-hard not to try very hard to please - hard not to cry!

Dream: gravel sand beach, deserted, no sea, just a long sand strip, like a grubby beach in Hong Kong. I was driving a Cadillac-type car off the beach and through an open-air cafť area, slowly negotiating gaps between tables and chairs. The scene felt lonely and abandoned. This is the first dream I've had since the proving started.

There is antagonism between my children this morning. My tolerance for it is very low. It has the effect of creating a nervous flutter in my solar plexus and then, as it continues, I feel very quickly ramping anger.

I intervene to make it stop but quickly become more angry myself. There is a quick and extreme escalation in my stress levels until I feel I have a huge energy inside me that

is very uncomfortable to hold onto.

There is an irresistible urge to rage at my children to expel the energy and relieve the discomfort I feel. I just manage to stop myself from losing it completely.

I feel guilty, very distressed at the aggression I felt towards my children and I wish the proving over. I do not like this proving. I feel like it is damaging my relationships and me. It makes me feel angry, sad and desperate by turns. Anguish and misery.

Walk with husband and dog round lake at Country Park. It rained, luminous sky and black silhouette trees, bushes and a heron on a buoy. Reminded me of the vision from

a few days ago, the same feeling of clarity in my mind.

Until then just ďout of placeĒ, not belonging, low, sad, down. In supervision with Penny I used my patient 4 as person to spend time on a desert island with (exercise).

We capsize and cooperate, 4 are the brain and I am the muscle/practical person. I am aware of her cold hands (Raynaud's) and try to make sure she is ok (sun, fire etc.). P. asks why I think she is the brain and I practical. Then s.o. asks why I not try to make her be more practical (give me more in the consultation without pushing her). I start to cry, feel such a crap homeopath. I have to leave the room.

I need permission to stop being brave; to cry and be very, very sad about things I donít talk about. I feel as if I am bearing the weight of the family's problems on my own - I need to be strong and I'm not.

Desperately worried about Daughter 3, I desperately want her to be ok. I canít help and can only be open and there when needed. Worried my mood affects her - no matter if I cover up and put on a good front, the mood is still inside. I feel better after talking or crying. If these were not so taboo, it would be better for me. A song on the radio about being low and sad, reaching the bottom triggered this outpouring.

Dream: being very touched by someone's work and intentions. Yet as I wake there is a question about what, if anything, is truly useful to the world - a flat feeling. This flatness feels related to the pointless feeling.

I feel very sad and low after 2 blows: One at work (they will only take on one part timer over the winter, out of 5 candidates). We were told it would be 2 people, now the chance is 1:5... How are my chances?

Very frustrating. Feel like the odd one out again. I had such a good and happy day at work that it really hits me to the core.

A small wave of sadness, as though something wants comfort but nothing that could comfort. This subtle sadness repeats days 3, 4, 5, 6, 10.

A small wave of sadness, pointlessness, fed up. This slight feeling of pointlessness repeats approx. every few days throughout proving, noticeably days 3, 4, 10, 21, 39, 55. I sleep/zone out for a few minutes.

Wake with the thought I'm not enjoying my life - very unusual and relates to the pointless feeling. No emotional reaction to this.

Dream: A very old friend died. I am at the wake. There are not many people there and the friends he had all seem to be from 15 years ago, when I knew him. Where has his life been and gone since I knew him?Its like he's done nothing at all in the long years since I knew him. Like his life has been nothing, no impact any change. - - - - -

That's depressing.

Cold-type symptoms worse in the car with warm air Felt like I was slipping back into negativity. Better for heat on feet and the window open.

An old friend from my first school has kept memorabilia of our early years at school. He remembers everything. I am astonished as he recalls things vividly that I struggle to drag from the darkest recesses of my memory.

Very tired and a bit flat.

I feel great because it is my birthday and I am going to see all my friends and family. Though this is also a weird feeling because I was torn between the excitement of seeing all those people I haven't see for so long and the sadness of my girlfriend having to leave tomorrow and I felt a real sense of being torn between the 2 of them though I did have a great day with them all together.

Feelings of total inadequacy. That I am failing at my job, in relationships and cannot see how to do better. That I am actually a horrid person. This is not a good place to be. Although I can write about it, I still can see no way through.

My left knee is playing up again (feels unreliable, as if it could give up); also left hip and left elbow. Only for some minutes, then ok again.

Another wave of sadness. Sigh.

Disconnection I am walking on the downs, I see an uncle, we stop and chat, I am walking my fathers dog, he disappears to say hello to some other people who are around,

I don't really notice who they are, when he returns, he's got little cigarette coals burning in his fur, I quickly put out the fires, it appears someone has been hurting him which makes me a little angry though he does not seem in pain, I nurse him and make sure he's ok, I'm not looking for who has done it, just that he's ok, I don't feel any danger despite this incident and I'm not wondering why its been done either, there is a sense of acceptance.

Dream: we went to tea as a family with some good friends. When we left I had to go back to the loo. When I tried to find our car it was dark and there were lots of cars parked and another party going on. Some old friends who we are no longer in touch with were there. Our friend was dishing out soup. I felt alone and confused and uninvited although no one was unfriendly - misplaced as though everyone else had known, out of the loop.

The argument made me feel upset and angry that my step Dad did not see my point of view and take it on board because he is always right and he makes himself the culprit

of every situation because of how he separates himself from us. I think it is a real shame that he cannot open himself up and I would love to not care but I do and I think that

is a shame too.

On waking, feel averse to reflecting for proving - want to avoid it.

Noticed wife gets irate and saying 'are you listening' has said this several times the last 2 days, must be that I'm away with the fairies a little more than usual. We have had some funny laughs for no reason.

Odd coincidences: my supervisor went to Australia and couldn't get in touch for more than a week; my son went to Japan on interview for 4 days; my husband and I are going to Hong Kong in a couple of weeks; and my brother retired and did a round trip visiting family and friends he hadn't for 30 years. This feels like a big contrast and shift in my life - suddenly things are opening up, becoming global. Normally I have not been a good traveller and my life has centred round the house in Bedford and the children. Now I am ready to go! In this proving time I have also found myself letting go connection with my children - not pushing away, but letting things unfold for them. For me it has felt a little like stepping out into a void - it's exciting, but I'm not sure what will happen. It's hard to describe the process, but can be as much in an everyday greeting as in any monumental action or meaningful conversation. It's more a willingness to let things be rather than to be in control.

Blockage of communication again. Husband doesn't need to talk and I feel resentful and lonely in my silence. This is a stark contrast to the communicativeness of 2 weeks ago.

S.o pulling their hair out because they canít put up with a certain situation. Blurred dream, can ́t catch it. It leaves me quite sad.

Strange dream about zombies. Pretty funny, didn't seem real, not sure what that was about, haven't been watching zombie movies, though I think they are cool. In the dream,

I was watching a heart come back to life in my hands. Dead looking people were after me, but it wasn't panicky it was more amusing, they weren't dangerous.

Last few days have been bogged down in emotion. A revisiting of old (adolescent?) emotions. Scary to leave that place that I am familiar with even though itís painful.

Better for a task, and taking the task on as my own, owning it. Better for watching a squirrel in the tree in the sunshine. Recognise a slowly growing ability in myself to keep from inflicting my 'stuff' on others at the same time as not shutting in on myself.

The last few days feel like a relearning process.

Still typing words reversing the middle two letters e.g. just. This was happening in the week before the proving when studying Lac-c e.g. milk.

I realise that over the past week I have not been taking on other people's moods etc., or only fleetingly. I am much more balanced. When I find myself tired/excited or drink tea or eat sugar, I do not over do it and can centre myself.

Dream: I am sitting in a circle in class. There is a baby that is getting passed around for comfort and mothering. We share the task. It's my turn. The teacher passes me the baby and tells me to get it to sleep.

But I think 'no' the baby is hungry and needs feeding. I cannot breastfeed it - it's not my baby. I look around and can only see the cold remnant of a bottle of milk lying next to me. I am reluctant to give the baby cold milk from a bottle. As it's the only thing I've got I put the bottle in the baby's mouth. The baby sucks at the teat like a lamb sucks at a bottle -ferociously- before going to sleep. - - - - -

Sensation of the familiar seeming strange. Driving down a well-known road but feeling that I don't know where I am. Confusing, detached feeling. Like I'm looking at the world from inside something. This has happened twice in the last week.
Dream: continued ... There is confusion about the time of the appointment, and I am lost, I don't seem to know where it is, or where to go. I come across my cousin, who is a doctor. The appointment is with his wife, who is also a doctor. I think I'll ask him for directions. He is on a phone call, listening to music on headphones and reading a letter. He is plugged in. I cannot get his attention. To get his attention, because I'm in a hurry, I leap onto his desk from behind - startling him. I leap again, back onto the floor in front of him. He is annoyed and insists on making me wait while he finishes his task before responding. - - - - -

Very cracky neck and shoulders while sitting working at desk. Loudly cracking bones and the feeling that they are moving and misplaced.

Mum wakes me up from a very deep sleep. It takes me far too long to really wake up and comprehend what is going on around me. Don't get sense and connection of words; don't understand what she is saying.

My friend joins us; we have a good time together.

Dream: When I arrive at college I go into the classroom and sit way at the back of the room, physically as far away from everyone else as I possibly can. I dread the tea break when people will turn around, see me and talk to me. I will lose it. - - - - -

Other symptoms (emotional), on the contrary, I feel very positive, even resisting to have an argument with a friend that always pushes my buttons. We have known each other for 5 or so years and are quite close. It often seems that people who are close use each other to let off negative emotions. Sometimes I just feel beaten by her; there is a physical hurt although it is emotional. I don't understand why humans have to treat each other like this. At seminar someone reads a poem about trees, a favourite topic of mine.

I notice the urge to reconnect, missing feeling touched by life since the proving. This feeling of missing feeling touched is constant throughout proving.

Dream: I had a dream again. This was an odd one. I woke up trying to recall and I did feel like I quite grasp the imagery of the dream and so I did not put it in but when

I explained it to my support I found that I could describe it very well. It goes a little something like this. I was in a room; looks kind of like an office and my plants I keep are there. I know however, I am waiting for a pending race and that I am involved in it. It is about to start any moment but I need to water my plants quickly. As I do I go ahead and water them and I then I knock one of them to the floor. A rather big one out of the lot so I tidy it up and then when I put it back on the shelf I recognise an old plant of mine that died in the hands of my mother a few months ago but it was triple the growth it was before and I was pleasantly surprised. I then sprinted of without tidying up the water on the floor. I get to the racetrack, which is a professional ring track with rally cars involved.

The race had started but that was fine for me, I was in it for the fun and I did not mind seeing how well I do. Thatís it! The feeling of knocking my plant over was not terrible either. It was a sense of 'oh dear, come on lets get to it.' Hardly a moment to ponder and realise how the plant is, I could feel that the plant was okay I guess. Then the other plant I was amazed but also did not ponder to long on its random appearance, it just felt great to have him back, then I wanted to get off to the race! I did not care about the race either I was only in it to experience it I guess! - - - - -

Similar to yesterday in that I simply couldn't muster up the interest to join in with the class discussion and felt utterly disengaged from it. More doodling. Wanted to go home.

Dream: I am on a long car journey with my mum, dad and siblings. We stop briefly and I say I will dash into a shop to grab some provisions. My Dad tells me what he wants - ice cream. The building I enter looks like the Criterion Bar in Piccadilly with lots of old-fashioned kiosks inside. I am particularly taken by the beautiful curved ceiling which is sparkly, glittery and golden like a mosaic or scales. It is beautiful and wasted on the shoppers who bustle about below this incredible ceiling. At the kiosk I am much too long.

My Dad will be wondering where I am. I am captivated by many of the delights on offer. As I come to pay I have to register my name and address -as you would do in online shopping- I have choose my name and address from a list of all the many names and places I have belonged to in my life. There are so many of them and as I regard the list of all the names and all the places I have lived there is a feeling of 'who am I?' and a sense of great detachment from the people I have been in the past. I stay a while longer at the kiosk being indulgent. This is going to be very expensive.

Speech can be amusing and find difficulty in stringing words and finding words today. It seems to me that everyone seems to be feeling like that; no one seems to be conversing easily.

See some deer and trees and feel something like my usual feelings for them - this underlines the feeling of disconnect and lack of engagement since the remedy.

In meditation a feeling as though there is a barrier in front of heart. Noticing the sense of disconnection.

I realise it's Halloween and I have not taken this in, underlines the feeling of disconnection which feels disturbing, even when I try I cannot feel much.

Had an idea in the middle of the night that there were two notes in my head. Tried to identify and hang on to them because I felt they were important and not the usual notes - a discord, perhaps a minor seventh, with a sharpened note at the bottom.

A complete disinterest in my homeopathy classes at Hawkwood! Did loads of doodling on my notepad. I felt very bored; very unusual for me to feel like this.

Usually I remember my dreams and they are full of specific people and feelings. Since starting the proving, I know I've been dreaming but can't remember the details when

I wake, or I only remember disjointed fragments e.g. on day 1, there was a jar of jam and two dinner plates. Disconcerting.

Daughter 1: typed every word wrong today, last three letters to the beginning. I canít do words. Every word I read or write. I read the shapes but have to puzzle it out -like what it feels like playing scrabble-all these little blocks. A sense of 'unheimlich' with myself -usually I'm really at home with words. As if dislocated, lost your groundedness inside yourself.

My first day working since proving - I work with people one to one. I notice I feel much, much less involved and less caring than usual, though still with a kind of abstract sense of connection- an aspect of the disconnect that is a theme. Perception that would usually happen through empathy via my body and energy comes instead more kinesthetically and visually. I feel far more separate than usual.

I find it difficult to understand others; their words have no meaning.

I donít know how Iím feeling, emotions feel obscured.

I have noticed a general trend to being much more flatulent since the proving began. I notice other people being windy around me too. The pub smelt very badly of farts the other night and I notice my family's flatulence much more than I used to. The smell is heavy and hot or eggy.

Left knee feels like I've twisted it this morning, before I even got out of bed I can feel it, like it's been dislocated, difficult to stand, but I just carry on and it eases through

the morning. Feels like it's been over stretched, sore at the back, wobbly on the joint.

It is very hard for me to concentrate on my work/symptoms etc. Whilst my girlfriend is here. I have to consider so many more things that I would usually and the time I usually have to do that sort of thing is filled up with my girlfriend.

I feel like my attention is very focused and is where my eyes are, rather than based in what Iím feeling/ sensing as it usually is. Lack of emotions again.

A dream: of someone asking me lots of questions about how I am going to sort out various things. I answer patiently and without emotion although they are challenging me. - - - - -

Writing reports - not as anxious as usual about pleasing people or being judged on my comments. Was able to move on.

Feeling fed up again, canít be bothered (people). Want a holiday or just to be on my own. It has an annoyance underneath it that is unusual for me.

I have had a really good day. I am connecting with everything really well. The house, my studies, cycling about and as an overview of my time here in Plymouth, I think it has really made a good impression on me and taught me a few things. I have found that I am able to think incredibly laterally and clear and achieve what I want. It is a really great feeling. Though when I went out later on and met up with a load of my flat matesí graduate friends from his placement, I could not connect quite the same as I have done with the rest of my environment today. I found I was out of the link quite often possibly because I was not connected within their group, as they were all intakes of the same company. It was not a bad feeling but it is the weird environment where you really love the fact that you do have really close friends out there that really connect on another level. Where the connect has been good I have felt a general sense of fluidity and a sort of perpetual motion, where things I do seem to lead on well to other things and this is

a positive pulse of activity. I do generally have the feeling that I am too busy for a social life at the moment and this does not help making a connection with anyone.

My concentration on my work is far better than a month ago.

As well as feeling disengaged from the teaching, I also started feeling very antisocial in general and didn't want to chat with anybody at lunchtime.

Daughter 3 phoned (age 20, had ME as a teenager). She was in a bad state of panic. I am not taking on her stuff. I can listen and respond and not feel drained. This is novel - we have had a very symbiotic relationship.

Not worried about who's in the house (people have come and gone a lot recently) slightly unusual.

Had to teach in corridor at school - felt very much an outsider. Had to keep a brave face, which was difficult.

By end of today I felt really overwhelmed by family - demands made on me from all quarters and as if I was shouldering all responsibility. Incessantly on the go all weekend, became desperate for time to myself. Very over-loaded. And very worried about coping with the demands of school tomorrow - no one seems to have time / to want to listen to what's going on in my life. Don't seem to be balancing very well.

Evening in library - when there are too many people I feel there is not enough space for myself, no boundaries, their voices, smells, presence goes straight into my emotions, penetrating, no way of stopping it): I feel a bit sad and depressed; don ́t want to talk about parties, Christmas or badger cull; it is either too painful or too "happy", too emotional anyway. I feel a bit out of place. Not belonging. Maybe it ́s just because Iím year 4 and proving with year 3, so don ́t quite belong here or there.

Dream of being in US and going to meet Cree people, huge pang in heart as we do this. I was looking at crafts and some familiar people turned up and there was a tension between continuing to do my thing and doing the socially acceptable thing. Feels more of a personal dream than remedy - related, but also perhaps as though my more usual self is trying to reassert itself over the remedy by way of stereotype dreams, as though I'm trying to push out the effects of the proving and re-engage my heart which has felt the sense of disconnection most strongly - native people also represent for me the aspects that have felt noticeably lacking since the proving - connection, inter-awareness, caring, emotionality.

Meditation repeats the feeling of heart and engagement, again as though trying to reassert this against the disconnected/ dissociated feeling of proving. I feel a wave of heavy energy that wants to be coughed or retched up. I feel the desire to end the proving and be back to myself and back to connection. This desire for the proving to end repeats days

Very sleepy and heavy feeling. Distracted and unable to concentrate.

Dream: continued ... The doctor directs me outside into the garden. Out in the garden my daughter's therapy/medicine is to be taught by me to use a machine that looks like

a strimmer with a sharp piece of wire attached to it. I try to help her to use it safely but struggle to get her attention or to make her understand what she should do.

It's a dangerous looking thing and every time she comes over to investigate she put both of her hands on the 'blade' and then asks me to turn it on. I keep imagining her fingers being sliced off. At the edge of the garden, which is very nicely kept with a trim lawn and neat borders, I can see a couple of clumps of unruly weeds and vegetation. I am instructed to approach these with the strimmer. I zoom in and inside the clump of weeds and grass I see a frog and a beetle and have the impression of many things living in there. I do not want to slice them in half. I react to the strimmer as I would to a knife or blade. - - - - -

Daughter 1 had a dream: some one had sliced me across the middle below the rib cage on the fleshy part, the unprotected bit. It was with a cauterising blade like a samurai sword - it burns and stops you bleeding. I was split, cut across the middle, but the spinal cord was left intact, no blood. I knew I would still be alive but I woke wondering how am I going to digest food. It wasn't a specific person, I was just cut.

My partner said I shouted out loud. I woke peacefully after it, it felt quite cathartic.

Felt slow and tired between now and around 6pm. I could not do words, more than usual - used gestures, tripped over words, and made up descriptive nonsense words.

I escape outside on my own and lie on my back on the ground to try to find some calm. I feel better for a little while until a friend comes and stands over me and asks me what's wrong. I would like to avoid this conversation but feel pinned down by our relative positions. I start to talk to him about how the proving is making me feel. He speaks to me with huge compassion and then stands me

up to give me a hug. I don't want the hug because I know I will lose control but he insists. As he hugs me he pushes with small force on my solar plexus. I immediately become tearful and feel like running away. The kindness and compassion is much too much for me to bear and he has put his hand right on the spot where all my feelings are concentrated.

Working, I notice some of body-type empathy has returned though heart still feels disengaged from process.

I sat down to play piano and had a realisation about music playing during this proving. When I was in the 'open' phase, I found I could play without inhibition, making far fewer mistakes, being less self-conscious, using my skill well and feeling I could get into the music and play it without hindrance of the notes. A very good feeling that now I could build and learn and teach well. Probably the same intuitive feeling when you first learn as a child and here is something you can do and enjoy and can make your own and share with others. In my adult years too many other things have got in the road. It was marvelous to be back with that again. However today my playing stumbled and limped, the connection was not quite there between my fingers and the music inside of me. I really would like to recapture the feeling.

At the airport: So v touchy with people that are behind me. I have to look over my shoulder all the time and get really rude if someone or only their rucksack touches me. I either tut very loudly or say something like ďCan't you back off a little!Ē

Dog has been quite unresponsive with me this week - a big contrast to two weeks ago when I felt really close to him and he stayed by me. I feel as if I have somehow shut down so he canít sense the me of two weeks ago - which is still there somewhere, just not seen or heard. Reminds me of the struggle I had relating to him when we first got him and daughter 3 was in the middle of chronic fatigue.

Coming out of meditation and writing it is hard to focus on book - brings a feeling of vertigo and slight nausea. I want to stare into space, very big and distant, detached feeling. This feeling of emotional disconnection or cut off feeling, feeling far more 'separate' and distant than usual is a theme throughout proving, a constant sense that is more or less intense or noticeable at different times. It is always there but specifically repeats on days 1, 2, 5, 10, 20, 21, 55.

My supervisor texts to ask what time to speak. Again a wave of being unable to feel any point or suggest anything. Lasts 10 mins then lifts, I realise it felt like a little black cloud.

My husband noticed that the dog yelped again when I left for work. This is not usual when some one is at home.

I cannot remember the name of a classmate who has been a good friend for three years.


I am going to bed slightly later than normal and getting up slightly earlier than usual (say 30mins each side) but I feel awake, I feel I have energy.

Feel more alive and awake.

My toes still feel blistery and tingly. Usually when I get these pressure spots on my toes it goes after a day or two. If I apply pressure to them, it does not make a difference.

Felt whole body vibrating but was very nice. Whilst putting my son to bed.

I wake from sleep, this has happened every night for the last 6 nights, I just suddenly find myself a wake for no reason, the time is different each night, then I lie there half awake, half a sleep, I am full of energy, usually when I wake at night it is because I have something on my mind, I am worrying about something, but this is not like that, I just feel full of energy, buzzing, I lie waiting to fall back to sleep, I do not get up (I would normally).

A very large hornet inside the kitchen window. I encouraged it out with a chopstick. It made a low metallic buzzing sound, fell on floor and flew off across the garden.

Daughter talked about playing laser quest last week where her kit made a loud buzzing sound every time she was hit - everyone else's just flashed.

I have feelings today of complete calm which fluctuate with feelings of extreme tension. I am very aware of the rise and fall of nervous tension inside me. I can control it if

I notice it.

Up in a dizzy rush to switch off heating. Vestige of headache left.

Woke with headache worse. Pronounced on right side. Dizzy, staggering a bit, flashy vision. Nausea.

Ankle is still a little like electric shocks, like when you put foil on your tooth filling, but in the ankle.

Had a brief time in the middle of the night with the excited, churning feeling in my stomach, which I've woken with most days recently. The unusual thing was that this time

it went away after a short time. It felt very pleasant to be able to lie in a relaxed state.

Woke with excited, nervous, tight feeling around heart area - must stretch and breathe deeply. As if full and needing to burst open. Also tense round neck and shoulders, ready to go/fight/run/do. Had to get up

and then the feeling went. Usually this excited feeling will centre round my tummy, lower abdomen.

I sprain my ankle. The pain is incredible and I wake up with a jolt.

I felt very present today, good energy and in the moment.

Get up at 7, quite fit and alert. More at ease with people than last night. My hair seems very important and I have to wear the CHOUGH t-shirt.

The shadow seems solid, textured and looking at the scene gives me a vertiginous, floating, fizzy feeling which intensifies the harder I look. It is pleasurable and an effect I can intensify at will. I play with it. It is felt

like a buzz or hum in my solar plexus.

In the middle of the night I woke but kept my eyes shut. In my right eye, bottom left hand corner, I saw very clearly two flies. They were very alive and vibrant, no particular colour but very clearly defined almost

like fine metal work. Their wings were moving very fast, rather like hoverflies, with a visual fizzy, buzzing 'sound'. Almost mechanical but very real, not as if watching a film and as if they were not from my

imagination. I found them very beautiful and alien.

I was happy to give daughter 2 a lift to the station for work. Was not at all begrudging - usually I want to help out but feel secretly put upon and taken for granted. It felt very good to be free to enjoy the impulse

instead of tired and dragged down. Daughter 2 noticed the difference, said I was usually grumpy.

Shouted at my children for not getting ready for bed. Felt furiously impatient with them.

Again today I had good energy. Positive.

3 - 6 h.: Ache in the heart region, I am afraid of getting a heart attack. Palpitations, panicky. All sorts of stuff in my head.

My heart pounds in my chest as I tell a story, which is a little embarrassing for me.

Waking up I was bothered about my heart. It felt slow and lazy and I thought what if it stops or I have a heart attack - what if that happens when I'm getting on the plane to Hong Kong in a few weeks time?

What if I die? Perhaps I have inherited my grandfather's weak heart. And to make sure that wouldn't happen, I had to get up and move about - so sitting still feels dangerous to me. It is not a fear so much as a wondering and 'at the mercy of my bodyí.

At night before bed I do not feel tired, I go to bed, as it is my usual time for bed 23 h., not because I am tired. I feel I could stay up late - no problem. I have lots of energy

at night.

Woke up at 1 h. and could not go back to sleep. Busy head - planning activities for the following day. I was not particularly tired the following day, despite having had only

3 hours sleep!

Still no headache today although I am doing more than usual and although tired and drained from teaching. In spite of the 'beginning of a cold' feeling, I feel very well and cheerful. Long may it last! I haven't felt so able for a long time.

A man jumps out at me in a corridor and tries to have sex with me. I don't want to. I have to shake him off.

Love to run.

I could run! My legs felt long and strong - like when I used to play hockey and run the 200m as a young teenager. I could keep going. My sore ankle didn't bother me; heavy-chested breathing didn't bother me or hold me back. I could lift my legs and run well. I was running close to the earth and looking at the grass and mud with the dog running alongside. It felt really good and almost too good to be true. Smiled a lot.

At lunchtime my left hand is feeling really weird. As if I have been sleeping on it and there is a numbness or tickling sensation (tips of the fingers) nothing helps.

When the fingers touch each other they feel smooth and dry. When the fingers on the other hand touch them, it feels dry with a tickling sensation amplified. It is better for being massaged from the shoulder down to the wrist (around the elbow).

In shower felt a numbish, sore sensation in the 2nd toe of my left foot, like a bee sting, nerve type of pain.

Strong palpitations while sitting reading. No apparent cause, no coffee, tea or strong emotions. They went right through my left arm and made the book move up and down.

Had the feeling that my chest/head is being pulled down for some minutes; then up, elongated neck, pulled upwards; head getting higher, neck longer. Then sensation of internal spinning around the spine.

After everyone left the building on Sunday night I am sad and feel alone; start getting practical (write down my route, do a bit of homeopathy, put all the stuff in the car

I will not need anymore, etc.) I am very very sweaty and a bit panicky, as I have to leave so early and have a mammoth day ahead of me. 20.15 h. bed, almost straight to sleep.

Still very sensitive on crown and to the right. Still tired. To touch it was tender, like a bruise. Aluminum on tooth similar sensation on head, electric to touch.

Warm fuzzy feeling in my head. Soft gentle buzzing sound different from the usual rushing noise I get when I first relax. Thoughts of warm rainforest, trees, creepers, little orange cheeky looking monkey somewhere off vision to the right. Very pleasant.

Dog walk. A red hot air balloon over the fields coming down, coming nearer. Heard the whoosh of the flame for the first time ever in real life-dragon-like, primeval.

Dog dashed at it and barked like fury for 20 mins. It sailed right overhead. Virgin was the logo. Someone waved down, one black arm shape and I waved back.

Really good feeling. Then it was gone over the hedge.


Relax/ meditate - as if I go off into black space, travelling there and that is peaceful.

On waking, feeling noticeably calm.

Another dream about walking down, this time through a long corridor, I can see the end, but I have no fear, no claustrophobia; I just walk down in big strong strides.

All is well.

No nerves at COS play.

I have had this euphorically feeling similar to that of coming up on drugs. I felt excited and my body had this overwhelmingly elated feeling. Generally a very good feeling

but curiously odd because I have not taken any exciting substances other than the proving.

Dog walk at sunset. I felt great joy at sky (blue, orange, pick smoky sunset) and silhouettes. One bat flittered out of the trees clear against the sky. I normally can feel quite euphoric in nature, but tonight was marked. I had a wide open smile and eyes most of the hour.

Feel very excited to be embarking on the proving. Happy.

Swim in lake Constance, I don't feel the cold of the water, I just feel free.

I get up and feel good. Realise that I will have time now to treat myself to good home cooked food.

Usually I will develop a headache over the weekend. I did not. Felt very well, though tired.

After a whole day plus an extra lecture I was fine. Generally this would obliterate me, but although I was tired, I really enjoyed the bonfire and then time in the library chatting by the fire. It felt good, like the first week of the proving again.

Glimmer of hopefulness when I woke this morning - which I could show my face at school on Wed, that I could get up and go to yoga. This threw into relief the terrible despair of the last day or two.

Feeling very good, grateful, loving and lucky.

Parallel tractor tracks away from me down the field caught my attention, seemed to lead up to the sky, and I felt very hopeful and uplifted.

What horrifies me is that I recognise this bogged down emotional state I have been in many times, and I feel sorry for the me of then who couldn't get out of it. Perhaps now

I have a chance to get out.

Still feel positive about going out and doing and talking to people. And also more settled and happy at home. Usually I look at all the things that need doing and despair Ė

it feels like too much, a hopeless task and I wont make any difference anyway.

In spite of an intense few days -lots of people and unusual events- I have not got a headache and feel remarkably well and cheerful.

Full moon. When I took off my glasses I saw the moon and its surround as one big bright joyful unit and it seemed wonderful to me. It made me think of giving out to others and reminded me of a song my children sang at junior school: 'Love is something if you give it away. You end up having more.' I related that feeling -to- feeling well about being in touch with my family.

A buzzard flying slowly overhead looked totally beautiful - and I told it so. Again a feeling of kinship. Also flocks of geese flying directly overhead. Joyful and uplifting.

Great teaching at home after being out and active and in touch with people. Felt lively and reciprocal. Big contrast to the feeling at school. This is how it should be.

Had a fruit tea for the first time at Hawkwood, pretty unusual for me. Love and appreciation for everyone.

Got T in my heart, always, warm waves of love and desire.

Lots of dreams full of love and desire. Think of T when I wake up, happy and longing.

Headache went after dog walk and chat with neighbours - sorted out dog sitting which took a weight off my mind. Mood immediately lifted and I could tackle business letters and phone calls - have not been able to face that sort of thing for the last few days. Still aching neck and shoulders and vestiges of headache remaining, but it is remarkable how quick the change in mood was.

Daughter 1 thought I must still be under the influence of the remedy. Perhaps I was more relaxed and out-spoken than when she saw me last (before proving).

A friend of mine confides in me that she is having problems resisting this woman, as she is so overwhelmingly interesting. She points her out to me and the woman notices

it and comes over afterwards.

There is no magic in the world to stop me from falling for her. - It is a wonderful dream, although nothing "happens". But it leaves a hopeful, warm (or more) feeling.

Feeling very positive, feeling very good. Everything feels right.

Woke refreshed and ready to go. Positive feeling with mental clarity and physical restlessness. Unlike usual waking for me over the last years and years - heavy head, heavy body, creaks and aches and rather

dreading the day than otherwise. This felt how it should be.

After tea, I have a wonderful sense of gratitude and appreciation; feel emotionally happy, for my family and to be alive.

Felt a bit sick in the stomach whilst I was talking to my mate in the car on the way to the train station. It was a nausea feeling and I was not overly concerned because I knew

I was not going to throw up but it was a discomforting feeling. Whilst talking to my mate I had a very similar elated feeling to that of the weekend and I was talking a lot.

I think the sick feeling came on perhaps because the feeling got to much and although it still felt good it was perhaps at that stage just a bit to far.

Finding things funny for no reason at all, feeling generally happy, feel a bit silly and daft.

Sleeping with my arms above my head. It feels great to hold my arms up high above my head, this is not my normal sleeping position, but it feels so nice, it feels right.

This has been going on most evenings from this point. Probably every night.

Became very sleepy and relaxed all evening. No headroom to be anxious. As if the bump - or the arnica - gave me permission to stop.

Monday 4.15 up, all smooth, put tent away etc. On the road at 5.15. I see a LIVING badger and feel so happy about it!

I am with a group of people looking for a particular garden at a grand manor house. I know where it is (it feels as if it appeared in another dream before, I am aware of this

in the dream) and I tells everyone, even describe it. No one believes me. We follow s.o. that claims to know but we soon realise thatís not the one.

We find out the property has 3 gardens and the one we are looking for can only be accessed through the house. I am in a wheelchair by then but feel quite smug when they realise I was right in the first place.

An official guy gives me a big red leather bound book, which is the guidebook. I try to clutch it against my chest to hold it (feels heavy but comfortable against my chest)

and simultaneously move my chair.

No one helps me and I struggle quite a bit, but donít ask for help or pass on the book to s.o. else. The house is filled with beautiful furniture and lovely people (servants?)

who smile at me. I wake up happy.

I leave a place where I feel happy and safe. My husband goes before me. As I get to the other side of the door I see my husband lying on the floor with the police standing over him. He seems frightened and tells me to do exactly as they say - very unlike him. I am handcuffed and waiting to be searched. I know I am innocent and start to taunt and jeer at the police. This feels dangerous. There are people watching and I start to play to the gallery. I'm being reckless and foolish.

Time feels blurry, what day is it? Feel quite peaceful.


Dream: I am at a school to pick up my son. A man is leaving with his son. I can see that they are father and son because the son, who is very young, has exactly the same

beard as his father. This is absurd and very funny. I hide as I watch this man and his son. He talks to a lady and thanks her very graciously for what the proving has given him (some sort of enlightenment and understanding). They both seem really cool but I am not cool enough. I want to join in but I am not good enough. (In my diary I recall this dream with a drawing rather than words - I never draw usually, I am hopeless at it). - - - - -

When I talk to my supervisor later I am really aggravated as I donít feel understood (or fail to make myself clear) about what happened on Facebook. I get weepy as I feel

I am being shut up.

-We talk about it and it is ok again- I notice that I am still very vulnerable and the feeling of not being allowed my opinion is painful.

Maybe it goes back to feeling "wrong" about myself, my looks, my feelings, never really belonging, never really being ďrightĒ.

Dream: going to play in a concert. The car being driven slowly, we were going to be late. The driver was a woman, smoking, and she didn't seem to care about getting there, but I had to be polite and not say anything. Horrid low-level anxiety. The concert was held in a church setting with pillars here and there. I was initially in the audience due

to play in the second half. Had to get up in the middle of the concert to change clothes. The changing room had cubicles, fairly posh, but they were all taken so I had to change in the central area where anyone could see you - no one was paying any attention but I still felt exposed

to people judging me and also like an outsider at the same time. Didn't have the right clothes - getting changed been like after a cold dip, clumsy and sticky and arduous.

My clothes were see-through and slightly grubby. It was the stuck feeling you get when pot holing -one of my worst nightmares- being trapped and no matter how you try you will stay stuck. This dream did not have the panic, just the stuffy low level anxiety. No sharing of or expression of the experience - I had to suffer it alone. - - - - -

Dream: I see two men walking and talking. I have had crushes on both of them as a teenager. I want to see them but do not want to be seen so I hide and watch.

My reluctance to be seen comes from shame at my appearance. Eventually I go and say hello. They stop and talk briefly but they have important business to discuss so they move on quickly. I am ashamed at how dreadful I look. Paranoia.

I am in a guerrilla-style training camp. I am being trained to look/appear friendly but am deadly. This feels not only like camouflage but also deception. I am not sure whether

I am here voluntarily or against my will as sometimes the camp seems like a prison and sometimes I get the impression that our trainer wants to kill me. I cannot tell where his loyalties lie. A lot of tension in the camp; it feels like something is about to happen. Eventually the person I am training with attacks the trainer and knocks him unconscious.

There's a feeling of him or me. While the bad man is unconscious we make plans to escape. A really old friend appears out of the blue, as we are about to make our getaway.

I have always trusted her completely but something about her appearance now make me extremely nervous. I am sure she is with 'them' and means me harm. She organises all the people in the camp into groups and tells each group to split and face each other. She still seems like the friendly, trustworthy honest friend of old as she hands one half of each group bow and arrows and orders them to start loosing them at the other half of the group, which includes children. I am sure I have upset my friend and that this is her revenge. I'm wracked with the feeling that I've wronged her and she has found out about my betrayal. She's going to make us all kill each other. - - - - -

Dream: I am going to a fancy dress party. The issue is how much I cover up and how much of myself I reveal.

I am going to a child's fancy dress party. I decide to dress up myself and feel much more confident about going once I have put on a wig and war paint. People look at me with curiosity in the street. I like shocking and surprising them. I feel immune to judgement or recognition when I am in costume. - - - - -

Meet a friend for a swim, but find it too windy; the wind is aggressive. I am not afraid of the water, but would feel too exposed to the wind and its violence.

I go to a house to post a cheque for a local charity. My husband had suggested I knock on the door and deliver it in person and have a chat. Instead I park out of sight, scuttle up the driveway, post the letter and hurry away, not wanting to be seen. I can't imagine being able to handle the conversation. I want to give the money to the charity but

I don't want to have a conversation with them. It's the gratitude I can't take.

I utter a few expletives out loud as I have a 'memory spasm' about some embarrassing behaviour that I'm ashamed of.

After sharing the proving on camera with others I realise I feel a little exposed, perhaps as we had a quick transition into another process.

In class we cover a case that is given the same remedy that I think (I donít know for sure) I am being given constitutionally. I feel self-conscious about this and unable to engage with the discussion.

Dream: I am with my son trying to exit an enclosed, fenced field where it is safe to play. I am in my car. Around the field is a circular track, which I follow in my car to try

to exit. The path looks like it becomes too narrow to drive down. I ask the way out, of a passer by. She points me down the path I was looking at which suddenly seems to

be big enough to drive down. The path is bare with a hedge on one side. My son asks me why there are no foxes in the play area. I tell him there are no foxes because the track, which is open and exposed, acts like a firebreak. The foxes simply cannot set a single paw on the road, as it has no cover, anywhere to hide. They cannot cross into the safe area where the children play. (I draw this dream in my diary before I can find the words to describe it).

Dream: continued ... In the circle I have the feeling of being exposed to questions or scrutiny from the teacher. I try not to make eye contact and try to hide behind the baby

so that the questions are directed elsewhere. I feel really threatened when the teacher comes to stand over me to ask a question. No escape.

Dream: I am walking through a grassy field to where my car is parked. I get to my car and realise that, far from it being safe and secure, I have left it with both of the front doors wide open. This makes me feel insecure, unsafe and wide open. Someone could have got in. An electrician comes to fix my car.He has come a long way and had to

be put up the previous night. He is complaining that he has not been looked after in the manner to which I gather he has become accustomed. They have put him up in a plain, basic, functional room. This is not good enough for the electrician. He is too important and is used to better.

The feeling is 'don't you know who I amí.

I felt I had to really watch out today that I didn't make a careless joke and offend some one inadvertently. It was as if I had to remind myself that I didn't know these people so well that I could relax and say anything - I had to mind my tongue. Like remembering how to speak in a different language. Something bad would happen if I werenít careful - I would be ridiculed or shunned. Jokes feel dangerous. An effort to maintain my persona. Found myself doing little girl laughs.

A boy in a wheelchair being pushed inside a big house in a village. Why have we never seen him before? His mother hides him.

We are having a family photograph taken. I put trousers on to hide the fact that the bottom of my leg is missing.

Strong impulse to eat chocolate, drink tea and 'escape ' into a book. Curl up in a corner. Hide from all demands.

I dress up for a Halloween party with my daughter. It feels great to be out and so noticeable but at the same time to be hiding my self. In disguise I feel much more socially confident.

I loved being under my big green umbrella in the rain. Usually I am impatient of the whole concept of umbrellas, but today it felt embracing and enclosing. The walk seemed

to go on forever or no time, I was in my own bubble, happy. It kept out the usual anxiety of being late for yoga.

Dream: I am wheeling my daughter to a doctor's appointment in a wheelchair through a building with many doors, stairs, twists and turns. I am in a hurry, late, lost and unsure. Every time I round a corner or enter a new corridor I look round for my daughter and either she is not there or she is there, running about normally and it is the wheelchair that is left behind. I have to go and get the thing because the wheelchair is somehow part of the appointment. I'm a bit embarrassed that my daughter seems not to need the wheelchair as we are now heading for this appointment. Managed to drop the hot lunch I was preparing for my son to take to school, and then dropped my own breakfast onto the floor/down my clothes. Felt very annoyed and oddly embarrassed. - - - - -

Still very pessimistic - cant see how to carry on. The only option is to not face up to anything. It feels as though everyone is against me. Impulse to run away, give up everything, hide. Eating dinner in the school dining hall was really hard today. I felt self - conscious and as if no one wanted to talk to me. It was as if I was behind a screen. The food tended to stick in my gullet, almost choked several times. Was anxious to finish and go. I used to hate eating in dining halls but have been ok with it for a few years.

Some self-consciousness and consequent stiffening up crept in while teaching at school - it inhibited my 'reactability' with pupils; found myself watching myself as I talked.

Several dreams, mostly unremembered. One about an exrelationship and trying to remove myself. This is not a brand new dream for me but relationship theme repeats unusually frequently in different forms

- days 16, 18, 19, 22, 25, 26, 40, 41, 42.

Today I had a bad day at school - quite intense resurfacing of old anxieties around teaching/performance/class control. I felt I was not teaching well, my pupils would not be ready for exams.

String group (15 kids), which I was taking with the HOD I felt, was disorganised and noisy. I was mortified, but felt I had to appear competent - felt I would be judged and found wanting. The feeling was almost unbearable, but I have had practice covering up, smiling and laughing. I felt I had no control over how things would turn out, that things would go wrong whatever I did.

Making mistakes in music - very unsure of self here, almost like deliberate sabotage. (What if I get it wrong? Might as well get it wrong.)

Talking to proving supervisor highlights the feeling of wanting to get away from the proving/ remedy, for it to end.

A friend has moved into my old house. She is convinced she is being watched and judged through a gap in her curtains by someone at a neighboring window.

I wake after a bad night's sleep. I remember the previous day and feel weepy and emotional. I have to get a grip. I feel I need to control and hide.

I have had for the last couple of days (4-5 days roughly) a bout of constipation where I pass only a little bit of stool and it is a bit witchery in shape and less than I feel is normal or necessary. I have the urging for more but I could not pass anything but loud flatulence. It is embarrassing and awkward (if I think who is standing outside the loo). My bowels are constantly making movement noises with a throbbing

movement. I think it is from giving up smoking!


Worried that I will give the wrong impression at school and kill all the lessons dead - that I was responsible for the success of my pupils and would not manage however hard

I tried. In fact the harder I tried the worse it would go and I would be judged as failing. Feels like the feeling in the dreams of the skyscraper and the drowning - about to fall or die and I couldn't do anything. And the feeling of being paralysed

or frozen in inaction. This feels like revisiting the great panicky fear of when I started teaching class music 30 years ago and had a nightmarish time. I still struggle with the remnants of this fear now and then.

Felt clumsy all day. Spilt peas all over the freezer. On a par with all the over clumsy events of the day.

Collapsing feeling in right leg on going downstairs. As if it would give out. Hasnít had it for a long time.

I see one of the companyís planes coming too in low in a wrong angle. I watch it hoping it will be able to land ok but it comes down on one wing that crumbles away and the plane crashes. I meet the pilot later who seems to be a friend of mine. He is badly wounded and bruised but in a good and almost casual mood. We don ́t find out what happened to the passengers that allegedly were elderly and feeble people, so I am worried.

In meditation, feel as though I am floating above the floor - repeats day 27, 42. Then the feeling of flying again, soaring high in the sky, wanting to be high up again, urge for space.

Still drawn to up and flight of birds.

I fall 4 times in 2 walks, as the grass is so wet and my shoes so slippery. The 4th time I almost dislocate my shoulder. I can ́t do certain movements, it is a sharp, hot pain.

I apply some Miranda Castro cream

(Arnica 1x, Calc.-f. 8x, Rhus-t. 3x, Ruta 1x, Symph. 1x, Thios. 3x) and give it as much rest as possible. Before bed I take one Ruta 30.

Pictures fall of wall - Angus

Meditation, eyes shut -quiet then many visuals- blank screen then under water with finger - like fronds of seaweed then momentary image of an otter. Then sensation and image of flying with herring gull, soft joyful feeling. Then flying through space extremely fast (this aspect of fast flying in meditation repeats on days 2, 4, 21), psychedelic whirling patterns and lines of light flashing past then as though through a black tunnel (tunnel image repeats day 0 in bed and day 4) - concomitant feeling a bit nauseous

like travel sickness. Then being in black space and feeling very, very detached. Thought of Ďwho am I?í

Feeling/ image of the energy of remedy coming over me like a cloak. Momentary feeling of slight fear or protectiveness -felt as subtle urge to shrink away. Bodily sensation

all over - a bit rushy, muscles feel very relaxed and also a bit electric (repeats in meditation day 4) and slightly numb - lasts a few minutes. Sense of tunnel again or more like

a narrow pathway, flying very fast.

Dreams of proving group. 1 - one person is making everyone a cup of tea. I wonder whether to bother explaining how I like mine and decide not to (no strong feelings with this) but then he comes back and asks everyone what he or she wants anyway.

2 - We are outside in London, maybe on a roof garden. I see a red squirrel coming down a roof towards us and point it out to the others. Feels a huge honour to see it, exciting, I wonder how it can be here.

It runs past two cats, a third one tries to chase it but no chance and that is funny. Then squirrel flew (?) into a tree and two pheasants followed it.

Dream of flying: I do an extra meditation to see if I can get in touch with the remedy. I have a similar experience to first evening, a lot of fast flying, through dark space, tunnels. Activity and 'buzz' in body. Feeling solar plexus as centre of my being, as though it can navigate literally and metaphorically, feels sure in itself. Momentary lurch of nausea and energy to throat with similar constriction as first evening. Then a feeling of a brief sharp pain and image of a small knife in heart, which doesn't feel unpleasant.

I feel especially comfortable lying on back (this feeling of being comfortable on back comes up again in another form day 5, 7).

Dream: I was in a skyscraper watching a storm-jags of lightning getting closer and closer. There were other people around out of vision. I was in one of the top floors, perhaps 20 floors up. Then the whole block leaned over at a 45į angle. I thought: this is what it feels like to be about to die in a disaster. Thoughts passed through my mind like:

It will hurt, how will I bear it, others will be hurt. Could hardly imagine how awful it would be. The idea of falling from a height, constrained in a building, going through terrible physical hurt, with other people going through the same. Was looking out the window at his angle and not acting afraid, seeming stoic, but actually terrified inside.

It would happen and I could not do anything. - - - - -

I have had the best day with my husband. It has been full of mirth, excitement and adventure. As I get home I am dancing with my daughter who my husband has dressed

in his suit. As I am joyful and very much in the moment, my ankle gives way. Went over on right ankle while out a walk. Did this yesterday too. Have not done that for a while.

Daughter 2: I felt like sitting on the floor today to discuss work with a colleague. (In an office of 10, secretarial work) On the floor I cant fall off.


doing so much and the graduate friends I felt they were really not my type of friends because they keep themselves to themselves and are in a tight knit group of work buddies. Also my girlfriend is not coming until new years and this seems like a long time away until she is here. This makes me think of everything but studying because when I study my mind wanders on to such things really easily and If I then concentrate on something different the whole time I find I lose myself in the subject and do not wander

off onto loneliness so easily. P2 49/49: NS

I still feel unproductive because I have not made any headway with my work and I although I have sorted a lot of Christmas presents already I feel like I am distracting myself on purpose. P2 51/51: RS

Again I have been fairly unproductive and I feel bad that I have not gotten on which the things I have to do. Instead I have played guitar and cleaned my room. P2 55/55: RS

Wake early and alert. P3 1/1:06:10 NS

I wake early and alert. P3 2/2:06:10


I wake early and alert. P3 3/3:06:20 NS

Wake early and alert. P3 4/4:06:10 NS

Wake early and alert. P3 4/4:06:10 NS

Wake early and alert. P3 5/5:06:20 NS

Wake early and alert. P3 8/8:06:10 NS


donít feel like talking to people. Donít feel like social niceties Ė a blunt feeling of not wanting to bother coupled with feeling distant. Donít especially want to be alone either. This feeling of not feeling bothered to interact repeats as a background feeling throughout and specifically days 2, 4. P1 2/2:08:00 NS

I receive a text from a colleague who I can find a bit sticky and notice I'm feeling more blunt than usual about it, just canít be bothered to deal with it. P14/4:08:05 IOS

I notice a little damage to a table where I lent my flat to some relatives, and am more annoyed than I would usually be by this and by them not telling me. P1 4/4:08:30 NS

Another small event where I feel the urge to stand ground more than usual but also canít be bothered.

This is a strange combination that has repeated. P1 29/5:18:10 NS

Again feel more like defending corner or fighting if needed - I throw something back in someone's face that is being a bit disrespectful, though still with very little emotion, instinctual. P154/6:13:15 NS

Dream: I am at a party in a field with friends. We all pitch in together to make a camp and look after the kids. The next day one of my friendís just packs all her own stuff up and makes to leave. I am instantly enraged by what I perceive to be her selfishness. I attack her verbally. I cannot restrain myself. She comes straight back at me and attacks me for the way I am raising my son, particularly how I deal with his incontinence - this is really below the belt. Later I'm ashamed at my outburst and I try to put my arm on

her shoulder and apologise. She is rigid with refusal. The damage is done. P3 5/XX NS

Dream: There's a girl with a lot of unruly brown hair. I ask her if she has ever tied it up so people can see her face. She is defensive and there is a feeling of potential aggression in the air. The question has made her uncomfortable. No, she has never tied her hair up. I touch her hair tentatively and she looks at me sharply. I wonder if she is going to attack me. There is a lot of tension palpable in the air between us. It's a volatile moment. P3 5/XX NS

Another person not from any homeopathy group comes in and starts talking to someone in my group.

She doesnít belong here! It feels an imposition - donít want them here. P1 1/1:08:45 NS

Gave in to the impulse to drink coffee. The usual immediate feeling of capability. Rather like the feeling of the beginning of the proving. No bad after effects e.g. headache, depression. P7 39/39.12.00


In shops I feel more irritable than usual with small things in people eg cashier being rough with my fruit.

Again I feel the urge to fight is stronger, as on day ... Also more offended than usual by eg cancer companies' adverts, the lack of ethics etc. P1 6/6:10:00 NS

Notice that the lack of emotion goes with more sense of instinct than feeling. P1 1/1:08:55 NS

Dream snippet of pointing out to some people that someone else was controlling them - dream lacked emotion but this slightly compelling need to point this out. P1 3/3:07:00 NS

Fall asleep again and brief dream of criticising/ mocking some indulgent parents of small children, again lacking emotion but harsher than usual reaction. P1 4/4:07:15 NS

Dream where I was pointing out a practical error in a group project, being disagreed with by some in the group but one person agreeing. Unemotional but just determined to carry on and do what I felt I needed to. P1 7/7:07:00 NS

Dream of correcting someone who is helping me with a chore but making practical mistakes. I am more assertive than usual, yet not angry or emotional. P1 8/8:07:00 NS

At a conference, I find one speaker very difficult to watch, as her energy feels very forceful. I want to get away, again in this blunt instinctive way, not emotional. P1 8/8:15:00 NS

I have a discussion with someone on face book about homeopathy and feel quite happy afterwards as I didnít get too emotionally involved but stood my ground in a positive way and knew when I had to leave it. P9 37/37:X RS

Feeling preoccupied by some small events from the day before (which didnít directly involve me). More than usual feeling like having something out with the people in question, feeling more prepared to have a fight if necessary. An urge to go and thump it into its place though still lacking emotional involvement, just an instinctual urge. P1 3/3:07:00 IOS

Very fed up in general especially with husband and children; feel intolerant of husband's behaviour. P5 23/20:00:00 RS

Irritable with daughter. P8 6 RS


Headache cleared, ear unblocked in the hot shower. A big feeling of relief and clearing of thoughts - now I can get out of myself and go and do things. Quite an intense feeling of liberation and release. (Previous to this my whole head had gone dull, achey, full of cotton wool, numb and tingly - seemed to be triggered by reading about Natriums.) Is this unusual or am I just more aware? P7 25/25.07.30 IOS

I have cravings over the last few days to things with high sugar content though I have a feeling this aggravates my symptoms. P2 32/8:21:10 OS

There is a strong craving for very tasty food, preferably hot (I use excessive amounts of pepper these days, but also chilly, ginger, etc.) or different flavours like cheese and onion, not from a packet but self made.

This evening (after dinner), I brown some onions and add cheese and eat it; just like that. Strange. P9 33/33:X NS

Yesterday evening we watched an old video of when I was 16/17 - all the family had already watched it apart from me. I hadn't felt at all emotional about it. But yesterday lots of emotion surged up and I felt really nostalgic about the younger me. P7 22/X NS

I feel in low spirits today. I am feeling quite emotionally raw. At times I struggle to control my urge to cry or leave the room. P3 28/28:14:00 NS

Wide - awake for a couple of hours. Unbearable feeling of falling, failing and letting people down (or going to). Terrified of thought of getting on the plane to HK -

that the plane will fall out of the sky and I cant hold it up. Mortified over not teaching well enough at school. Very afraid for daughter 3 who is in a bad place again (proving?). Afraid of living basically. How can anyone go on when you can see how you might fail? It all seems very terrible and inevitable. Body failing too. No safe place

to rest. Jerking awake. Going on blindly, too terrible to contemplate. Not being accepted for who you are. Failing other people. It feels like back when I was 23 and really struggling with teaching. P7 45/45.03.00 IOS

Trying to find a still grey centre. Teaching - trying to put out friendliness to avoid being thought of as stand - offish. Hard work because of great fear of not coping and seeming childish. P7 52/X IOS

Mother is driving and I can't relax, I am quite fearful in the car and ask her several times to drive slower. -

Finally through customs and on the plane, I can relax gain. Very tiring car journey (6 hours) from the airport back home, but I can concentrate well and stay safe. P9 8/8:X NS

After the remedy was taken, we did some Meditation on the whole thing.

Upon closing my eyes I saw a silhouette of a turtle and it stuck around for a little while. Shifting back and forth in my minds sight, until I the image disappeared and I was left with a very rough and blurry image of what could have been a path revolving forward, straight ahead with not end. Eventually, a shiny black/greyish ribbed cylinder shaped

creature wriggled across, what seemed really close and detailed (a worm I guess but I never saw both ends) it was think and was throbbing like a worm. I then had a clear vision of butterfly wings and thought maybe it was a caterpillar not a worm. The wings faded and then I saw shapes rather like an eye and check also shifting back and forth similar to the turtle. As the image got clearer, it was clear to me to see this eye and cheek but I cannot remember which side of the face it was. It was not a human eye and

I guess it could match that of the turtle before. Then I saw more worms like things and thought what would it feel like being one of them? In that moment my special awareness kicked in giving me a sense of space and my right eye started to sting a little in the tear duct next to the nose, it was a very short but sharp sensation. I felt the throbbing feeling and flexibility. Even though I was not moving. P2 0/0:18:14 NS

I got intensely tired and I didn't even want to talk I was so exhausted. I think either it was the pint or the fact that I spent today with my girlfriend the whole day, which I am gradually getting used to my own company again and this is an exhausting experience! P2 12/12:22:00 AS

As a continuation of the dream state: I was left with an intense pulling sensation at the heart chakra. Like

an intense love connection. Too intense. Not entirely pleasant. Deeply sad. P8 3/0:04:00 IOS

Read full proving here: Lightning (Fulgurite)


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